Kitabı oku: «System life. How to organize life to cope with uncertainty and achieve results without burnout», sayfa 2
Spheres of life
To analyze the current state of life, you can use the pop tool «Balance Wheel». Don’t rush to close the book. It’s not what you think. The balance wheel is used by different coaches, it has become boring to everyone and seems a bit childish. But no matter how cool and smart you are, this tool clearly shows the situation and raises questions about itself. More than once I observed the reaction «Oh, c’mon, why do we need this wheel anyway» when people filled it in. And then they could not tear themselves away in reasoning about what this wheel consists of, and what kind of assessment should be put there. It doesn’t matter in what form you do it, even if it’s just a list. The grades you set are important. For example, I just use columns, as in the equalizer in the player.
Balance equalizer
The main goal is not to balance the wheel, but to see your life settings. So, you can make an upper-level slice to move from the general to the particular. How to set a preset in the equalizer and make more subtle settings? For example, you select «rock» and the sliders fall into place. Then you tweak it for yourself and get a sound that suits you. So, let’s use the concept of «Balance equalizer», not «Wheel». And we will also agree that our goal is to see the current state of the spheres of life, and not to balance them. I don’t believe that the wheel can be balanced in general. It will change over the course of life, as values and the concept of happiness will change. Therefore, it will look different in different periods.
You know perfectly well what to do. Take a piece of paper or an online service. Draw 10 columns: «health», «energy», «time», «family», «love», «finances», «friends/environment», «career/business», «hobbies», «development». This is the base, and usually it is enough. Once it was decided that the balance of these spheres would make life happy. All people are unique and think in their own categories. Therefore, the wheel format raises questions again. Everything that you consider an important part of life, you can add as a new column. For example, I add «recreation», «sports» and «nutrition» separately. They are included in the «health» by default, but it is important for me to see and record the assessment separately. There is no need to delve into and come up with what is included in each item. If it’s hard to figure out, then divide one item into two different ones. When the columns are ready, then evaluate each sphere on a 10-point scale, where from 0 to 3 is a complete absence or minimal satisfaction; from 4 to 7 is an average degree, something has already been achieved, but not ideal; from 8 to 10 is maximum satisfaction.
It is important to identify fundamental problem areas. To improve anything, you need to understand what is wrong there now. Then fix it, achieve stability and then further growth. Very often, after watching enough successful posts or seeing an imbalance in the balance wheel, people immediately think about high goals and begin to take rash actions. For example, they buy a gym membership, and then it gets dusty on the table since there is a lot of work, no strength, etc. It’s not their fault. This is how our brain works. It doesn’t understand the past and the future. It perceives thoughts about a beautiful body as if you already have a beautiful body. Gives you a kick, you do harsh things, and then comes up with an explanation to save energy. At such moments, the owner of the fitness club rejoices and pumps the sphere of finance in the balance wheel at your expense. If you didn’t know, then fitness clubs know about this mechanism, and this is their earnings model. You buy a subscription and don’t go there. Just send your money and that’s it. It’s perfect. By this I want to say that before you aim at a big goal, you need to patch holes in fundamental things.
If you have from 1 to 3 on the balance wheel in the areas of «health», «energy», «time», «finance», then starting to move towards a big goal is like bailing out water with a bucket in a boat with a hole. It is always necessary to solve fundamental problems first in order to be in line for new changes. Evaluate your spheres of life, highlight the areas with the smallest ratings. Then line them up in a list from the most important to the least important. The top 4 must include: «health», «energy», «time» and «finance». If you have bad grades there, then forget about everything else for now and concentrate on them. Without them, you simply will not be able to start and finish the job.
Environment
Everyone knows the proverbs «tell me who your friend is, and I’ll tell you who you are» or «two peas in a pod.» They are most cheerfully known as «London is the capital of Great Britain». Every second person utters them, but has never meaningfully thought about his environment and its influence. The environment is one of the strongest factors affecting you. Each person pays attention to social connections with 150 people. Real social connections, not all 600 friends on a social network. The figure of 150 was confirmed by the evolutionary psychologist Robin Dunbar back in the 60s. In his theory, he calls all 150 people friends, but in fact, real friends are about 5 people. Then there are 15 people of friends and acquaintances. They make up your close circle of friends.
