Kitabı oku: «To Forgive or To Revenge. Collection of articles», sayfa 4

School Nicknames

Child's attitude to his name forms in the family. Surrounding people's perception of him – at school or in the yard – is a result of such attitude. If a child is ashamed of himself, feels shy about his name, he provokes other to laugh at him, tease and call bad names. That is why he becomes embarrassed and unsociable.

If a child feels himself confident, contacts easily, tells his name clearly by the acquaintance and corrects if it is called wrong, no teasing is frightful for him.

There are examples retold us by two clients. The first woman is oriented from a Central-Asian family, the other's parents come from Caucasus and they both studied at school in Moscow. The first woman shamed her orientation from the beginning, she felt awkward because of her appearance and unusual name for a Russian hearing. School times where a real suffer for her and all the time she wondered why hadn't her parents call her Lena or Natasha? When she became sixteen and got her passport, she changed her name into the Russian manner, but certainly, that didn't save her from problems. Shame that was forming for years is an inner problem and the only changing of the name is not enough.

The other school girl, vice versa, considered as the most bright and attractive girl in her class. She liked a lot her unusual name that was outlook among the simple names, the same as her bright appearance, voluminous hair and black eyes – in a sum, she considered herself beauty. While the other children spent holidays in summer camps, she went to her parents' native land, came back with exotic gifts and stories about unusual places she had visited. She described mountain rivers, endless meadow and local traditions so colorful that her classmates listened to her with surprise, and the mountain village, where she spent summer, seemed to them a kind of oversea.

As we see, the circumstances for children where the same but senses opposite. Feeling is given inside the family. In the first example we have found out that the girl's mother had difficult negative senses. After moving with her husband to Moscow, she lost all her relatives and friends and couldn't get used to the morals of a big city. Loneliness outland and melancholy for the native land where the senses she lived with and which her little daughter took over. In the same way the girl felt herself – loneliness, dissimilar from others and loyal to nobody.

Senses connected with a name accompany a person in an adult life as well. Even if a person has reached the level, when nobody may allow himself to mock about that orally, his own negative attitude will play a decisive role. If a person doesn't like his name or surname, he will make everything not to allow it sound frequently. For example, he will try not to be addressed by a name among strangers or don't say his surname. Every time when that nevertheless happens, he will feel at least strains. The name like that can't be a secure for a person. Over against, it burdens him, destroys his entirety and brings a sense of aloofness. The only suggestion in such instance is to change the attitude to the name. If it's impossible – change the name itself.

Should It Be Changed?

A recommendation to change one's own name is known well to psychologists, however it is not given frequently, and mainly when an individual finds such a desire in him himself or rather when non-admission of one's own proper name becomes so obvious that a situation requires immediate correctness. In our practice we had to give such a recommendation only two times up to now. In the first case an individual had lived through a series of hell and high water, and was preparing himself to start his life in a new place and from scratch. In the second case – due to necessity to cease a negative pace of developments and rapidly redirect his situation into a favorable stream.

Any name just like as any energy lives and dies. It could outlive an individual for a long period of time remaining in the memory of people; however it can also cease its existence whilst the life of an individual could go on.

In that particular case there would appear a necessity to have a new name: if a certain difficult longstanding stage has been passed by an individual already through, one way or another the situation has come to an end and there was closed a chapter in the history, then the name itself has already seen its service.

Whatever the case would be, an objective to change the name consists in the fact of setting up a new model of the life. And it cannot be done without any perception of the things that happened to be wrong in the old variant.

A change of the name itself would not give anything, if there would remain familiar feelings. You should comprehend that it is not the name being guilty in previous negative feelings, but the associations connected with them.

For instance, a young lady considers her name to be disharmonious being ashamed of it, and an idea to change it for another one would fascinate her at the very beginning. But as soon as we ask her to imagine her life with a new name, she would be overwhelmed by panic. She is afraid of thinking about the thing how she would explain such a change to her acquaintances. She feels uncomfortable in front of people, because of her indeed they would have to re-accustom themselves. At the long last, she would feel so much uncomfortable because of that undertaking that she makes up her mind to abandon. It points to the fact that a feeling of awkward manner is not associated with the name – it appears to be a basic feeling in the life of this individual. There isn't any sense here to change the name but you have to work on your attitude towards yourself.

Not always a change of the name would imply profound changes. In reality it turns out that more often an individual would rather prefer a name to be harmonious with the previous one. For instance, Lera instead of Valeria, Marusia instead of Maria, Tatiana instead of Tatyana, Natalia instead of Natalya, Darya instead of Dasha. From outside this difference could appear to be imperceptible one, but for an individual it is an essential one.

Sometimes a situation would require an official change of the name – it is important that as per documents you would call that individual in another way, otherwise a new name “would not work” without it. In the other cases such changes on paper are not of so much importance, though to the foreground there would come a necessity of learning to insist on ones' own right to be called in the way you like it. If your family name is pronounced with the emphasis on a certain syllable, and if it is your liking to have your name in its complete variant, but not in a shortened one, then you should not feel uncomfortable with it asking to call you exactly that way.

We had a case when a young lady by the name of Valentina used to suffer because of the fact that they would long calling her Valya, and it would consistently refer her to the image of а silver-haired auntie Valya from the broadcast “On a visit to fairytales”. Whilst the name of Valentina was considered by her being a lovely one associated with the most romantic holiday of the recent years – Saint Valentine's Day. Each time hearing “Valya” to her address, she would fly into a passion, however made no remarks. And the issue consisted only therein just to learn precising politely and calmly that she should be called exactly Valentina.

