Kitabı oku: «The Complete Works of Josh Billings», sayfa 30
SUM VEGETABEL HISTORY
The strawberry is one ov natur’s sweet pets.
She makes them worth fifty cents, the fust she makes, and never allows them tew be sold at a mean price.
The culler ov the strawberry iz like the setting sun under a thin cloud, with a delicate dash of the rain bo in it; its fragrance iz like the breath ov a baby, when it fust begins tew eat wintergreen lossingers; its flavor is like the nektar which an old-fashioned goddess used tew leave in the bottom ov her tumbler, when Jupiter stood treat on Mount Ida.
There iz menny breeds ov this delightful vegetable, but not a mean one in the whole lot.
I think i have stole them, laying around loose, without enny pedigree, in sumboddy’s tall grass, when I waz a lazy schoolboy, that eat dredful easy, without enny white sugar on them, and even a bug occasionally mixed with them in the hurry of the moment.
Cherrys are good, but they are too mutch like sucking a marble, with a handle tew it.
Peaches are good, if yu don’t git enny ov the pin-feathers into yure lips.
Watermelons will suit ennyboddy who iz satisfied with halfsweetened drink; but the man who can eat strawberrys besprinkled with crushed shuggar, and besmattered with sweet cream, (at sumboddy else’s expense), and not lay hiz hand on hiz stummuk, and thank the author ov strawberrys and stummuks, iz a man with a worn-out conscience – a man whose mouth tastes like a hole in the ground, that don’t care what goes down it.
* * * * * * * *
NEW ASHFORD
The village ov New Ashford iz lokated in the state ov Massachusetts, and iz about 150 miles west ov Plymouth rok.
It iz one ov them towns that dont make enny fuss, but for pure water, pure morals, and good rye, and injun bread, it stands on tiptoze.
It waz settled soon after the landing ov the pilgrims, bi sum ov that party, and like all the Nu England towns, waz, at one time, selebrated for its stern religious creed, and its excellent rum and tanzy.
It may seem a leetle strange, tew these latter day saints, tew hear me mix up rum and religion together, but i had an Unkle, who preached God’s word in the next town south ov New Ashford, 80 years ago, who died in due time, and went to heaven.
This genial old saint alwus took, on week daze, three magnificent horns ov rum and tanzy, and Sundaze he took four.
I hav no doubt it lengthened out hiz time, and braced up hiz faith.
But i wouldn’t advise enny ov the yung klergy ov to-day tew meddle with rum and tanzy, az a fertilizer.
The tanzy iz all rite – it grows az green and az bitter az ever; for man kant adulturate it, but the rum haz bin bedeviled into rank pizon.
One sich horn az mi old unkle used tew absorb between hiz sermons on Sunday (5 inches, good and strong) would disfranchise a whole drove ov preachers now.
In them daze, the preacher waz a stalwart man, and could mo his swarth in the hay field, with the best ov them, and could ride a hard trotting cob or a hoss, 6 miles an hour, all day, akrost the mountains, and set doun at night, to biled pork and kabbage, and kold injun puddin, and after thanking the Lord for his menny mersys, eat hiz way klean to the middle ov the table.
But times, and men, hav altered, and so haz rum and tanzy.
I dont want them good old times tew cum back agin, we aint pure enuff now tew stand them, neither are we tuff enuff.
Our virtews may be az pure in the eyes ov heaven, but they kant stand the biled pork, and rum, ov one hundred years ago.
We are told that mankind are growing weaker and wizer; weaker i admit, but wisdum that is gained at the expense ov simplicity may be a doubtful gain.
I never hav met an old man yet, who didn’t mourn the degeneracy ov the times.
Wisdum don’t konsist in knowing more that iz new, but in knowing less that iz false.
But, dear Mr. – , i will now git back tew whare i am, and tell yu sumthin about New Ashford.
If yu luv a mountain, cum up here and see me.
Right in front ov the little tavern, whare i am staying, rizes up a chunk ov land, that will make yu feel weak tew look at it.
I hav bin on its top, and far above waz the brite blu ski, without a kloud swimming in it, while belo me the rain shot slanting on the valley, and the litening played its mad pranks.
How is this for hi?
But what a still place this New Ashford iz.
At sunrize the roosters crow all around, once apiece; at sunset the cows cum hollering home tew be milked; and at twilite out steal the krickets, with a song, the burden ov which seems sad and weary.
