Kitabı oku: «The Complete Works of Josh Billings», sayfa 31
A LEKTURE TO MALE YOUNG MEN ONLY
Yu are about 2 begin life, yung men, for the fust time, and i suppose thare wud be no impropriety in mi saing for the last time tew.
It is hily important or thereabouts, that yu set down in sum kool plase, and take an honest akount ov stok, or in other wurds, less poetick but equally tru, yu sarch out the ramifikashun ov natur, and see what natur haz ramified yu for.
Now Skriptur will tell yu, that men don’t gether pigs from thissels, neither dus the husband, nor hiz wife, nor enny ov his relashuns, plant korn when tha are after pumpkins, nor sow bukwheat, when he iz a lookin for old rye.
Kauze and affeck iz anuther awful good thing to studdy; yu will find this talked ov in Dan Webster’s dicktionary.
Having follered the above advise, and having hefted the above reasoning, yu will cum tew the konklusion whether it iz best for yu tu studdy law or studdy shumaking, both ov them honerabil biznisses, and equally kondusiv tew helth.
Yu will also be enabled tew bet with dispatch, whether yu hav a kall, tew preach the gospil, or sel yankee noshuns at auction, both ov them respektuous, if honestla follared, and both ov them liabel tew be led estra, and end at laste in the bronkeetis.
The studdy ov medisin will present itself and flap its wings and crow, but it kant fule yu, bekause yu have sot down, as rekomended above, and tuk akount ov yure liabilitys, and kno tew a spot whether yu air konstructed rite for a veteran surgeon amung hosses, or hav the rite natur for dealing out kalamil & gallup amung men, wimmin & childrin.
Yu will likewize hav it in yure power tew gess clussly between being a kolporter or keeping a billiard tabil; if yu find that yure goose iz morally sound, yu will itinerate at onst, but if yu diskiver a leak in yure base, yu will take up yure cue, naturally & akordinly.
Selling dri goods and blaksmithing wil klaim yure especial notis, and wil bother yu dredfully for a verdik; but if yu find yu hav kalico on the brain, & aint afraid tew stretch the cloth & the truth a little, when yu mezure it, yu will straddle the kounter like an ingyrubber clothes pin, and smile on yure kustomers like a sleeping babe trubbled with dreams.
Yu wil, without doubt, be asked tu sa whether yu wil be a pollytisian or a blakleg, both equally honorabil.
If yu hav enny reasonable douts about cheatin yure moste intimate friends, and aint willing tew be seen in low grogerys on lecktion daze, buying votes with cheap whiska and kounterfit munny, and dont expek tew buy elekshun, and then sell yure principles tew git even; if yu kant go this, and tend awl the churches near yu in rotashun, and hear folks sa, “What an ornyment to sosiety he iz!” i sa, if yu kant go all this without blushing, yu will ov course adopt the blakleg, and gain an honest living bi cheatin on the square.
Yung men yu will awl detek in this lekture a frendla feeling towards yu bi the author, and if yu foller the direckshuns laid down above, yu wil diskiver the wiggling ov yure genius, in time perhaps, tew saive yureselfs from cuming the gove nor ov sum state, when natur kindly ramified yu for a carpenter and jiner.
FEMALE REMARKS
Dear Girls, are yu in sarch ov a husband?
This is a pumper, and y u are not required tew say “Yes” out loud, but are expekted tew throw yure eyes down onto the earth, az tho yu waz looking for a pin, and reply tew the interrogatory, with a kind ov draud-in sigh, az tho yu waz eating an oyster, juice and all, off from the half shell.
Not tew press so tender a theme untill it bekums a thorn in the flesh, we will presume (tew avoid argument) that yu are on the look-out for sumthing in the male line tew boost yu in the up-hill ov life, and tew keep hiz eye on the britching when yu begin tew go down the other side of the mountain. Let me give yu sum small chunks ov advice how tew spot yure fewter hussband:
1. The man who iz jellous ov every little attenshun which yu git from sum other fellow, yu will find, after yu are married tu him, luvs himself more than he duz yu, and what yu mistook for solissitude, yu will diskover, has changed into indifference. Jellousy isn’t a heart-diseaze; it is a liver-komplaint.
2. A mustash is not indispensible; it iz only a little more hair, and iz a good deal like moss and other excressences – often duz the best on sile that won’t raize ennything else. Don’t forgit that thoze things which yu admire in a phellow before marriage, yu will probably hav tew admire in a hussband after, and a mustash will git tew be very weak diet after a long time.
