Kitabı oku: «Philochristus», sayfa 24

CHAPTER XXX

When I awoke, it was now hard upon the third hour of the day, and the sun from behind Mount Olivet was shining brightly down upon the city. All things below were full of beauty and glory, nor would a stranger have known that the stain of innocent blood was upon the place; so fair shone all the city rejoicing in the Sabbath sun. When I looked thereon, the memory of my dream vanished, even as the mists which I saw rolling upward from the side of the mountain and vanishing into the pure air. My misery returned upon me again; and I felt once more alone and without God in the world. But I resolved to go up straightway to Bethany, if perchance I might there find the apostles in the house of Mary and Martha. When I was come thither, I found them all, save Judas; and I entered in and sat with them in silence; and for a long time we neither prayed nor spake together, nor so much as lamented aloud; but there we sat speechless and comfortless; for the hand of the Lord was heavy upon us.

At the last spake certain of the women, saying that they had brought spices, such as are used in the embalming of bodies, and that they purposed to go early on the morrow for to embalm the body of Jesus. Then I asked where he was buried; and they told me, “in a garden of Joseph of Arimathea, nigh unto the place of crucifixion.” After that, I asked whether any had stood near, and in view of the cross while he was suffering; for I had been thrust away by the crowd. Then John the son of Zebedee answered and said that he had been nigh, and that Jesus had borne all the anguish with a marvellous constancy. He told me also of certain other words which Jesus had spoken while he was on the cross, and that a soldier, after his death, had wounded his side with a spear; but when I asked him whether he had heard Jesus speak also those words which I had myself heard, namely that God had forsaken him, then John said nothing, but only moved his head as if to say that it was so; and the rest also were silent, for we feared to think on those words.

After we had all thus sat silent for a while, one of the women began to speak again and to say that all things had happened according to the words of Jesus; for he had said that he should be slain; and he had blessed Mary, in that she had anointed his body for the burial. Then another of the women began to bring to our mind how Jesus had long ago prophesied that the time should come when we should desire to see one of the days of the Son of man, and should not find it. And another spake how, at another time, when we were in the country round about Hermon, he had prophesied that he should be slain; therefore, said she, he was a true prophet. But Thomas made mention of the saying of Hosea, whereof Jesus had oftentimes been used to speak, “Come and let us return unto the Lord, for he hath torn and he will heal us; he hath smitten, and he will bind us up. After two days will he revive us; in the third day he will raise us up, and we shall live in his sight.” Then said Thomas, “A part of the sayings of Jesus hath indeed come to pass”; and he added no more. But all we that were in that chamber sitting together, knew what Thomas had in his mind to say (for it was in our minds also), namely, that the rest of the words of Jesus were not to be fulfilled. So again we sat silent; for indeed our souls were wholly given up to meditating on those words of Jesus, “after two days he will revive us”; and each knew that the others were meditating on the same; yet durst none of us say so much as a word, nor so much as confess to himself that the words could import anything now; for about that matter we feared even to hope.

But by degrees our tongues were loosed, and we began to speak more freely concerning the goodness of Jesus, how exceeding gentle he was at all times to the young and simple, and to the poor and oppressed; how full of peace and cheerfulness; how thoughtful for others, how forgetful of himself. Then we spake of his marvellous power in the forgiving of sins, and in the healing of diseases, and in the casting out of unclean spirits. And one said that with all these faculties he joined a marvellous grace of modesty and humility, so that no child could carry himself with less of pride or ostentation. “Yea,” said another, “and yet withal, though he were never so simple and humble, he ever spake of himself, none the less, as the haven and refuge for men, saying such words as these unto us, ‘Come unto me, and I will give you rest,’ and again, ‘Take my yoke upon you:’ moreover he bade us take his voice as our Law in the stead of the Law of Moses, saying, ‘It was said to them of old, do this, but I say unto you, do that.’ Therefore are we of all men most miserable in that, having received from God the very source of light and life, now we are deprived thereof.” Then Peter said, “Yea, verily we have none else to whom we can go, for Jesus alone hath the words of eternal life; and without him we have no life.” But said another, “If God be good, how could it be that He should have forsaken Jesus, so that he cried aloud, ‘My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?’ ” Then Nathanael spake and said (the very thought that was in my heart also) that perchance Jesus used those words, desiring briefly to pour forth all the trouble and all the trust of his heart; for, said he, “These words are as it were the title of the psalm, and the psalm beginneth with trouble, but it endeth with trust.” To this the rest agreed that it might be so; but we all felt within ourselves that this was small comfort: for we needed not only to think that it might be so, but to know that it was so.