Model of a person’s social environment
At each level, you spend time communicating, giving emotions, energy and thoughts. And what is important – you also get them from the environment. Someone is charging you and supporting you. Someone is just crying to you or complaining about life. Someone wants to discuss gossip or impose their interests. Someone has not achieved anything themselves and does not want you to achieve it. Someone is genuinely happy for you, and someone smiles into your eyes, and then discusses with their friends what an asshole you are.
Until 2013, I myself had never thought about the environment. I’ve always been surrounded by my best friends. We had common interests and each other’s support. We studied, worked, had a cool vacation and made music. It was a great time; it was a separate life. Then some left Donetsk, and some lived far away. We rarely saw each other, and messengers were not so popular then. Most of the time I was working. I went to the factory, where most of my entourage were factory workers. There were a lot of cool guys there, but the composition of the shifts often changed, and I rarely crossed paths with them. Then I just got into the universe of workers, where many people think that no one can achieve anything on their own, that everywhere there are small salaries, the bosses are assholes, they all pumped themselves into cars and apartments, and the president does not worry about our well – being, and we are simply used as slaves. There were shifts of 12 hours, so I listened to this attitude to life and the world almost around the clock. I couldn’t not communicate, but I didn’t support anyone either. I thought that if I don’t think so, then I just listen to them like a radio, and it doesn’t affect me. One day, in another conversation with my wife about buying an apartment in Donetsk, I caught myself thinking that I also began to think so. That everyone is to blame for me, and apartments cost a lot of money, and you can’t earn money on them in an honest way. I just felt that I was becoming like these people at the factory. Whose goals in life do not go beyond a bottle of cognac on the weekend. After that, I just got sick of work, and I wanted to change everything. Country, city, job, everything to completely reset. So that Will Smith «flashed» me a device from «Men in Black», and I forgot all about these times.
Then I started getting interested in moving to Moscow. Thinking about all relocation options, laws, documents, housing, etc. At the same time, I got into a shift with a new chemist, Evgeny Kazakov. We immediately got along, became friends, and I found out that he also wanted to leave. We quickly joined forces on the issue of relocation. We sat in the airlock for 7 hours every shift and discussed moving options. I remember looking at Moscow job offers and admiring big salaries of 25,000 rubles. We can say that getting to know Zheka saved me. From the «hands are beginning to give up, let it be what it will be» mode, I switched to the «I will do everything to achieve what I want» mode. Every day at 6 a.m. I went to the bus and wanted to come to work as soon as possible to discuss with Zheka what information I found and what he did. When everything came true, I clearly understood that you can get anything you want. The main thing is to do something, try and not stop. This situation has changed my thinking and attitude to difficulties. One person was then my positive environment. Imagine if there were 12 of them. Who would support and believe with me. This does not mean that my wife, parents and friends did not support me. I just didn’t tell them about my plans and was constantly at work.
There is a famous statement «Crab bucket theory». It says that the crabs put in the bucket will pull down the crab that starts to get out of this bucket. Therefore, the sooner you meaningfully analyze your environment and remove all the crabs from there, the sooner you will feel changes for the better. Unfortunately, often in our environment, negative energy comes from those closest to us. Our parents, relatives, friends do not believe in us, question our success and abilities. There is one way to deal with this. If there are crabs among friends and colleagues, then such communication should be stopped as soon as possible. You don’t have to call them or write: «get out, bloodsucker, we don’t communicate anymore.» Just smoothly exit the communication and reduce it to zero. If such people are among parents, friends, relatives, then you need to agree that they do not say anything negative to you and do not complain. The main thing is to clearly distinguish requests for help from meaningless whining. From experience, I am sure that a small part will succeed. The rest will have hard work, difficult decisions or psychological stability. If you have such friends, relatives or family members, honestly and politely explain your thought once or twice. Explain that you are uncomfortable and you don’t know how to react. If nothing changes, they ignore you, continue bombarding you with dirt and negativity, then this means that they don’t care. They just satisfy their needs by communicating with you. Like, who, if not you, will listen to them? Stop this communication. It won’t lead to anything good.
