Kitabı oku: «Fragile People: a Hidden Door into the World of Narcissists»

Preface

I have noticed lately how people are getting increasingly interested in the phenomenon of narcissism. But what is there to say on the matter that has not been said before? It is obvious that narcissists are troublesome and dangerous to their close ones.

Among this choir, there are yet voices that are not only willing to diagnose and condemn narcissism but also tell the story behind the psychological drama determining narcissists' character and the suffering they are prone to. I will write about narcissism from this point of view. But I would like to stress the essential: whatever psychological constitution we are characterized by, we are much more than our diagnoses, features of the character, and adaptation abilities. We are even more than the suffering that lies at the heart of all this. Thus, drawing on the character, the reasons behind it, coping strategies of a narcissist, I would ask you to see an individual behind all this. Not larger or smaller, not better or worse than anybody not sharing said characteristics.

What is more, this book is not just about narcissists. It is about their “secret” order: about those who barely resemble self-centered egoists. On the contrary, they are very-very “shy”. Unconfident, full of doubt, attacking themselves in response to any blunder or mistake. Worn-out and exhausted by the demands placed on themselves. And at the same time claiming to be strong, flawless, and being able to handle everything perfectly. Such hidden, or, in other words, deficient narcissism has a variety of manifestations, which I would attempt to present clearly as a whole picture, starting from the origins…

Introduction

When I started psychotherapy practice, I could not imagine that narcissists would become the main area of my interest. Of course, I knew who they were! Like everyone else, I thought they were egoists whose sole desire was to exploit the others.

I read numerous books telling us: “Beware of narcissists, they are everywhere, and their only dream is to use you. So, arm yourself with the knowledge to deal with their horrible nature. And may the force be with you!”

It reminds me of the joke about good people joining together to beat up bad people. But back then I was still “green” in terms of psychology and also almost fell for the popular science prejudices which could lead me to demonization of narcissism. But no! The deeper I studied this phenomenon, the better understanding of the features of people with narcissistic disorder I acquired. And the more I got interested, curious and even compassionate towards those whose narcissism appeared to be so wounded that they required such exceptional protection of their fragile “self”. Moreover, I got more and more convinced that narcissism is widespread today, but it is radically different from what we have always thought of it.

The era of “gods” and fragile self-esteem

“'I'm God!' – cries Kanye West into the camera. 'You're asking me who I am? I already told you, I'm God!' Kanye West is a god of a new breed. He is the most influential rapper of the decade. Wildly popular and fabulously rich. He is married to a phenomenally popular and incredibly rich woman. People line up to get his trainers just like for a holy communion. He is a god, he's got enough media outlets to be one. Basically, that's all he needs”.¹

In the era of gods' self-proclamation, we are forced to make ourselves worthy every day, thus, somewhat preserving our self-esteem as compared to the “successful success”. Fragile as it is, it is now checked for strength by another story of a “god” having dropped in from the sky, who managed to get it all, immediately and faultlessly. It is presented not as an exception but an ordinary and natural way: going up and never down. To become not just successful but inimitably fortunate. One of a kind. Not like anybody else. Unique…

“All” or “nothing”.

“Perfect” or “nobody”.

“The nonpareil” or “a loser”.

That is our reality, which we crash against in the attempts to assert ourselves and be somebody. We want to be perfect and invulnerable. But that makes us dependent, drained and unhappy. And very lonely…

Deep inside we want to be accepted by people. To have good relationships. We want to love and be loved. But on the way to it we are sapped by a slow-acting force – seeing ourselves as unworthy of it all. Since we are not at the top of the social success pyramid, which all social networks are full of, we feel worthless and having achieved absolutely nothing. This is a narcissistic trap set for us by the time.

We want to buy this costly ticket to enter the so much desired world of normal people, where we will be seen, valued and accepted. But time after time, we put up a velvet rope for ourselves. We have to run a hundred times faster just to stay at the same point. We are worn-out by the attempts to assert ourselves but feel that we are simply marking time. And then again devalue our way and effort. And by doing so we slide down to the very base of our personal mountain of self-esteem and self-respect, which we were hopelessly trying to climb all the time.

We are ordinary people. And often, we are not narcissists at all. But almost all of us are scared of what will happen if everyone finds out that we are not anything special. Since it seems to us that our own achievements are insufficient to legitimately consider ourselves normal. As if we are pretending to be normal. Professional, knowledgeable, able to love. At the same time being full of doubt: “Is it really so? Or will someone come tomorrow and unmask me?”

Sometimes, nothing helps us feel confident. Neither certificates, nor MBA, nor money or even recognition from our family, friends or colleagues. Our inner customs officer either does not let it all in, devaluing upon entry, or allows to enjoy it for five minutes and then throws it away beyond the limits of our psyche. So, again we have to get involved in spurious fights for our own self-esteem. Modern narcissism is widespread not as a pathology but as a background level of anxiety about one's own value.

Many-faced narcissism

Everybody knows who narcissists are.

It is true that representatives of the classical version are the very notorious self-obsessed, self-centered people, egoists with a grandiose self-image. They expect everybody to show constant admiration and recognition. And all of their resources are spent on acknowledging their own greatness and significance. Representatives of this personality type consider themselves superior to others and are willing to prove it to everyone around, demanding attention and extra-special attitude. They are absorbed exclusively in themselves, not willing to notice anyone around. For them, the only way of communicating with people is exploitation. In other words, it does not matter who you are and what you feel. If you can be of interest to a narcissist, they never refuse to use you. Otherwise, you just stay beyond their sphere of attention. The only problem is that, according to some sources, such narcissists constitute only 1 to 4 per cent of all. Too few to seriously threaten yourself with dangers of communicating with them. And that is where it gets really interesting. Since, in fact, the world is full of narcissistic people.

But not like those who you constantly hear about from the authors denouncing narcissism. And not all those who proudly wear a narcissistic crown of omnipotence, egoism, and splendor. In contrast to those who brightly manifest a narcissistic pathology, we are now surrounded by other narcissists. They will not humiliate you or show how great they are and prove to what extent they are better than you. Quite the contrary! Their narcissism is also wounded. But instead of showing off, such narcissists have chosen a different adaptation strategy. The first impression is that these people have absolutely no relation to narcissism. But it is who they are. “Secret” narcissists. People who have exceptionally fragile self-esteem and emptiness for a self-concept.

They disguise themselves and hide.

They try not to show their inferiority to anyone.

Their constant companion is total dissatisfaction with themselves and low self-esteem.

They are unable to be proud of themselves and devalue all that is good and worthy about them.

They always want to be a better version of themselves but instantly feel ashamed, inadequate or inferior.

They refuse to do anything to avoid suffering a defeat or facing a failure.

They are afraid of close relationships, but loneliness also scares them.

Their inner world is much more complex than it seems at first glance.

The “inner ear” of self-esteem

Our brain has an organ of balance and spatial orientation – the vestibular system. It helps us maintain balance when body position changes. Without it, we would move like small children or drunken people, i.e. we would not be able to coordinate our own movement. The vestibular system is a part of one's inner ear, which carefully monitors his or her position in space. Self-esteem It continuously regulates one's view of oneself, namely continuously shapes a complex picture of a person's inner world. The “inner ear” of our self-esteem registers the slightest changes in the environment and self-perception at every moment of our lives, binding and adjusting the image of our “self”. It endlessly evaluates and compares itself with others in order to have a chance to absorb the insufficient, the lack of which stops it from being good. And this very inner ear may be healthy and construct healthy self-esteem, and it may be sick, therefore, significantly distorting the real picture. is a kind of our “inner ear” which helps us navigate ourselves and maintain balance between our self-perception and those who we actually are.

Let us imagine that someone called Olga has high self-esteem, while Kate has it low. We will start with the latter, since it is her who shares the convictions about herself that are so familiar to us. So, Kate's “inner ear” would not hear anything valuable about what she has got inside. It will be impervious to acknowledgment of her virtues and the way people see her. It will ignore Kate's achievements. If she actually succeeded in something and even if it was highly appreciated by the others, her “inner ear” would make out a tiny whisper: “Anyone can do it. You were nobody and remain nobody”. From reality, this “ear” would catch only the signals that unavoidably prove Kate's “badness”, failure, and neglect from other people. It would be sending out signals of rejection, detecting it even in a neutral attitude to Kate. It would be tuned to the frequency of alienation from people and self-discrepancy anywhere she goes. It would evaluate Kate on a negative scale from total unworthiness to medium badness, without entering the positive area. In case Kate managed to make a little step to the area of “self-normality”, her “inner ear” would inevitably establish in which area she is still not good or even inferior. So, no matter how people saw her or how she performed in life, relationships or work, her “inner ear” would perceive a distorted reality in which she remains bad and there is no way for her to change it.

Olga, in this sense, would be more fortunate. Her “inner ear” works properly, as a healthy part of the vestibular system. If there is a risk of falling, our body changes its position in response to the signal of this system. It also works like this with a healthy psyche: in case something that could negatively affect Olga's self-esteem happened, her “inner ear” would be tuned to itself. Thanks to that, Olga would remember her real virtues and expect support from those around her. Olga's reality is not full of hostility and unavoidable rejection. Olga sees things as they are and is ready to “hold on” to this view.

A good vestibular system has numerous nerve endings, which send out signals of the changes in the environment. Similarly, healthy self-esteem registers all that happens internally and externally: it notices both good, adding it to personal value, and bad, trying to correct it, compensate for it, or in extreme cases – displace it. Normal self-esteem helps us correlate real virtues and limitations and also continuously intercommunicate self-image with reality. It means that Olga's inner ear does not only hear “inside itself” but also “outside itself”, continuously comparing her self-esteem with the environment. Therefore, even if her self-esteem is the highest possible, Olga would still have to see and notice how other people perceive her and react to her.

So, what does the functioning of our “inner ear” tuned to maintaining good or bad self-esteem depend on? Why does Olga's “ear” catch positive evaluations and recognition, while no matter how much you praise Kate, she would still be in the “narcissistic negative”?

What matters here is how healthy or sick one's narcissism is. In fact, healthy narcissism also exists, and it is something that provides us with a foundation for positive and stable self-perception.

Why do we need narcissism?

To trust one's mind and to know that one is worthy of happiness is the essence of self-esteem.