Then one said that the Kingdom of God and the Redemption of Sion were now as far off as ever. But Mary of Magdala said with great vehemency, “that she mourned not for the Redemption of Sion, but because the breath of life was taken out of the world, for without Jesus there was no more truth nor righteousness. He trusted in God, would not God deliver him? Was he not the Son of the living God? If, therefore, the Father live, how can the Son be dead?” She added yet other words still more passionate, as if God were no God unless Jesus were restored to life. We chid her, and would have stayed her speech: for, though she did indeed express the very feelings of our hearts, yet were we afraid to see them put into plain words, and besides, we dreaded the pain of new hopes. For to hope that we should look again on Jesus, and afterwards to fail of that hope, had been to have had Jesus snatched from us a second time.

By this time the sun had set, and the women began to make ready the spices for the embalming. But I (because it had been reported to certain of the disciples that the chief priests purposed to set a guard round the tomb) determined to go down that I might see whether the tomb were beset with guards or no, and whether the women could have easy access to it. I easily found the place in the light of the moon, and it was even as the women had said; for the garden of Joseph lay not more than three stones’ cast from the place where Jesus had been crucified. So I stood for a while looking on the stone, which was at the mouth of the tomb, and no man else was in the garden. But while I stood near the tomb, very nigh unto the mouth thereof, I heard a sound on my right hand; and when I turned round, behold, a light; and the lights grew many as I looked, and I perceived that there were torches approaching. So I went back some distance, and still the torches came nearer; and the men were, as it seemed to me, servants of the chief priests, but I discerned also the face of Hezekiah the Scribe; and they all stood round the tomb, and I also stood and watched them from afar off, to see what they would do. But I could not remain; for they sent out watchers on all sides calling to one another in a circle, like unto men keeping sentinel, for to spy whether any one were near. Then I fled perforce and in haste; and though I fled straightway, yet could I not contrive but the watchers perceived me and chased after me and went near to take me. But I escaped out of their hands, and went up to Bethany to bear word unto the women. And when the women heard these things they were sore distressed. Howbeit they resolved that in any case they would go forth to the tomb very early on the morrow.

But before we lay down to rest that night, we spake again of Jesus, and concerning all that he had said and done; and we continued our discourse late into the night, and were loth to break off; for while we discoursed together of former times, we seemed to have Jesus again in the midst of us. But at the end, when we were now ceasing, the Spirit of the Lord fell upon Mary of Magdala, and she lifted up her voice and sang as the Lord moved her, and the words were even from the psalm whereof we had been but now speaking, while discoursing concerning the forsaking of Jesus by God. Now the song describeth the suffering of the Messiah. Therefore when she came in her singing to these words, “They pierced my hands and my feet; I may tell all my bones; they stand staring and looking upon me. They part my garments among them, and cast lots upon my vesture”: then we wept, remembering the sufferings of Jesus. But when she sang the next words, “But be not thou far from me, O Lord. Thou art my succour, haste thee to help me. Deliver my soul from the sword, my darling also from the power of the dog. Save me from the lion’s mouth: Thou hast heard me from among the horns of the unicorns. I will declare thy name unto my brethren; in the midst of the congregation will I praise thee. For he hath not despised, nor abhorred the low estate of the poor; he hath not hid his face from him; but when he called unto him he heard him”: then we wept no longer, but we marvelled while we looked on her, and while we hearkened to the words of her singing: for she sang as one taught of God, so that we durst not stay her; yet we thought in our hearts, “Notwithstanding when Jesus called unto Him, He heard him not.” And when we thought on this we besought her that she would cease.