«A person will be more willing to manipulate other people for the sake of getting support than he will agree to stand on his own feet to wipe his own ass»
Frederick Perls
Many will say that I am cruel and suggest cutting off communication with relatives and friends. Yes, that’s what I suggest, if there is nothing positive or neutral in this communication. Only you need to try to break not the whole connection, but the line of negative communication. But if it doesn’t work out, then it’s better not to communicate at all than to spoil your life. Or you can be among the lucky ones who will learn not to take everything personally and ignore the negative. I have seen many times how people spend years on painful or toxic communication. This is a step to nowhere. The question is very sensitive, because often people themselves do not understand that they are in a negative environment. No need to act hastily. Always try to help, but if everything is to no avail, then there’s nothing else for you to do except for either to endure or to avoid negative influence. Choose what is the lesser of evils for you.
Analyze your environment for energy, value, and needs. It sounds mercantile, but this is the only way to assess the situation soberly. You need to understand what this communication with a specific person is giving to you. For example, you communicate with someone because you have common interests, it charges you, you relax, get knowledge or give knowledge, and you like it. Write down a list of all the people with whom you communicate the most. Next to each in several columns, write: how long have you been communicating, what kind of need do you fulfill (why do you communicate with them, what do you like about it), what kind of energy do you get (how does it affect you), what have you learned or can learn, what topics were talked about last time. Then make a plan to strengthen and expand communication with good people. With whom you are comfortable communicating, they are ready to support you, share their experience and sincerely rejoice for your success. Try to make changes in your life to spend more time with positive people. Also make a plan to get rid of bad contacts. And do not forget that for someone you are also a close environment. Your behavior also affects other people’s lives. Let this influence be positive.
Skills and qualities
We carry out any activity with the help of competencies. Competence is a set of skills and the ability to use them to perform certain tasks. In simple terms, you have your own skills and qualities that help develop current and new skills. Which allow you to perform roles in different situations. In the analysis, our task is to understand what is the arsenal of skills and qualities at the moment. After all, remember that no one will give you an Iron Man costume. We have only ourselves. So, it doesn’t matter what you think about your skills, you need to analyze yourself for superpowers and growth points. You don’t need to focus on what you don’t know how to do, but you want to. Maybe you don’t need it. We’ll figure this out later. For those who think that they don’t know anything and can’t do anything, I’ll say right away: there are no people who can’t do anything. Up to the current age, you received different experiences, adopted other people’s attitudes and existed in this world. All people have the potential for development and degradation. You definitely have superpowers. You just don’t know about it yet or have never tried to find them. Until today, your skills have provided you with different functions for different roles. For example, driver, manager, parent, salesman, pilot, etc. All these are roles, and each needs its own skills. Looking ahead, we can say that life is a set of projects in which you need to play different roles. The path to your goals also consists of projects. If you haven’t reached the goal yet, then most likely you don’t know what projects it consists of, or you haven’t completed all the necessary projects. At this stage of the analysis, it is necessary to deal with what is there. To make it easier, start with the current activity. Write down the activity that you are doing now, that you like, and that you are doing well, in your opinion and the opinion of your friends, acquaintances and relatives. For each activity, write down the skills that you already use and which are needed for its execution. Write down what you know. If you don’t know what you like, then skip it. Fill it out later. Interview your friends and acquaintances. Ask them the question: «What do you think I’m doing well?». You can learn something new about yourself and very pleasant. If at this stage you already know the skills you want to develop, then write them down. It is important that they are dictated by the goal, and not because it is now in trend, or the son of a mom’s friend can do it, but you can’t. If you have encountered a problem and could not solve it, then write down what skills were not enough for this. Also write down your achievements at the moment with an explanation of what helped you do it. Forget about your emotions and opinions. Imagine that they put a gun to your temple and forced you to praise yourself. Write down everything you can praise yourself for. Any, even the smallest achievement.
