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PASHUNCE OV JOB

Evryboddy iz in the habit ov bragging on Job, and Job did hav konsiderable bile pashunce, that’s a fac, but did he ever keep a distrik skule for 8 dollars a month, and borde ’round?

Did he ever reap lodged oats down hill in a hot da, and hav all hiz gallus buttons bust oph at once?

Did he ever hav the jumpin teethake, and be made tu tend baby while hiz wife was over tu Perkinses tu a tea squall?

Did he ever git up in the morning awful dri and turf it 3 miles befoar brekfast tu git a drink, and find that the man kep a tempranse hous?

Did he ever undertaik tu milk a kicking hefer with a bushy tail, in fli time, out in a lot?

Did he ever sot down onto a litter ov kittens in the old rockin cheer, with hiz summer pantyloons on without saing “damnashun!”

If he cud du all theze things, and praze the Lord at the same time, all i hav got tu sa, iz, Bully for Job!

Friday. – Visited mi washwoman, and blowed her up for sewing ruffles and tucks onto the bottom ov mi drawers. She was thunderstruck at fust, but explained the mystery by saying, “she had sent me a pair, by mistake, that belonged to * * * *;” I blushed like a biled lobster, and told her she couldn’t be too keerful about such things; i might hav bin ruined for life.

THE GAME OF YEWKER

This ill-bred game ov kards is about 27 years old.

It was fust diskovered by the deck hands on a lake Erie steam Boat, and handed down by them tew posterity in awl its juvenile beauty.

It is generally played by 4 persons and owes mutch ov its absorbingness tew the fackt that yu kan talk, and drink, and chaw, and cheat while the game is advancing.

I have seen it played on the Hudson River Railroad, in the smoking cars, with more immaculate skill than ennywhare else.

If yu play thare, yu will often hold a hand that will astonish you, quite often 4 queens and a 10 spot, which will inflame you to bate 7 or 8 dollars that it is a good hand tew play poker with; but you will be more astonished when you see the other feller’s hand, which invariably consists ov 4 kings and a one spot.

Yewker is a mollatto game, and don’t compare tew old sledge in majesty, enny more than the game ov pin does to a square church raffle.

I never play yewker.

I never would learn how, out ov principle.

I was originally created cluss to the Connektikut line, in Nu England, whare the game ov 7 up, or old sledge, was born, and exists now in awl its pristine virginity.

I play old sledge, tew this day, in its natiff fierceness.

But I won’t play enny game, if I know my charakter whare a jack will take an ace, and a ten spot won’t count game.

I won’t play no such kind ov a game, out ov respekt to old Connekticut, mi natiff place.

BEER

I hav finally com tew the konclusion, that lager beer iz not intoxikatin.

I hav been told so bi a german, who sed he had drank it aul nite long, just tew tri the experiment, and was obliged tew go home entirely sober in the morning. I hav seen this same man drink sixteen glasses, and if he was drunk, he was drunk in german, and noboddy could understand it. It iz proper enuff tew state, that this man kept a lager-beer saloon, and could have no object in stating what want strictly thus.

I beleaved him tew the full extent ov mi ability. I never drank but 3 glasses ov lager beer in mi life, and that made my hed untwist, as tho it was hung on the end ov a string, but i was told that it was owing tew my bile being out ov place, and I guess that it was so, for I never biled over wuss than i did when I got home that nite. Mi wife was afrade i was agoing tew die, and i was almoste afrade i shouldn’t, for it did seem az tho evrything i had ever eaten in mi life, was cuming tew the surface, and i do really beleave, if mi wife hadn’t pulled oph mi boots, just az she did, they would have cum thundering up too.

Oh, how sick i was! it was 14 years ago, and i kan taste it now.

I never had so much experience, in so short a time.

If enny man should tell me that lager beer was not intoxikating, i should beleave him; but if he should tell me that i want drunk that nite, but that my stummuk was only out ov order, i should ask him tew state over, in a few words, just how a man felt and akted when he was well set up.

