Kitabı oku: «For better and for worse», sayfa 2

August 2012
New start

One moment, one thought,

A smile, a kiss,

That’s what I miss.

But only one thought,

And it feels like not coming true,

You just arrived here, tell me who are you?

I am a stranger for you, but still you know,

You see me everyday, but of course I don’t show,

When I come near, my heart beats quickly and I get shy,

It’s all about you, please tell me why?

A secret it is, a secret it will be,

I am afraid that you don’t like me,

Will there ever be anything between us,

Will you pay any attention,

Is it even worth to mention?

I have to keep it secret,

If I want to have a chance,

But it feels like already lost,

I’m afraid, you are in another one’s hands,

and you miss his caring, and forget about me,

Is it that thing? Will that be?

I am happy,

I am sad,

Confused, mad,

Just a smile from you,

And I will smile too,

But behind my eyes, there’s a different thought of you.

I just know you for some days, but I don’t get you out of my head,

Happy, sad, confused and mad.

Do you think something nice, do you miss me?

Do you think of somebody else, not caring about me?

You were talking to him, it means nothing for me,

But if you will give him your heart, then what will you give me?

Will I be all alone in the end, or will we break apart,

It all doesn’t matter,

It’s just a new start!

Waiting for you

Dream, Wish, Warmth, Desire,

Seeing you, being shy, feeling ashamed,

Don’t show you my feeling.

I ask myself what to do?

Nothing – just waiting for you.

Far away

Do I need to think of you?

Do I need this sorrow?

If I know you miss me too,

Is there any tomorrow?

But maybe you are missing another one,

Then everything between us might be done,

The moment under the orange sun,

The day which brought me so much fun.

A hug,

Later you may refuse,

But wish me good luck,

And the pain will be reduced.

I had this chance today

I had this chance today – to get to know you better, but what do you think after today? Just now, I know I am happy. Of course I am afraid to lose, but at least you paid attention to me. Maybe I should be happier, treasure this luck, and take a chance to get to know you much better. Maybe you secretly like me, you gave me a clue, but maybe it just means friendship and has nothing to do – nothing to do with my secret dream of you! Maybe you just were curious, I just can’t figure out, I gave you a clue, but I didn’t speak out – didn’t speak out the meaning behind it. It is just too early to tell you about it, and if you will agree, maybe other boys will be jealous. If your feeling is strong enough, can you give me more clues, then I will let you know, that I need you. I shouldn’t be too fast, we just have met, and now I had some moments with you. I am so grateful I had this possibility. I never thought that it would be like that, now I think of the future, and I wonder myself, do you have any sympathy or do you feel we are not matching? I am afraid you will tell me we don’t fit, but if you will ask me first, I don’t know if I will accept. But just now I don’t dare to confess to you, and hope you will ask me to be together, then I should accept, because I love you. At first, I didn’t want to believe my feeling, but when I’m with you I just feel good. Maybe tomorrow will show it, but maybe tomorrow nothing will happen. I think you have once paid attention to me today before we met later. It was you who talked to me first today, so I know you want to know me, but what will we be? Should I be more optimistic? Maybe I think so negative, because I just miss you so much. Tomorrow is coming soon, please join my breakfast, and until that time I will surely continue my dream of being with you – just you and me.

Indestructible Heart

This morning you didn’t look at me, what does it mean?

Yesterday’s sweetness, is it left?

My wish, has it just been a dream?

Will you break my heart, will you leave a cleft?

I feel so empty, although you were next to me.

I should not think too much,

I will go on loving you, it just feels so great,

For my own sake, it is such

A dream, and a thunder can’t let it shake.

Is it better to love you than being alone?

Blue Sky

After this morning’s sorrow,

we had the chance to be next to each other again,

you paid attention to me, between us there might be a tomorrow,

We are moving forward, but will you love me? When?

It was just a small moment, I am happy to see,

You finally care, about you and me,

But now it’s your turn, please give me a clue,

Whisper in my ears “the sky is blue”.

That’s the way, my love just tasted

When I asked to meet you again,

You behaved strange to me,

I just had a try,

But you didn’t agree,

It made me so shy.

I was sad in that moment,

I just wanted to cry,

I was strong enough,

But you made me so shy.

I just wonder if we really fit,

Or is there anything matching,

It wasn’t just the perfect hit,

Now the pain is catching.

My beloved, what did I do wrong,

Maybe I just had the wrong idea for a meeting,

Sometimes I feel my patience is gone,

Shall we go out for a coffee, or even go out for eating.

Have you been in a bad mood today?

Have you been tired?

My strength is fading away,

Anything you desired?

I still secretly love you, still try my best,

Even if there’s a lot of time wasted,

You are really not like the rest,

That’s the way, my love just tasted.

Missing communication

I feel you like me a bit,

But you don’t pay attention to me,

So I feel very sad,

Because maybe the way you like me is just “like”,

And not “love”.