Nathaniel Branden²

Inside every person's psyche, there is a part responsible for self-respect and self-perception. As a special repository, it keeps everything that constitutes our self-esteem and helps to maintain it. That is narcissism, which is essential to all of us. Thanks to it, we have a stable self-concept and an understanding of who we are.

But before we actually start to understand anything about ourselves and evaluate our own personality, we need to accumulate enough initial narcissism, which is presented to us by our close ones. We will carry these savings with us as we go through life, gaining more and more information about ourselves. These narcissistic savings accumulate throughout life, enhancing our knowledge of ourselves. It becomes fuller, more diverse, and includes not only our abilities and talents but also our limitations. All that provides us with an opportunity to maintain a realistic view on ourselves and develop healthy self-esteem.

Healthy self-esteem functions the way a piggy bank works: parents invest in us the loving looks, positive reflection, support of our hobbies and talents, recognition of our abilities and pride in our achievements. As they are collected, our “self” becomes more stable and gets healthier. We obtain knowledge about ourselves, our place in this world and relationships with others, our abilities and talents. We develop self-awareness and start relationships with people based on our desires and needs. We can forgive ourselves for the mistakes made and learn lessons from any experience. Thanks to all that, our life potential is growing, and we are enriching ourselves.

However, there is also a reverse side of the coin: the fewer investments we have received, the less healthy narcissism we have gained. Instead of savings, we might have plain deficiency for all what is left of our childhood. All narcissistic disorders are shaped exactly in this area of emptiness and deficiency: it is not limited to not feeling loved or valued. Such people sometimes do not sense themselves at all without constant confirmation of their own value and significance.

Narcissism is not just an area where self-esteem appears, is being maintained and adjusted. It is also an essential psychological need of every person. Thus, it is natural to:

• want attention and positive feedback;

• want to be recognized and respected;

• want a realistic reflection from other people;

• be good for others;

• have merits, success and be proud of them;

• be aware of your talents, abilities, and limitations;

• set short-term and long-term goals for yourself and make plans;

• consider how valuable you are for the others;

• see the value of other people to you;

• continuously increase self-awareness, the understanding of your needs and abilities;

• present your talents and skills to the world;

• enjoy what you have inside and share it with the others.

All of these are natural and normal needs of every person! And as a whole, they are features of healthy narcissism, the inexhaustible source of self-respect and continuous confirmation of self-worth.

However, I am sure you would agree that not all of us are lucky to have such narcissism. On the contrary: almost everyone today is having difficulty fulfilling these needs, some to a greater extent, some – to a lesser. Let us explore various manifestations of narcissism.

The narcissism scale

Imagine a horizontal scale with divisions, numbered -100 to +100. The far-right point will indicate the abovementioned healthy narcissism as a state of narcissistic norm and integrity. I assume that such people exist. That they really have no problems with their self-esteem, self-respect, and self-perception. Stressing the word “really”. Since there is abundance of those who compensate for inferiority claiming that “they're fine” in a purely external manner. Healthy narcissism as a deep normality, as a feeling of dignity accompanied by adequate reliance on one's own achievements and experience is a rare but a factually existing phenomenon.

Picture 1. Narcissism scale

Let us assume that +100 point of the scale is a narcissistic norm and then mentally move left. Imagine: at the far-right point, a person is full of self-worth, significance, able to evaluate their virtues adequately, while as we move left, the richness of narcissistic resources is gradually transformed into emptiness and deficiency. The closer to the left edge of our scale the person is, the lower self-esteem they have, therefore, the stronger the defense, the weaker the feeling of one's value and significance. The deeper the feeling of worthlessness and inferiority, the more they want to suppress and hide it for the sake of preserving themselves.

The -100 point, which is associated with the extreme degree of narcissistic pathology, indicates malignant narcissism. Let us assume that the whole range of such disorders lies between -100 and 0. Such people's narcissism is so wounded that it seriously distorts reality, in which they fight for the right to be absolutely grandiose and independent, magnificent and unique. And since this area is quite pathological, the means they choose for the protection of their humble “self” are far from graceful or appropriate. You must have heard quite a few bloodcurdling stories about narcissistic perverts and psychopaths, psychologically abusing those around them.

And now I will speak to you with the intonation of a tourist guide:

“Look to your right – there are rare lucky people with healthy narcissism. They live, reach their goals, communicate with other people, and can be very happy indeed. And then look to your left and again see a similarly rare category of people: representatives of pathological or malignant narcissism. They can also be quite happy. It is their close ones who are suffering. The narcissists themselves do not care, they just live their lives. And now let us look at the middle of our scale and meet narcissistic 'neurotics'. That is where the majority of us are…”

This area includes combinations of various narcissistic features, qualities, and states. We cannot say that people displaying such qualities have a narcissistic personality disorder. Yet they share common features, which I will be describing in all the subsequent parts of this book.

These people have a lack of healthy narcissism, which hinders self-awareness and fulfillment of their potential. Even a slight deficiency in the sphere of narcissism might recurrently bring us into quite an unpleasant state of self-discrepancy, inferiority, unworthiness, our own “badness” as compared to other people. We may feel extremely anxious about the fact that our life is passing by, but we still do not “measure up” or have not achieved anything. That is how narcissistic neurosis begins, a widely spread phenomenon of today that does not let us live, create, love, and work in peace…

Narcissistic vulnerability

According to the narcissism scale, it is evident that although the majority of us are not extreme narcissists, we are still far from healthy narcissism. It means that all of us regularly enter the area of narcissistic vulnerability, which is associated with our self-esteem falling apart under the pressure of life's problems and failures. None of us is able to live without narcissistic losses. And to recover and once again become good for ourselves, we need time and mental work.

However, there are people (including me) who are especially vulnerable as far as self-esteem and dignity are concerned.

It is typical of us to get filled with shame when we attempt to compare ourselves with the others or in case one of our flaws is revealed.

We are used to cowering when someone is looking at us.

We are constantly criticizing ourselves and are always ready to blame ourselves for any misfortune or failure.

We do not belong to the community of people who we classify as normal.

We are striving to measure up, but we fail.

We are afraid of intimate relationships. We are afraid of rejection.

We are afraid that our feelings will go out of control.

We are afraid to lose control.

We are afraid to lose.

We are afraid…

We are vulnerable but ashamed of it, as we demand from ourselves to be mature in such a way that we would never care about other people.

We want to do everything perfectly but are unable to make a single step, since we are afraid that a failure will ruin our self-esteem, which we piece together every time with such difficulty.

We want to be with people but every time stand aside, feeling inferior and unworthy with every cell of our bodies.

When we are being arrogant, we are actually protecting ourselves from the look of disgust, which we are so afraid to see on other people's faces.

We attack ourselves in response to any blunder or failure to meet the ideal standard that we can find in any of our actions and even thoughts.

We treat ourselves mercilessly and ruthlessly, since otherwise, we might slack off and become “wimps”.

We are striving to be normal and pretend that we do not need anyone.

But it does not work every time.

We are just “fragile” people.

Narcissistic people

So, what does it mean to be a modern narcissist?

A famous psychoanalyst Nancy McWilliams³ believes that “the term 'narcissistic' refers to people whose personalities are organized around maintaining their self-esteem by getting affirmation from outside themselves… In some of us concerns with 'narcissistic supplies,' or supports to self-esteem, eclipse other issues to such an extent that we may be considered excessively self-preoccupied. Terms like 'narcissistic personality' and 'pathological narcissism' apply to the disproportionate degree of self-concern, not to ordinary responsiveness to approval and sensitivity to criticism.”

It means to feel overwhelmingly inferior and inappropriate in everything you do.

It means to drown in constant anxiety about tremendous opportunities around you – and all passing by. Thinking that everyone is able to grow, go up, climb, and only you have nothing but are supposed to have everything, since you are “special”.

It means to be under the illusion that you are able to achieve everything you have ever wanted. In such a way that the results would be unique and magnificent.

It means to constantly compare yourself with the others and always punish yourself for “losing”.

It means to be filled with dismay and boredom all the time.

That is how we go into our own personal “paralysis”: we must be magnificent, but we cannot start doing anything (we are afraid, ashamed, and “what's the point if all is doom and gloom?”), thus, becoming inferior again and again. In brief, instead of endless narcissistic orgasm – sheer impotence…

Narcissists demand grandiosity and fulfillment of the ideal image from themselves due to one very simple reason. They are not aware of any other ways of not feeling inferior. Our mind creates an illusion that it is the only way to escape the unbearable suspicion about how inferior we actually are. But here lies a trap, since it is exactly the way we open the gates of hatred to ourselves. Therefore, our “fragility” is only enhanced. So, how do we actually do it?

Narcissistic ways of treating oneself

Therefore, to be a narcissist is to constantly contempt or even despise one's real self as compared to the ideal image, which is so hard to attain. To suffer from humiliation and the feeling of being inferior, to be afraid of being rejected or unmasked. To run in circles, with a growing number of demands to oneself, while satisfaction and peace are waning…

Narcissists display a variety of ways of abusive self-treatment. We can say that it is the very reason why their self, which is far from stable, is being diminished, while they are running in narcissistic circles of “I must be the best; otherwise I'm a loser”.

We berate our virtues and human qualities; our achievements and the existing results.

We devalue all that we have inside that we could rely on.

We berate our creative energy, destroying with perfectionism all the impulses that hardly ever come out.

We berate certain parts of ourselves, for instance, a dependent, a loving, a gentle, a relaxed, a needy one, etc.

We scold ourselves for still needing someone and wanting to depend on people, although we should have long forgotten about that.

We condemn our future and our aspirations, all the time blocking the way forward…

Instead of normal actions, we carry on demanding from ourselves to live up to unattainable ideals.

Instead of acknowledging our own merits, we habitually look in the direction where we do not measure up to perfect performance.

Instead of living our lives, we are stuck in timelessness. While we are waiting for the ideal life, we are not living our real everyday life.

At the same time, we “understand everything”, since we are gifted with rare rationality and intellect.

But we cannot change anything about these ways of dealing with ourselves.

First of all, since we cannot act any other way rather than attacking and imperiously demanding something from ourselves. And secondly, if we stop doing it to ourselves, our dream of living up to the ideal self will collapse. And we will be overwhelmed with horror of staying inferior forever…

Fragile self-esteem and how we adapt to it

Our generation is terrified of the thought that they might be noticed, and even more terrified of the thought of not being noticed.