Howbeit she ceased not, but began to sing yet another psalm, a part of the great Hallel; even the very words that Jesus himself had sung to us on the night before he suffered. And the other women joined with her, and they sang so that the sound thereof pierced to our very souls. Then could we endure it no longer, but covered our faces with our hands. But they continued singing, “I shall not die, but live, and declare the works of the Lord. The Lord hath chastened and corrected me, but he hath not given me over unto death. Thou art my God, and I will thank thee; thou art my God, and I will praise thee.”

Now while they were singing, I had closed mine eyes; and lo, there rose up before me a vision of the upper room where we had supped together with Jesus on the night that he was betrayed: and I seemed to see the face of Jesus himself; yea, though I was not asleep nor in a trance, yet did I see Jesus himself sitting again as if at meat with us. Therefore was I loth to open mine eyes; for I feared that, when I opened them, I should no longer see what I saw. But when the women had made an end of singing, then opened I mine eyes, half expecting that it might prove no vision, and that Jesus would be sitting before me in the midst of us. But I saw nothing; nor were the women any longer with us, for they were gone forth into another chamber to finish their preparations for the embalming. For they desired to visit the sepulchre very early in the morning, and it was by this time the third watch of the night. About the space of an hour, I remained in the chamber with the rest: then I heard the footsteps of the women as they passed forth from the house. I tried to sleep, but could not; for ever in my mind was present the thought of Jesus in the tomb, waiting the approach of the women to embalm him. So my heart went forth with the women upon their errand, and I reckoned over the time and said ever and anon, “Now they are come down from the mountain; by this time they are nigh to Golgotha; now they are in the garden; now they are at the tomb.” Then I saw before mine eyes the women embracing the dead limbs of our Master. “And now,” said I, “the stone is rolled away and they have entered in: they weep, but he answereth not, neither heareth; his eyes move not nor make any answer to their eyes; they clasp his hands, but his hands clasp not theirs again.”

When I thought on these things I arose in sore extremity nigh unto despair, and went up to the house-top. Above the mountains of Moab, to the east, there was a faint token of dawn. I thought of the coming day, and I loathed it; for without Jesus the light seemed unto me as darkness. Moreover when I strove to pray, Satan tempted me very sorely, so that I could not pray: for I said, “Behold I am without Jesus: but God without Jesus is to me as no God.” Then fell I flat upon my face and wrestled with Satan in prayer, and I besought the Lord again and again that He would give Jesus back to us, yea, though it were but to look on him for one moment, that we might be assured that all was well with him. How long I prayed I know not, but it seemed to me many hours; and sometimes I stood in my praying and watched the dawn growing brighter; and even as the dawn grew, my fears and doubts grew with it; but at other times I lay prostrate and shut out the light. So at last the sky began to brighten towards sunrise; and still I was crying unto the Lord from the depths, according as it is written, “I wait for the Lord; my soul doth wait, and in his word do I hope. My soul waiteth for the Lord more than they that watch for the morning, more, I say, than they that watch for the morning.”

Now while I lay grovelling in the very deepest of the depths, beseeching the Lord to destroy me if I might not have peace, behold, a sound as of many feet below, without the house, and then a knocking, exceeding loud; and one asked from within, “Who is there?” And the answer came piercing the air, “He is risen! He is risen! Jesus is risen from the dead!” Now at first I thought that the voice was the voice of an angel; but when I considered, and heard how answer was made, and the door forthwith opened, and a sound as of feet entering, then straightway I knew that it was the voice of one of the women come back from the sepulchre. Immediately, therefore, going down, I found all the household stirring, and the women returned, and all the disciples gathered together, and standing round the women, questioning them, and listening to their words.

