Kitabı oku: «The Complete Works of Josh Billings», sayfa 11
THE HORNET
The hornet is an inflamibel bugger, sudden in hiz impresshuns and hasty in hiz conclusion, or end.
Hiz natral disposishun iz a warm cross between red pepper in the pod and fusil oil, and hiz moral bias iz, “git out ov mi way.”
They hav a long, black boddy, divided in the middle bi a waist spot, but their phisikal importance lays at the terminus ov their subburb, in the shape ov a javelin.
This javelin iz alwas loaded, and stands reddy to unload at a minnit’s warning, and enters a man az still az thought, az spry az litening, and az full ov melankolly az the toothake.
Hornets never argy a case; they settle awl ov their differences ov opinyun bi letting their javelin fly, and are az certain tew hit az a mule iz.
This testy kritter lives in congregations numbering about one hundred souls, but whether they are male and female, or conservative, or matched in bonds ov wedlock, or whether they are Mormons, and a good menny ov them klub together and keep one husband tew save expense, i dont kno nor dont kare.
I never hav examined their habits mutch, i never considered it helthy.
Hornets bild their nests whenever they take a noshun to, and seldom are disturbed, for what would it profit a man tew kill 99 hornets and hav the one hundredth one hit him with hiz javelin?
They bild their nests ov paper, without enny windows to them or back doors. They hav but one place ov admission, and the nest iz the shape ov an overgrown pine-apple, and iz cut up into just az menny bedrooms az thare iz hornets.
It iz very simple tew make a hornets nest if yu kan, but i will argue enny man 300 dollars he kant bild one that he could sell tew a hornet for half price.
Hornets are az bizzy az their second couzzins, the bee, but what they are about the lord only knows, they dont lay up enny honey, nor enny money, they seem tew be bizzy only jist for the sake ov working all the time, they are alwus in az mutch ov a hurry az tho they waz going for a doktor.
I suppose this uneazy world would grind arownd on its axletree onst in 24 hours, even if thare want enny hornets, but hornets must be good for sumthing, but i kant think now what it iz.
Thare haint been a bug made yet in vain, nor one that want a good job, thare iz ever lots ov human men loafing around black smith shops, and cider mills, all over the country, that dont seem tew be necessary for ennything but tew beg plug tobacco and swear, and steal water-melons, but yu let the cholera brake out once, and then yu will see the wisdum ov having jist sich men laying around loose, they help count.
Next tew the cockroach, who stands tew the hed, the hornet haz got the most waste stummuk, in reference tew the rest ov hiz boddy, than enny ov the insek populashun, and here iz another mistery: what on arth duz a hornet want so mutch reserve corps for.
I hav jist thought – tew carry hiz javelin in, thus you see, the more we diskover about things the more we are apt to know.
It iz alwus a good purchase tew pay out our last surviving dollar for wisdum, and wisdum iz like the misterious hens egg, it aint laid in yure hand, but iz laid away under the barn, and yu hav got tew sarch for it.
The hornet iz an unsoshall kuss, he iz more haughty than he iz proud, he iz a thorough bred bug, but hiz breeding and refinement haz made him like sum other folks i kno ov, dissatisfied with himself, and everyboddy else, too mutch good breding ackts this way sumtimes.
Hornets are long-lived – i kant state jist how long their lives are, but i kno, from instinkt and observashun, that enny kritter, be he bug or be he devil, who is mad all the time, and stings every good chance he kan git, gennerally outlives all his nabers.
The only way tew git at the exact fiteing weight ov the hornet, is tew tutch him, let him hit you once with his javelin, and you will be willing tew testify in court that sumboddy run a one-tined pitchfork into yer; and az for grit, i will state for the informashun ov thoze who haven’t had a chance tew lay in their vermin wisdum az freely az i hav, that one single hornet, who feels well, will brake up a large camp meeting!
What the hornets do for amuzement iz another question i kant answer, but sum ov the best read, and heavyest thinkers amung the naturalists say they hav target excursions, and heave their javelins at a mark; but i don’t imbibe this assershun raw, for i never knu enny boddy, so bitter at heart az the hornets are, to waste a blow.
Thare iz one thing that a hornet duz that i will giv him credit for on mi books – he alwus attends tew hiz own bizzness, and wont allow any boddy else tew attend tew it, and what he duz iz alwuz a good job, you never see them altering enny thing, if they make enny mistakes, it iz after dark, and aint seen.
If the hornets made haff az menny blunders az the men do, even with their javelins, everyboddy would laff at them.
Hornets are clear in another way, they hav found out, bi trieing it, that all they kan git in this world, and bragon, iz their vittles, and clothes, and yu never see one, standing at the corner ov a street, with a twenty-six inch face on, bekauze sum bank had run oph, and took their money with him.
