Kitabı oku: «The Complete Works of Josh Billings», sayfa 12
NOT ENNY SHANGHI FOR ME
The shanghi ruseter is a gentile, and speaks in a forrin tung.
He is bilt on piles like a Sandy Hill crane.
If he had bin bilt with 4 legs, he wud resembel the peruvian lama.
He is not a game animil, but quite often cums off sekund best in a ruff and tumble fite; like the injuns, tha kant stand sivilization, and are fast disappearing.
Tha roost on the ground, similar tew the mud turkle.
Tha oftin go to sleep standing, and sum times pitch over, and when tha dew, tha enter the ground like a pickaxe.
Thare food consis ov korn in the ear.
Tha crow like a jackass, troubled with the bronskeesucks.
Tha will eat as mutch tu onst as a district skule master, and ginerally sit down rite oph tew keep from tipping over.
Tha are dredful unhandy tew cook, yu hav tu bile one eend ov them tu a time, yu kant git them awl into a potash kittle tu onst.
The femail ruster lays an eg as big as a kokernut, and is sick for a week afterwards, and when she hatches out a litter of yung shanghis she has tew brood them standing and then kant kiver but 3 ov them – the rest stand around on the outside, like boys around a cirkus tent, gitting a peep under the kanvas when ever tha kan.
The man who fust brought the breed into this kuntry ought tew own them all and be obliged tew feed them on grasshoppers, caught bi hand.
I never owned but one and he got choked tu deth bi a kink in a clothes line, but not until he had swallered 18 feet ov it.
Not enny shanghi for me, if yu pleze; i wuld rather board a travelling kolporter, and as for eating one, give me a biled owl rare dun, or a turkee buzzard, roasted hole, and stuffed with a pair ov injun rubber boots, but not enny shanghi for me, not a shanghi!
Speaking ov hens, leads me tew remark, in the fust place, that hens, thus far, are a suckcess.
They are domestick, and occasionally are tuff.
This iz owing tew their not being biled often enuff in their younger daze; but the hen ain’t tew blame for this.
Biled hen iz universally respekted.
Thare iz a grate deal ov originality tew the hen – exactly how mutch i kant tell, historians fight so mutch about it. Sum say Knower had hens with him in the ark and sum say he didn’t. So it goes, which and tuther.
I kant tell yu which waz born fust, the hen or the egg; sumtimes i think the egg waz – and sumtimes i think the hen waz – and sumtimes i think i don’t kno, and i kant tell now, which way iz right, for the life ov me.
Laying eggs iz the hen’s best grip.
A hen that kant lay eggs – iz laid out.
One egg iz konsidered a fair day’s work for a hen. I hav herd ov their doing better, but i don’t want a hen ov mine tew do it – it iz apt tew hurt their constitution and bye-laws, and thus impare their futer worth.
The poet sez, butifully:
“Sumboddy haz stole our old blew hen!
I wish they’d let her bee;
She used tew lay 2 eggs a day,
And Sundays she’d lay 3.”
This sounds trew enuff for poetry, but i will bet 75 thousand dollars that it never took place.
The best time tew sett a hen, is when the hen is reddy.
I kant tell you what the best breed is, but the shanghigh is the meanest. It kosts as mutch tew board one, as it duz a stage hoss, and yu mite as well undertake tew fat a fanning-mill, by running oats thru it.
Thare aint no proffit in keeping a hen for his eggs, if he laze less than one a day.
Hens are very long lived, if they dont contrakt the thrut disseaze, – thare is a grate menny goes tew pot, evry year, bi this melankolly disseaze.
I kant tell exactly how tew pick out a good hen, but as a general thing, the long-eared ones, are kounted the best.
The one-legged ones, i kno, are the lest ap tew skratch up a garden.
Eggs packed in equal parts ov salt, and lime water, with the other end down, will keep from 30, or 40, years, if they are not disturbed.
Fresh beef-stake is good for hens; i serpose 4 or 5 pounds a day, would be awl a hen would need, at fust along.