Jeffrey Epstein⁴

Let us once again explore what we call narcissistic “fragility”.

It is an unstable self-image, a distorted view on one's abilities, virtues, and talents.

It is a refusal to accept one's limitations and flaws.

It is a constant risk that the pettiest problems or misfortunes could lead to collapse of one's self-esteem.

It is a direct correlation between one's self-respect and the extent to which other people express their admiration and recognition to them.

These are serious fluctuations in the sense of self-worth depending on the extent to which the set goals and plans are fulfilled.

This is an utterly devastating impact that negative feedback or even neutral attitude from the outer world has on self-esteem.

Unworthiness, inferiority, and self-discrepancy – these are the three pillars, or namely three “holes” in the narcissist's psyche. Feeling this way is so unbearable that we are constantly trying to cover, plug, fill, or sate those “holes”. Everything is put to use: work, education, relationships, food, drugs, and other ways of “compensation” or “distraction”. Just to silence this anxiety of self-deficit.

Depending on whether we accept this feeling or not, there are two common narcissistic strategies. Some of us seem not to feel this anxiety and have no distinctive sense of their own unworthiness. On the contrary! They behave as if the world must give them all the best, as if it is perfectly obvious that they have value for themselves and for others. They radiate confidence, and we could even mistake that for healthy narcissism. If not for a small “but”, which might slip a casual observer's attention. On closer examination, it appears that there is no clear and realistic grounds for their high self-esteem, since all it is based on is exclusively a belief that “I am valuable in my own right”. If we ask why this person considers themselves unique and interesting, the answer will contain something very general that is not firmly based on reality. It would be totally unclear what grounds there are for such pride in oneself. Therefore, we can say that we are talking here not about high self-esteem but inadequately exaggerated self-esteem. This is excessive narcissism in action, which grants those who have it with inadequate evaluation of their self-worth in this world.

Usually, teenagers and adults who have not grown out of teenage years “suffer” from this type of narcissism. Looking at them, we see that while they have quite a few ambitions and claims for their uniqueness and absolutely special originality, there are no grounds to confirm their abilities to fulfil any of those. Or there is no understanding that for all this both time and effort are required. Excessive narcissism creates an illusion for the person suffering from it that they will get everything for free and in large amounts, just because they are so unique. As a rule, this type of narcissism is cured naturally as time goes by. Inadequate beliefs in being superior, chosen, unique, and influential often dissolve over the years by themselves. There would still be suffering and anger, but one would shed their illusions of excessive narcissism, staying with quite an adequate image of self and accepting their real abilities and limitations. Those who “get stuck” in such narcissism endure unreasonable arrogance and excessive ambitions. As years go by, it is getting harder and harder to ignore reality, and it is expected that you prove your value for yourself and people around you by real achievements and success in a particular sphere (either family, children or a career in a preferred field). And the main criterion would be the life that satisfies, lets one fulfil their potential in various ways. Therefore, someone attacked by the virus of narcissism is likely to become a grumpy person when they grow old, angry at the whole world and suffering from total injustice. That would be the price they pay for not agreeing to accept their real “size”, staying in a continuous illusion of one's exclusive uniqueness and significance.

On the other hand, the other category of narcissistic personalities is associated with a totally different adaptation approach to their own fragility. Their self-esteem is also inadequate but the “other way round”. It is unreasonably low. We are talking here about deficient narcissism, which instead of providing a feeling of one's significance, deprives a person of self-worth even in spheres where they evidently have it. In contrast to excessive narcissists, they really consider themselves not deserving even the most modest success and see themselves as incapable of anything. Then it turns out that along with that, for some reason, they demand outstanding accomplishments from themselves and are eager to meet the standards of “successful success”. That is their main pain.

Deficient narcissists are entirely unsatisfied with themselves, no matter what they achieve or do. They ignore reality where they actually have certain abilities, opportunities, and talents, and display behavior associated with one's self-worthlessness.

I also call such people hidden or covert narcissists, as it is practically impossible to suspect narcissism in them. Since instead of significance and grandiosity, they exhibit humiliation and reactions of acute shame in response to anything.

They are characterized by the following:

• the sense of one's inferiority and unworthiness;

• high sensitivity and vulnerability;

• high personal standards;

• procrastination and inability to reach goals;

• constant search for approval and recognition;

• proneness to shame;

• envy for other people and self-abasement when comparing oneself with others;

• narcissistic depression due to inability to live up to ideal and perfect images;

• lack of emotion and detachment form one's own life;

• and much more.

It is important to note that there are inner “holes” in both cases. However, excessive narcissists still believe and hope that if they try hard enough, they will conquer the world with their grandiosity. While hidden narcissists are stuck in hopelessness: they feel so unable to recover themselves to the level of a good and a worthy person that there is only one way to act left – linger in shame and hopelessly strive to disguise yourself as a normal person.

“Feeble semblance”

Thus, deficient narcissists are people whose “inner ear” constantly catches the signals confirming their unworthiness and inferiority from reality. Their sense of worth and self-respect is impaired. They are associated with particular types of behavior which demonstrate their insignificance and “defectiveness”. Instead of hiding their vulnerability, say, by seeming grandiose or unapproachable, they intentionally and manifestly undervalue themselves and complain of being undeserving. You would not believe it, but their narcissism is also aimed at maintaining a stable view on themselves. It is only that it does it in a way that seems paradoxical at first glance. As if it does not give one a chance to “get a swollen head”, so as not to be disappointed in oneself later. Thus, it turns out that deficient narcissists' psyche maintains the state of their “dismal worthlessness”, and by doing so protects them from greater damage to their self-esteem.

It may seem that deficient narcissists are all self-belittling whiners and victims who do nothing but sit and grumble about life. That is not true! In the course of my practice, I regularly meet objectively very successful men and women who have achieved a lot and continue breaking through the ceiling. They never sit still, they are constantly occupied, work or receive new education. They earn good money and have pretty good families.

Yet still! All of them have something in common. They are never satisfied with themselves. And not just like “I should've done better, I'll try again tomorrow”. It is a devastating process of blaming oneself for not doing it on time, doing little, badly, worse than the others. For not doing it earlier, better than anybody else, and besides, “everybody can do it”. For not doing it perfectly, ideally or ingeniously. For having required a lot of effort but must have coped with it easily. And so forth…

This book is about those people who are called deficient, hidden, or covert narcissists. About those who instead of being fulfilled and plentiful, feel that they lack something valuable and important. And all their lives are hopelessly trying to recover the good sense of self. This book is FOR those who recognize themselves in this narcissistic deficiency and decide to fill oneself with healthy and adequate worth. The goal is achievable, and a good sense of self is worth working on, isn't it?

Questionnaire for identifying narcissistic deficiency

I am pretty sure that having reached this page you have started to suspect deficient narcissism in yourself. At least, a light form. To provide you with some reference, I have prepared questions which would enable you to check how true your suspicions are.

Just answer “yes” or “no”, without thinking for too long. And believe me: even if you give a positive answer to the majority of questions in this questionnaire, it does not mean that you are a “rabid” narcissist. It is just that the narcissistic sphere of your personality is pretty vulnerable due to the circumstances of your life. We will talk about it in detail further on.

In the meantime, enjoy!

Statements connected with self-esteem

• My self-esteem greatly depends on what is happening in my life at the moment.

• Troubles and misfortunes leave me with a sense of inferiority for a long time.

• I rarely feel worthy and respected.

• I keep doubting my value and worth for the people around me.

• I often feel inappropriate when I contact with people.

• I never measure up to the ideal I set for myself.

• I can't see anything in myself that would make me unique as compared to other people.

• I have no virtues to be proud of.

• I don't know my strengths.

• I don't know what I could be loved, valued or respected for.

• I feel desperate when I think that I am an ordinary person, one of many.

• I often compare myself to the others. Not to my advantage.

• I feel overwhelmed by other people's success. When I compare myself to them, I instantly get absorbed in gloomy worthlessness.

• If I understand that in some way I'm worse than other people, I get overtaken by the feeling of unworthiness.

• I constantly criticize myself and devalue what I've done and achieved.

• I believe that if people discover who I really am, they will get irreversibly disappointed in me.

• When people look at me, I see criticism and judgement more often than benevolence and interest.

• Because of my flaws and the mistakes I've made in life, I'm much worse than the people surrounding me.

• My achievements and success do not convince me that I'm sufficiently competent or professional.

• I often feel like an impostor and I'm afraid that it will become evident to other people.

Statements to do with relationships with other people

• I often notice thinking that I feel better without people, since this way I can avoid the feeling of shame.

• If surrounded by people, I feel that there's something wrong with me.

• I believe that people around me are normal, but I'm sure that I'm not one of them.

• I don't like competition. It is associated with high risk of being worse than someone else.

• I can't imagine someone showing their condescending attitude to my flaws. It would be better for me not to reveal them to anyone under any circumstances.

• If I accept that I have many virtues, I'll have to always strive to live up to them and feel tense in order not to disappoint other people.

• Most of all I'm afraid of depending on other people.

• Asking for help makes me feel humiliated. It would be good if people voluntarily did for me what I needed, since, in turn, I do all I can for them.

• I don't understand why people need a relationship which does not involve mutual benefit.

• My goal is not to need people and cope with everything by myself.

Mental mindsets

• I'm often anxious about not being able to relax, since I have to move on; otherwise I'll always be “nobody”.

• I have to constantly prove to myself that I'm able to do many things in order to feel that there's nothing wrong with me.

• I don't gain satisfaction from achievements and success. After I've climbed another step, I must immediately move forward.

• I definitely cope with my life worse than the people around me.

• Criteria of success in life: beauty, strength, wealth, and power.

• I believe that clever people do not make mistakes.

• I believe that if you try hard, you can manage the events of your life.

• I can't accept the fact that some events happened in my life. I would prefer to have a different life story.

• I think it's humiliating for people to be dependent.

• Affection makes people dependent on each other, and that's dangerous.

• There is no point in pure enjoyment which brings no benefit.

• You shouldn't start something new if you're not perfectly sure of the result.

• If I started doing something, I would ask a perfect performance of myself, even if it wears me out.