Then the women told us how they had gone down to Golgotha, even to the tomb; and when Mary of Magdala was now nigh, even at the mouth of the tomb (for she walked somewhat before the rest), behold, the great stone at the mouth of the tomb was rolled away. Then she called aloud for despair, and her companions hasted to her; but when they were now come to her, as she was even now adventuring to enter into the tomb, of a sudden Mary cried out again, saying, “Behold, an angel of the Lord!” And lo, there appeared to them (even to all the women and not to Mary only) an angel clothed in white; and they all heard a voice which said, “He is not here, but is risen.” And, said Mary Magdalene, the voice added that we were to return to Galilee, and there we should see him; but another of the women said that the voice seemed to her also to speak of Galilee, but she heard not those other words which Mary heard.¹² Also some of the women had seen two angels, but others only one. But as concerning this at least, all the women were agreed, namely, that they had seen a vision of angels, and that they had heard a voice which cried out, “He is not here, he is risen.”

Now when we had spent much time in questioning and hearing the women, I desired to go down forthwith to the sepulchre, for to see it with mine own eyes: but the women stayed me, and said, “It were better to wait; for Peter and John are already gone down.” So I waited, but in sore trouble of mind; for at one time I believed, but at another time I doubted. For as concerning the tomb, it came into my mind that it was like enough that the servants of the chief priests (whom I had seen in the garden during the night) might haply have broken open the tomb and stolen away the body; but then on the other side there was the vision of the angels and the voice; and besides, it was being borne in upon my mind, and upon the minds of most of us, that Jesus must indeed arise from the dead, for thus should both the words of the prophets be fulfilled, and his own words also; but otherwise they could not be fulfilled. So I waited till John and Peter should return.

But while I was still waiting and marvelling that they tarried so long, there came in certain of the disciples; these were not Galileans, but abode in Jerusalem, and they asked us whether we had seen aught that night. We said “No.” Then said one of them to us, “Last night, in returning from beholding that which came to pass at Golgotha, about two hours after sunset, Miriam, my sister’s daughter, saw her father (who hath now been buried these six weeks) risen from the grave and standing wrapped in the grave-clothes near her bed; moreover two other women of mine acquaintance saw the bodies of their little children, fresh and blooming as if they were verily alive; and another, a certain young man named Mattathias (but he is not known to me), is said to have seen his brother, who hath been buried more than a year, standing as if alive, so that he even approached him and called him by name. And other wonderful sights have appeared to very many.” And his companions confirmed all his words, saying, “The like also we ourselves have heard.”

While we marvelled at their words, the two disciples, Peter and John, came into the chamber. But they had seen nothing; only the stone rolled away, even as the women had said, and the tomb void of the body. Then one of the disciples brought again to our minds how that Jesus, even before his death, had bidden us go into Galilee, saying that he would there manifest himself unto us; and when we questioned Mary of Magdala, she constantly affirmed that the voice of the angels was to the same effect. Therefore I resolved that I would set forth that very day to go to Capernaum. For a hope was now waxing strong within me that I should after all see Jesus again. So I set out without delay, with certain other of the disciples; howbeit the greater part would stay in Jerusalem yet a few days.

CHAPTER XXXI

When we came to Capernaum, on the evening of the third day, we spent the rest of that day in praying and praising God; and we fasted and besought the Lord that we might see Jesus according to His promise. And so we spent the next day likewise. But on the morrow, which was the fifth day of the week, it being now a full week from the time when Jesus had broken bread with us on the night when he was betrayed, we determined that we also would break bread together, even as he had commanded us, in memory of him. And about the sixth hour of the day, when we were seated together in an upper room praying to the Lord, there came in Peter and James and other of the disciples, but now returned from Jerusalem. And Peter related how the Lord Jesus himself had appeared to him; and James said that he also had seen the Lord Jesus. Now at first I feared lest it might be the will of the Lord that Jesus should reveal himself to none save the Twelve; but I understood that Mary of Magdala also had seen him.

Then two other of the disciples, and they not of the number of the Twelve, related to me how Jesus had appeared to them also, at the breaking of bread. For they had walked forth together conversing much about Jesus of Nazareth, and about the hopes which they had had that he should have redeemed Israel. “And so it was,” said one of them (for I will set down the story as it was told me by one of the disciples, whose name was Cleophas), “that we had just made mention between ourselves of the voice and the vision of angels; making mention thereof as of an idle tale. And it was the hour of prayer. And because of the extremity of our sorrow we both fell on our faces, and poured out all our desire before the Lord, beseeching Him for the Redemption of Israel. Then the Lord Jesus had compassion on us and came to us. For when we rose up from praying, we heard a voice from the Lord Jesus himself, chiding us for our folly and slowness of heart in not believing all that the prophets had spoken; for that it was needful that Christ should have suffered these things, and thus to enter into his glory: and lo, at an instant the whole of the truth of the Scriptures lay before our eyes, and all the meaning of the words of the Lord Jesus withal.