I shall be happee tew advise with yu, at enny time, on the hen question, and – take it in egg.
THE AUNT
The ant iz a menny footted insekt.
They live about one thousand five hundred and fifty of them (more or less), in the same hole in the ground, and hold their property in common.
They hav no holydays, no eight-hour sistem, nor never strike for enny higher wages.
They are cheerful little toilers, and hav no malice, nor back door to their hearts.
Their iz no sedentary loafers amung them, and yu never see one out ov a job.
They git up arly, go tew bed late, work all the time, and eat on the run.
Yu never see two ants argueing sum phoolish question that neither ov them didn’t understand; they don’t kare whether the moon iz inhabited, or not; nor whether a fish weighing two pounds, put into a pail ov water allreddy phull, will make the pail slop over, or weigh more.
They ain’t a-hunting after the philosopher’s stone, nor gitting crazy over the cauze of the sudden earthquakes.
They don’t care whether Jupiter iz 30 or 31 millions ov miles up in the air, nor whether the arth bobs around on its axes or not, so long az it don’t bob over their korn krib and spill their barley.
They are simple, little, bizzy aunts, full ov faith, working hard, living prudently, committing no sin, prazeing God by minding their own bizzness, and dieing when their time cums, tew make room for the next crop ov aunts.
They are a reproach to the lazy, an encouragement tew the industrious, a rebuke tew the viscious, and a studdy to the Christian.
If yu want tew take a lesson in arkitekture, go and set down bi the side ov their hole in the ground, and wonder how so menny kan liv so thick.
If yure pashunce needs consolashun, watch the ants, and be strengthened.
If man had (added tew hiz capacity) the pashunce and grit ov theze little atoms ov animated natur, every mountin on the buzzum ov the arth would, before this, hav bin levelled, and every inch ov surface would scream with fruitfulness, and countless lots ov human critters would hav bin added to the inhabitants ov the universe, and bin fed on corn and other sass.
I hav sot by the hour and a haff down near an aunt-hill, and marvelled; hav wondered at their instinkts, and hav thought how big must be the jackass who waz satisfied to beleave that even an ant, the least ov the bugs, could hav been created, made bizzy, and sot to work by chance.
Oh, how i do pity the individual who beleaves that all things here are the work ov an acksident! He robs himself ov all plezzure on earth, and all right in Heaven.
I had rather be an ant (even a humbly, bandy-legged, profane swearing ant), than to look upon the things ov this world az i would on the throw ov the dice.
Ants are older than Adam.
Man (for very wize reasons) want bilt untill all other things were finished, and pronounced good.
If man had bin made fust he would hav insisted upon bossing the rest ov the job.
He probably would hav objekted to having enny little bizzy aunts at all, and various other objekshuns would hav bin offered, equally green.
I am glad that man waz the last thing made.
If man hadn’t hav bin made at all, you would never hav heard me find enny fault about it.
I haven’t much faith in man, not bekauze he kant do well but bekauze he wont.
Ants hav bye laws, and a constitushun, and they mean sumthing.
Their laws aint like our laws, made with a hole in them, so that a man kan steal a hoss and ride thru them on a walk.
They don’t hav enny whisky ring, that iz virtewous, simply, bekauze it hooks bi the millyun, and then legalizes its own ackts.
They don’t hav enny legislators that yu kan buy, nor enny judges, laying around on the haff shell, reddy tew be swallered.
I rather like the aunts, and think now I shall sell out mi money and real estate, and jine them.
I had rather jine them than the bulls or the bears, i like their morals better.
The bulls and the bears handle more money, it iz true, and make a grate deal more noize in Wall street, one ov them sticking his horn into a flabby piece ov Erie and tossing it up into the air, and the other ketching it when it cums down, and trampling it under hiz paws.
This may be phun for the bulls and the bears, but it iz wuss than the cholera morbust for poor Erie.
Ants never disturb Erie; yu couldn’t sell one eny Erie, enny more than you could sell one skrip on the cod-fish banks ov Nufoundland.
