Kitabı oku: «The Soldier's Sweetheart», sayfa 2

“I, well, I’m not myself right now, Sarah. I didn’t mean to snap at you before, but I can’t deal with any of this. Okay?” Nate knew it was a terrible apology, but it was the best he could come up with right now.

“I know you’re hurting, Nate,” she responded, closing the distance between them to touch his arm, to tighten her fingers against his skin.

He looked into her eyes, into deep amber eyes that had haunted him for years … in his sleep, while he was awake, when he had nothing else to do but think about what he’d left behind in his determination to fight for a greater cause, to serve his country in the absolute best way he could.

If only it was someone as sweet as Sarah who haunted his nights now. No longer dreams, but nightmares that relentlessly kept him awake night after long night.

“Nate?” Sarah was still touching him, her grip heating his skin.

He untangled himself. He had no other choice. Sarah touching him was too real; he didn’t want to feel human again, preferred the dull deadness he’d become used to. He didn’t want to acknowledge how kind she was being to him when he knew how badly he must have hurt her.

“I’m here for you, Nate. If you want to talk, if you need anything, don’t be a stranger.”

Sarah’s eyes were kind, the smile kicking up her lips so pure that he wished he had the guts to grab hold of her and not let her go. To fold her slender body against his and cradle her, to remember what they used to have, the man he used to be. To make him feel less like damaged goods and more like a human being again.

“Thanks,” he managed, his voice a husky octave lower than usual.

Sarah’s fingers skipped across his upper arm and she left, walked from the barn leading her young mare, ready to turn her out in the field again.

Nate stared after her until she disappeared, eyes caught by the softness of her silhouette. Slim-fitting T-shirt, worn jeans that she obviously found comfortable to ride in and that darn dog sticking close to her like he viewed Nate as an imminent danger.

Would she still use her maiden name? Nate forced the question from his mind, trying to refocus on the horse he was supposed to be brushing down.

So she was single again? What difference did it make to him? Nate had made a choice six years ago, and as far as he could tell, there was no going back from that.

Not now and not ever.

Sarah pulled out a chair from the table and dragged it across the room. She stood on it, rummaged around in the high cupboard and yanked out what she’d known to be hidden there.

She shouldn’t be looking at it, not after all these years, but seeing Nate had brought back a flood of memories that she couldn’t help but want to revisit. When she was married to Todd, she’d done her best to put the past behind her, but now …

Sarah smiled as she flicked to the first page. Hearts doodled in pink pen, Nate’s name written in curly letters that she’d thought were fancy at the time. There were pictures of them on the ranch and hanging out with friends, notes he’d written her back when they’d been in class. She’d kept them all, even after she’d married Todd and they’d moved in together, when she’d known they should have been forgotten about.

She turned to the last page, needing to wipe the smile off her face by reminding herself why they’d broken up.

Nate had looked so handsome that day, dressed in his uniform, cheeky smile on his face as he’d turned toward the camera.

They’d made promises the day he’d left to each other, promised that they’d find a way to stay together no matter what. She’d never wanted to hold him back, but then he’d always promised he’d come home. That they’d do whatever it took. Instead, he’d broken her heart, and made her realize that waiting for him had been a big mistake.

Sarah flipped the tattered book shut and left it on the table. Maybe she’d show it to Nate, maybe she wouldn’t, but now he was back there was no use trying to run from the past. She’d loved Nate with all her heart, and maybe, just maybe, she’d never stopped.

Sarah walked into the kitchen and made straight for the cake she’d made earlier. She had planned on giving it to Johnny for helping her out with her horse, but she needed a sugar fix and fast.

And not for the first time, she wished she wasn’t such good friends with the Calhoun family. It wasn’t like she could talk to them about Nate, not when it sounded like he wasn’t even on speaking terms with them himself.

CHAPTER THREE

NATE took a deep breath. He wasn’t used to being nervous, had spent years being the brave one no matter what the situation, but right now he was knee-shakingly worried.

He raised one hand and knocked lightly on the door, not wanting to alarm his sister or her new husband.

The door opened, only halfway, and Nate looked down to see a little boy with messy blond hair. His nephew. For some reason he hadn’t expected the boy to answer.