This iz all the racket thare iz in New Ashford. It iz so still here that you can hear a feather drop from a blujay’s tail.
Out ov this mountain, squeezed bi the weight ov it, leaks a little brook ov water, and up and down this brook each day i loiter.
In mi hand i hav a short pole, on the end ov the pole a short line, on the line a sharp hook, looped on the hook a grub, or a worm.
Every now and and then thare cums dancing out ov this little brook a live trout no longer than yure finger, but az sweet az a stick ov kandy, and in he goes at the top ov mi baskit.
This iz what i am here for; trout for breakfast, trout for dinner and trout for supper.
I am az happy and az lazy az a yerling heifer.
I hav not a kare on mi mind, not an ake in mi boddy.
I haven’t read a nuzepaper for a week, and wouldn’t read one for a dollar.
I shall stay here till mi munny givs out, and shall cum bak tew the senseless crash ov the city, with a tear in mi eye, and holes in both ov mi boots.
This world iz phull ov fun, but most pholks look too hi for it.
On one side ov this mountain they say thare iz rattlesnaix, on that side of the mountain, iz whare i dont go.
I am just az fraid ov a snaix as a woman iz, i had rather meet the devil, ennytime, on a bust, than a three foot snaik. A striped snaik in the morning spiles the rest ov that day for me.
I am coming home, dear Friends in two months, and then i will set down, in yure little sanktum, and whisper to you.
It iz so still here, that a whisper sounds loud; a still noize iz another name, i beleave, for happiness. The bible sez: “peace, be still.”
The fust thing i do in the morning, when i git up, iz tew go out and look at the mountain, and see if it iz thare, if this mountain should go away, how lonesum i should be.
Yesterday i picked one quart ov field strawberrys, kaught 27 trout, and gathered a whole parcell ov wintergreen leaves, a big daze work.
When i got home last night tired, no man kould hav bought them ov me for 700 dollars, but i suppoze, after all, that it waz the tired that waz wuth the munny.
Thare is a grate deal ov raw bliss, in gitting tired.
Dear Mr. – , good-bye, it iz now 9 clok, P. M., and every thing, in New Ashford, iz fast asleep, inkluding the krickets, I will just step out and see if the mountain iz thare, and then I will go to bed too.
Oh! the bliss ov living up in New Ashford, cluss bi the side ov a grate giant mountain tew guard yu, whare every thing iz az still as a boys tin whissell at midnite, a musketo couldn’t liv long enuff tew take one bite, whare board iz only 4 dollars a week, and everyboddy, kats and all, at 9 clok, P. M., are fast asleep, and snoreing.
BENDS
Historians and biographers having refused tew giv enny transparent account ov the various Bends that hav got into things, us naturalists have passed a resolushun tew take them up az a kind ov estrays, and tew treat of them in a joyful and flexible manner.
The most butiful, az well az truest bilt Bend, in this grate republick, iz the rainbow.
For the informashun ov the scholler we shall simply state that this Bend iz only seen in the east, and haz not yet reached the west, altho the enterprising people who liv in thoze parts undoubtedly will soon hav them, on a mutch bigger and improved plan.
Bends are both natral and artyfishall, and among the natral ones it will, perhaps, be well enuff tew menshun north Bend, in the State ov Ohio, the home ov General Harrison, formerly a President ov the grate republick; and also south Bend, in the State ov Indiana, the residence ov Schuyler Colfax, who, while i am putting down these remarks, iz running very fast for the Vice Presidency ov this grate republick with a certainty ov winning that iz butiful tew behold.
(Later – He haz won.)
Another wonderful and awe-inspiring Bend in this grate republick is the political Bend.
This Bend iz az common and az limber az the figger 8.
It kan stand on her hed, or on her feet, or lay down on her side, and be the same thing all the time.
It kan turn a summerset over backwards, or back a summersett over forwards.
Menny ov our most noble pollyticians hav bent theirselfs in diffrent spots so often that they travel like a sick snake.
Thare iz one little Bend, prakticed bi both old and young men, that haz opened the way for more anguish than awl the other crooks in the world put in a heap together, i mean the elbo Bend, that cauzes the mout tew fly apart on its hinges, and let the burglar whiskee tew rob the brain ov its patrimony reazon, and illuminate the soul with the torchlights ov the devil.