I don’t know what I shall think of you,

Because I love you very much,

But you don’t know it,

And I can’t tell you.

I don’t want others to know it,

Because if you will refuse,

Then I will feel bad,

But I want you to know my love,

I just can’t tell you.

Some days have passed now,

And I saw you rarely,

And I miss you much more,

But you don’t know it,

And I can’t tell you.

I feel ashamed,

I don’t want to ask for a date,

I want you to ask me first,

But I can’t let you know.

What do you think of me,

Give me a sign,

I will answer you,

But you don’t tell me.

Broken Heart

I doubted you could love me,

But hope never dies.

I doubted you think of me,

But I knew that can’t be true.

I doubted you pay any attention to me,

You talk to me, so at least I can look in your eyes.

I wanted to give you a sign,

But I doubted you can understand.

But now I find out you have somebody else,

No love for me, no thinking, no missing, no attention,

But I cannot understand.

Love letter

Tonight I dreamed of you,

That you could love me too.

But when I woke up,

My dream just stopped,

My heart just cried,

I took my pencil to write.

But then I threw away my love letter,

I think that made things better,

I feel sad, that’s enough,

And I don’t want to annoy you with my stuff.

If I tried for you, it would be rude,

I don’t want to make you sad, bringing you in bad mood.

September 2012
If you had accepted me

I think I realised, if you had accepted me, we wouldn’t have fit anyways –

But since one month, I always think of you, day and night,

I often dream I could hold you tight,

I often dream you would be by my side.

What kind of dream could be as sweet as that,

Which other sentiment could make me feel bad,

I have to give up my feelings for you,

But just now, still – I can’t.

Actually, I have my own plans, without you,

I don’t need you, I know –

But why can’t I forget you,

I love you, I know.

Sometimes I try to avoid you, this makes me cool down,

But I can’t always avoid you, we have the ways on our own,

And I think of you and miss you, I know you don’t know that,

But somehow I don’t mind.

No one knows how I feel toward you,

Who can understand?

When someone once light a fire in heart,

There’s a feeling that just starts.

The fire lit in heart is like a first impression,

If you once have it, it doesn’t want to go away,

And so my heart tells my feelings “please stay!”.

Oh, how unforgettable you are.

If we could forget easily, what would it mean for us,

Would it really be better?

Maybe no, because love goes its own way,

No matter what you try to say.

You can hide your feeling,

You can ignore it,

Doubt it,

But love from the heart will always show up.

Safety in Heart

If I could be yours,

I would have your safety when I have a bad moment,

But I cannot be with you,

Who will give me a certain feeling?

Thinking of you doesn’t hurt me,

But knowing you don’t think of me – it hurts!

You – don’t care!

Who is thinking of me and I don’t know it?

I want a new one – a real love,

I am not sad anymore, but I still miss you,

If it’s not you – who will give me safety in heart?

The way to self-fulfilment

The world, the nature –

all kind of creatures,

living together on a lovely planet.

But are people aware,

That life means to build and to share?

A future for further generations?

People living for their self-development,

Living in peace with nature,

Keeping balance,

between human development and environment.

Therefore, many people find themselves,

In the nature, in thinking, in helping others,

Being happy doesn’t mean a lot of wealth,

But wealth in heart, and sharing with others.

The way you feel, the way you think,

Think good to who it helps,

Do every thought not to sink,

But do not think about the senseless things.

October 2012
Cheater

She looks at her mobile phone, one new message, opens it and only reads “Cheater!”. She received several text messages before, mostly charming like “You light up my life” or “I miss you”. But now it is just a single word: “Cheater!”. It is the first time she receives this, and she starts to cry. She knows that she made a mistake, but she doesn’t want to admit it. She betrayed him, that’s right, but she doesn’t want to regard it as a betrayal. But now as she sees this message, she cries. How could she know that her try to make him angry would end like that?