If i want drunk that nite, i had sum ov the moste natural simptoms a man ever had, and keep sober.

In the fust place, it was about 80 rods from whare i drank the lager, tew my house, and i was over 2 hours on the road, and had a hole busted thru each one ov mi pantaloon kneeze, and didn’t hav enny hat, and tried tew open the door by the bell-pull, and hickupped awfully, and saw evrything in the room tryin tew git round onto the back side ov me, and in setting down onto a chair, i didn’t wait quite long enuff for it tew git exactly under me, when it was going round, and i sett down a little too soon, and missed the chair by about 12 inches, and couldn’t git up quick enuff tew take the next one when it cum, and that ain’t aul; mi wife sed i waz az drunk az a beast, and az i sed before, i begun tew spit up things freely.

If lager beer iz not intoxikating, it used me almighty mean, that i kno.

Still i hardly think lager beer iz intoxikating, for i hav been told so, and i am probably the only man living, who ever drunk enny when hiz bile want plumb.

I don’t want tew say ennything against a harmless tempranse bevridge, but if i ever drink enny more it will be with mi hands tied behind me, and mi mouth pried open.

I don’t think lager beer iz intoxikating, but if i remember right, i think it tastes to me like a glass with a handle on one side ov it, full ov soap suds that a pickle had bin put tew soak in.

LAUGHING

It never haz been proved, that enny ov the animal kreation hav attempted tew laff, (we are quite certain that none hav succeded;) thus this deliteful episode and pleasant power appears tew be entirely within the province ov humans.

It iz the language ov infancy – the eloquense ov childhood, – and the power tew laff is the power to be happy.

It is becoming tew awl ages and conditions; and (with the very few exceptions, sakred tew sorrow) an honest, hearty laff iz always agreeable and in order.

It iz an index ov karakter, and betrays sooner than words. – Laffing keeps oph sickness, and haz conquered az menny diseases az ever pills have, and at mutch less expense. – It makes flesh, and keeps it in its place. It drives away weariness and brings a dream ov sweetness tew the sleeper. – It never iz covetous. – It ackompanys charity, and iz the handmaid ov honesty. – It disarms revenge, humbles pride, and iz the talisman ov kontentment. – Sum have kalled it a weakness – a substitute for thought, but really it strengthens wit, and adorns wisdum, invigorates the mind, gives language ease, and expreshun elegance. – It holds the mirror up tew beauty; it strengthens modesty, and makes virtew heavenly.

It iz the light ov life; without it we should be but animated ghosts.

It challenges fear, hides sorrow, weakens despair, and carries haff ov poverty’s bundles. – It costs nothing, comes at the call, and leaves a brite spot behind. – It iz the only index ov gladness, and the only buty that time kannot effase. – It never grows old; it reaches from the cradle clear tew the grave.

Without it, love would be no pashun, and fruition would show no joy. – It iz the fust and the last sunshine that visits the heart; it was the warm welkum ov Eden’s lovers, and was the only capital that sin left them tew begin bizzness with outside the Garden ov Paradise.

THE ADVENT NO. 2

The seckund adventists, and adventisses, are a people ov slo growth, but remarkabel vigor and grate endurance. They have been to work, with both hands, for about thirty years, to mi knowledge, in bringing this world tew her milk; and tho often outfigured in the arithmetick ov events, they rub out the slate, and begin agin.

Like all other moral enthusiasts for right or wrong, they tap the bible for their nourishment, and several times, so they say, hav only missed in their kalculations, but about two inches, which iz mighty cluss for so big a thing.

The time haz bin sott, at least a dozen times since i hav bin an inhabitant in this country, and when i waz a boy, az tender, and az green az celery, i kan rekolekt with mi memory, ov having awful palpitations in the naberhood ov the knee-pans, upon one ov the eventful days, and crawled under the barn, not to be in the way.