Perhaps, having answered the questions, you have got confused: “Narcissism is the last thing I need!” But you are completely wrong. It seems that healthy narcissism, which would provide a stable foundation for your self-esteem, self-respect, and confidence while communicating with people is just what you need. The subsequent parts of the book will take us to the world of narcissistic health and wounds of this sphere. But before that… Just a few more words in defense of narcissists.

A crown as protection against vulnerability

When I was thinking of writing a book on narcissists, I feared that, like many other works on that subject, it would be filled with denouncing and condemning intonation. I really wish more and more people would see the inner world of narcissists, feel how it is to live with such type of character. What is more, my aim is to help people who recognize themselves in the questionnaire to better adapt to life and adjust to living with their special features. I seriously believe that narcissism is not worse (and not better) than other personality organizations. It is just that our means of protecting our most fragile area are different.

I believe you would agree that all people protect their fragility using different means. Those who have a schizoid type personality hide from people, going further away so as not to be seen and offended. Representatives of the histrionic personality type seduce in order to provide themselves with a relationship in which they will be loved. A masochist pretends to be weak and is able to not only feel safe by doing so but also enjoy it. A narcissist has laid a wager on protecting their fragile self-esteem. And for this purpose, they needed “a crown”. Well, yes! When it is so empty and turbulent inside, one might decide to inflate a bubble of importance and grandiosity on the outside and pay no attention to people.

Every one of us wants to be good for ourselves and others. Everyone wants to be liked and loved by other people. Each of us has a core inside, around which our personal kingdom of value and significance is shaped. It does not appear by itself but blooms like a garden when it is being well looked after. A person's “self” is born in conditions of attachment to close ones, dependence on adults, care and love from the dearest people. If a child is not loved, forced to grow up faster and not emotionally nurtured, of course, they will grow up physically. But they will always adapt to such attitude, acquiring particular qualities of the character… Narcissists are those who did not receive a chance to feel themselves valued and significant. They were so heavily and so early wounded in the fields of love and affection that they were forced to eliminate these very desires in themselves. Since then, they live like that: with great, sometimes even grandiose external ambitions and claims to be significant, while at the same time staying very fragile inside. And it is not about weakness or special inability to adapt to life. It is just because they grew up too early in the conditions of insufficient resources.

Ever since, they are bound to live:

• without sufficient inner supports;

• without clear understanding who they are and what they are like;

• without relying on attachment and dependence on people.

At the same time, they demand from themselves to bravely, wisely and maturely cope with their life on their own. But the truth is that they are objectively not ready for such deeds, since deep inside they remain underloved and ungrown small children. Yet still, they demand Aristotle's wisdom, Kutuzov's bravery, and Napoleon's cheek from themselves. They demand power from themselves so as not to see themselves powerless again. Just like back then, in their childhood…

We are used to seeing monsters in narcissists. But deep inside, behind the protective carapace… “their souls are bleeding silently. They have suffered such collapses of 'self' that their suffering itself has collapsed. They emerge from them in psychic paralysis. They have nearly perished. Nevertheless, they are alive. Alive, but not for real; you can feel they are not of this world. They come to us covered by a protective cloak and a multitude of psychotic disorders, sometimes the other way round – in 'self' without skin, only having what to say about how unlucky they are to live, and, thus, even more touching. Sometimes they appear cowered within themselves, as if ashamed of their own suffering. Moreover, they know nothing about it, so dark and elusive it remains. We could think that most of all they are afraid of facing the bottomless abyss or losing a treasure so carefully protected that it has become almost inaccessible to them. They come to us almost without any hope. We meet them, sensing a shade of dark anxiety. It is true that it is hard to walk beside those who have survived. Will we be able to change anything in our psychoanalytic understanding in order to fully accept them?” – that is what a famous French psychoanalyst P.C. Racamier wrote in his book Suffering and Surviving in Paradoxes.

Further on, we will try to touch upon experience, reality, and the feelings of narcissists. In order to understand that narcissism is not just a diagnose, it is also a wide range of human feelings, including pain, sadness, and anxiety.

The essence of narcissism to a first approximation

In its deepest essence, narcissism is a defense against love and wounds inflicted by unrequited love. A child faced with the absence of love or having got the illusion of not being loved by his parents, makes himself stop loving and stop wanting love. He forces himself to stop having affection towards those who, according to him, do not love him. It resembles ruthlessly drying a river, which flowed freely and now has to stop…

What does a narcissist replace their need for love with? The desire for admiration and praise. That is why when I hear “I do everything to be noticed, valued, and praised”, I am looking for traces of love. To be more exact, I feel that having lost the hope for love, a person has decided to go for an imitation: “Screw it! At least, give me admiration! That's how I'll get normality back!” A fake carrot, but people rush at it, sometimes laying their whole lives on the altar of achievements…

People almost believe in the illusion that they have not received praise and admiration from their parents. In fact, a sorrowful loss of love is very likely there. And it is covered by a much more understandable need, which allows one to stay beyond this inner pain inflicted by the absence of love… “I'm looking for admiration” means almost “I'm trying not to remember the time when I forbade myself to love. When I chose not to want to be loved, because it's hopeless. I want to forget that I want love… But I can't… Give me at least admiration …”

Oddly enough, all this drama was described almost two thousand years ago in the initial myth about Narcissus, who was not selfish or cruel at all. Let us remember all the details of his birth and development. And then it would be clearer how exactly adult narcissism appears.

Part 1. How children turn into narcissists

But before I start telling you about this serious psychic phenomenon illustrated by the most ancient narcissist on Earth, I would like you to meet the main heroine of this book.

Meet Little Narcissette!

I “invented” her completely unintentionally, when I felt the need to show narcissism in a way that was different from how people were used to seeing it. Once I was reading my Facebook feed and came across arguments on feminine gender-specific nouns – regular words made into a feminine form. And just for fun I wrote a couple of my first stories about Little Narcissette.

Once Little Narcissette decided to become an instructress. She modestly asked her friends for advice.

“No one would do it better than you,” confirmed they reasonably.

Quite so: Little Narcissette gave a kick in the pants without excessive reflection and pity for other people's limitations.

Once Little Narcissette decided to become a bloggerine. And quickly became quite a popular expertrix on women's happiness. Since she managed to connect one's private life to the extent to which butts are pumped up so well that nobody could say anything against this type of logic.

Once Little Narcissette decided to become an authorine. She had an ingenious idea of having her own column in a magazine. But it turned out that she couldn't bring it to life as ingeniously as she had decided to. So, she didn't even write a line.

As a result, Little Narcissette didn't become an authorine. But she received a new impetus to painfully kick herself.

Once Little Narcissette decided to become a photographeress. She bought the best equipment possible and completed an expensive course. But she decided not to offer her services.

First of all, she couldn't impose herself. Secondly, she definitely needed to study more. Complete 5–6 refresher courses. Otherwise, she could screw up.

These stories appeared to be quite topical! There was a large amount of material on narcissism collected, but I had no idea how to present it to the reader in an interesting way. For some reason, the publishing house rejected my formal scientific texts which resembled a PhD candidate's thesis.

“Listen, Julia,” the editor persuaded me gently, “our readers are interested in narcissism but definitely not to the extent that requires using a scientific dictionary”.

So, Little Narcissette came on time to relieve my tired brain of throes of creativity. She would help me to introduce the inner world of narcissists and their typical behavior to you.

Little Narcissette is a diverse image that incorporates feelings and manifestations of deficient narcissists. In fact, inside, they often feel like “lesser” human beings. It does not depend on gender or age. On the whole, men and women suffer their deficiency in the same way. But here Little Narcissette will be our guide, whom we will observe both in her childhood and as an adult.

Chapter 1. Myth about Narcissus

At the very beginning of our era, poet Ovid wrote down his version of the myth about a handsome young man named Narcissus. Although it is evident that narcissists existed before him. Take, for instance, Herostratus, who burnt the Temple of Artemis in order to become famous. Does he not resemble a real narcissist, heading to glory regardless of everything? But the myth is not about that. Since Narcissus did not kill anyone and did not burn anything. Nor he wanted fame or splendor. His story displays the real phenomenon of narcissism, its essence; it is not just about one young man falling in love with himself and dying because of that. Reading the myth, we can understand how unhealthy narcissism appears in the psyche and what it actually is. Then we understand the following: not all narcissists are similarly awful. And that a real tragedy unwinds inside them, the one which few of us can imagine. And that “wounded” narcissism is a real “curse”, a mental and psychic wound causing agonizing pain. It is a series of losses and deprivations, which end up awfully for narcissists: they lose the ability to have deep human relationships, since they are unable to get attached to people, depend on them or love them.

I decided to correct this saddening injustice and take a look into narcissism with you. Since its reverse side is no less interesting than what is usually written about it. Usually, mythological Narcissus is presented as a fully-grown young man who had been roaming the world, throwing arrogant glances, and then nymph Echo fell in love with him, but he did not love her back and was doomed to fall in love with his own reflection. Then he died. To my mind, this interpretation of the myth does not facilitate understanding of the essence of narcissism whatsoever. As a result, it leads to the notorious superficial perception of narcissists as self-absorbed people who are stuck in their own greatness and self-esteem which does not reflect reality, in vanity. That is an overly simplistic understanding of narcissism. The real drama of Narcissus and narcissists is more like horror, far scarier than Steven King's plots.

Ominous events played a crucial role in the development of Narcissus even before his birth. Nymph Leiriope was raped by the river-god Chepissus. As a result, she gave birth to a boy and named him Narcissus. He was good-looking and could have had a great future. If not for several “buts” …

Narcissus was destined to become a narcissist and serve as an illustration of this phenomenon. It was predetermined by five fateful factors.

The first one: events of his birth and relationships with his mother. The unloved, born as a result of a rape, he almost had no chance to see Leiriope's eyes shining with joy. The devastated mother had no resources for that. Neither for admiring him, nor for feeling proud of what a boy she gave birth to. Little Narcissus had no opportunity to reflect in his mother's joyful eyes. Narcissus was an unwanted and unexpected baby, nobody expected anything of him and nobody devoted him attention. It is already evident at this point what his initial pain, having predetermined his narcissism, lies in.