«There are no irreplaceable, there are unique…»
GROT
The qualities you possess are no less important. They can be the seed from which you will grow the necessary skills. It is important to admit to yourself and describe your qualities as honestly as possible. What do you consider strong qualities and weak ones. This is a subjective assessment, but we need to start from something. Qualities help to form flexible skills or, as they are commonly called, «soft skills». Harvard scientists say that flexible skills account for 85% of a person’s success in the profession, rigid ones account for only 15%. Today, flexible skills are a trend, but we will talk about this in the chapter about training. Therefore, honestly describe your qualities. Without checking with a list of good and bad qualities. Just write what you consider to be the strong and weak qualities of your character. There is no purpose to praise or scold yourself. You need to take a picture of your character and understand what can already be used for growth, and what needs to be tightened. Correcting qualities is difficult. Most of them were formed in childhood, some more thanks to life experience. To change the qualities, sometimes you may need the help of a specialist. Most often, nothing needs to be changed, and the help of a career consultant puts everything in its place. But for now, just finish reading this book. Most likely, the next few chapters and a little consistency will solve your problems.
Mindset
I used to often hear that you are what you think. I don’t agree with that. You can think as much as you want, but you will never do it. In order to change something or decide on something, there must be a certain mindset. Mindset is a type or way of thinking. We can also say that this is a person’s worldview. In principle, it depends on him how and with whom you will move towards the goal, what will be the reaction and actions in case of difficulties and mistakes. Your confidence, attitude, courage and speed of change depend on it. You’re not what you think you are. You are what you do. To do the right thing, you need to put things in order in your way of thinking. To do this, you need to analyze your thoughts. The American psychologist Carol Dweck devoted a lot of work to the topic of mindset. She is an expert in social psychology and developmental psychology. She has a book, which in the original is called «Mindset». We have translated it as «Flexible consciousness». It explains that success in various spheres of life is not just a special talent or ability. Basically, this is the result of how we look at life. The idea of the book is that there is a «growth mindset» and a «fixed mindset». In short, the first is cool, and the second is bad. Carol’s book contains many examples from sports, business and personal stories that explain the role of a growth mindset for success, and how a fixed mindset contributes to failure.
Without abstruse books, it is clear that a positive attitude is good. Who would you go to Everest with? With someone who believes and longs for victory? Or with a pessimist who constantly whines and sees negativity everywhere? You will say that believing and longing is not yet done – and you will be right. Just attitude is not enough. Your installations are important, the firmware of your thinking.
Fixed mindset settings assume that every person has a certain set of skills from birth, whether professional, social or other. Such people usually think that:
• I was born this way so nothing can be changed;
• Abilities and intelligence are transmitted by genes, not everyone has them;
• I would be able to, too, if I had the capabilities like his/hers;
• Failure is bad, I will be ashamed of what people will think;
• Why take it on if I don’t know how to do it;
• It is not for me because it’s very difficult.
And other thoughts like that. People with a fixed mindset like phrases like «yes, what are you getting yourself into, it’s not for you», «what if», «yes, I’ve already seen a lot who didn’t succeed» and so on. The image of such people is well shown in the second verse of Kasta’s song «Way higher». Its meaning can be described roughly as «Dry bread at home is better than roast meat abroad.» I think this phrase was invented by the most important boss of people with a fixed mindset. Of course, it is better that there are no such people around you. Surround yourself with people who will pull you up. Life is already full of people who want to pull you down.
People with a growth mindset are diametrically opposite. The mindset of growth is based on the fact that any skill or competence can be developed. That everything can be achieved if you figure it out and act. People with such a mindset will think like this:
• Nothing is predetermined, everything depends on me;
• If you try, you will definitely succeed;
• Mistakes are not scary, it’s an experience;
• You need to learn new things in order to use new approaches;
• I don’t care what people think, I’ll try;
• I can achieve anything, it’s a matter of resources and skills.