Ants are a honest, hard-tugging little people, but whether they marry, and giv in marriage, iz beyond my strength; but if they don’t they are no wuzz oph than they are out west (near the city of Chicago), where they marry to-day and apply for an injunkshun to-morrow; and are reddy the next day to fite it out agin on sum other line.
Wedlok out west (near the grate grain mart Chicago) iz one ov them kind ov locks that almost enny boddy kan pick.
SUM SNAIX
THE ADDER
The adder iz az spotted az a checker-board, and are very butiful tew admire at a propper distance oph.
They hav a koal blak eye, which revolves on its axis, and shines like a glass bead.
They kan be found in wet places, and are handy tew liv, both down in the water, and up on the top ov the land. They kan slip oph from an old bridge, or a log, into a mill pond, az natral, and az eazy, az a pint ov turpentine, and kno how tew swim, and wave, on the brest ov sum water like the shaddo ov the weeping willo.
They are harmless tew bight, but one adder, would spile all the bathing thare waz in a mill pond for me, when i waz a boy.
THE STRIPED SNAIK
The striped snaix is one ov the garden varietys. They inhabit door yards, and stun heaps down at the foot ov the garden, and piles ov old boards, and weedy spots, and grass generally.
They are the domestik snaik, if thare iz enny such thing, and are really az harmless az an old garter, but az full ov fraid tew almost every boddy, az a torpedo.
The fust snaix, we hav enny ackount ov much, waz the devil, surnamed bellyzebubb, who wiggled his way into the Garden of Eden, and without a single trump in hiz hand, beat our two original ansesstors, out ov joy inneffible, and glory halleluyer forever, and gave them in exchange for it sorrow without stint, and wo unutterabel. This was an unkommon poor trade for the human family. All snaiks are sneaks, and steal around on their slippry stummuks, az still, and greazy, az lamp ile.
Snaix kant stand the enkroachments ov civilizashun, the seed ov the woman iz alwus after them with a long pole, and a man, post haste for a doktor, will alwuss dismount, and hich hiz animile hoss, tew put an extra hed onto a snaix.
This kind ov treatment has alwus made snaiks raizing a dredful risky bizzness teu follow.
Out ov one thousand snaixs born annually, the staytisstix sho 930 ov them die in a grate hurry, espeshily whare churches and school houses flourish.
I don’t kno ov a more unhelthy spot in the world for a snaix teu settle down and undertaik teu bring up a family than near a distrikt school house.
Let enny body just holler “striped snaix” once, near a distrikt school house, and you will see the snaix begin teu paddle, and the young ones begin tew bile out like hornets out ov their nest, and proceed for that snaix like a flok of young turkeys for a Junebug.
Striped snaiks are about two feet and one haff in length, and about one inch in diameter, and “thareby hangs a tail.”
THE BLUE RACER
The blue racer is a Western snaik, about 6 feet in length, ov a pale blue color, and the smartest snaix, for suddenness, in the universe.
They kan run, on a unmown meaddo, as fast as ahoss, with their heds about 2 foot high, and their whole boddy bileing with muscles.
They are az harmless az a rabbit, and will run if you chase them, and then will turn and chase you, if you want them tew play “tag.”
They are froliksom cusses, but I never did hanker for sitch kind of refreshments.
They are the nicest kind ov a mark to shoot at.
Draw a fine sight on their heds when they hold up abov the turf, and let them hav one barrell ov number 6 shot, and the hed will be missing, and the ballance ov the snaix will be looking after the hed in a grate hurry, turning all sorts of back summersets and double and twisted bo knots, and hirogliphick kontortions for 20 minutes, before they make up their mind that it is safe tew die.
It is a dredful krewel sight tew see them ketch a frog, it iz alwus done on a run, and done quick, for the poor frog don’t stand enny more chance ov getting away than a chesnutt tree duz when lightning fires up, and goes for it.
They swallo the frog whole, and stik out with a frog in them like a yung purp who haz allowed a quart ov buttermilk tew find its way into him.