The second unlucky event is connected with the oracle Tiresias's prophecy that Narcissus would live a long life unless he ever sees his own reflection. No matter how unmotherly the raped nymph was, of course, she did not want her child to die. So, logically she removed all mirrors from his reach. Thus, Narcissus was deprived of a chance to be reflected in any place or in any thing. So, at first, he did not quite reflect in his mother's eyes, and then was completely deprived of a chance to find out what he was like and who he was. No matter how hard he looked for a reflection in order to find out who he was, nothing worked. No matter how passionately he wanted to know what he was like, he had no opportunity to do so. This deficit of emotional investments and reflections made his self-image “empty” and poor.

And then for the third unlucky event. Nymph Echo fell in love with him, the one, as you know, who cannot say anything by herself but just repeats the last words said by someone. Upon their meeting Narcissus said: “Who's there?” And she replied: “There.” “Come here, let's be friends,” said Narcissus. “Friends,” said Echo. All she can do is repeat, not bringing up anything of her own. So, again, Narcissus is hopeless. There is no way he can get what he is looking for in any contact: knowledge on himself, his own reflection in other people's eyes and words.

In any case, Narcissus rejected Echo, and Afrodite put a curse on him because of the nymph's broken heart. That is the fourth factor, which almost irreversibly turned his trauma into character pathology. Before, there was only deficit, which Narcissus was trying to fill. But the Afrodite's curse made him suffer, roam in search of love, which was destined to be unrequited. As a result of that, he later died.

The fifth and the last fateful event which led to his death occurred when once, in spring, while hunting, Narcissus came to a stream and wanted to drink. This episode is vividly described by a practicing psychotherapist and psychiatrist, Jeremy Holmes: “Once, dying of thirst after hunting, Narcissus finds a clear stream and bends to it to drink:

 
There as he stooped to quench his thirst another thirst increased.
While he is drinking he beholds himself reflected in the mirrored pool – and loves; loves an imagined body which contains
no substance, for he deems the mirrored shade a thing of life to love.
He cannot move, for so he marvels at himself…
 

He madly falls in love with his own reflection. And the more he desires to embrace and kiss himself, the more he is frustrated and lovelorn. He laments his fate. Forever separated from his love object, he is suffering from the feelings of loss and sorrow for the first time. And finally, he recognizes himself:

 
'Tis I in thee – I love myself – the flame arises in my breast and burns my heart – what shall I do?
Shall I at once implore? Or should I linger till my love is sought?
What is it I implore? The thing that I desire is mine – abundance makes me poor.
Oh, I am tortured by a strange desire
unknown to me before, for I would fain put off this mortal form;
which only means I wish the object of my love away…'⁵
 

All his life, Narcissus was deprived of a chance to enjoy being himself, possessing the richness of his own personality, which he knew nothing about. His inner beauty remained unexplored, unrecognized. Having lost the hope of being reflected in someone alive, he acquires the illusion of recognizing himself in the dead surface of the lake. So, he is gazing at the stream, wishing he could absorb everything that the one in the reflection is endowed with. He wants to merge with this image in order to become himself. He himself became the one who his lovely image depends on.

Chapter 2. Narcissus's drama

His mother's attitude left Narcissus empty. She could give him nothing and could fill him with nothing. And that would forever predetermine his future life, when he will not be able to take anything from people, remaining “empty” inside. Absence of mirrors will not let him be reflected in anything and understand what he is like. And he will get addicted to this search. He will be looking for someone who would tell him: “You exist. You are normal and worthy”. Again and again, Narcissus will be looking for his own reflection, at times losing hope, at times chasing an ephemeral illusion. A nymph without her own voice will not give him a chance to find out anything new about himself. In this context, Narcissus will not be able to manifest himself for someone else, reflect in them, and become someone for himself. The Afrodite's curse will put an end to his ability of mutual relationships with people. It will make him incapable of deep relationships in general and love in particular. His fixation with his own image will lead to eternal loneliness.

This myth illustrates the essence of narcissism. No matter whether we are talking about the ancient Narcissus or modern narcissists surrounding us. Their crisis always begins in the same way, and its manifestations are exactly alike. A typical narcissist of our time will behave in the same way the myth's hero did.

They will be tirelessly looking for someone else's gaze in order to confirm who they are and what they are like. Trying to fill the deficit of one's self-perception with other people's assessments and opinions. Constantly feeling the emptiness inside, filling it with achievements and fuss, just to sense a hint of being alive and worthy.

They will depend on the reflection from other people but will never admit it. Otherwise, they will have to contact with their childhood pain of being unworthy and abandoned.

Narcissists find no enjoyment in constant thinking about themselves. It is a forced, endless, and desperate search for oneself. The feeling of inner emptiness that is aroused from the lack of reflection makes them constantly feel anxious about being inferior. So, all that narcissists do is not about enjoying their beauty and virtues. It is about suffering, being forced to concentrate on finding out anything about yourself based on how other people see you.

Narcissists are far from being self-centered, since they have nothing to love about themselves. We can say that they are focused on the endless search of something that they could love themselves for. Their contacts with people and things they do to impress are just means of receiving response confirming that they have something inside, except for the emptiness that they feel. The narcissist needs all the people around them to identify what they have inside.

The myth itself outlines how deficient narcissists are shaped. Their predecessor had been through it all and became the prototype for all the people with narcissistic fragility.

That is how we can describe the set of relevant circumstances:

• the closest people treat them coldly, almost neglecting them;

• people around them do not “reflect” them and provide them with no opportunity to see themselves the way they are;

• they no longer hope to receive any adequate feedback;

• they are incapable of loving and needing people.

These are the very circumstances that can lay the foundation for a person to be doomed to feel inappropriate or inferior in the future, forever trying to plug the hole of their narcissistic deficiency.

However, each of us is born perfect and grandiose… a narcissist! And something must happen for this grandiosity to grow into inferiority. In particular, for the baby's superiority and the natural command over the world to shrink to complete insignificance.

Narcissism is the “trauma of unlove”

Even in mythology and fairy tales, heroines do not get perfectly ideal, empathic mothers. They are also unlucky in this or that way. For instance, Leiriope did not choose to be raped and then suffer from this. With a life like that, she really had no opportunity to emotionally invest in little Narcissus.

So, what can we expect from reality where all of us have various moms who simply live their lives, including that of a mother, the way they can? Our mothers may be busy with their lives, other children, dependent or sick members of the family. They might be rejecting, passive, overly infantile, unsafe. They may be concentrated solely on functional care, totally ignoring emotional needs of a child. They might be rough or even cruel, demanding, devaluing, criticizing, aggressive, hostile, not allowing anything. Finally, they just might leave. Go away. Leave a child with grandmothers or babysitters for a long time.

All these types of parents are impossible to safely get attached to. They are unsafe to love. Being close to them, you have to stop needing their support, care, attention, and understanding. As a result, faced with indifference or the abovementioned qualities of parents, children “suspend” all their normal and natural needs. They forbid themselves to:

• need,

• depend,

• complain,

• want help,

• feel weak,

• feel their right for support,

• want warm feelings,

• sincerely get interested in others and ask questions about them;

• be able to admire oneself and share the joy of it with the others;

• admire other people who can do something better;

• and much more that children do so easily…

Children make themselves not want, not expect, and not hope. But how not to feel as well? And not to lose one's worth in the process? There is only one answer. In this case, a child resorts to narcissistic defenses, the essence of which is not to want care, love, or attention from your close ones, to feel yourself independent of your needs for all this. And become big in your eyes, become an adult, not needing other people and successfully dealing with complicated problems.

It means that a narcissist is someone who “has done away with” their normal needs as far as relationships with their close ones are concerned and forced themselves to believe that they are bigger than that.

If I cannot get love or acceptance, I will not need it at all. And that is my power: to eliminate the significance of the other in a relationship or destroy the relationship itself. As one acknowledges his or her powerlessness, the desire to not need another person grows. I am telling myself: accept that they do not need you. Stop needing those who are so important to you! In order not to want this connection and valuable attachment, I secure a victory over my desire for it. I become the winner, eliminating the very need. I do away with my love by myself for the sake of not admitting the grief of not having been loved the way I wanted to be and at not being able to stop wanting it…

A child's love to their parents is innate, it does not depend on what they are like. Later, when deprivation and rejection reach his or her consciousness and become real, for some time, they continue to believe that their love would be enough to take the spell off their parents. When the sense of being invisible and unneeded reaches a critical level, they forbid themselves to love. With all what it implies. Forbid themselves to need and depend on parents' love. Of course, not consciously. It is always an unconscious decision, which immerses one's soul in ice. It may be compared to the Snow Queen's kiss, embracing little Kai's heart with ice.

A child does something to his or her love to parents, so that it is not so painful to feel rejection and neglect. In its very essence, narcissism is the defense against love and wounds inflicted by unrequited love of a parent to a child.

Uselessness and emotional deprivation

When Little Narcissette was just a little girl, Mom would always say: “Nobody needs you”.

And when Narcissette grew up, she appeared not to need anybody. This way it was not so unbearably painful.

Once there lived Little Narcissette.

And her mom was very unstable. One day she cared and loved her to death, the other – forgot about her and got cold. And there was no way to adapt to it. Since no matter how hard she tried, Narcissette could not understand the reasons for such Mom's attitude to her.

So, she stopped trying. She went to her room. To maybe not ever return.

Once there lived Little Narcissette.

When she wanted something from her parents, they would always either be angry, or busy, or give her not what she wanted or at the wrong moment. And she herself always turned up at the wrong moment. Then Narcissette made up her mind and stopped wanting anything from people. Then she tried a little harder and stopped wanting anything at all. Just in case.

But it was hard. She had to get down with depression.

Once there lived Little Narcissette.

She had Mom and Dad who would always make jokes and mock her. And that was very painful. But what was even more painful is that it didn't stop being painful. Although Narcissette tried very hard not to care at all.

And when Narcissette grew up, she kept repeating in her mind: “I feel no pain”. But for some reason, she kept running away like hell from close relationships.

There is no greater narcissistic trauma than being unwanted by one's parent, either through direct rejection or by means of ignoring the child's underlying needs. Knowing that you were unwanted by your own mother or father. That for some reason they were not interested in you. That they could not give you what you were entitled to have as a child. It is a major blow to self-esteem. Something that crashes it at the very start. Unwanted, unimportant, unworthy – that is how you start seeing yourself. Sometimes, it is hidden deep inside a person and sometimes written in large letters all over their face and is evident to everyone.