“As we went forward, our hearts burned within us while the Lord revealed unto us the Scriptures and all the meaning of his prophecies; but still our eyes were not opened to discern that he himself was present with us; yet we perceived that there was a divine presence near us. But when the sun was setting and we drew nigh unto the village whither we were going, our hearts became faint and dull, as if the presence were departing from us. Therefore we knelt down once more and besought the Lord that he would continue to us the strength of his presence. Notwithstanding even now our eyes were not opened that we should discern him.

“But in the evening, it being now late, when we were sat down to eat bread together, our hearts being full of the presence of Jesus, we brake the bread and blessed it, even as Jesus had broken and blessed, and then we said aloud, according to his word, ‘Behold, the body of the Lord;’ and lo, at that word the cloud was removed from our eyes, and first my companion, and then I also, discerned Jesus on the other side of the table, reclining as if at meat (even as he reclined when he last brake bread with us), and with his hands stretched out as if in the breaking and blessing of bread. Now for a while (but I knew not how long, except that it was not very long), Jesus remained with his hands still outstretched as at the first, looking at us with a very loving countenance, but saying naught; and we sat upright as men astonied and speechless, and not able to move for astonishment; but when we rose up for to have embraced him, straightway Jesus vanished out of our sight.”

All we that were in the chamber rejoiced when we heard Cleophas saying these things. Only Thomas believed not; for the thing seemed unto him too beautiful to be verily true, and he said, “If I believe that Jesus is risen from the dead, and afterwards find that it is not so, then shall my misery be increased twofold: therefore will I believe not.” And he added moreover, “Except I shall see in his hands the print of the nails and put my finger in the print of the nails and thrust my hand into his side, I will not believe.” We were grieved at the words of Thomas: howbeit none rebuked him, for we knew that he spake out of his exceeding love of Jesus. But we besought him to break bread with us that evening, according to the commandment of Jesus.

So about one hour after sunset, we were assembled all together in the upper room (it was a room in the house of Peter, wherein Jesus was wont to sit at meat with us in past times), and Thomas also was with us. But the door was shut and made fast for fear of spies; whom the Scribes in Capernaum had begun to set over us for to watch us. When all things were now ready, first we sang a psalm, even the same psalm that Jesus had sung on the same night in the week before, when we kept the Passover together. Then Simon Peter offered up prayers and praises to God, and made mention of the comfortable words of the Lord Jesus, how he had said that he would never leave us nor forsake us, but that wheresoever two or three were gathered together in his name, there would he be present among them. Last of all he spake of the testament of the Lord Jesus, how he had bidden us break bread and drink wine in memory of him, that we might partake of his body and his blood. Then began Simon Peter to break bread and to reach it to each of us, and at the same time he said, “This is the body of the Lord.” But behold, in the midst of his giving of the bread, Peter made a sudden pause and was silent, and his eyes were fixed, and he gazed steadfastly upon the place which had been left empty at the table; for Jesus had been wont to sit there in times past, wherefore in that place durst no man sit. Then I turned round hastily to look, and behold, Jesus was there; as clear to view as ever I had seen him in this life, only very pale, and there were the nail-prints in his hands, and methought there was a wound in his side; and the brightness of his love and compassion passed sensibly forth from his eyes to mine, and all my soul went out to him as I looked; but I could in no wise speak, nor did I desire to speak; for I had thoughts deeper than all words.

