Difficult people exist in all areas of our lives. They cause problems for anyone who comes into contact with them. This book is designed to help you understand and handle such people effectively and to get the best possible result out of any involvement with them.

As a counsellor I spend a great deal of my time helping those who consult me on how to cope with and improve the situations that come about because of other people’s difficult attitudes and behaviour. As a business training provider I run seminars on dealing with difficult co-workers, superiors or subordinates. The ideas and techniques suggested in this book are based on the experience I have had in both these fields. They make a good starting-point if you find yourself having to cope with difficult people; you can then adapt these techniques to suit both your own personality and the particular problems you have to face – after all, no two situations are identical.

Of one thing you can be confident: understanding what makes difficult people tick and learning how best to handle them will reduce your stress and make your life a great deal easier.

All things are difficult before they are easy

Thomas Fuller, Gnomologia no. 560

CHAPTER ONE Understanding Yourself and Others

There is no way you can make difficult people change and suddenly become sweet and amenable. Such change can only take place when the individuals concerned desire it and work towards it. So, if you can’t change them, the only thing to do is to change your own reaction to them. After all, you are the one who gets hurt and upset while they themselves simply blunder on in their own way.

All communication consists of reaction and counter-reaction. So, by changing your reactions – both inwardly and on the surface – you will in fact make these difficult people counter-react differently (even if only temporarily). Even if this does not help you to eliminate completely any problems that arise, it will diffuse most situations and therefore make them far easier to deal with.

Sometimes you will have to be quite skilful in the way you handle difficult people. While you can let yourself go and shout at a brother or sister, you are likely to get into trouble if you react in the same way to your boss. Even with members of your family, however, shouting is not a very good way to handle trying situations – but at least you won’t lose your job!

Each of us reacts in a different way to such awkward people because each of us has a different starting point. No two individuals have the same view of themselves; one may be calm and composed, another over-confident, while a third may have very low self-esteem. It is so easy to be hurt, deflated and demoralized by the words and actions of others; indeed, this is what they rely on and what gives them their power. But if you allow them to get to you, all you are doing is letting them win – and that is not good for you nor for their next unfortunate victim. The way to overcome the difficulties that arise is to be more clever than they are and to influence their responses – and often you can do this without them even realizing what you are doing.

How Do You React?

Perhaps it would be a good idea to look first at your own reactions to people. The instinctive retort, while often an understandable reaction is not always the best one from any point of view. Difficult people are so used to employing a particular set of tactics that you are likely to fall right into their trap and enable them to play their final trump card. As far as you are concerned, you are likely to end up feeling angry, frustrated and disappointed in yourself. Better by far to take time to think before you react – and better still if you have worked out your strategy in advance.

If you know that you are dealing with someone who is always difficult and who treats everyone in the same way, do try not to take personally the way he speaks to you. It is not really you who is being attacked; this person’s attitude would be the same whoever was at the receiving end. This does not excuse the behaviour in any way – but it might help to reduce your own feelings of inadequacy.

Ask yourself what sort of reaction you have to a difficult person you know. Do you respond extremely negatively? If so, for what reason? Stop and think rationally of what your course of action should be. Simply blowing up and having a fierce verbal battle achieves nothing; all it does is bring you down to the level of the person causing all the difficulties.

You can choose how to react and respond to people. Working through this book will help you understand the choices available to you and to decide which one is best and most appropriate in a particular case. You will be able to build on your inherent strengths (and hopefully minimize your weaknesses) so that you do not allow yourself to be triggered into a response that gets you nowhere and leaves you feeling drained and disappointed in yourself.

All this does not mean that you have to become a ‘yes-person’ or to give in to those who are trying to influence the way you behave. It does not even mean that you are not allowed to be angry. Of course you are. Anger is a natural and often justified emotion and there is nothing wrong in feeling it; what’s important is how you deal with it and express it. There is a world of difference between flying into a screaming rage and telling the other person (in a calm, controlled manner) ‘I feel angry about that.’ The latter is the assertive way and is far more effective as your listener is more likely to take notice. If you scream and shout, he will simply scream back and in the end neither of you will take any notice of what the other is saying.