Only later you will find explanation and justification for all that. Only then will you decide that you have already dealt with everything and fully explored the issue. It is later that you will attend personal growth trainings to become stronger in order not to need anybody to an even greater extent. It is then that you will enter psychotherapy and will attack yourself there: since it turns out that there is still pain somewhere deep inside. And will hate yourself for that, trying to increase the dose of anesthetic in your heart. You would give away everything not to look in the eye of this small child who had suffered a crushing defeat at a young age. And you give it all away, including your life, which cannot even start.

Psychologically immature parents

Once there lived Little Narcissette.

When she cried, was sad, laughed a lot, or just wanted to discuss something with her parents, they would always say that she was “way too complicated”. And then Narcissette grew up. In order not to be complicated, she had settled with herself to have just a couple of emotions. So, she let herself smile or make a slightly sad face. As a result, she became a little lifeless. But could be sure that she was very simple for other people.

Once there lived Little Narcissette.

And when someone offended her, for some reason, her parents wouldn't protect her but would send her to deal with it on her own.

Narcissette has learned to protect herself. But, for some reason, has stopped trusting her close ones.

Lindsay C. Gibson, a psychologist with almost 40 years of experience, provides a detailed analysis of the phenomenon of immature parents and its consequences for the psyche of children in her excellent book – Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. As the name suggests, Lindsay Gibson particularly focuses on emotional immaturity.

I would argue that narcissists are brought up by infantile, undeveloped parents who might be generally immature as far as their psyche is concerned. Immature in terms of the following:

• intellect;

• willpower;

• emotions;

• morality.

Therefore, our parents might be fully grown in terms of age and even quite socially adapted. At the same time being insufficiently prepared to solve the problems of adult life. Their behavior models, methods of building relationships, reactions, judgements, convictions, etc. better resemble those of small children, not of adult people.

Let us not idealize maturity and adulthood. We are not so successful in this area ourselves. And our parents were not supposed to be ideal and one hundred per cent ready to bring up children. Let us simply admit that they might have such features. It is neither good nor bad. Things happen, and it is just a fact that we need to accept and explore what consequences such features of personal immaturity can have on children.

Having been brought up by psychologically immature parents, a child pays the price by having the following:

• problems with self-esteem;

• doubts about one's own adequacy;

• detachment from one's own feelings;

• the ability to ignore one's needs;

• the feeling of utter indescribable loneliness

• and a lowered ability to have emotional connection with people.

My clients who grew up in the atmosphere of loneliness, detachment, neglect of emotional needs and so on very often get surprised when they find out that:

• someone in this world is interested in them;

• they can ask someone for help or support;

• if something bad happens in their relationships with people, it does not necessarily mean that there is something wrong with them;

• others may be interested in preserving and recovering relationships with them;

• and what requires special attention: that other people in relationships with them also have to do emotional work.

“Emotional labor is the expenditure of time, effort, and energy … to understand and fulfill emotional needs. By emotional needs, I mean the human needs for feeling wanted, appreciated, loved, and cared for. Individuals' emotional needs are often unspoken or unknown/unconscious … aiming to produce the specific feelings of being wanted, appreciated, loved, and/or cared for.” Harriet Fraad⁶

It turns out that it is called emotional labor. And the fact that another person shows me that I am loved, important, valued by means of their care and understanding is my natural and legitimate need. How could I have not known it? Why was this option not activated in me? Unfortunately, I am not the only one. People often do not even think that their need to feel love and care from others is natural and normal, regardless of their age. Their psyche sometimes does not even have a memory of an adult close by doing emotional work. And then it seems that having all these essential human needs is infantile, pointless, and naïve. But it is not so…

A narcissist's psyche is shaped in the conditions when close ones do not perform such labor in relation to their own child. Adult psyche of parents does not work emotionally in relation to children: their impulses, affects, and attractions do not find understanding, acceptance, and mature emotional treatment. A child remains alone, faced with all these waves of emotions, not just trying to cope with them but to “defeat” what, firstly, makes them feel uncomfortable, and secondly, does not receive the essential attention from the people around them.

Narcissists are shaped out of children who have defeated their own attractions to close ones, as well as their emotions, having taken them under control.

Emotional exploitation of a child

Once there lived Little Narcissette.

When she was little, Mom was either struggling with her alcoholic Dad or pulling her sick grandma out of the jaws of death. In the evening, Mom would sit Narcissette on a chair in front of her and tell her how hard it was to live with her “damned father”, and that only dear daughter could understand her and feel sorry for her.

And Narcissette felt sorry for Mom. But she herself had no one to complain to or share anything about her childhood life with.

And when she grew up, she even forgot how to cry. Since it was completely pointless.

If there is psychological immaturity or parents' infantilism in a family system, emotional use of children by their parents is also not far behind. The absence of sound and mature supports, which would allow adults to cope with their lives, often make them ask help from those who are far from suitable for it – their children. Stephanie Donaldson-Pressman and Robert M. Pressman provide a brilliant illustration of this phenomenon in their book The Narcissistic Family: Diagnosis and Treatment. They write the following: “In a narcissistic system of family relationships, the scheme of fulfilling emotional needs is turned upside down: if in a healthy family, parents try to fulfil emotional needs of their children, in a narcissistic family, children become responsible for fulfilling their parents' emotional needs”.

Reality is distorted and children acquire a conviction that they have to:

• feel sorry;

• rescue;

• support a parent;

• solve their problems;

• constantly monitor their parents' emotional state;

• focus on parents' needs rather than their own, etc.

This “overload” makes a child grow up early and “improperly” and might activate their narcissistic defenses. From now on, they forbid themselves to feel powerless, not cope with anything, have no control over their relationships. They may not allow themselves to relax, be weak, silly, confused and so on…

Unsafe dependence on adults

Little Narcissette's Dad really liked Nietzsche.

Perhaps, that's why whenever appropriate, he would repeat: “What does not kill me makes me stronger.” Along with that, he did something painful or offensive. And he didn't respond when Narcissette asked him for help. Or he would make her deal with something she was not yet capable of and was very afraid of.

On the whole, trained her willpower and other powers. By the method of Nietzsche.

Narcissette actually did not get killed. And became very strong. But on her way, she completely forgot that she was born just a girl.

Once there lived Little Narcissette.

As a small child, she was used to coping with everything and not complaining about how hard it was.

And then Narcissette grew up and would sincerely not understand why she needed other people. If you can do everything by yourself. And there is no need to waste time worrying about it being hard.

Only sometimes her back started letting her down. And even that didn't change anything.

In order to grow up physically and psychologically, a child requires external resources. At least help, support, attention, and care.

As a child, a future narcissist has no relationships where they could safely feel dependent. That means that such a child is bound to understand and come to terms with the following: there is no support and there is no point in expecting it from the people around. They strive to cope with themselves, the others, and the world without sufficient resources. They are simply forced to do it. And this is a real tragedy of a narcissist: they have nothing to rely on inside, but they are holding the world on their shoulders, “for the sake of humanity”. They really seem not to need help, support, or understanding. They have no such option inside. They bring themselves up, forever holding on to the following: if I want to move forward and cope with things, I must do it by myself without relying on others.

According to Harry Guntrip, an English psychoanalyst, “an abandoned or traumatized child must feel that in an unfriendly, threatening world, it is very dangerous to remain weak… And if you cannot change the world, you can attempt to change yourself. Thus, a child becomes afraid and starts hating their own weaknesses and needs; now rejecting their immaturity, they are faced with a goal of growing up”.

Future narcissists – children who were not allowed to be small. It means that their children qualities were not accepted by their parents. Such children are usually not allowed to cry, behave in a naughty way, be awkward or clumsy. They are expected to naturally be able to control themselves, be strong and make quick decisions. They are scolded for all manifestations of their childishness or even shamed, thus being driven to their own shame for not managing to do things the way adults do.

“Healing fantasy” of narcissists

Once there lived Little Narcissette.

Her Mom had to work hard, and there was no one to babysit. So, Mom decided to send Narcissette to the village to her Grandma, who neither had time for the little girl. Garden, cows, and hens… Grandma would put Narcissette behind a small fence for the day, so that she doesn't get in the way.

When Narcissette grew up, of course, she left the village, completed two programs at university and even went to work. But for some reason, neither two degrees with distinction, nor well-deserved success at work helped her become somebody for herself. Looking into people's eyes, she was still unable to believe that someone could ever be interested in her.

In the abovementioned book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents Lindsay C. Gibson tells us that the children who are brought up by parents depriving them of love, belonging, and dependence share one common quality: “Children have different ways of reacting to emotionally immature parenting, either trying to attract attention, receive care, or improve relationships. But all children growing up in the conditions of emotional deprivation have something in common: they develop fantasies about how they will eventually get what they need”.

The author calls them healing fantasies. They consist of expectations and hopes concerning the conditions in which it would be possible to receive parents' love and fulfil one's needs. My clients often share such fantasies with me: “If I could behave the necessary way (better explain, try harder, work on myself, heal myself…), I would be able to make our relationship better (make mom happy, receive her love, support, take the spell off her, etc.). And it seems that narcissists are somehow special in this relation. Looking deeper, we can understand that once their hope for love fell into a coma or a lethargic dream. Anyway – they became oblivious of it. It means that it is so unconscious that you cannot get through to it. Their healing fantasy works according to the following principle: “If I could, I would do without your love at all”. Or “If I succeeded, you all would love me, and I wouldn't be dependent on you in that way”.

This healing fantasy has an obverse and a reverse side. It seems that on the obverse side a narcissist sees “I would become better than anyone and prove it to all of you, and you all will love me (admire, accept, be proud of…)”. But deep inside, so deep that we cannot be sure that it is there, a tiny voice of the most essential need says: “If you have lots of love for me, then maybe you will be able to take the spell off me… but I do not need it”. And it goes around in circles, again and again…

Narcissistic hunger

Once there lived Little Narcissette.

She was a healthy and active girl. But Mom worked hard and couldn't cope with endless questions and frantic activity of her daughter.

So, very soon, Narcissette learnt how to stop and control herself in every situation.

Then she grew up. But by that time, she'd already stopped feeling alive.

Once there lived Little Narcissette.

She was sent to the nursery at about six months of age. She kept being ill there and once even almost died because of some common complication.

When she was four, her mom gave up and made her stay home all alone for the whole day. She prepared sandwiches for herself and played all day long in her room. Nobody paid attention to that. And soon she would be mentioned only as a good and a grown-up girl who is totally fine on her own.