Now not a hand moved, not a word was spoken: and there was such a silence as if one could hear and count the footsteps of time; neither could I turn mine eyes from Jesus till I heard Thomas weeping beside me; but he threw himself on the ground, stretching out his hands to Jesus, and reproaching himself for his faithlessness; and at the same time, pressing the bread, even the body of the Lord which he held in his hand, he cried out saying, “My hand hath touched; yea I have touched; I believe, I believe.” But neither he nor any of us durst adventure to go to that part of the table where Jesus sat; but when I looked again, behold his hand was stretched out (even as the two disciples had described their vision of Jesus) as if he brake and blessed the bread that was his body; and Thomas also heard a voice (but I heard not the voice) saying that he was to touch with his hand, according to his own saying, and to be no more faithless, but believing. After this Jesus vanished from our eyes, and neither in his coming nor in his departing was the door opened, but it remained shut fast; whereat we all marvelled.

From henceforth old things seemed to pass away, and all things became new unto us. For whithersoever we went, and whatsoever we did, we knew that we had the presence of Jesus with us, even when we saw him not. But oftentimes he revealed himself to us, and we saw him plainly; and this too not only in the house and sitting at meat (albeit he oftentimes, and methinks most times, revealed himself to us in the house), but sometimes also abroad in the fields, or even on the lake. Yea I myself was once present when a storm came down upon us on the lake, and the winds sent up such waves as were like to have covered our boat, and we cried unto Jesus in our terror; and behold, the storm ceased, and the clouds parted asunder, and we saw Jesus walking on the waves and stilling them under his feet. And to others of the disciples he appeared at another time, when they had been toiling the night long at fishing, and had caught nothing; and he gave unto them a draught of fishes exceeding any that they had ever before taken.

But the most of the manifestations of Jesus were vouchsafed to us when we brake bread together; after which manner also he revealed himself unto James, as I have heard. For James had taken an oath that he would neither eat nor drink until he had seen Jesus risen from the dead. Therefore on the night after the vision of angels which had been seen by the women, James was in the house at Bethany with Simon Peter and John, and the table was spread for supper; but James would not eat. Then suddenly Jesus was seen sitting in the midst of them, breaking bread and blessing it, and bidding James to partake thereof.¹³ But, as I have said, Jesus appeared to us at other times and in other places, and not merely in the breaking of bread; and sometimes in visions without a voice, but at other times in a voice without any vision, and sometimes also, as it has been reported unto me, by signs and tokens (without either voice or vision), and even in the guise of strangers; and all this for the space of little less than a year, insomuch that, if any one should adventure to set forth all the manifestations of Jesus, and the time and place and manner of each, I suppose that the world itself could not contain the books that should be written. Therefore passing over these, I will relate how Jesus appeared in Galilee on a certain mountain to more than five hundred of the brethren at one time.

It was on this wise. A year, or not much less, had passed away since the rising of Jesus from the dead; and we were still tarrying in Galilee, and the Passover was at hand. Now during that year the number of the disciples had been increasing, but not much; for we had not at that time been moved to proclaim the Resurrection of Jesus. But as the Passover drew nigh, Jesus began to manifest himself less often to us; and he made known to us by the mouth of Peter and of other of the disciples that the time was at hand when he should ascend up to heaven. Then there arose a questioning among us whether we should go up to the Passover or not; for some said that Jerusalem was an accursed city (because the doom of our Lord had gone forth upon it), and that we should not go up; but others said that we should go up; for the Lord would there reveal his will to us. Then it seemed good that the disciples should meet together on a certain mountain in Galilee, whereto Jesus had often resorted aforetime; and there we were to consider of these matters and to ask counsel of the Lord. Now when we were assembled to the number of five hundred in all, women and men together, behold, as we were all offering up prayers with one consent in the name of the Lord Jesus, there was a cry, “Behold him.” And Jesus appeared unto us, of the same aspect as before, but fainter, and as it seemed standing at a distance from us; insomuch that some that had not before seen Jesus risen from the dead, were in doubt; and others said they saw nothing. But when we prayed more earnestly, behold, Jesus came closer to us, so that all, or almost all, could discern him; and he waved with the hand as if bidding us go southward. Afterwards the Lord spake by the mouth of Peter, saying that we were verily to go to Jerusalem. And so it was determined.