But az i grew older – if i didn’t gro enny wizer – I had the satisfackshun ov growing bigger, and more less afrade ov advents.

I cum tew the konklusion, sum time since, that Divine Providence treated the world, without enny ov the succor or scientifick attainments ov man, and he probably would be able to destroy it in the same way.

I hav alwus thought, judgeing from what little i hav bin able tew pick, that waz lieing around loose, ov man’s internal natur, thet if the world hadn’t bin bilt, before man waz, he probably wouldn’t hav bin satizfied if he couldn’t hav put in hiz lip.

Man iz an uneazy kritter, and luvs tew tell how things ought tew be bilt and haz got jist impudence enuff tew offer his valuable services tew the Lord espeshily in the way ov advice.

Now I am confidently ov the opinyun that the world will sumtime be knocked out ov time; it hain’t got the least partickle ov immotality about it, that I hav bin able tew diskover, it iz az certain tew di az man iz, and i think enny boddy, who will take slate, and pencil, and straddle a chair calmly, and cypher out the earth’s death to day, iz no wizer; nor less imprudent and wicked, than if he figgured on hiz nabors phunneral, and then blabbed it all around town.

The bible that i was brought up on, sez: “that the son of man cometh like a thief in the night,” and evry boddy knows, that the fust intimashun we hav ov a thief’s visit iz, that he haz been here, and left.

Thare iz a large share ov the students, in the secund advent dokter stuff, that are pupils ov pitty, they cum into this world, not only naked, but without enny brains, nor enny place suitable tew put enny, the fust bizzness, ov enny consequence they do, iz to begin to wonder, and it ain’t long before the phool nuss picks them up, and givs them a stiddy job.

This iz the way the common adventer iz made, and if he aint a stool pidgeon for life in the second advent speckulashun, he iz in sum other cuming thing, with a hole in the bottom ov it, for enny man who iz eazy to phool, loves to be phooled.

The fust originators ov phalse doktrines, are most alwus dupes tew their own ignorance, but if the doctrine seems tew he a hit, then yu will see men ov brains, who ought tew be ashamed ov sich wickedness, take the masheen bi the crank, and run it.

I dont know whether Mr. Miller waz the inventor ov this seckond advent abortion or not, but if he waz, i will bet a haff pint ov peenuts, and pay whether i win or lose, that he waz a phatt, lazy old simpleton who lived on a back road, az ignorant ov the bible az a kuntry hoss doktor iz ov medicin.

I am alwus reddy tew pitty, and forgiv a phool, espeshily when he dont step on enny boddy but himself.

Thare iz one thing about theze enthusiasts that iz phair, and rather remarkable for humbuggers, they destroy themselfs, az well az the rest ov us, at the same pop.

Mi opinyun iz, if the worl should consent tew cum tew an end, to suit their reckoning, they would be az skared a sett ov carpet-baggers, az yu could find, and be the fust ones to say, that the figgures had lied.

I am willing tew dubble mi haff pint bet ov peenuts, and make it a pint, that thare aint a Millerite now living, nor ever agoing tew liv, whom yu could git tew take 87 1-2 cents in change for a dollar greenback, or who would giv a dubble price for a breakfasst, on the morning ov the day that iz sott for the worlds destrukshun.

Enthusiasm, and seckond adventism, iz cheap, but a dollar iz wuth the face ov it.

Oh! impudence, whare iz thy sting! Oh! pholly, whare iz thy viktory!

QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS

Qu. – How fast will the “come-ing man” probably travel?

Ans. – It iz unpossibul tew say, but if he kant beat 2:25, he’d better stay whare he is, for there is no glory left for a slow cuss, in these parts, but to run foot races with the crab family.

Qu. – What are yure centiments in regard tew southern rekonstrukshun?

Ans. – In mi opinyun, the best kind ov rekonstrukshun for the South, iz to be born agin.

Qu. – What iz the most karniverous animal?

Ans. – Death.

Qu. – What iz the eaziest thing tew digest?