It all started in a cold winter. The flowers were icy, the wind was heavy, and in the night the warm bed warmed her up all alone. At that time she met him and liked him right from the start. He also couldn’t hide his feelings for her. It was just like a crush on a higher level, like two people understanding each other without any word, like being a part of the other one. Their heart, their mind, their soul – connected from the beginning, just like a wireless internet connection. They were facing everything together, but as winter got colder the love became icy. She dreamt of being a princess and being with him all her life, but he didn’t want to be a dreamer. He had to face the real side of life. From time to time he felt more unsatisfied with her, but letting her know was impossible. Waking up a sleeping beauty from her dreams, surely, that was not his cup of tea. But yet, she was not nothing for him. He really needed her, but as a realistic woman, not as a day-dreaming girl. The warm wire that connected their hearts started freezing. And as spring is the season of love, his interest was dedicated to other women. The connection to her broke completely and they broke up. She felt so hurt by him, but she missed his signs before. He felt so hurt by her, because he really needed her, but he couldn’t go on like this. He was afraid that he couldn’t satisfy her and he couldn’t stand her dreamy standards of a relationship. The dreams of April – just an illusion, the reality of June came soon. But the summer passed fast. Both had new partners now. But he dropped the new one soon, as he realized the former one to be his only. She was so hurt, so angry, but she still loved him and was ready to return. But she didn’t go that far. She needed her new one’s care, and the warmth in winter and although he wanted her back and she wanted him back – she spent the night with the other guy and betrayed the real love in this way. But it should stay her secret. Loving someone but giving love to another one – that’s betrayal, but she tried to legitimize it by telling herself that her real love is not her boyfriend now, so she can spend the nights with who she likes. In the meantime he suffered the cold winter alone dedicated in love to her, while she is doing intimate stuff with another one. But true love should win, and therefore in autumn she finished her kind of relationship with that guy to return to him. But he found out about what happened, and his pain was as deep as the pain of a falling leave on a tree. He can’t believe that she betrayed him. But who betrayed whom? Wasn’t it he who had first interest in other girls? Of course, he ended it first, but he was willing to return before she found the new guy. She didn’t want to have a revenge, yet she didn’t want to hurt him, so why she searched the warmth of someone else? She betrayed both, the old and new love. She betrayed the old love by sleeping with the new love, and the new love by loving only the old love in heart. Because he wanted her back he wrote her lovely text messages everyday. Soon after she finished with her new love, she asked him to return, but denied to sleep with him. Of course he couldn’t accept it as he never touched another girl in deference to her. How could she be so crucial to him after all that she had done? They quarreled for almost two hours, then they went their own ways. It was sure that he wouldn’t return to her, not under this condition.

The next day would be cold. Suddenly she hears the sound of her mobile phone. She looks at her mobile phone, one new message, opens it and only reads “Cheater!”. It is the first time she receives this, and she starts to cry. She knows that she made a mistake, but she doesn’t want to admit it. She betrayed him, indeed, but she doesn’t want to regard it as a betrayal. But now as she sees this message, she cries. After an hour she still cries but decides to answer him by only writing one word “Sorry!”. Then again she receives a text message from him. She’s curious about what he could write. She opens the message and starts to cry heavily again. All she received is “Cheater!”. She decides not to answer it. The pain in her heart grows and she feels so guilty. Again she receives the message with the single word. This goes on twice a day for a year and every day she is regretting more. Then she receives new messages like “You are cold” and “You are unable to love”. This goes on five times a day for two weeks. She can’t stand the pain in her heart anymore. She feels so heavy, so angry, so sad, but she mostly regrets that she has lost him. Every minute, every second she feels caught in her pain, and her breath gets cold, the skin feels frozen, her eyes are dark, her hair reflects a gray colour. She gets nervous, walks around in an empty space and doesn’t know what to do. In her mind she only hears “Cheater! Chearter! Cheater! You cold thing! You’re the only unlovable! Feel ashamed!”. She can’t stop the thoughts and she can’t feel her own body anymore, her own face, as if it doesn’t exist. Then everything goes faster, darker, emptier. Then a hush! She wakes up by the sound of her mobile phone. Now she realizes that it was only a dream, a sweet dream in the beginning, ending as a nightmare – a long long nightmare. She doesn’t know the man she loved in her dream, she never saw him, never heard of him, but she feels as if he is real. Her bad emotion hasn’t disappeared yet, and anyways she knows it is not real and there is no reason to feel bad. She answers the phone – just a friend calls and asks her to go shopping. She agrees and goes out with her friend. Then she can’t believe her eyes. The man she dreamt about was sitting on a bench, just like a familiar acquaintance. She doesn’t feel like a stranger, neither he thinks of her as a stranger. They just know each other well, without even knowing each other. She’s just about to cry – maybe for happiness, maybe for sadness, maybe for this uncertain feeling. She just passes him without saying a word. Nothing more will happen between them that day. In the evening she thinks a lot of him. Has it been a coincidence or has it been fate? She doesn’t regard him as her big love, the dream has been too clear for that, but somehow that makes him special to her. Anyways, should she forget him? She secretly wishes to see him again, but one week passes without seeing him again, then two weeks, three weeks. She is losing her patience and starts a relationship with another boy. For over half a year she doesn’t see him again. Then one afternoon while walking hand in hand with her boyfriend she sees him again. But now, she doesn’t want to talk to him at all, but she feels guilty and she feels she really needs him. Her boyfriend realizes that something is wrong with her, but he can’t find out what it is. Therefore they start quarreling very often and break up, but that wonderful man in her heart won’t show up again.

People might come, people might go away, but it is better this way. If they have been together, would everything have happened like in the dream? If yes, it would indeed have been much more painful, but by letting him pass she can keep a much sweeter memory than what might have happened if they had got closer.