3. If hussbands could be took on trial, az irish-cooks are, two-thirds ov them would probably be returned; but thare don’t seem tew be enny law for this. Tharefore, girls, yu will see that after yu git a man, yu hav got tew keep him, even if yu loose on him. Consequently, if yu hav got enny kold vitles in the house, try him on them, once in a while, during courting season, and if he swallers them well, and sez he will take sum more, he is a man who, when blue Monday cums will wash well.
4. Don’t marry a pheller who iz alwus a-telling how hiz mother duz things. It iz az hard tew suit these men as it iz tew wean a yung one.
5. If a yung man kan beat yu playing on a pianner, and kant hear a fish-horn playing in the street without turning a back summersett on account ov the musick that iz in him, i say, skip him; he might answer tew tend babe, but if yu sett him tew hoeing out the garden, yu will find that yu hav got tew do it yureself. A man whoze whole heft lies in musick (and not very hefty at that), ain’t no better for a husband than a seedlitz powder; but if he luvs tew listen while yu sing sum gentle ballad, yu will find him mellow, and not soft. But don’t marry enny boddy for jist one virtew enny quicker than yu would flop a man for jist one fault.
6. It iz one of the most tuffest things for a female tew be an old maid successfully. A great menny haz tried it, and made a bad job ov it. Evryboddy seems tew look upon old maids jist az they do upon dried harbs – in the garret, handy for sickness – and, tharefore, girls, it aint a mistake that yu should be willing tew swop yurself oph, with some true phellow, for a hussband. The swop iz a good one; but don’t swop for enny man who iz respektabel jist bekause his father iz. You had better be an old maid for 4 thousand years, and then join the Shakers, than tew buy repentance at this price. No woman ever made this trade who didn’t git either a phool, a mean cuss, or a clown for a hussband.
7. In digging down into his subject, i find the digging grows harder the further i git. It iz mutch easier tew inform yu who not tew marry, than who tew, for the reason thare iz more ov them.
I don’t think yu will foller mi advise, if i giv it; and, tharefore, i will keep it; for i look upon advise as i do upon castor ile – a mean dose tew giv, and a mean dose tew take.
But i must say one thing, girls, or spile. If you kan find a bright-eyed, healthy, and well-ballasted boy, who looks upon poverty az sassy az a child looks upon wealth – who had rather sit down on the curb-stun, in front ov the 5th avenue hotel, and eat a ham sandwitch, than tew go inside, and run in debt for hiz dinner and toothpick – one who iz armed with that kind ov pluck, that mistakes a defeat for a victory, mi advise is tew take him boddy and soul – snare him at onst, for he iz a stray trout, or a breed very skase in our waters.
Take him i say, and bild onto him, az hornets bild on to a tree.
PRIVATE OPINYUNS
Mi private opinyun iz – that politeness iz about the only profeshion ov humans that i endorse without looking into.
Mi private opinyun iz – that the man who cheats me, iz a good deal mi inferior.
Mi private opinyun of Fame iz – that it konsists in being praized wrongfully while yu liv, and being damd inkorektly when yu are ded, and the very best it kan do for enny man, iz tew make him respektably forgotten.
Mi private opinyun iz – that a bad joke, iz like a bad eg, all the wuss for being cracked.
Mi private opinyun iz – that manufaktring phun for other pholks amusement, iz like hatching out egs, a sober, stiddy bizzness.
Mi private opinyun iz – that originality in writing waz played out long ago, and the very best that enny man kan do, iz tew steal with good judgement, and then own it like a man.
Mi private opinyun iz – that the most that learning kan do for us, iz tew teach us how little we kno.
Mi private opinyun ov civilashun iz – that it alwus ends in luxury, and luxury alwus ends in destruckshun. The barbarians hav alwus outlasted the Christians, i am dredful sorry for this, but i kant help it.
Mi private opinyun ov dandys iz – that they are moraly hybrid, and i guess they are other ways too.
Mi private opinyun iz – that when a man haint got enny thing tew say, then iz the best time not tew say it.
My private opinyun iz – that sum men did aktually spring from the monkey, and didn’t hav fur tew spring neither.
Mi private opinyun ov Rum iz – that the man who sells it to hiz fello man iz wuss than a hiwayman – the hiwayman demands yure munny or yure life – the rumseller demands both.