In ending oph this essa, i will cum tew a stop, by concluding, that if hornets waz a leetle more pensive, and not so darned peremptory with their javelins, they might be guilty ov less wisdum, but more charity.
But yu kant alter bug natur, without spileing it for enny thing else, enny more than yu kan an elephant’s egg.
THE RABBIT
The rabbit iz a kind ov long-eard and short-taled kat, and reside for a living all over the United States ov Amerika. They are az harmless, so far az pizon is consarned, az a yung goslin.
They liv in holes in the ground, holler logs, and under brush heaps, and kan run faster and stop quicker than any 4 or 6 legged brute.
Their hind legs are twice az long and twice az fast az their fore ones, and they seem tew be bilt best for running up a hill, and backing down it. They are all colors known tew the trade, except green; green rabbits are out ov fashion.
Rabbits bile eazy, and eat soft, and are sed tew be better vittles than the kat.
I don’t kno exacktly how menny rabbits thare are in the United States now, and never expekt tew kno, for thay kan hatch out, and spred faster than the meazles.
One pair ov helthy and industrious rabbits will settle a whole township in 18 months, and begin tew emigrate into the jineing parts.
Rabbits are az eazy tew kill az a cucumber vine when it fust starts out ov the ground, and are az eazy tew ketch az a bad kold.
Rabbits hav no kunning, and but little guile; i hav kept them az pets, and konsider them just about az safe az they are useless.
Their fur iz of sum value, but they are az tender tew skin without tareing, az a biled potater.
THE POODLE
The poodle iz a small dog, with sore eyes, and hid amungst a good deal ov promiskuss hair.
They are sumtimes white for color, and their hair iz tangled all over them, like the hed ov a yung darkey.
They are kept az pets, and, like all other pets, are az stubborn az a setting hen.
A poodle iz a woman’s pet, and that makes them kind ov sakred, for whatever a woman luvs she worships.
I hav seen poodles that i almost wanted tew swop places with, but the owners ov them didn’t akt to me az tho they wanted tew trade for enny thing.
Thare iz but phew things on the face ov this earth more utterly worthless than a poodle, and yet i am glad thare iz poodles, for if thare wasn’t thare iz some people who wouldn’t hav enny objekt in living, and hav nothing tew luv.
Thare iz nothing in this world made in vain, and poodles are good for fleas.
Fleas are also good for poodles, for they keep their minds employed scratching, and almost every boddy else’s too about the house.
I never knew a man tew keep a poodle. Man’s natur iz too koarse for poodles. A poodle would soon fade and die if a man waz tew nuss him.
I don’t expekt enny poodle, but if enny boddy duz giv me one he must make up hiz mind tew be tied onto a long stick every Saturday, and be used for washing the windows on the outside.
This kind ov nussing would probably make the poodle mad, and probably he would quit, but i kant help it.
If i hav got tew keep a poodle, he haz got tew help wash the windows every Saturday. I am solid on this pint.
Bully for me.
THE PATRIDGE
The patridge iz a kind ov wild hen, and liv in the swamps, and on the hill sides that are woody.
They are verry eazy tew ketch with the hand, if yu kan git near enuff tew them tew put salt on their tale, but this iz alwus diffikult for nu beginners.
In the spring ov the year they will drum a tune with their wings on some deserted old log, and if yu draw ni unto them tew observe the musik, they will rize up, and kut a hole thru the air with a hum like a bullet.
Thare iz no burd kan beat a patridge on the wing for one hundred yards, i am authorized tew bet on this.
The patridge are a game burd, and are shot on the wing, if they are not missed.
It iz dreadful natral tew miss a patridge on the fly, especially if a tree gets in the way.
I hav hunted a grate deal for patridge, and lost a grate deal ov time at it.
The patridge lays 14 eggs, and iz az sure tew hatch all her eggs out az a cockroach iz who feels well.
When a brood ov yung patridges fust begin tew toddle about with the old bird, they look like a lot ov last year’s chestnut burs on legs.
Broiled patridge iz good if yu kan git one that waz born during the present century, but thare iz a grate menny patridge around that waz with Noah in the ark, and they are az tuff tew git the meat oph ov az a hoss shu.
But broiled patridge iz better than broiled krow, and i had rather hav broiled krow than broiled mule just for a change.
THE SNIPE
The snipe iz a gray, misterious bird, who git up out ov low, wet places quick, and git back again quick.
They are pure game, and are shot on the move.
They are az tender tew brile az a saddle rok oyster, and eat az eazy az sweetmeats.
The snipe haz a long bill (about the length ov a doktor’s) and git a living bi thrusting it down into the fat earth, and then pumping the juices out with their tounge.