“Hey, Brady.” Nate could almost feel his blood pressure dropping from being confronted by a child instead of his little sister. She might be younger than him, but she could be darn bossy, and he was still wondering if he’d done the right thing in turning up. But he couldn’t hide away forever, and he was lonely. After so many years in the army, he was equal parts miserable about being alone and relieved not to have to pretend like he was okay to his buddies.

“Tell Holt that he can’t keep sneaking in the front door and stealing my chutney!” Jess called out.

Nate smiled. So Holt was still taking Jess’s things without asking. Some things never changed. Maybe he had missed them.

“Mom, it’s not Uncle Holt,” Brady called back, grinning as he grabbed Nate’s hand and tugged him into the kitchen. “It’s—”

The kid didn’t have a moment to get the word out.

“Nate!” Jess dropped what she was doing and rushed around the counter to him. “Johnny, turn the television off.”

Nate shook his head. “No, don’t make a fuss. I just thought I’d take you up on that offer of dinner. If you have enough to spare, that is?”

“Enough to spare?” Jess gave him a hug, her slender arms wrapping right around him, before she pulled back and kissed his cheek. “We always have more than enough to share, especially for my favorite brother.”

Nate gulped, pushing away the feeling that he should have stayed home alone. But he couldn’t stay there forever, and if he was going to try to make amends, then Jess was the person he wanted to start with. She was his youngest sister, and even though she liked trying to fix other people’s problems, for some reason he’d come to her instead of going up to the main house.

“So I’m your favorite brother now?” he joked.

Jess responded with a slap to his arm, followed by a tight, impromptu hug.

One step at a time, or at least that’s what he was trying to keep telling himself.

“Nate.”

He clasped hands with his brother-in-law, forcing a smile. Nate had nothing against the man, was pleased his sister had found happiness, and he seemed like a good guy; it was just that he wasn’t ready for small talk again yet. Especially not with someone he didn’t know.

“I hope you don’t mind me dropping in like this?” Nate asked Johnny, releasing his palm and stepping back, shoving his hands into his pockets.

“I know all about wanting to be alone, so you can come here whenever you want,” Johnny told him, slinging an arm around Jess’s shoulders. “This one here might try to talk your ear off, but—”

There was a soft tap at the door followed by the creak of it opening. Before Nate could raise an eyebrow at his sister, ask who they were expecting, or even turn, he caught sight of the grimace on Jess’s face.

“Are you …?” Nate didn’t even get to finish his sentence.

“Sarah,” Jess said with a smile, nudging him on the way past. “I was just about to tell Nate that we were expecting company for dinner, and here you are.”

Nate looked at Sarah, at the frozen expression on her face, and then surveyed the room. He should have realized when he’d arrived that something was up. The table was set with pretty napkins that he was certain wouldn’t be used on a nightly basis, and even Brady was dressed nice, not in clothes dirty from an afternoon playing outside.

“Nice to see you again, Nate.”

Sarah’s soft voice pulled him from his thoughts. He had no place being rude to her, giving her the silent treatment, so this was going to have to be his chance to redeem himself.

“You’ve already seen Sarah since you’ve been back?” Jess asked.

“I found Sarah under my tree this morning,” he told his sister, still not taking his eyes from the woman standing in the entrance to the room, cake held out awkwardly in one hand, bottle of wine clutched in the other.

“Nate, please don’t tell me you’ve forgotten your manners.”

Nate laughed. Jess sounded just like their mom. Bossy but saying her words with a smile so it sounded less like an order than it was. He crossed the room and took the plate from Sarah, giving her what he hoped was a warm smile. “Sorry,” he muttered.

Sarah looked up, her amber eyes lighter than he’d remembered, her cheeks pink like she was as embarrassed as he was. Nate turned before he stared at her any longer, trying to ignore the way her dark auburn curls brushed her shoulders, or the low scoop-cut of her T-shirt.

“The cake looks, ah, great.”

Sarah laughed. “It should do! It’s the second one I’ve made today.”

Nate looked over his shoulder to see his sister take the bottle of wine and follow him into the kitchen. Brady was talking flat-stick to Sarah, already dragging her by the hand to the sofa.