Ans. – A good joke.

Qu. – Do yu think that females kan ever praktiss medicine suckcessfully?

Ans. – Whi not! they kan beat the world bleeding a pocket book.

Qu. – Iz thare ennything that iz proof against ridikule?

Ans. – Nothing that i kno ov, except fashion, and musketoze.

Qu. – Iz it proper tew speak tew a lady acquaintance in the street fust, or last?

Ans. – I should think fust, for they tell me that wimmin will hav the last word.

Qu. – Who are the only real temperance folks in the world?

Ans. – The Greenlanders, whiskey never thaws out thare.

Qu. – Iz it proper under enny circumstances tew use the word Damn as a tonick?

Ans. – It might possibly be proper, in speaking ov a river that waz dry eleven months in the year, to state carefully that it wasn’t worth a dam.

Qu. – What iz one ov the principal dutys we owe to our country?

Ans. – The customs.

Qu. – Dew you beleave in the mirakel ov Pharaoh and hiz hosts, being drank up by the Red see?

Ans. – I do; and i would like tew see the same old mirakel tried over agin ov faro and hiz hosts, in New York city.

Qu. – Which do yu konsider the most general pashun ov the humin heart?

Ans. – The luv ov applauze; it sticks tew evryboddy during life, and repeats itself on the tumestun.

Qu. – If yu waz blest! with a boy, which ov the lernt profeshions would yu dedikate him to?

Ans. – The shumakers.

Qu. – Iz thare enny rule to obtain long life?

Ans. – Only one; liv virtuously; a good life, if ever so short, kasts a lengthning shaddo back upon time, and forward into eternity.

Qu. – Which do yu kount the happyest time in a man’s life?

Ans. – Immediately after he haz did a square thing.

Qu. – Is whiskee a tonick?

Ans. – No, it iz an alterative; it alters dollars into pence, and men into bruits.

Qu. – Iz revenge a viktory?

Ans. – Kill a hornet after he haz stung yu, and see if the wound heals enny quicker.

Qu. – Don’t you think that nearly awl the shrewd sayings and snug fitting maxims, in support ov morality, and for the scourgeing ov vice and pholly are simply a rehash ov what haz been written long ago bi the ancients?

Ans. – I do, but that iz no argument aginst their reputation; thare iz just az mutch use for phisick now az thare was when kaster ile waz fust invented.

Qu. – What is the difference between a mistake and a blunder?

Ans. – When a man sets down a poor umbrella and takes up a good one he makes a mistake, but when he sets down a good umbrella and takes up a poor one he makes a blunder.

Qu. – If i couldn’t hav but one thing, what dew yu think it would be?

Ans. – Kontentment, for with that i could buy awl the rest.

Qu. – Which do yu think iz the best representative man, the lively or the sorry Christian?

Ans. – Thare aint nothing in mi praktiss so hard tew judge ov az pius heft, but i don’t think the Lord ever takes the length of a man’s face for a suit of heavenly clothes; he measures the soul.

Qu. – What iz the best cure for love?

Ans. – Tew liv on it.

Qu. – What iz the best cure for pride?

Ans. – A fall on the ice before folks.

Qu. – What iz a sik old bachelor like?

Ans. – A cocoon.

Qu. – What iz an excuse?

Ans. – The finesse ov reason.

Qu. – What iz the difference between Saratoga and Long Branch?

Ans. – At Saratoga it iz to go in full dress; at Long Branch it iz to undress and go in.

Qu. – Where do the vain go tew when they die?

Ans. – A barber’s shop.

LONG BRANCH, SARATOGA, AND LAKE GEORGE

Theze three places are wet spots.

I visited them all during the past seazon, and kant be mistaken about this.

Upon my arrival at Long Branch, i commenced at once tew drink the water, but it did not answer mi expektashun.

I like lemonade, and milk puntch, and sum sider, but mineral water aint mi fort.

I think the water at Long Branch iz too psalt.

