Kitabı oku: «Английские анекдоты / English Jokes», sayfa 5
Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, “When a musician just can’t handle his instrument and doesn’t improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer.”
A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: “And if he can’t handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor.”
* * *
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources21 person asked a young applicant fresh out of22 Business School, “And what starting salary are you looking for?”
“About ₤125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.23”
“Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund24 to 50 % of salary, and a company car leased every two years – say,25 a red Corvette?26”
The applicant sat up straight and said, “Wow!27 Are you kidding?”
And the interviewer replied, “Yeah, but you started it.”
* * *
As a senior citizen28 was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!”
“Heck,29” said Herman, “It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them!”
* * *
As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said:
– I can’t find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it’s due to drinking.
– In that case, – said the patient, – I’ll come back when you’re sober.
* * *
Doctor: What seems to be the trouble? Patient: Doctor, I keep getting the feeling that nobody can hear what I say.
Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?
* * *
An admiral is standing by a candy machine at the Naval Academy in Annapolis when he stops a plebe walking by.
– Sailor, do you have change for a pound?
– Sure, buddy, – says the plebe, rooting around his pocket.
– That’s no way to address an officer! Now let’s try it again. Do you have change for a pound?
The plebe snaps to attention30 and barks:
– No, sir!
* * *
– My father had two horses that looked so much alike that he measured them so he could tell them apart.
– Did that help?
– It sure did. He found that the white one was 6 inches shorter than the black one.
* * *
Man says to God:
“Lord, why did you make woman so beautiful?”
God says, “So you would love her.”
“But Lord,” the man says, “why did you make her so stupid?”
God says, “So she would love you.”
* * *
A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation.
He wrote, “I would like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?”
An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, “I’ve been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time I’ve never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls.
I’ve never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I’ve never had a dog run out on a hotel bill.
Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you’re welcome to stay here, too.”
* * *
– Sir! Did you have a good holiday? Did you go away?
– Yes, I went to France, to Paris.
– Did you have much trouble with your French when you were there?