Mi private opinyun ov “Wimmin’s Rites” iz – that natur haz fixt them jist about rite, and natur never underlets a kontrakt, nor baks out ov a posishun.
Mi private opinyun iz – that humorous lektures kan never be a suckcess, for two reasons – one iz, bekauze most people look upon the men who makes them laff az vastly inferior to them, and the other iz, bekauze a writer in the Atlantik Monthly sez so.
My private opinyun ov sektarian religion iz – that it iz like sider drawn from a musty kask, it alwus tastes ov the kask. Thoze who at last enter Heaven may find the outer walls plakarded with kreeds, but they wont find enny on the inside.
Mi private opinyun iz – that virtew iz better than gold, but i also hav bin told that 10 dollars in gold will go farther towards bilding a church, or a hoss ralerode, than all the piety ov Moses.
Mi private opinyun ov human natur iz – that it is like a setting hen, just as krazy tew set whare thare aint no egs as whare thare iz.
Mi private opinyun ov Adam iz – that without enny experience at all, in running the machine, he dun jist as well as the man ov to-day would do, let him step into Paradise to-morrow.
Mi private opinyun ov sparking iz – that az a rekreashun, it iz delightful, but when it settles down into a stiddy bizzness, it iz like hash 3 times a day, rather mixt phood.
Mi private opinyun iz – that the man who mistakes a surly temper for superior intelligence, iz like a toothless kur, who got whipt in hiz last fite, and iz a going tew git lickt in his next one.
Mi private opinyun iz – that a young man oftner neglekts hiz genius for sawing wood than he does for writing poetry.
Mi private opinyun iz – that adversity and temtashun are the very best kind ov tests ov virtew.
Mi private opinyun ov all bores iz – that the gimblet kind iz the most sarching.
Mi private opinyun ov human happiness iz – that it iz like Joner’s gourd, it often looses in a nite all that it gru in a day.
Mi private opinyun ov angels on arth, az far az I hav sarched iz – from fair to midling.
Mi private opinyun ov a braggart iz – that he iz a sheep in wolf’s clothing.
Mi private opinyun ov a prude iz, that their gratest anxiety iz tew have their propriety tempted.
My private opinyun ov a coquet iz, that if they suckceed in dieing an old maid, they don’t deserve all the punishment they receive.
Mi private opinyun ov woman iz, that she iz a natral brick, and she iz a phool just in proporshun that she don’t kno it.
Mi private opinyun ov mothers-in-law iz, that they seldum stop short ov their mishun, but are fully equal tew the ockashun.
Mi private opinynn ov boys iz, if i hadn’t been one once miself, and a tuff one at that, i should feel like sending the whole ov them, for life, to Botany Bay.
Mi private opinyun ov girls iz, the same az it waz 40 years ago, when i fust phell in luv with one ov them.
Mi private opinyun ov the mass ov mankind iz, that they hav got more branes in their hearts than they hav in their heds, and i ain’t sorry for it neither.
Mi private opinyun iz, that politeness haz won more sudden viktorys than logick haz.
Mi private opinyun ov molassis iz, that while it iz dreadful sweet, it iz dreadful sticky too.
Mi private opinyun ov dogs iz, that their affeckshun ought almost tew make them immortal.
Mi private opinyun ov cats iz, that Judas Iskarriot ought tew hav owned the fust one, and the last one too.
My private opinyun ov a mule iz, that he never waz known tew hit enny thing he kouldn’t reach, but iz alwus reddy tew try it.
Mi private opinyun ov miself iz that while i keep both eyes on mi nabor I hope they wont fail tew keep one eye on me.
My private opinyun iz that here iz a good place tew halt, and i am a big phool if i don’t halt.
A SUGGESTSHUN
The morning paper iz just az necessary for an Amerikan az dew iz to the grass.
Hot kakes and kaughphy, kodphish bawls, and hash are useful, but the morning paper iz vittles and drink.
An Amerikan who haz not red the morning nuze iz not more than haff edukated for that day; he goes tew hiz bizzness haff-doubtful and haff-ashamed ov himself; he iz afrade tew look hiz nabor in the face, and ackts az ignorant az a man in a strange land who don’t understand the language.
Every man he meets thru the day tells him sumthing nu, and when he goze home at nite he iz az silent and misterious tew the wife ov hiz buzzum az tho he had lost sumthing.