Only for Each Other

Sometimes new names appear of their own accord. For instance, there emerge romantic relationship between the young people, and they would give sweet names to each other which could remain for only both of them, but also slip out of the young couple. It bears reminding that the other partner should certainly be pleased with such a name and it should be a particular one being suitable just for him/her. Nothing would offend a beloved person more than his/her perception of the fact that he/she is for you not more than subsequent “bunny” or “pussy-cat”. Any pat name should be also used with certain carefulness. Anything that caresses the ear in private could bring you into an embarrassing situation in the presence of others.

A new name could do a good service to you. One our female client by the name of Elena used to comprehend that both men with whom she was connected by long-term relationship – her ex-husband and the current one would call her by different names. In the first case it happened because she would introduce herself as Alena because at the moment of getting acquainted there was her female friend with the same name Lena nearby, and she did not want to repeat herself just being one out two of them. So, from then onward it became the custom for her husband to call her always Alena. In their present relationship her husband being a foreigner started to call her Ellen on his initiative, just in an European manner what she likes very much, too. It is interesting that initially Elena is her mother's name, in honor of which her daughter was named. Internally she has never ever liked her resemblance to her mother, and she would always like to sever herself and be different from her mother; however their similar names would always bring her back. And her desire was realized unconsciously. While marrying she started a new life in which she would feel as a different person. And her new name used to help her in it.

What Should Be a Child's Name?

Thinking over a name of their child, the parents should bear in mind that quite often an individual comes into this life with a name already. Sometimes, prospective parents plan to give a particular name to their child, but when pregnancy occurs or when a child comes into this world, they change their mind giving him/her quite another name, more appropriate one. It happens like this because, while thinking over the future of our child, we do that in abstract way, and with the appearance of an individual there also comes his or her name.

Frequently, prospective mothers could obtain some prompts how to call their child. It happens sometimes that such information comes to them in a dream; now and then there are some prompts from their inner voice. Their senior children turn to be some good advisors in this matter. They are capable of being the first ones to recognize who is going to be born: a brother or a sister, and what should be the kid's name. You could listen not only to your senior children, but to your kid as well. If you are awaiting a child now, you can imaginatively apply to it asking whether it would like the name chosen by you.

It is desirable that both parents would be fond of their child's name. The opinions of the other family members are not so much important, but the parents' attitude towards their child's name plays a major role.

There are times when parents cannot come to their common opinion, however even in this case they should not give their child a name single-handedly, in opposition to the bedfellow opinion.

It is better to agree to a compromise and choose a name that more or less would suit both of them. Beyond attitude regarding their child's name there also stands their attitude towards the child itself – you should not forget about this.

One married couple used to apply to us at a time of anticipation of their firstling. They could not possibly agree upon; each of them wanted to give their daughter a name in one's own way, and each of them took a position insisting on his/her variant for the simple reason that he/she likes this name very much. As a matter of fact it turned out that deep in his heart the husband was fine with the option of his wife, however he had a feeling that he should give his daughter the name in honor of his loving grandmother who turned sick recently, and in all appearances would not ever get to feet any more. As it happened the wife was not against an option of her husband in broad-brush terms either, but she was afraid that this name would not be accepted by her family members because it happened to be too much uncommon in their cultural environment. As the result, when both of them agreed to come to terms, we asked them to imaginatively apply to the child in order to clarify what name out of two ones the child would like to have. It turned out that neither of these names would suit the girl. So, the to-be parents had to leave their efforts pleasing their family members and to look for the third option. And such a name was found quickly.

In Honor of Whom

If you give your child a name in honor of some given individual please bear in mind that therewith you would attire some traits of this individual into the character of your child, and the events of his/her life – into its destiny. Therefore, please check whether that individual was a lucky and healthy one having achieved some success in the life, being happy in love and having a family. If that individual passed away rather soon or was for instance a very good-hearted and generous one, but unhappy and unlucky, you should not give your child a name in his/her honor.

There are times that one child dies at a very young age, and the sequent one receives the very same name in memory of the first one. By doing like that, the parents would initially expect that the sequent child could replace the first one for them, and it would realize everything the first one did not have an occasion to do. You would rather not do like this. You should comprehend that there is born the other individual, and he/she has come not to replace it and not instead of it, but to take its own place and for its own life. Each child has both its own character and its destiny, and hence its name.

In general, the less your child's name calls for your associations with some given individual, particularly among those still living ones, the better it is.

In this case the name is not with any burden, it easily fits any individual and it acquires the traits being peculiar only to him/her. It is sufficient that this name has got a positive coloring in your eyes and possess pleasant character features, such as for instance energy, softness, justice or cleanness.

What to do if your family member would not recognize the name of child? Distorting, misinterpreting or even avoiding pronouncing it at all? Usually this strongly irritates young parents, because in such a manner the family members would demonstrate that they do not accept their choice and would not ever agree upon it. In this case you should rather quietly explain your point of view asking them not to call the child any more in the way you do not like. If an individual categorically denounces to call your child by its name, then together with him/her you should pick up some tender name for your child that would sound pleasantly for everyone.

Speaking about a name, in the Russian Language we make use of the verb “to bear”. We do say: “to bear a name with pride” or “to bear a husband's family name”. Indeed, any name is like our clothing. However we bear it during our whole life without putting it off.

It should be paid attention to the fact with what kind of feeling we bear own name, because the very same feelings we do bring in our own life.

*** The entire topic in this article about a name could be related to a family name, too. For brevity's sake we would not mention about it every time.