In life matrimonial we hav the conjugaler Bend, which brings a man down on the hard pan ov hiz knees, and makes him az eazy, and interesting tew handle as a rat in a steel trap.
This iz a good Bend tew take once in a while, but never ought tew git chronick.
This puts me in mind tew soliliquize az follows: – a household, with a woman at the top ov it, and a man at the bottom ov it, iz one ov thoze concerns whare the wife haz authority without power, whare the yung ones are sassy without reproach, and whare the husband iz meek without virtew.
In fashionabel life a new Bend haz just appeared, (August 19th, 1868,) which iz under the patronage ov both genders, the fop and the belle.
This iz a dorsal Bend near the back fin, and gives the wearers ov it, when in moshun, the appearance ov a hen turkey making for a woodshed in a heavy shower ov rain.
I kno ov no meaning or apology for this crook, only the name ov it, it iz called the Grecian Bend, which iz expekted tew sanktify it.
I don’t kno how the present inhabitants ov Greece do their travelling; they are about played out, and may be hump backed. But if Solan, the ancient wisdom maker and law-giver ov Athens, had caught one ov hiz gals with this gorge in her back, i will bet 10 dollars he would hav ordered it taken oph with a jack-plane.
How long this knapsack gait will continnew to be fashionabel in New York, the home ov folly, whare just now it iz being experimented with, i am unabel tew reply, but i hope not long enuff tew transmit the hump tew posterity.
I love mi fair yung countrywimmin with a gladness bordering on delirium tremens, and when a native ov Madagascar, not more than haff civilized, asked me the other day, on Broadway, what ailed all the yung squaws he met, i waz forced tew hide a tear, and reply hurriedly, in lo Duch:
“Nix for stix!” and shook oph the Madagaskine cuss quick.
I don’t know ov but one thing now that but few would hanker for, if it should ever bekum fashionabel again, and that iz good, square, pony-bilt common sense, without enny Bend in it.
Common sense in these times haz tew beg for a living.
What an awful thing it would be if this Grecian Bend should refuse tew let go its holt, by-and-by, when sum nu crook in sum other part ov the boddy should hump itself! What a lot ov unsaleable females we should hav thrust on the market!
I am in favour ov enny fashion that iz not an open insult tew natur, but i kant bear tew see natur hit in the small ov the back; it iz a cowardly blow on an aimabel critter, whose greatest pleasure iz tew harm noboddy.
KOLIDING
The wurd “kolide,” used bi ralerode men, haz an indefinit meaning tew menny folks.
Thru the kindness of a nere and dear frend, i am able tew translate the wurd so that enny man kan understand it at onst.
The term “kolide” is used tew explain the sarkumstanse ov 2 trains ov cars triing tew pass each uther on a single trak.
It is ced that it never yet haz bin did suckcessfully, hence a “kolide.”
Josh Billings.
* * * * * * * *
Amerikans love caustick things; they would prefer turpentine tew colone-water, if they had tew drink either.
So with their relish of humor; they must hav it on the half-shell with cayenne.
An Englishman wants hiz fun smothered deep in mint sauce, and he iz willing tew wait till next day before he tastes it.
If you tickle or convince an Amerikan yu hav got tew do it quick.
An Amerikan luvs tew laff, but he don’t luv tew make a bizzness ov it; he works, eats, and hawhaws on a canter.
I guess the English hav more wit, and the Amerikans more humor.
We havn’t had time, yet, tew bile down our humor and git the wit out ov it.
Having herd mutch sed about skating parks, and the grate amount ov helth and muscle they woz imparting tew the present generashun at a slite advanse from fust cost, i bought a ticket and went within the fense.
I found the ice in a slippery condishun, covering about 5 akers ov artifishall water, which waz owned bi a stock company, and froze tew order.
Upon one side ov the pond waz erekted little grosery buildings, where the wimmen sot on benches while the fellers (kivvered with blushes) hitched the magick iron tew their feet.
It waz a most exsiting scene: the sun waz in the skey – and the wind waz in the air – and the birds were in the South – and the snow waz on the ground – and the ice lay shivering with a bad kold – and angells (ov both genders) flucktuated past me pro and con, 2 and fro, here a little and thare a good deal.
It waz a most exsiting scene; I wanted tew holler “Bully” or lay down and rool over.
But i kept in, and aked with glory.
Helth waz piktured on menny a nobell brow.