There iz lots ov pholks who git all their larning out ov the morning papers, and when they hav 2 collums ov it laid in they are az phatt with usephull knowledge az the sekretary ov a sowing sosiety.
They go round az glib az a boy’s windmill in a good breeze; they ain’t afraid to button-hole ennybody and talk incessintly tew the boy on the korner while he shines up hiz shuze.
The man who hain’t red the morning paper, and the man who haz, are about alike uneazy tew encounter. The one who haint, iz az kross az a dog who haint got enny bone, and the other phellow iz az stiff in the back az the dog who haz got two.
I luv miself tew read the morning paper, and i also luv tew go onst in a while away over on the other side ov the mountain, whare thare aint enny morning paper, and set down, and feel ignorant all day. It iz like turning an old hoss out tew grass, and gitting the oats all out ov him.
This ceaseless hankering after nuze iz a good way tew forgit life, but iz not the best way tew enjoy it. It iz often only a mania, and it iz quite az often the kase that what a man learns in this way to day, he phinds out tomorrow aint so.
But an Amerikan kant git along without hiz morning paper. Red hot nuze iz just as necessary tew him tew begin the day with az sider brandy fresh from the still iz to an old toper.
ON COURTING
Courting is a luxury, it is sallad, it is ise water, it is a beveridge, it is the pla spell ov the soul.
The man who has never courted haz lived in vain; he haz bin a blind man amung landskapes and waterskapes; he has bin a deff man in the land ov hand orgins, and by the side ov murmuring canals.
Courting iz like 2 little springs ov soft water that steal out from under a rock at the fut ov a mountain and run down the hill side by side singing and dansing and spatering each uther, eddying and frothing and kaskading, now hiding under bank, now full ov sun and now full ov shadder, till bimeby tha jine and then tha go slow.
I am in faver ov long courting; it gives the parties a chance to find out each uther’s trump kards, it iz good exercise, and is jist as innersent as 2 merino lambs.
Courting iz like strawberries and cream, wants tew be did slow, then yu git the flaver.
Az a ginral thing i wouldn’t brag on uther gals mutch when i waz courting, it mite look az tho yu knu tew mutch.
If yu will court 3 years in this wa, awl the time on the square if yu don’t sa it iz a leettle the slikest time in yure life, yu kan git measured for a hat at my expense, and pa for it.
Don’t court for munny, nor buty, nor relashuns, theze things are jist about az onsartin as the kerosene ile refining bissness, liabel tew git out ov repair and bust at enny minnit.
Court a gal for fun, for the luv yu bear her, for the vartue and bissness thare is in her; court her for a wife and for a mother, court her as yu wud court a farm – for the strength ov the sile and the parfeckshun ov the title; court her as tho she want a fule, and yu a nuther; court her in the kitchen, in the parlor, over the wash-tub, and at the pianner; court this wa, yung man, and if yu don’t git a good wife and she don’t git a good hustband, the falt won’t be in the courting.
Yung man, yu kan rely upon Josh Billings, and if yu kant make these rules wurk jist send for him and he will sho yu how the thing is did, and it shant kost yu a cent.
LATEST NUZEPAPER TATLINGS
Ebenezer Smith haz sold out hiz tannrey at Pordunk hollow, and bout a house on 5th avenew.
The lovely Bridget McGuire (nee chambermaid) will be brought to the alter, sum time this seazon, by the brilliant Dennis O’Tool.
Proffessor Norris haz just returned from the north pole, and reports the size ov the pole to be one foot in diameter at the base, and 94 feet hi. He also brought back with him a pair ov web footed duks.
The Miss Simphonys, ov Providence, are on a visit tew the Miss Sinbads, ov Lexington avenew – lovely creatures all ov them.
Mocking birds’ tongues on toast will be on the bills ov fare, this summer, at the Kontinental Hotel, Long Branch.
The Rev. Namby Pamby asked for a 4 thousand dollar hoist in his salary, or dismissal. The congregashun voted unanimus to let him went. (Bully for the kongregashun.)
Mrs. Ulrich Nikodemus haz changed the hour ov her resepshuns from haff past 2 o’klok P. M., on Wensdays, to a quarter of 3 on the same day, a change ov 15 minnits. Exchange papers will pleaze coppy.
Obadiah Bunkum sold hiz hameltonian pup Jerry, last week, tew Richards, the jews harp solo, for 50 thousand dollars, reserving the collar. This iz spoken ov az so mutch ov a dekline in prices az tew shake the pup market tew its center.