I hav seen snipe so phatt that when they waz shot 50 feet in the air and phell on to the hard ground, they would split open like an egg.
This will sound like a lie to a man who never haz seen it did, but after he haz seen it did, he will feel different about it.
THE COCKROACH
The cockroach iz a bug at large.
He iz one ov the luxurys ov civilization.
He iz eazy to domestikate, yielding gracefully to ordinary kindness, and never deserting thoze who show him proper ackts ov courtesy.
We are led to beleave, upon a cluss examination ov the outward crust ov these fashionable insekts, that they are a highly successful intermarriage between the brunette pissmire, and the “artikilus bevo” or common Amerikan grasshopper.
Naturalists however differ, which iz to be lamented, for a diversity ov sentiment, upon matters so important to the peace ov mind and moral advancement ov mankind in the lump, creates distrust, and tends to sap the substrata ov all bug ethicks.
But let the learned and polite pull hair az mutch az they pleaze about the ansestral claims ov the cockroach it iz our bizzness and duty, az bug scrutinizer, tew show the critter up az we find him, without caring a single, solitary curse, who hiz grandfather or grandmother acktually waz.
Thare iz no mistaking the fackt that he iz one ov a numerous family, and that hiz attachment tew the home ov hiz boyhood, speaks louder than thunder for hiz affecktionate and unadulterated natur.
He dont leave the place he waz born at upon the slightest provocation, like the giddy and vagrant flea, or the ferocious bed bugg, and untill death, (or sum vile powder, the invenshun ov man) knocks at hiz front door, he and hiz brothers and sisters may be seen with the naked eye, ever and anon calmly climbing the white sugar bowl or running foot races between the butter plates.
How strange it iz that man, made out ov dirt, the cheapest material in market, and the most plenty, should be so determined to rid the world ov evry living bug but himself.
I dont doubt if he could hav hiz own way for six years, evry personal cockroach would be knocked off from the bosom ov the footstool, and not even a pair ov them left to repair damages with.
Such iz man!
The cockroach is born on the fust ov May and the fust ov November semiannually, and is reddy for use in fifteen days from date.
They are born from an egg, four from each egg, and consequently they are all ov them twins. There is no such thing in the annals ov natur as a single cockroach.
The maternal bug don’t sett upon the egg as the goose doth, but leaves them lie around loose, like a pint ov spilt mustard seed, and don’t seem tew care a darn whether they get ripe or not.
But I never knew a cockroach egg fail tew put in an appearance. They are as sure tew hatch out and run as Kanada thistles, or a bad kold.
The cockroach is ov tew colours, sorrel and black. They are always on the move, and kan trot, I should say, on a good track, and a good day, cluss tew three minnitts.
Their food seems tew consist, not so mutch in what they eat as what they travel, and often finding them dead in my soup at the boarding-house, I hav cum to the conclusion that a cockroach kan’t swim, but they kan float.
Naturalists hav also declared that the cockroach has no double teeth. This is an important fackt, and ought tew be introduced into all the primary school books ov Amerika.
But the most interesting feature ov this remarkable bugg is the lovelyness ov their natures. They kan’t bite nor sting, nor skratch, nor even jaw back. They are so amable that I hav even known them tew get stuck in the butter, and lay there all day, and not holler for help, and aktually die at last with a broken heart.
To realize the meekness ov theze uncomplaining little cusses, let the philosophick mind just for one moment compare them to the pesky flea, who light upon man in hiz strength and woman in her weakness like a red hot shot, or to the warbling musketo, wild from a Nujersey cat-tail marsh, with hiz dagger in hiz mouth ackeing for blood; or, horror ov horrors! to the midnight bed bugg, who creeps out ov a crack az still and az lean az a shadow, and hitches on to the bosom ov buty like a starved leech.
Every man haz a right to pick hiz playmates, but az for me, i had rather visit knee deep among cockroaches than to hear the dieing embers ov a single muskeeter’s song in the room jineing, or to know that thare waz just one bedbugg left in the world and he waz waiting for mi kandle to go out and for me to pitch into bed.
In conclusion, to show that I aint fooling, i would be willing, if I had them, to swap ten fust class fleas any time for a small sized cockroach, and if the fellow complained that I had shaved him in the trade, I would return the cockroach and sware that we waz even.
THE MULE
The mule is haf hoss and haf Jackass, and then kums tu a full stop, natur diskovering her mistake.
Tha weigh more, akordin tu their heft, than enny other kreetur, except a crowbar.
Tha kant hear enny quicker, nor further than the hoss, yet their ears are big enuff for snow shoes.
You kan trust them with enny one whose life aint worth enny more than the mules. The only wa tu keep the mules into a paster, is tu turn them into a medder jineing, and let them jump out.