THE BLAK SNAIK
The blak snaix iz the only one i kno ov who kan klimb a tree without boosting, and take the yung birds out ov their nests oph from the topmost limb.
They are az handy in a tree top az a yung munkey, but are not pizon tew bight.
They hav a festive way ov choking things tew death by making a cravat ov themselfs around the thruts ov their victims.
I hav herd ov wicked children being killed in this way, but never knu a boy who tended Sunday skool regular, and who want sassy tew hiz grandfather, and who didn’t eat enny green apples, and hav the stummuk ake in consequents, to get choked bi a blak snaix.
Wicked little boys, who pla marbles on Sunday, and who say “Go up, old bald hed,” and who put kittens into tar barrels will make a note ov this.
The blak snaix iz about 5 feet in length, and sumtimes haz a white ring around hiz nek.
There iz very little poetry in snaix ov enny kind, untill they git their heds smashed, and here iz just whare the poetry comes in.
There ain’t much poetry in me, but if I waz called upon tew write an obituary notiss for the whole race ov snaix, who lay dead in one pile, i would take oph mi coat, rool up mi sleeves, and saliva mi hands, and rite sum verses that i wouldn’t be ashamed ov enny how, for i should expekt the solemnity ov the ockashun would help me out ov the skrape.
THE MILK SNAIK
The milk snaix hangs around pasture lots, and iz said tew fasten onto the udders ov the cows, and git hiz milk puntch in this underhand way.
I don’t beleave this, but in writing the biography ov snaix no man iz obliged tew tell the whole truth about them enny how.
Fish and snaix are two things that authors are apt tew consider the fackts ov when they write onto them.
I never knu a man yet, not even of fust rate judgment, if he should ketch a fish that weighed 4 pounds but would guess he weighed 6, and if he should kill a snaix that was 5 feet, and three inches long, would want tew sware he waz 14 foot long, without taking the krooks out ov him.
This iz human natur, and human natur is heavy on a marvel.
The Bible sez, “marvel not,” and altho i look upon all things in the Bible with the utmost venerashun, I hav wondered if Joner’s ketching the whale just az he did, wasn’t some kind ov authority for the fish storys ov the present daze.
If a man in theze times should ketch a whale az Joner did, he would write an ackount ov it, and travel around the kuntry and lektur onto it, and when he deskribed the size ov that whale, if a man wan’t smart in figgures, he would git a poor idea of the animile’s dimenshuns.
I never have saw a milk snaix yet, and if i phool mi life away, and don’t never see one, I don’t intend tew mourn inkonsolably about it.
I hav alreddy seen all the snaix I want to, and wouldn’t go a haff a mile from here to see all the snaix on the buzzum ov the earth unless thare waz a bonfire ov them.
Snaix ov all kinds hav got but one destiny tew fill, and Divine Providence haz fixt that; it is tew git their heds squeezed by a suitable sized pebble.
THE RACCOON, AND THE PETTYFOGGER
The Raccoon iz a resident of the United States ov America; he emigrated tew this country, soon after its diskovery by Columbus, without a cent, and nothing but hiz claws tew git a living with.
He iz one ov them kind ov persons whoze hide iz worth more than all the rest ov him.
He resides among the heavy timber, and cultivates the cornfields and nabring garden sass for sustenance, and understands hiz bizzness.
Hiz family consists ov a wife and three children, who liv with him on the inside ov a tree.
He can alwus be found at home during the day, reddy tew receive calls, but his nights are devoted tew looking after hiz own affairs.
He dresses in soft fur, and hiz tail, which iz round, haz rings on it.
Theze rings are ov the same material that the tail iz, and are worn upon all occasions.
During the winter he ties himself up into a hard not and lays down by hiz fireside.
When spring opens, he opens, and goes out tew see how the chickens hav wintered.
Hiz life iz as free from labor az a new penny, and if it wasn’t for the dogs and the rest ov mankind, the rackcoon would find what everyboddy else haz lost – a heaven upon earth.
But the dogs tree him and the men skin him, and what there iz left ov him ain’t worth a cuss.