Our healthy narcissism and, therefore, normal psyche are shaped with the help of narcissistic investments. I understand that the words “savings” and “investments” are better associated with economy rather than psychology, but there is simply no other way of naming these phenomena.

Thus, at the initial stage, a mother makes factual investments in the child's psyche. We all know the little things that constitute them:

• warm hands rocking a baby;

• a mother's affectionate gaze directed at the child;

• care about the child's comfort and joy;

• facial expressions showing mom's emotions in relationship with her child;

• all the support – by words, looks, and actions directed at the child, starting from the moment when they begin exploring the world;

• words of admiration for the child and the joy that he is like he is/she is like she is, not like someone else;

• and much more.

Overall, the whole amount of the mother's emotional investments, which serve as a signal for the child that they are valued and significant to another person.

Under these conditions, our normal human “self” becomes good and valuable for us. Being the object of someone else's care, love, and attention, we acquire the sense of self, of our own abilities and limitations. If none of that happens to us, our “narcissistic piggy bank” is not filled, and our heart is not fed by value, and we enter the world “hungry”. Our narcissistic hunger makes us constantly look for the confirmation of our value, significance, and even grandiosity, since it becomes hardly possible to sate ourselves with a simple human reaction to us. A deficient narcissist requires plenty of one's own grandiose deeds and ingenious projects to be able to calm down and relax. In response to all that, they expect incredible initiative from those around them, who are to notice, appreciate, and admire what a narcissist has done and achieved.

They are insatiable. They stay forever hungry. In the endless search of the means to sate this hunger… Such character is shaped around narcissistic hunger, when you either have never been the object of somebody else's attention, love, and care, or you had to pay too much for that.

It appears around the “unhappened events”.

If mom's happy eyes did not follow you in your first footsteps and even your success on a potty.

If dad's eyes did not shine with pride for your achievements at the nursery, school, and after-school clubs.

If you survived the hard times of your life on your own without involvement, consolation, and support.

If everyone pretended that nothing had happened, but you did not know whether to weep or furiously attack everyone.

A “hole” in the reflection

Once there lived Little Narcissette.

When she was little, Mom was always busy either with her younger sister, or alcoholic Dad, or her sick grandma. Mom couldn't find time for Little Narcissette, who was a healthy normal girl.

When Narcissette grew up, she couldn't decide what she wanted and what she didn't want, where it began and where it ended. On the whole, she was quite unsure whether everything was fine with her…

Once there lived Little Narcissette.

For some reason, Mom really liked to shame her. With or without reason.

Perhaps, she was suffering from some shame of her own.

Then Narcissette grew up and had no place to hide from her own inner shaming look. Which found her everywhere, with or without reason.

Once there lived Little Narcissette.

As a child, she was very pretty.

But Mom was anxious about her daughter's future and criticized her all the time, just in case. Either her nose was big, like her grandmother's, or her legs were fat, just like her granddad's.

So, when Narcissette grew up, in spite of being a beautiful woman, she would shy away from compliments and attention. She didn't like looking in the mirror or being photographed.

Then suddenly she grew old. One evening, Narcissette took out photos of her younger self. And bitterly cried.

 
We want to be loved;
failing that, admired;
failing that, feared;
failing that, hated and despised.
At all costs we want to stir up
some sort of feeling in others.
Our soul abhors vacuum.
At all costs it longs for contact.
 

Hjalmar Söderberg, a Swedish poet

Under normal conditions, a mother would respond to her child with her eyes and her body. In her eyes, we begin our existence for ourselves with “my honey” and “my sunshine”. We assign ourselves to ourselves, reflecting in the mirror of our mother's psyche. And then our baby's “self” starts to get filled with narcissistic investments: response, emotional involvement, reflection. A mother serves as the very mirror that was lost for Narcissus. Through the reflection in the psyche of a mother, a father, and other significant people, our self-esteem, self-perception, and self-worth are shaped. This is a natural and the only way for the psyche – a mirror stage, without which Narcissus was left, having lost the chance to become somebody for himself. This is the narcissist's drama – a hole in the reflection, which he is striving to fill, fundamentally not having such an opportunity. He can forever sit and look at his reflection and even have the beloved nymph Echo by his side, who would again and again repeat how handsome he is. But that would by no means fill the piggy bank of the “sufficiently good” inner image of the narcissist…

He will be doomed to come to any stream, where there is hope to see himself. But he will treat himself in quite an extraordinary way. Devalue and not believe, attack and destroy, run away or stay around without any feelings, any hope for a contact. Narcissistic defenses hide all the narcissist's pain. On the whole, he himself is invisible to his mother and desperately needs to be reflected in her. At the same time, in his wildest dreams, he would not admit that he needs this reflection, dependence on the other. And so, he sits alone on the bank, trying to make something out in the empty surface of the lake…

Unrealistic demands

Little Narcissette desired love so much. But Mom could only love in the form of anxiety or warning. So, Narcissette decided: “Never mind! I want at least praise and recognition!”

As you can guess, she failed to get that as well. Mom simply refused to see Little Narcissette and reflect her success.

Since then, Narcissette has grown up and stopped wanting love.

But she is still roaming the world in search of praise and recognition.

Once there lived Little Narcissette.

Her parents demanded a lot from her. She was supposed to be good at sport, study well, be an A-student at school. Of course, along with school competitions.

And when Narcissette grew up, she began to demand a lot from herself and simply couldn't leave herself alone.

But that was not the reason of her tiredness. She was worn-out by not being able to stop constantly demanding a lot from herself.

Once there lived Little Narcissette.

She had Mom who really had a hard life. And now a little daughter was getting in the way.

But Mom was smart. And in order to reduce her anxiety about Narcissette, she would scare and scold her. With a reason or just in case.

And soon Narcissette could do it perfectly herself. She scared and scolded herself. For good reason and just in case. And when she grew up, there appeared to be no other reasons to pay attention to herself rather than those. So, that's how she addressed herself: “You're a damn fool!”

Once there lived Little Narcissette.

She was highly praised for coping with something really hard or even daunting. For example, at the age of five to go to a certain place with her younger brother and bring something without money and so that it would be enough for the whole family.

And when Narcissette grew up, she was no longer able to live without such tension. That's why she keeps roaming the world, looking for difficulties.

Once there lived Little Narcissette.

As a child, she attended five after-school clubs and a small photo club. She was also an A-student at school. But parents were still anxious that she might start slacking off and become nobody.

And then she grew up. She had three jobs, and in the evening, she did sport, on the weekend, she hiked and ran marathons. But still remained nobody for herself. Since her life seemed overfilled, but inside it felt as if she wasn't there at all.

Once there lived Little Narcissette.

From her early years, Dad would demand from her to get straight A's at school and take part in all school competitions. Most importantly, to take the first place everywhere.

If she only managed to take the second place or, God forbid, the third one, that wouldn't count at all.

“Anybody can do that! What is there to be proud of?” said Dad disdainfully.

Since then, Narcissette has grown up and even aged a little. But she still doesn't understand who she is and what she has of her own inside. Since if she discovers something in herself, it turns out that others also have it and are also able to do what she can. If not everyone, then someone.

So, Narcissette lives with a huge hole in her soul, being just like everyone else. And there is nothing special or unique about her.

Once there lived Little Narcissette.

When she was a child, Dad kept saying that it was important to better control yourself and not be a crybaby like other girls. So, Narcissette grew up quickly and completely forgot how to cry. Then she forgot how it feels to be sad.

She always got it together so that nobody could get it on with her.

Literally. Why did she even grow up? To never get enjoyment? Even a tiny orgasm?

Once there lived Little Narcissette.

When she coped with everything, her parents didn't quite notice it, since it was normal. But when she made mistakes or didn't achieve anything, she was properly shamed. Just for educational purposes and for the sake of a better future. So that she didn't stop aspiring for development.

Narcissette has grown up. But she still can't relax. Since in case she relaxes, she will definitely deteriorate. Instantly.

Once there lived Little Narcissette.

Her family, for some reason, were very afraid of her getting a swollen head. So, her failures were loudly noticed and successes logically ignored. And sometimes also devalued, just in case.

When she grew up, she treated herself the same way.

But also got surprised that she hadn't yet become anyone special.

Not just high but tremendously high standards are set on a future narcissist in their childhood. A child is compared with aunt Kate's daughter or uncle Fyodor's grandson. For example, who among us have not heard something like: “My colleague's son passed all the exams with flying colors and takes the first place at all biathlon competitions”?

Narcissistic challenges – level of achievements demanded from a child by parents who neglect his or her interests, talents, and abilities, including age-related ones. Children who are narcissists-to-be are supposed to develop early, achieve results earlier than other children of their age, be a constant source of pride for their mom and dad. Mostly, such moms and dads have certain utopian ideas about what it means to be ideal parents. For them, it is crucial to arrange such present for their son or daughter that would necessarily lead to the promising future. Seeing their child as an ordinary person is unbearable for them. Thus, it is necessary to reveal talents in their children and lead them to achievements and successful life. However, unrealistic expectations are not the worst part. Far worse for the child is when they have to achieve everything without any support. This requirement usually sounds like that: first achieve something, then come with the results. Moreover, legitimate needs to be seen and supported in case of difficulties, which a child is entitled to due to their young age, are totally ignored. Therefore, a future narcissist is supposed to bring himself or herself up on their own, at the same time living up to their parents' requirements and not hope for any right for help while doing it.

Summary. Narcissistic adaptation to childhood conditions

Therefore, to my mind, all of the mentioned above explains how a narcissist is “hatched” from a child. This is a person who was not fortunate enough to be in a relationship of safe attachment and dependence. Who did not experience safe, reliable, predictable, and warm relationships with the first people in their life. Who shut the door of their soul too early, having lost the hope to ever love and be loved, who detached emotionally, protecting themselves from the pain.