Tha are reddy for use, just as soon as they will du tu abuse.
Tha haint got enny friends, and will live on huckle berry brush, with an ockasional chanse at Kanada thistels.
Tha are a modern invenshun, i dont think the Bible deludes tu them at tall.
Tha sel for more money than enny other domestik animile. Yu kant tell their age by looking into their mouth, enny more than you kould a Mexican cannons. Tha never hav no dissease that a good club wont heal.
If tha ever die tha must kum rite tu life agin, for i never herd noboddy sa “ded mule.”
Tha are like sum men, verry korrupt at harte; ive known them tu be good mules for 6 months, just tu git a good chanse to kick sumbody.
I never owned one, nor never mean to, unless thare is a United Staits law passed, requiring it.
The only reason why tha are pashunt, is bekause tha are ashamed ov themselfs.
I have seen eddikated mules in a sirkus.
Tha kould kick, and bite, tremenjis. I would not sa what I am forced tu sa again the mule, if his birth want an outrage, and man want tu blame for it.
Enny man who is willing tu drive a mule, ought to be exempt by law from running for the legislatur.
Tha are the strongest creeturs on earth, and heaviest ackording tu their sise; I herd tell ov one who fell oph from the tow path, on the Eri kanawl, and sunk as soon as he touched bottom, but he kept rite on towing the boat tu the nex stashun, breathing thru his ears, which stuck out ov the water about 2 feet 6 inches; i did’nt see this did, but an auctioneer told me ov it, and i never knew an auctioneer tu lie unless it was absolutely convenient.
BED BUGS
I never see ennybody yet but what despised Bed Bugs. They are the meanest ov aul crawling, creeping, hopping, or biteing things.
They dassent tackle a man bi dalite, but sneak in, after dark, and chaw him while he iz fast asleep.
A musketo will fight you in broad dalite, at short range, and giv you a chance tew knock in hiz sides – the flea iz a game bugg, and will make a dash at you even in Broadway – but the bed-bugg iz a garroter, who waits till you strip, and then picks out a mellow place tew eat you.
If i was ever in the habit ov swearing, i wouldn’t hesitate to damn a bed bugg right tew hiz face.
Bed bugs are uncommon smart in a small way; one pair ov them will stock a hair mattrass in 2 weeks, with bugs enuff tew last a small family a whole year.
It don’t do enny good to pray when bed bugs are in season; the only way tew git rid ov them iz tew bile up the whole bed in aqua fortis, and then heave it away and buy a new one.
Bed buggs, when they hav grone aul they intend to, are about the size ov a bluejay’s eye, and hav a brown complexion, and when they start out to garrote are az thin az a grease spot, but when they git thru garroting they are swelled up like a blister.
It takes them 3 days tew git the swelling out ov them.
If bed buggs have enny destiny to fill, it must be their stummuks; but it seems tew me that they must hav bin made by acksident, jist az slivvers are, tew stick into sumboddy.
If they waz got up for sum wise purpose, they must hav took the wrong road, for there kant be enny wisdum in chawing a man aul night long, and raising a family, besides, tew foller the same trade.
If there iz sum wisdum in aul this, I hope the bed buggs will chaw them folks who kan see it, and leave me be, bekause i am one ov the hereticks.
THE FLEA
The smallest animal ov the brute creashun, and the most pesky, iz the Flea.
They are about the bigness ov an onion seed, and shine like a bran new shot.
They spring from low places, and kan spring further and faster than enny ov the bug-brutes.
They bite wuss than the musketoze, for they bite on a run; one flea will go aul over a man’s subburbs in 2 minnitts, and leave him az freckled az the meazels.
It iz impossible to do ennything well with a flea on you, except sware, and fleas aint afraid ov that; the only way iz tew quit bizzness ov aul kinds and hunt for the flea, and when you have found him, he ain’t thare. Thiz iz one ov the flea mysterys, the fackulty they hav ov being entirely lost jist as soon as you hav found them.
I don’t suppose thare iz ever killed, on an average, during enny one year, more than 16 fleas, in the whole ov the United States ov America, unless thare iz a cazualty ov sum kind. Once in a while thare iz a dogg gits drowned sudden, and then thare may be a few fleas lost.
They are about az hard to kill az a flaxseed iz, and if you don’t mash them up az fine az ground pepper they will start bizzness agin, on a smaller kapital, jist az pestiverous az ever.
Thare iz lots ov people who have never seen a flea, and it takes a pretty smart man tew see one ennyhow; they don’t stay long in a place.
If you ever ketch a flea, kill him before you do ennything else; for if you put it oph 2 minnits, it may be too late.
Menny a flea haz past away forever in less than 2 minnits.