Az the femail angells put out ov the pond, side by side with the male angells, it waz the most powerfull scene i ever stood behind.
The long red tape from their necks swum in the breeze, and the feathers in their jockeys fluttered in the breeze and other things (tew mutch to menshun) fluttered in the breeze.
I don’t think i ever waz more crazy before in mi life – on ice.
For 2 long hours i stood and gazed with dum exsitement.
I felt like a kanall hoss turned suddinly out to grass.
I didn’t kno how tew proceed.
Az one ov the angells, more sudden than all the rest, cum flying down the trak, 3 lengths ahed ov her male angell, awl eyes ware gorging with her heavenly bust ov speed; she seemed tew hav cut luce from earth, and waz bound South, for the Cape ov Good Hope, when awl tew onst, with gorgous swoop terriffick, down-crumbling into a limpid heap she went with squeak terriffick, a living lovely mass ov disastrous skirt and tapring ankle.
Awl gathered around the bursted angell; but lo! in a minnitt’s space, her wings agin was plumed, and evry feather waz in its lawful plase; and on she fled laffing like wine thru its buteous blushes.
I had saw enuff – more happyness than belonged tew me – and az i sloly wended back tew mi home at the tavern i felt – good. —
WRITERS AT SHORT RANGE
Dear Mr. – : Your letter to me this morning for more copy haz given birth to the follering home made refleckshuns upon thoze short skribblers, who, like miself, infest the virtewous press.
It may look like an eazy task tew thoze who never tried it, tew write a half a collum ov comik essa each week, and it iz an eazy task to thoze who never tried it, but to thoze who hav tried it, and who hav even suckceeded but a few inches, it iz a good deal like lifting things that are tied down.
In the first place a comik essa must hav a short back, be sharp on the withers, not tew long legged, kind in all harness, hard to skare, and able to show 2:40 to a road waggon.
The power ov a comik essa resides in its idea, either original or admirably stolen, not in its words, strung out lazily like a snake sunning himself in the sand.
It iz no place for yure short essayer to hide among the debris ov abstrakted thoughts, or skulk behind a flame colored paragraff, or doze in recital upon an ebb tide, or hammer out an iron proposishun into points more or less dull, or quote latin, or bad french, but he must be az short az a nuzeboy’s prayer, az sudden az the end ov a rope, az quick az a sneeze, and az brilliant in hiz busts az a ski rocket.
Awl real strength iz short; thinks are broke, or histed with a jerk; comik essayers must ram pages into paragraffs; wit, or humor, iz something like ginger pop – thar is about as mutch in the pop, that is interesting, as thare iz in the ginger.
Theze short essays are like buckwheat slap-jacks; evryboddy seems tew like them hot, and tew git them hot iz jest where the little joker cums in.
A lukewarm comik essay haz no more fun in it than a Dutch konumdrum tew a man who don’t understand the language.
I often git letters from sum of our best philanthropisters, who love me, thay say, and who wonder whi i don’t write sum longer things. Awl I kan say tew them iz, that a short bilt writer iz often dull enuff, and a long bilt one iz necessisarily so. A streak ov lazy lightning, a mile long, that anyboddy kan dodge, soon loozes awl its novelty.
Thare iz grate power in words, if yu don’t hitch tew menny ov them together; but their only power iz the interpretashun ov ideas; and the more ginger you kan git intu the pod the better the dose.
Sum men are never so brilliant as when they don’t make enny remarks, and no man needn’t git mad at himself bekauze he haz sed a good thing without wasting a word.
A comik essayer haz got tew have a sprinkling ov the monkey in him; he must akt sensible things strangely; it iz not an eazy task tew be a good monkey, nor will it exackly answer tew be an artyfishall monkey; the deviltry in a monkey iz natral – if it want, it wouldn’t be funny, but ridikilous.
Az i hav sed on a feuter occasion before, it iz eazier tew be a good critick, than a poor writer, but i am the last man tew giv enny man mutch credit, for being able tew find fault.
If enny ov yure readers, Dear Mr. – , or enny ov the fust klass philanthropisters or philanthropisterisses, hav got anny spare kapital lieing idle, they would like tew insert into the comik essa bizness, i am reddy tew sell out mi small stock, good will and fixtures, and i will quietly go into the frogs hind legg trade, and at the end ov 90 days, if they don’t find the silver-plated nonsense bizzness harder tew steer than they think it iz, i will giv them credit for having a good stock ov brains or impudense, i don’t know whitch.