To throw some light on how difficult people make you react as you do, try asking yourself the following questions:

Do You Really Want to Be Controlled by Others?

All too often that is what is happening – and the only one to suffer is you. The difficult person will carry on, happily convinced that he has won once again.

Picture this scene: Tom is driving steadily along the main road out of town when another vehicle overtakes him on the approach to a bend and, because of oncoming traffic, is forced to cut in immediately in front of him. Tom, who has naturally had a shock, is furious. He goes scarlet with rage, bangs his steering wheel with his fist and calls the other driver every bad name he can think of. The rest of his journey is ruined because he is fuming about what happened – and what could have happened. His concentration lapses and his own driving suffers as a consequence. This makes other people sound their horns at him, which does nothing at all to improve his humour.

No one is saying that Tom was not right to be angry. He did nothing wrong; the fault was entirely the other driver’s. And, had he not managed to cut in front of Tom’s car when he did, the situation could have been even worse due to the stream of oncoming traffic. But who was the one to suffer for Tom’s reaction? Not the other driver – who probably went on overtaking every vehicle ahead of him and was probably completely oblivious of Tom and his feelings.

No, the one to suffer was Tom. It was Tom whose blood-pressure went through the roof; Tom who was left shaking with fury; Tom who became so agitated that his own driving became far less steady and who could have, therefore, caused an accident himself. He had allowed himself and his judgement to be affected by the stupid actions of someone else – and he had not even had the satisfaction of telling that other person how he felt.

In just the same way, if you allow yourself to be goaded into a stressed and extreme reaction by the manipulative behaviour of other people, the only one you are going to harm is yourself. And not only will you fail to get the response you desire but you will be left feeling exhausted by your emotions and disappointed in your own behaviour.

What Is Your Reaction When Confronted by Someone Who Is Furious with You?

Do you match anger with anger? Do you become defensive and make excuses – to which the other person does not listen? Or do you back off and slink away? Each of these reactions is a negative one, whether your anger is justified or not. You are also likely to be left feeling annoyed, not only with the other person but with yourself for acting in the way you have.

Do You Talk Yourself into a State of Negativity?

You know the sort of thing: ‘I’m dreading that interview – I always make a fool of myself’ or ‘I really hate Mondays.’ If an interview is approaching, all you can do is prepare yourself as best you can and try to be as calm as possible on the day. As for Mondays – there was one last week and there’s going to be one next week as well, so you might as well get used to them.

This sort of negative feeling wastes so much time. Whether the interview (or the Monday) goes well or not, you will have spoiled the intervening time by spending it in a state of dread.

How Do You Respond to Criticism?

There are some people who just love to criticize others. It makes them feel good and gives them a sense of power. Like the bully who will only torment an obvious victim, the more response the critic gets from the object of his remarks, the more he will continue. And, also like the bully, critics tend to be moral cowards; putting others down helps them to disguise their own insecurities and have an inflated opinion of themselves. (I am not talking here of genuine, concerned criticism given in a constructive way but of those who enjoy making other people feel small).

Is your immediate response to such criticism to become defensive? Or perhaps you assume that the critic must be right (how he would love that) and take all his comments to heart without stopping to analyse their validity. As you will discover, there are ways of stopping the malicious critic and dealing assertively with the situation.

Do You Have a Permanently Negative Outlook?

Tell yourself often enough that ‘Everything has gone wrong since I moved into this house’ and it will continue to do so. Convince yourself that you are having ‘one of those days’ and you will. Not only will your own negativity make you see only the down side of every event, it will also draw out the negativity in others.