I noticed that most ov the people went out into the water sum ways from the shore, the water may taste more fresh out thare.

I laid down on mi flat stummuk, cluss tew the edge ov the water, and drank sum.

But the folks that waz out in the water got on a frolik, and pushed the water into the shore so mutch that it went all over me.

This waz looked upon az kussid smart, and every boddy laffed.

I did not see enny thing phunny in it, and so i didn’t laff.

The water at Long Branch iz verry plenty, and will last for menny years to cum, if they are saving ov it. They told me that the water at Long Branch waz good for the fidgit, and the conipshun.

I think if the water waz strained, and the mineral got out ov it, i might worry down sum ov it.

I took a jug ov the water home, and tried it on mi aunt, who haz a fidgit once in a while, but she didn’t hanker for it but once.

I sent a vial ov it tew our minister, and the next Sunday hiz text waz, “if psalt has lost its saver, whare shall it be psalted.”

While i waz at Long Branch i think thare waz more than a millyun ov people cum and went, and i didn’t hear one ov them find enny phalt with the taste ov the water.

I shall go down thare next spring early, and stay thare till i learn how tew like the water.

While at Long Branch i put up at the Continental hotel, which iz handy to the water.

This hotel is 7 hundred feet long, and one hundred and sixty-five feet thick, and the water iz lokated just about in front ov the middle ov the hotel.

The landlord ov this hotel iz a very clever phellow, and told me he had kept the house 5 years, and couldn’t drink the water yet with mutch suckcess.

His name iz W. H. Borrows, and i reckomend him to all who are in search ov a landlord.

I went from Long Branch to Saratoga immejiately and begun to drink.

I don’t think the water at Saratoga iz so mineral az at Long Branch.

I staid at Saratoga four weeks, and worked away at the water all the time.

The more i drinkt, the less i wanted to.

The water ain’t so numerous at Saratoga, az it iz at Long Branch, and that iz the reason whi they bottle it.

I stopt at the Grand Union Hotel while at Saratoga, and noticed several people thare.

This hotel iz kept by the Lelands, and iz kept just az i should keep hotel, if i waz a going tew keep one.

I always thought it waz dredful easy to keep a good hotel, and after staying 4 weeks at the Grand Union I know it iz.

The clerks at this hotel are a hansum set ov phellows and they all told me they knew how to drink the water.

I shall cum here next summer and stop at this same hotel, if they will let me, and i shall keep comeing year after year, until i learn how to finally drink the water.

From Saratoga i went to Lake George.

I went by the Adirondax ralerode, and found it a most delitesum route, besides being mutch the cheapest.

One reason ov this waz bekauze the superintendant ov the rode presented me with a pass to go and cum.

I kan say to all who are going to Lake George to drink the waters, yu had better go by the Adirondax route yu will git less dust and more shade; yu will find good stages, jolly drivers, kind agents, and just az like az not, a free pass for yourself and wife.

I reached Lake George in time to drink before dinner, and couldn’t taste enny psalt in the water.

I waz suprized at this, and concluded i had injured mi taste.

I tried the water the next morning, and found them still unsalty, and paid mi bill, and left.

The landlord asked me, with tears in hiz eyes, what waz the matter, and i whispered in hiz ear that the water lakt psalt.

He begged mi pardon, and offered tew fix sum for me.

I left Lake George with the firm convikshun that the water iz too fresh tew be proffitable.

Sumthing was sed tew me about the scenery around Lake George being so fine; but i didn’t go for scenery, i went for water.

After spending eleven weeks ov pure, unspekeled happiness, i find miself at hum agin, feeling like a birde, but a leetle water-soaked.

I shall start in a phew days for Utaw, and shall spend the winter thare, and praktiss on the waters.

I am told that the waters at psalt lake are more substanshall tew drink than enny others.

I shall visit Brigham Young while i am thare, and study pollygamy.

If pollygamy iz a blessing, the quicker we all find it out the better.