He iz not a natral vagabond like the hedgehog and the alligator, but luvs to be civilized and liv amung folks; but he haz one vice that the smartest missionary on earth kan’t redeem, and that iz the art ov stealing.
He iz seckond only tew the crow in pettit larceny, and will steal what he kant eat, nor hide.
He will tip over a barrell ov apple sass just for the fun ov mauling the sass with his feet, and will pull out the plug out ov the mollassis, not be kause he luvs sugar enny better than he duz yung duck, but jist tew see if the mollassis haz got a good daub tew it.
I hav studdied animal deviltry for 18 years, bekause the more deviltry in an animal, the more human he iz.
I can’t find, by sarching the passenger list, that Noah had a coon on board, but i am willing tew bet 10 pound ov mutton sassage, that mister coon, and hiz wife were commuted, by stealing a ride.
I never knu a rackcoon tew want ennything long, that he could steal quick.
Ennyboddy who haz ever looked a coon, right square in the face, will bet yu a dollar, that he iz a dead beat, or under five hundred dollar bonds, not tew go into the bizzness, for the next ninety days.
I hav had tame coons by the dozzen, they are az eazy tew tame az a child, if yu take them young enuff, but i kan’t advise ennybody to cultivate coons, they want az mutch looking after, az a blind mule on a tow path, and thare aint enny more profit in them, than thar iz in a stock dividend, on the Erie Rail Road.
I never waz out ov a pet animal since I kan remember, till now, but i hav gone out ov the trade forever; lately, i diskovered, that it waz a good deal like making a whissell out ov a kats tale, ruining a comfortable tale, and reaping a kursid mean whissel.
Rackcoons liv tew be 65 years old, if they miss the sosiety ov men, and dogs enuff, but thare aint but few ov them die ov old age; the north western fur company, are the grate undertakers of the coon family.
I feel sorry for coons; for with a trifle more brains, they would make respectable pettifoggers before a justiss ov the peace; but even this would not save them from final perdishun.
Natur don’t make any mistakes, after all; she hits the bull right in the eye every time: when she wants a rackcoon with rings on hiz tale, she makes him; and when she wants a pettyfogger, she knows how tew make him, without spileing a good coon.
Pettyfoggers, no doubt, hav a destiny to fill, and they may enable a justiss ov the peace, in a cloudy day, tew know a good deal less ov the law than he otherwize would; still, for all this, if I war obliged tew pray for one or the other, I think now I should say, Giv us a leetle more coon, and a good deal less pettyfogger.
If the Raccoon would only giv his whole attenshun tew politicks, thar ain’t but few could beat him; he is at home on the stump, and menny on us, old coons, kan reckolekt how, in 1840, with nothing but a hard cider diet, he swept the country, from the north to the south pole, like a cargo ov epsom salts.
THE FEATHERED ONES
DUK
The duk is a foul. Thare aint no doubt about this – naturalists say so, and kommon sense teaches it.
They are bilt sumthing like a hen, and are an up-and-down, flat-footed job. They don’t kackle like the hen, nor kro like the rooster, nor holler like the peakok, nor scream like the goose, nor turk like the turkey; but they quack like a root dokter, and their bill resembles a vetenary surgeon’s.
They have a woven fut, and kan float on the water az natral az a sope bubble.
They are pretty mutch all feathers, and when the feathers are all removed, and their innards out, thare iz just about az mutch meat on them az thare iz on a krook-necked squash that haz gone tew seed.
Wild duks are very good shooting, and are very good to miss also, unless yu understand the bizness.
You should aim about three foot ahead ov them, and let them fly up tew the shot.
I hav shot at them all day, and got nothing but a tail-feather now and then; but this satisfied me, for i am crazy for all kind ov sport, yu know.
Thare are sum kind ov duks that are very hard tew kill, even if yu do hit them. I shot, one whole afternoon, three years ago, at sum dekoy duks, and never got one ov them. I hav never told ov this before, and hope no one will repeat it – this iz strikly confidenshall.