If you find yourself behaving in this way, it is worth stopping and taking stock of the realities of your situation. What really has gone wrong since you moved into your house? Make a list and study it. Are some of the items on the list things that would have happened anyway, wherever you were living? Are they all really as bad as all that? Now make a list of all the things that have gone right since you came to live there – things you may not have stopped to consider from the depths of your negative hole. Great or small, I’m certain that if you are honest you will be able to find a number of things to put on the positive side. (For one thing, you are well enough to be sitting there making the list.)

Even when you look at that list of ‘wrongs’, can it all really be the fault of the house, the day, the weather – or whatever else you have convinced yourself is to blame? Try being more positive and making a note of good things as they happen to you – even the little ones. It really works.

Do You Swallow Your Feelings – Both Good and Bad?

Do you find it difficult to say ‘I love you’ or ‘I’m disappointed in what you did’? Of course you may be able to say one and not the other. Many people have been brought up to think that they have to be polite and not do or say anything to upset anyone else. That is fine – but not when it means accepting poor manners or shoddy workmanship. There is nothing wrong in expressing what you feel provided you do so in a way that is productive rather than aggressive. You will never lose your true friends – and those people who aren’t true friends don’t matter anyway.

Disguising your emotions only ends up hurting you. It causes a build-up of stress as you turn your feelings in on yourself rather than dealing with them. Your opinion of yourself will become ever lower as your sense of inadequacy increases. You will also cause problems for yourself in that others (particularly those difficult people) will either fail to notice you at all or will consider you a prime target. Perhaps You Believe in Saying What You Think Regardless of the Consequences?

Just stop for a moment and consider how you feel when other people act in such a way. Do you really want to cause others pain or distress?

Saying what comes into your head without considering the effect it will have on those around you will eventually turn others away from you. You are likely to end up believing that you are alone against the world. This is a sad enough feeling at any time but even worse if you realize that you brought it on yourself. You could find yourself trapped on a downward spiral of emotion from which it will be hard to emerge.

Know Your Personality Type

While conducting research into the effects of stress upon the heart, cardiologists Dr Meyer Friedman and Dr Ray Rosenman divided people into Type A and Type B personalities. They found that, even if work and living conditions were identical, Type A people were three times more likely to suffer from a stroke or heart attack, as these people were more likely to react aggressively to people and situations and therefore more likely to suffer from excess stress.

Check the lists that follow and see whether you incline more towards Type A or Type B. The ideal, of course, would be to fall somewhere in between the two. It can be fine to have a ‘laid-back’ attitude to life – but not if you constantly miss opportunities or irritate others because of it. And a certain amount of enthusiasm and ambition is laudable – but not if it causes you to ride roughshod over all and sundry.

These lists are meant to be a guide to whether you lean too much one way or the other. Don’t be concerned if you have a few of the Type A characteristics – it probably means that you are good at getting things done. But if more than half of them apply, it might be time to see what you can do to change some of your reactions to life – before you do yourself any real harm.

Type A Personality

Highly competitive

Has a strong, forceful personality

Does everything quickly

Anxious for promotion at work or for social advancement

Desires public recognition for what he has achieved

Is easily angered by people and events

Speaks rapidly

Feels restless when compelled to be inactive

Likes to do several things at once

Walks, moves and eats quickly

Is made impatient by delay

Is very conscious of time – thrives on having to meet deadlines

Is always on time

Has taut facial muscles and/or clenches fists

Type B Personality

Not competitive – at work or play

Has an easy-going, relaxed manner

Does things slowly and methodically

Is relatively content with present work situation

Is satisfied with social position

Does not want public recognition

Is slow to be aroused to anger

Can enjoy periods of idleness

Speaks slowly

Prefers to do one thing at a time

Walks, moves and eats in a leisurely way

Is patient – not easily upset by delay

Is not time conscious; tends to ignore deadlines

Is frequently late

Has relaxed facial muscles/does not clench fists

Why Are You as You Are?

Whatever your personality and however you react to difficult people, the pattern will have been set many years ago, probably in early childhood. People and events over which you had no control will have conspired – often unwittingly – to create the self-image with which you have grown up. And if you are someone who finds it impossible to stand up to difficult people or to handle them in a satisfactory way, your self-esteem is likely to be lower than it should be. The good news is that it does not have to stay that way. It is possible at any stage in life to improve your self-image and increase your confidence.