Jess prodded him in the back.

“Ow!”

He got a soft kick to the calf in response. Clearly his sister didn’t care about him being injured. “It seems a little convenient that you’ve only just come home and yet you managed to find Sarah sitting under your tree already. Is that why you showed up here tonight?”

Nate crossed his arms over his chest as Jess moved around to stand in front of him. “Give me a break, Jess. Maybe I should have just stayed home.” He was tempted to wave them all good-night right now and leave them to their dinner, and that was before his sister had started to interrogate him.

“All I’m saying is that Sarah’s been hurt enough this past year without you coming here and doing the same. Again.”

Nate closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He wasn’t ready for dealing with this kind of thing, not yet. He didn’t have the thoughts inside his head in order, hadn’t dealt with what was troubling him, so he couldn’t take on anyone else’s troubles.

Besides, it was she who’d been sitting under his damn tree!

“I would never hurt Sarah, you know that. And I’m not interested in her that way, not anymore.”

Jess shook her head. “You’ve hurt her before, Nate, and anyone can see the way you two still look at each other.”

She was wrong. Jess was way off the mark with that comment. “Do you want me to go?” he asked.

Jess set down the bottle of wine she was still carrying and marched him into the living room. “You’re not going anywhere, Nate. It’s about time you came back to your family.”

Nate groaned. Maybe he should have gone up to the main house, after all. If he was going to make an effort, Holt might have been easier to spend an evening with, and his new wife would surely have been easier on him than Jess was.

Sarah was struggling to engage in conversation. Heck, she was struggling to breathe, so it was no wonder she couldn’t speak! Nate was sitting quietly on the other side of the table, his eyes still stormy but without the anger she’d seen flashing there earlier.

“Sarah, would you like some more?”

She locked eyes with Jess, who was staring at her with a smile on her face. Sarah tried hard not to blush, but she’d been caught out watching Nate and now everyone was looking at her. Even little Brady had stopped his chatter.

“Maybe just a little,” she murmured, focusing on spooning more of the chicken and rice dish onto her plate. “It really is great, Jess. I’ll have to get the recipe from you one day.”

Nate chuckled. “I think you’ll find that there’s not a recipe as such.”

Sarah relaxed as the burning heat receded and left her cheeks at a more comfortable temperature. “Sounds like there’s a story behind this dish, then?”

Nate straightened and leaned forward slightly, the first time he’d actively engaged without his sister prompting him. Everyone else was silent.

“Mom made this for us when we were young, even though she always moaned about how many chickens she needed to fill us all.”

His smile made Sarah grin straight back at him. It was so nice to see that flicker of … Nate. Him being like this reminded her of how he’d been years ago. Before everything had changed.

“We used to beg her for this every birthday, special occasion, you name it, even when we were growing up,” Jess continued, rising and dropping a kiss to her brother’s head as she passed him. “She never did have a recipe for it, because she’d tasted something similar in a Chinese restaurant and this was her trying to replicate it.”

Sarah looked at Nate again. There was a frown starting to drag the corners of his mouth down, but she could see he was trying hard not to pull away from them.

“When Mom died, when I could have thought of so many things, I thought about this,” Nate told them, shaking his head as he pushed his fork around his plate. “One of the first things I thought was that I’d never eat her chicken and rice again. Stupid, I know, but I was so damn hungry at the time, sick of eating crap food where I was posted, that I could almost smell the chickens roasting in her oven. Could see myself sitting in her kitchen as she cooked up a storm around me.”

Sarah couldn’t help it, she reached across the table for Nate’s hand. He didn’t resist, and she needed to touch him. Needed to comfort him when he was so clearly lost. She should have been angry with him, but right now all she could feel was his pain.

“When she confessed to not having an actual recipe, I started to watch her every time she made it,” Jess said, taking over the storytelling. “I used to cook it for Dad sometimes, to remind him of her, and now I can cook it for all of you when we need a little pick-me-up.”

Sarah had no idea how she’d ended up sharing a meal with Nate after all these years, being part of his family again. She moved her hand away from his, but not before squeezing gently.

The look he gave her, the powerful way he seemed to stare straight through her, sent a soft tickle down her back, and she didn’t look away.