A man who iz on a jurney, iz expekted tew go slow, and git dull, but if he iz on an errand he iz expekted tew be lively, it iz jistly thus with yure long and yure cluss bilt writers.
I hope thoze who take the pain tew read this squiblet, will giv me credit for writing what i think, if it ain’t so sarching and brilliant, and i would thank thoze who semioftenly advice me tew pump more power and doxology into what i write, tew purchase me out and sett up the hot paragraff trade theirselfs, and giv us wit on the haff-shell, nitroglycerine humor, fun soaked in kamphene, jests crazy tew go oph at haff cock, and raw sense that will make a saw-hoss laff.
I am mad that i ever set sail in the comik essa schooner, tew be so often caught on the flats, and if i could git out of it now and hav enny karakter at all left i would grab at the offer.
I will stop bi saying that it iz a darn sight eazier tew write too mutch than it iz too little, and awl comik attempts, must be quick tew win, for folks wont bear but little phooling at once on enny subjik, and i say bully for you, folks.
BEAU BENNET’S SUPPLIKASHUN
Kind Fortune, teach thi servant humility, but let no sneak ov an upstart outshine him in things that are stylish.
Giv unto me morality copious; and may mi shirt kollars be stiffer than china and whiter than snoballs in winter.
Smile, thou goddess dear, at mi mustash, and may mi wisdum be grate – even like unto Solaman’s.
Grant that i may a pattern be, worthy ov all imitashun, and that i able may be to wear a boot number 5 on these number 10 feet ov mine.
Fill up mi kup tew the brim’s verry top with honor and honesty, and make mi neckties mine enemies tew smite with sorrow and silent confushion.
Take away from me all vanity, but grant that mi Sunday panterloons may fit me, even az korn fitteth the kob.
Remove far from me, O gentle Fortune! all pride and vain ostentashun, but grant that mi name amung wimmin may ever be spoken in acksents of gladness.
Make my heart tew glisten with charity, but teach mi taylor and shumaker how tew wait for their munny and be happy.
Let mi heart feast on the truth, but smile thou upon mi kork leg and periwig nobby.
Remove far from me all gluttony, but preserve mi appetight for toast with a quail on it in all its original buty.
Teach me tew shun all decepshun, but help me tew marry a big pile at last, making sum maiden or yung widdo happy.
Take away from my heart all envy, but grant, kind Fortune, that mi hat kant be beat, nor the lavender tint ov mi gloves be exceeded.
Fill me with courage true and reddy, but if enny man offers tew smote me, giv tew mi feet the fleetness ov venson and mi legs the speed ov the roebuck.
Remove all affektashun far from me, but enable me tew keep up appearances, if i hav tew cheat a little tew do it.
Abuv all things with modesty shower me. Yea! make me all dripping wet, but don’t let me looze a good chance mi nu koat tew spread before the eyes ov men filled with envy.
Make me at all times ov the poor heathen thoughtful, at church not forgetting the platter tew annoint with a 10 cent plaster.
Remove from me all gra hares, and pimples, all bunyons, and korns pestiverous, and grant that mi calfs may still fatten on saw durst, and mi cheeks feed upon plumpers, and mi harte ever buble and bile over with mersy.
Teach me mi kane tew whirl so pekuliar, and my mustash tew twist into such long draun out sweetness that all the people shall kall me “Yung Purity.”
Smile thou! upon all hatters and barbers, all shirt-makers and gloviers, all perfumers and dentists, all wash-wimmin and shu blaks, and forgiv them the dets i may owe them, and kauze me tew weep over man and hiz menny misfortins.
Bless all maids ov estate, all widdo’s with munny, all mothers ov fashion with dauters tew marry, all good matches laying around loose, but chiefly giv me a conshience full ov aroma.
Lengthen out, kind Fortune, the days ov mi unkle, but should he slip away sudden, bow me down with sorrow bekuming.
Listen! dear Fortune, listen! – giv me the style ov heart breaking Adonis, let the virtews all seek mi acquaintanse, and feed with nu fires exquisit the soltaire that burns on mi buzzum.
I will raize thee an alter, kind Fortune, an alter az hi az a lamp post, if theze mi prayers are answered – farewell for the present – don’t go back on Beau Bennett, the butiful!!