It it sed (but not offishall) that Mr. and Mrs. Punchinello will not visit the White Mountains this summer. Their dauter, Betsy Punchinello, iz sed tew be affianced tew the Baron Von Chaulk, and the family will enter seklushun on this account.
Dick Blister waz arrested yesterday bi offiser Pinkerton for trieing tew pass a counterfit omnibus on a 50 cent driver ov the 23 street line ov stages.
Paul Burdok advertizes for a lost poodle ov the Sanco Panza breed, and offers 40 dollars “for hiz uncerimonious return.” (“Uncerimonious return” iz kussid good.)
Rum and tanzy, a popular gargle a hundred years ago, is being revived among the hi toned cirkles. One man in Nu Jersey haz drove all the musketoze oph from a thousand akers ov land, and planted the whole ov the land with rum and tanzy, in antisipashun ov the sharp rally in bitters that may be looked for.
Jaw Bone Bill a selebrated brave ov the Ninkumpoop tribe ov injuns, on the June Bug river, Californy, waz lately bit apart bi a grizzly bear. Jaw Bone died pretty soon after the occashun, but the bear lived in grate agony for 4 daze, when deth put an end tew hiz sufferings.
Miss Rosa Peachblow, ov Madison avenew sez she iz not affianced tew a prominent Wall street broker, and will giv 5 dollars or thareabouts tew find out who started the fancy sketch. (City papers pleaz copy.)
G. W. Carleton, the publisher, will soon issue a book for Josh Billings, entitled “Eggs ov Comfort Laid by the Hen Consolashun.” (This iz a kussid no sich thing. – J. B.)
The cirkulashun ov the New York Weekly haz allready reached three hundred thousand, and still iz singing that same old tune, “Excelsior.”
The lovely McFizzles (twins) ov “snob place,” will hav a klam bake, sum time this seazon, at their sea side place, “Goose Nook,” to whitch the Van Doodles are invited. (Doubtful.)
Mr. William Pierpont, ov Goshen, Orange County, haz a sucking colt, ov the Hambletonian breed, which lately followed the mare one mile around the trak, in 2 minnits and 23 seckonds, on a trot. This is sed tew be 8 seckonds the best mile made yet by enny sucker.
Report sez that the staunch widdow, Angeline Beeach nee Brown, nee Jones, nee Beckwith, nee Smith, nee McPherson, nee Miss Angeline Spraker – 5 times a widder, will soon lead tew the alter Walter Roundout, Esq., (Good bye, Walter.)
On dit, that Dick Manchester haz quit the cork minstrel bizzness, and iz starring it legitimately at Sing Sing, on a 2 years engagement.
On ditto, that the peanut krop ov North Karolina iz a failure, and that starvashun must foller.
On dittimus, that George Washington Vinegar will spend sum time this year at the 5th avenew hotel.
New Jersey wants tew be admitted into the Union.
It iz stated that it kosts 13 hundred dollars tew civilize one injun, and then the injun aint worth but 250 dollars. Loss on each injun tew the government, in money, about 1 thousand dollars; but, the moral results are sed tew be heavy. (Let the good work go on.)
Mrs. William Hoboken haz had her clarence nuly painted. The nu color iz chestnut sorrel – the old color waz dapple grey.
We are authorized tew state that Mr. Alanthus haz just returned from the state ov Injunanny in full bloom, having resided thare one year, ackording tew law, and iz now reddy tew receive proposals.
A writer in Blackwood Magazine estimates “that thare haint been over 250 fleas killed since the flood.”
We are pleased tew notiss the growing popularity ov Mr. and Mrs. Jibboom; their respektibility iz now fully established, they having appeared on the avenew with a 2 horse carriage, and a slitely coloured driver, with a velvet hat band and sum yeller brass buttons.
The latest agony in poodles iz saffron, with steel coloured eyes.
Matilda O’Brine, four daze in her last place, with a karacter, will receive proposals at her residence, in Albany street.
No objeckshuns tew going into the country for the summer az companyun tew a lady, provided suitable references are given! Lessons on the pianno will be accepted insted ov the usual presents expekted from the family.
Enny one wishing tew adopt male or female children, kan hav their pik out ov 16 bi calling on Mrs. Patrik McFergurson. All the children hav got thru teething, and hav had waccinashun.