Right now, it was like a glimpse of what could have been. If Nate had come home, if he’d never left, they could have been sitting around this table every week. But the one thing that wouldn’t change was that there’d be no little Nates sitting with them….

Sarah glanced at the food on her plate, the extra spoonful she’d only just added, and knew she couldn’t eat it. She stood to help Jess clear the table instead, needing a moment away from Nate. Away from the happy family scene that she’d been enjoying so much until her silly fantasy had taken over her thoughts.

It didn’t matter that Nate was home, and there was no point even thinking about what could have been. Because the truth was he’d made the decision that he didn’t want to be with her when he chose not to come home. And the perfect little family they’d often talked about when they were together? It wasn’t even possible.

No matter how badly she wanted children of her own, that wasn’t in her future any longer. There was nothing she could do to change that, and she sure didn’t want Nate to know about it, either.

“Do you want to cut the cake or shall I?” Jess called out.

Sarah hurried into the kitchen and took a deep breath, relieved to be away from the table even for a moment, before taking the knife and starting to slice into it. “I’m fine doing this, you go and sit down,” she told her friend.

She’d already eaten enough cake to make her stomach ache earlier in the day, yet her brain was trying to tell her she was ready for more comfort food already.

Sarah spun around with a plate in each hand before dropping one with a smash to the floor.

“Nate!” She’d run smack-bang into him, the plates bumping straight into his chest.

He bent to scoop up the fallen slice of cake with one hand, the other collecting what was left of the broken plate.

“I’m sorry, I …” Sarah didn’t know what to say, so she put the other plate on the counter and bent down, too, picking up the smaller fragments.

Nate’s hand hovered close to hers, so close she wished he’d touch her, to feel his fingers against her skin. Like a drug she’d long given up but was so overwhelmingly tempted to consume again.

“Everything okay in there?”

“Fine,” Nate called back to his sister.

Only Sarah wasn’t so sure things were fine. Her heart was beating hard and fast, and her stomach was flipping at a rapid rate. She held the broken pieces of plate in her hands before braving a glance at Nate, and finding him looking straight back at her. His blue eyes icy as he stared.

“Sarah.” He stated her name, like he wanted to say something else but couldn’t figure out what or how to go about it.

“Do you want to go for a walk?” Sarah’s question came out as a whisper.

“Now?”

She nodded. Nate plopped the cake on the remainder of the plate he held and offered her his arm, careful to keep his sticky cake fingers away from her. Sarah accepted his help but didn’t look him in the eye again. Didn’t connect with him or touch him in any other way, because she was starting to feel so out of her depths, so weak, that she was terrified.

They both rinsed and dried their hands in silence.

“Jess, we’re going for a walk,” Nate told his sister, calling out but not moving. “Be back soon.”

Sarah followed his lead, heading out the back door. And when his fingers brushed hers, the most gentle of touches as they walked together, hands hanging at their sides, she didn’t pull away. They curled against her own, fingers so close to interlinking they were halfway to holding hands, before the moment was over and she was left with a shiver crossing her shoulders as the wind touched her bare skin instead.

CHAPTER FOUR

NATE buried his hands deep in his pockets to avoid doing anything with them he’d regret. What was he thinking, reaching out to Sarah like that? He hadn’t just come home to his sweetheart and he needed to remember it. But the pull toward the woman beside him was almost impossible to ignore.

“I’m sorry if I ruined your night.”

Sarah’s softly spoken words made Nate stop walking. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

She wrapped her arms around herself, like she was trying to shield her body from danger. “When I arrived and saw you there, I don’t know … it just felt like I was intruding. And I know you haven’t seen much of your family since you’ve been home.”

Nate started to walk again. He didn’t want to do this. Didn’t want to talk about his feelings, or why he was so distant with his family, or how conflicted he felt being here with her right now. Or why it somehow felt right, either.

Because the truth was he was still angry with Sarah. Even though he knew he’d played his part in what had happened, that he’d been the one to end things, she’d taken a piece of him when she’d married Todd.

Just like Jimmy’s death had taken a piece of him, and his parents’ dying had smashed away another chunk that would never grow back.

He was a broken man and he knew it.