It turns out that all people are divided into a kind of pessimists and optimists, confident and insecure people. Most people who call themselves «pessimists» or «skeptics» are afraid of failure. Therefore, they choose comfortable pessimism. There are no trials and problems in pessimism. As well as there is no growth and development. Many people usually say that they are not pessimists, but realists and just soberly assess the situation. That they have already had experience, and they know how it will be. Therefore, it is better not to go into something that you do not understand, it is better not to take risks. Such people are not confident; they did not draw conclusions from the failure and gave up. They usually work well for those who are confident. Insecure people are easier to manage, give loans, use for their needs. Some pessimists even understand this and try to get out with the help of silver bullets: courses, trainings and marathons. They are taught there to visualize, look for motivation, say «yes» to everything and praise themselves in front of the mirror. But it doesn’t help, because it doesn’t change the mindset.
«A pessimist is first of all a homeless person. To be an optimist, you need to work hard»
Mario Corella
To make steps towards growth, you need a growth mindset. To change the mindset, you need to work hard on yourself. It’s funny that every person has a growth mindset from birth. Look at the children, they are super confident. They try to get up and walk. They fall, but they get up and go. No one develops learned helplessness; no one thinks that it is painful, shameful and scary. They just do it. They just don’t understand a lot of things that adults understand. But look at the omniscient adults, most are not sure about anything.
«Everyone knows that this is impossible. But here comes an ignoramus who does not know this – he makes a discovery»
Albert Einstein
Before graduating from university, I was such a child with a growth mindset. Thanks to Mom. She has always said since childhood that I am the best, and I can do anything. I never thought about the fears of failure and did not doubt myself. But after university I acquired pessimism. When it turned out that no one needed a diamond like me without work experience, I became more and more pessimistic. I didn’t know what to do. I was feeling blue and I was ready to accept any job. Working at the factory, I stopped believing that I could achieve something. I didn’t even think about what I wanted, and I didn’t make any plans for life. Finally, my wife did not let me get bogged down in this swamp. Sometimes her critical thinking can’t stop in time, and she may start to worry, but she has always been against pessimistic views. She is exactly the person who knows how to enjoy life and enjoy the moment. She was probably assigned to me so that I wouldn’t go crazy for unknown merits in my past life. She was just talking to my negative thoughts: «Why do you think that? What facts are your thoughts based on?» I immediately rushed into the argument, explained to her that she did not understand anything. But every time it turned out that I had no arguments. I was just winding myself up with negativity and generating problems that might not have happened. I was engaged in forecasting and was sad. Then I was captured by a fixed mindset. I was afraid to solve difficult tasks, I wanted to justify my inaction with barriers and to absolve myself of responsibility.
Our brain contributes to the consolidation of a fixed mindset. It always overestimates threats, underestimates opportunities, and downplays the resources you have. Therefore, it is very important to analyze your mindset for parasitic thoughts. They limit growth. They keep you from taking a step that can change your life. Although this step doesn’t have to be big. It may be microscopic, but you will not dare to take it, because you are afraid of even a small risk. All people are biologically equal, but they develop differently. There are no genes of genius and super intelligence. There are only your thoughts that limit or trigger actions. You can continue to complain that something is not given to you. Or you can just start learning something new, try, experiment and improve yourself. If you notice a fixed mindset in yourself, then urgently understand this topic. Better put my book aside, read «Mindset» by Carol Dweck and then continue. Without the growth mindset, useful information will be blocked, there will be no trust in it, and you will be forever looking for a silver bullet. System life is an exoskeleton for the growth mindset. You just need to start implementing it, and you will see that you are also capable of a lot. The whole book is written so as not to give you precedents for fixing a fixed mindset. So that you approach any changes, challenges or problems boldly and do not feel fear. Without any «what if, what if», etc. So that there is no doubt about achieving the result, and there is confidence that you will not give the back.