The very attitude to them like to an unworthy and insignificant person by their close ones or the feeling of the lack of safety forced them to spend all of their psychic sources on defense. They had no opportunity to develop healthy confidence in themselves. They were absorbed in the idea of preserving themselves on this way of loneliness and detachment from people. They remained strangers and inadequate “aliens” from another planet, mesmerized by the world of human relationships and, at the same time, scared of it. They made numerous decisions for themselves in order to cut ties with themselves, their own feelings and other people. But all of those come together as a fateful choice which paved the way for narcissism, at the same time excluding a person from numerous areas of normal people's life. They will be unavailable to them, on the one hand, due to the lack of experience and also because their experience of being attached to people was broken off so early. On the other hand, due to their absorption in their crucial goal. Since then, all of their power, attention, and resources are aimed at self-affirmation and at least some self-identification. They crave it as a guarantee for becoming more adequate, adapted to life, worthy, deserving comparison with other people.

From now on, denial of the need for anybody and rigorous demands to oneself will serve as a basis for their defense. Since if they become perfect and ideal, they will have a chance, firstly, to do without anyone, and, secondly, other people will need them. Their narcissistic choice provides them with security and control over their feelings, senses, needs, and requirements. Why waste time on trifles? Command over the whole world. Paying the price with their soul, they seal the most crucial contract of their lives: they give away their humanness in exchange for the hope of controlling reality. Thus, deep inside, the most deficient of all narcissists is the master of life and death. Just slightly unfortunate… And this is what they punish themselves for.

Part 2. Deficient narcissism. What is it like?

Chapter 3. “Puzzles” of deficient narcissism

Narcissism manifestations resemble jigsaw puzzles. All of them are of a very different nature. The more puzzle pieces come together in one person and the more complex they are, the graver their narcissistic personality disorder. In this chapter, we will examine them and discover different bizarre “patterns” they may form. Keep in mind that this or that “puzzle” might manifest itself in each of us to a different extent. For instance, let us consider a typically narcissistic syndrome of grandiosity. It may be present in a form of a regular occurring fantasy, which a person gets indulged in after looking at numerous Instagram pictures showing “successful success”. It could also occur in the form of delirium. The same with omnipotence. People who are healthier will only slightly ignore their real limitations, while in more severe cases, a person will seriously look for the means to take over the universe. In some of us, narcissistic states are manifested more evidently, in others less. Some of us rarely get into the following states, the others – constantly feel the pressure of inadequacy and inferiority.

In this part, we will explore “puzzles” of a narcissistic personality which has the majority of the provided symptoms that seriously and systematically distort the perception of self and reality, thus depriving of a full life. For instance, a person turns out to be worn-out by attacks on self for not managing to be someone who, as they imagine, they were long supposed to become. Or they are “paralyzed” in professional activity, not being able to find power or energy to make the necessary steps. Or they are exhausted from constant swinging on narcissistic swings, where one minute they are inspired by some activity or work, and the next – lose all the interest and get bored…

Of course, reading this section, you will inevitably recognize yourself and think: “Game over! I've got narcissism!” Well, firstly, a little narcissism does not hurt anybody. Secondly, even a combination of several features does not make us true narcissists. We can live a full life with these features, being aware of the obstacles and adapting to limitations.

How does a deficient narcissist live?

If anyone asked me to briefly describe Little Narcissette's character, I would say the following…

Once there lived Little Narcissette.

At first, she was just a little girl and then she grew up. And became the very narcissist who has the same problems as the majority of us. Lack of confidence, difficulty building close relationships, undermining achievement of goals, and so on.

Narcissette's life is not a bowl of cherries. She is poorly aware of who she is and what worth her everyday activities have. Sometimes, she fills her life to the gills, but that does not protect her from anxiety of still not having achieved anything.

She is looking for relationships but cannot enjoy or even maintain them. Sometimes, all these relationships between people appear to be absolute nonsense to her. But still, she is running looking for them. Since otherwise, she is filled with the shame of “what a woman am I then?”

Little Narcissette demands a lot from herself but is never satisfied. A strict inner voice constantly catches up with her, devaluing what she has done and craving even more achievements.

Narcissette is probably no longer young. Even at quite a mature age. But she still fantasizes that her whole life is ahead of her and is just about to start. She thinks that she has a great potential, although she has long forgotten what it lies in after so many years.

Our Narcissette's vulnerability point is self-esteem and everything that is connected with it. She is never good for herself and is quite inferior despite all of her achievements and success. And there is only one thing that she is afraid of: for it to become evident to anyone around her. Everywhere she goes, she sees comparison, evaluation, and requirements to meet standards. She has mastered disguising herself, not coming closer and not exposing herself to other people's gazes… And always ends up alone.

The thought of grasping herself and finally showing the world what a truly unique person she is comes to her mind more and more often. But only in the morning. As the afternoon passes, she is already viciously attacking herself.

She scolds herself for everything. For not having lived up to the expectations, not having achieved and not having attained. She is ashamed to look someone in the eye, since she is nobody, a loser. No matter how hard she tries to persuade herself that she is still way to go, it does not work in practice.

In an everyday sense, she still went to the office and did the things she had to. But they were too petty for her, not worthy for her unique fate. Dumb people around annoyed her, and new things did not bring her any joy.

On the whole, Narcissette was tired, she suffered, whipped things up, devalued and attacked herself again. For not managing to cope with all that and do something to her own life.

So, looking for something glorious and successful, Narcissette has not noticed how her human life has almost finished. In an attempt to make it great, she did not even learn how to live it at all.

On the whole, Narcissette has never found the button that activated her life. Although it seemed that she did everything right. Never let herself slack off and never got distracted by the stupid things.

Little Narcissette is just like us. It is just that her personal story made her adapt to life in such a way. Split off feelings and emotions from herself. Stop believing in love and attachment. Not believe people and their human manifestations. Demand perfection from herself in exchange for some guarantee of control. Forget that it is possible to need people and ask them for something. Develop hyper-independence. Believe that complete self-reliance is possible. And desire to be a superhuman in order to never experience the horror of uselessness, invisibility, and humiliation, which she had experienced one day…

So that you could further identify the “puzzles” of deficient narcissism yourselves, let us investigate its main “symptoms”.

I describe fourteen of them:

• inner emptiness,

• narcissistic insatiability⁷,

• ideal “self”,

• “inner critic”,

• the feeling of self-inferiority,

• fragility of self-esteem,

• self-devaluation,

• inability to make effort,

• narcissistic procrastination⁸,

• impostor syndrome,

• narcissistic depression⁹,

• boredom,

• inability to feel pleasure and rejoice in life (anhedonia);

• the feeling that “life passes by”.

Chapter 4. Foundations of deficiency. The feeling of inner emptiness

Once there lived Little Narcissette.

She had a good and active life. But she kept feeling worse and worse. Since no matter how much she invested in herself, she still remained empty inside.

Three degrees, two marriages, and several hobbies dissolved in this emptiness. Perhaps, they still were somewhere there, at the bottom of her soul. But so deep that Narcissette could never reach them. So, it seemed that nothing was inside her. And she herself remained nobody. Despite three degrees, two marriages, and several hobbies.

Once there lived Little Narcissette.

At work, at home and while relaxing, she was doing a hundred things at a time. She had enough energy for everything, but for some reason, her anxiety would only grow.

It turned out that throughout her entire life, Narcissette hasn't found out anything about herself for sure. But for some reason, did her best not to have time or energy to do so.

A distinct feeling which is strongly felt and vividly described by narcissists is the feeling of inner emptiness. Sometimes, it is referred to as a “hole inside”. In fact, the entire phenomenon of narcissistic deficiency is developed around this feeling. A famous blogger and psychotherapist, Aglaia Dateshidze, even wrote a poem about this very hole, which describes this state and the feeling of narcissistic emptiness with remarkable precision. I have met many people who recognized themselves in this poem. Their soul resonated with the words illustrating the feelings of a person with such a hole, which is very painful and shameful to have inside. And with those that reflect how fussily and anxiously one wants to fill it.

Inside this hole, there is draught and cold. Narcissists also describe it in a similar way. Nothing can persist there, nothing of all the things that happen to people. Neither achievements, nor evaluations, responses, acknowledgement, reflections… Nothing! Everything falls into this blackness, and as years go by, one still has nothing inside to rely on. Or it stays around for some time, very soon dissolving in the depths of this emptiness. One never knew anything about themselves and still does not know. The hole sucks in all the efforts and experience. Everything disappears in it, like in the Bermuda triangle. One genuinely suffers from inner emptiness, which is unbearably hard to handle. They resort to anything to avoid facing these emotions: social networks, which are full of diverse information, movie series, shopping, food, alcohol, sex, etc. Many people attempt to deal with this hole with the help of new education, a new, more successful marriage, casual dating, switching jobs. All the available methods of deflecting attention away from the feeling of anxiety about being empty and turbulent inside.

Exercise

In many trainings on “cultivating” self-confidence, there is an exercise which involves writing out 10-20-30 of your achievements or outstanding qualities. On the one hand, it is important and useful. On the other hand, …

Time and again, I have noticed how this task, simple in its essence, increases narcissists' anxiety. Firstly, they start doubting whether this or that is a success or an outstanding quality. Since everyone has it and everyone can do it. The very desire to devalue something they have achieved or mastered can already be considered “diagnostic”. Therefore, this exercise might not reduce but increase narcissistic anxiety.

As we are not at a public training but on our own, I offer you to do the following. Conduct an inner inventory despite everything. You will have to write out twenty achievements. Do not limit yourself to social success. Remember: the “achievements” criterion is inside you. Thus, among what you will have written out might be a degree with distinction or strong friendship since school which you still manage to maintain. You might remember your first salary of a hundred dollars or may want to mention breastfeeding a child until one, which was so hard, yet so important to you. And so on.

I understand that for now you might treat those achievements of yours differently. And it is more likely that you would again wish to pretend that there is nothing inside. But they are there.

Later we will work with this list. So, do not put it away and continue filling it with what you see as personal achievements.

Key to the exercise

An American writer, Sam Kean, once said: “Narcissism is a voluntary blindness, a promise not to look inside.” While a narcissist is alone, they are forced to give themselves such a promise. When they find an ally, there is a chance to see everything that they have where they promised themselves not to look…

In fact, narcissists are not empty inside. They simply know too little about themselves. If we return to the myth on Narcissus, we will see that he kept looking for his reflection not to admire himself. But to discover himself, find out how people see him. Not having received sufficient reflection as a child, narcissists appear to be dependent on it their entire life. And they wish that inquiring looks would fill this emptiness, returning to them the knowledge of what they are filled with.

Before presenting anything, we need to perform an inventory of what we have. That will provide us with the basis for calculating what we have inside.