“No one seems to realize what I’ve been through, Sarah, and that makes it kind of hard to relax around here.” Nate looked away, wondering if he shouldn’t have been quite so honest. “I don’t feel like I fit in anymore, that I’m part of anything that’s happening here now.”

Sarah didn’t give him time to think about it. She was at his side, hand clasped around his wrist, tugging him around. Not letting him continue.

“How can they know anything about what you’ve been through if you don’t explain that to them?” she asked, her voice low.

He wished he wasn’t staring into her eyes, wished he could ignore what she was saying and walk away, but he couldn’t.

“Sarah, I can’t go there,” he told her, his voice rough with the honesty of his words.

She didn’t break eye contact with him. “Can’t or won’t, Nate?”

Nate faltered, a lump of emotion forming in his throat and threatening to choke him. “What happened over there, what I’ve …” He stopped talking as abruptly as he’d started. “I’m sorry.”

Nate walked away, because he didn’t need anyone seeing him like this, seeing the way he couldn’t deal with what was going on in his own head. Didn’t need to relive what had happened, not again. He already did that every time he shut his eyes.

“Nate.” Sarah was in front of him again, blocking his path, the gentle way she said his name making him turn.

Then she did something he really hadn’t seen coming. She thrust her arms around his neck, pulling him in tight for an embrace he was powerless to evade. Held him like he hadn’t been held since the last time he’d seen his mom, the kind of hug that forced his body to relax and be comforted. The kind of hug that would once have made him feel loved.

“You’re home, Nate,” she whispered in his ear. “You’re home and you need to remember that. Home is where the heart is, and that’s right here on this ranch with your family.”

He didn’t know if it was the smell or feel of Sarah in his arms, the safeness of being cocooned by her, or just being held by another human being, but Nate was fighting a losing battle.

When she tipped back, looked up at him for the briefest of moments before pulling away, he did something he’d thought about for longer than he could remember. Something that he’d never forgotten, a memory he’d never let go.

Nate reached out to stop her, his palm tucked to the back of her head, holding her in place. And then he kissed her. Brought his mouth toward hers before she had a second to see it coming, to resist him, and touched his lips to hers.

Sarah sighed into his mouth, slipped her hands around his waist, pillowy lips brushing like the softest of feathers against his. Mouths grazing together in the most gentle, intimate of dances. Until she pulled back like she’d only just realized what had happened.

“This doesn’t mean I forgive you,” Sarah said in a low voice, slowly removing her hands from his waist and crossing her arms across her chest instead.

Nate swallowed hard and looked down at Sarah. She looked tiny yet brave at the same time, stronger than he’d probably ever given her credit for. He wished he could snatch her hands back and plant them on his hips again, but he fisted his own hands at his sides instead.

“For the record, I don’t forgive you, either.” And he didn’t, it was true. Forgiving her or not had nothing to do with kissing her. That was something he’d needed to do, and it had sure taken his mind off everything else that had been troubling him.

“I think we should head back,” Sarah told him, angling with her head over at Jess’s house. They had walked a short distance away, but even in the pitch-black the house was clearly visible. Lights illuminating every window, glowing as if inviting them to enter.

It was the sort of homely scene that should have tugged him back into the life he’d once yearned for. The life that he’d imagined going back to once he’d served his country, before everything had changed forever.

Nate tried not to let his pain show as he walked beside Sarah. Sometimes it was the pain within him, the pressure in his head, the stabbing betrayal and loneliness that constantly hurt him, far worse than the physical pain in his leg.

“So are you here riding again tomorrow?” Nate asked Sarah, needing to break the silence more to get away from his own thoughts than to fill the air around them with words.

Sarah smiled, shyly, and he knew she’d be blushing if only he could see her cheeks. It was dark now, but still light enough that he could make out her features.

“It’s summer vacation for me, so I’ll be riding as much as I can over the next month.”

Nate nodded. “You love being a teacher as much as you always thought you would?” He’d always remember how much Sarah loved children, how she’d always wanted to be a teacher in their small town, taking all the younger ones under her wing. Children had always flocked to her like a honeybee to pollen.

“It can be hard work, probably harder than I ever thought it would be, but there’s nothing more rewarding that I could imagine doing,” she told him, walking faster than before.