Let’s have a look at some of the most common reasons for a poor self-image and see whether you can relate to any of them.

The first people with whom you formed any kind of relationship were your mother and father (or those who stood in that position). From their attitude towards you and their opinion you will have formed a view about yourself and your ‘value’. Some parents, of course, are deliberately unkind to their children, inflicting mental, physical or emotional damage. Fortunately, however, such parents make up only a small minority. But it is all too possible for the kindest and most well-meaning of adults to inflict harm, too – although they would probably be shocked if they knew they had done so. Those who are over-protective, doing everything for their child and fighting all his battles, may create an adult who has learned to be so dependent that he is quite unable to stand on his own feet. Those who care and provide for their children but find it difficult to be demonstrative (possibly due to defects in their own upbringing) may cause those children to believe that they are unworthy of love and affection – unlovable in fact.

A small child will think that his parents know everything and are perfect in every way. If one or both of those parents does not show love and affection, the child will form the inner belief that he is unworthy of such love and his self-esteem will develop (or not) accordingly. Similarly, the adult who thinks he will spur his child on by telling him that he is ‘stupid’ or ‘could do much better’ will, in fact, demolish the poor child’s belief in himself and his abilities until he either refuses to try or sets about everything in so half-hearted a fashion that he is bound to fail – thereby reinforcing the already negative self-image.

There may be elements in a child’s upbringing that are no one’s ‘fault’ but that still have a traumatic effect on his belief in himself. If one of these ‘wonderful’ parents leaves home or is away for any length of time, a child will usually believe that he is to blame and that, had he been ‘better’, the family could have remained complete. I have had more than one patient, now adult, who can accept logically that he or she was not responsible for one parent leaving the family home but who still finds it difficult to come to terms emotionally with the guilt experienced.

Sometimes the parting is quite unintentional. Perhaps one parent has to go away to work, goes into hospital – or even dies. It’s not all that long ago that a whole generation of fathers left home because they were conscripted to fight a war. The logical explanation for the leave-taking does not seem to make a difference to the young child and, unless he is handled carefully with love and understanding, a pattern of negativity about his own worth can be formed.

An unsettled childhood can also affect the future adult. If the family move home frequently during the early years so that the child is compelled to go to new schools and find new friends at regular intervals, he may grow up to find it difficult to form relationships with others. Then, when he looks around and sees (as it seems to him) that no one else has this problem, he feels inferior and inadequate where other people are concerned.

There are some children who sail happily through life at boarding school – but there are others who find it lonely, frightening and distressing. If you were part of the latter group, the traumatic effect of being sent away for so much of the time can last well beyond schooldays.

We are all programmed in some way – sometimes positively and sometimes negatively. If a child is told often enough, ‘You will never be as clever as your sister,’ that statement will become the truth. Think of all the people who claim ‘I could never learn to speak Spanish; I’m useless at languages.’ The truth is that, provided they have no real learning problems, there is no reason at all why they could not learn another language if they wish to do so. After all, had they been born in Madrid they would have been chattering away in that tongue from the age of one or two. Every time any one of us repeats a negative statement about ourselves – whether we say it aloud or simply think it – we are reinforcing this negative programming.

But if negative programming works, surely positive programming must work too. The process is the same; only the words or thoughts change. Just as it is possible to re-record over an audio or video cassette or a computer disk, you can re-record over past programming, thereby bringing about a change in your own self-image.

Why should you bother? What does it matter if your self-image is not as good as it could be? And what has all this to do with dealing with difficult people?

If you haven’t a strong belief in yourself and a reasonable amount of self-esteem, you are going to accept whatever negative words others throw at you. And if you accept these words without question and without seeing the reality of the situation, you are going to be unable to respond as you should in order to cope with the situation.

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How to Deal With Difficult People

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