Nate laughed, finally starting to relax in her company. “All you’re missing are the four kids of your own, right?”

The smile fell from his face as Sarah’s arms wrapped around herself again. She didn’t make eye contact, acted like she hadn’t even heard what he’d said, or like he’d said something he should have kept to himself.

“I’m sorry,” he said, running a hand back and forth through his hair. What the hell had he been thinking, saying something like that? “Just because Todd wasn’t the one doesn’t mean you won’t have everything you dreamed of one day, Sarah.”

She faced him, stopping just ahead of him, a tight smile greeting him as he watched her face. “Not everything turns out the way we want, Nate. We both know that.”

Nate tried not to grind his teeth, tried to ignore the discomfort of what they were suddenly talking about even as it drilled through his body. Once, there were so many things he’d have said to Sarah. So many things he would have apologized for, promises he could have made. But not now. Once, he’d have known why his words had stung her like they so obviously had, too.

“You’re right,” he said, instead of any of the other thoughts going through his mind. “It was nice seeing you again, Sarah. If you wouldn’t mind telling Jess for me that I’ve called it a night, I’d really appreciate it.”

He continued to stare at her face, seeing the hurt that he was powerless to do anything about.

“Goodbye, Nate.” Sarah shook her head, just the barest of motions, but she didn’t turn away.

But he did. Before she told him something he didn’t want to hear, or he said something he’d only regret later. Nate walked away, knowing that he needed to get back to the guesthouse, to be alone to deal with what he needed to think through.

Alone.

He repeated the word in his mind until he heard Sarah walk away, too.

Sarah fiddled with her keys. She’d been jangling them in her palm since she’d left the house, and now she was standing beside her car trying to make a decision she shouldn’t even be considering.

What was it about Nate Calhoun that still made her twist up in knots like this?

Sarah sighed and decided to drive as close as she could to his place and walk the rest of the way. She had a piece of cake wrapped up that she wanted to give him, since he’d missed dessert, and for some reason she wasn’t sure that he was in the right frame of mind to be left alone.

He wasn’t her problem anymore, but she still wanted to help. Because she knew what it was like to be left, to deal with secrets and feel like there was no one in the world who would understand. She needed to keep swallowing her anger, wait until the right time to confront him with her pain, with her questions. And that time wasn’t now.

Sarah parked her car less than a minute’s drive away from Jess’s place, and walked quickly toward the small house Nate was staying in. There was only one room illuminated in the dark, the window coverings pulled to mute the light, but still enough for her to see the way.

What would he be doing? Watching television, reading a book, staring into space?

Sarah summoned all the courage she could muster and raised her hand to knock on the door. There was no answer. She tapped again, harder this time, wishing the door wasn’t made of solid timber so she could look in and see if he was there. Peer in and make sure she’d made the right decision in coming here instead of driving to the safety of home. As far away from Nate as possible.

She went to knock again before the door was flung back, nearly sending her spiraling forward into the house.

“What do you …?” Nate’s angry question trailed off when he saw her.

Sarah stared at him, unsure what to say. He’d been crying. Nate had been crying. The same Nate who she’d never seen cry in all the years she’d known him. His eyes were bloodshot as he swiped his face with the back of his hand, trying to remove any evidence of the tears she’d seen sticking to his skin.

“Nate, if this is a bad time …” she managed.

His dark laugh sent shivers across her skin. “It’s always a bad time for me lately.”

She wondered who he’d thought it was when he’d opened the door as angry as a disturbed, hibernating bear. But she knew that if he truly wanted to be left alone, if he enjoyed being locked away from the world as much as he was pretending to, then he never would have answered the door.

Sarah held out the piece of cake. “I just came past to give you this on my way home.”

Nate took the dessert, raised his eyes and stood back from the door. “Good night, Sarah. Thanks.”

She walked backward and jumped slightly as the door shut. What the hell was she doing? Nate was crying and she hadn’t even tried to comfort him.

Sarah marched back up to the house with a determination she’d thought had long departed. She went to knock, changed her mind and swung the door open instead.

It was warm inside, that was the first thing she noticed when she stepped in, until … oh, my.