Kitabı oku: «The Complete Works of Josh Billings», sayfa 6
HOW TEW PIK OUT A DOG
Dogs are gitting dredful skase, and if yu dont pik one out putty soon, it will be forever too late.
I hav written during my yunger days, when I knu a good deal more than i do now, or ever shal kno agin, an essa onto dogs, and in that essa i klaimed that the best kind ov a dog for all purposes for a man tew hav was a wodden dog.
The experience ov years don’t seem tew change mi opinyun, and i now, az then, reckomend the wodden dog.
Dogs, az a genral thing, are ornamental, and the wodden dog kan be made hily so, after enny pattern or desighn that a kultivated taste may suggest.
If the wodden dog iz made with the bark on, so mutch the better; for we are told bi thoze who studdy sich things that dogs which bark never bight.
Wodden dogs never stra away three or four times a year, like flesh and blood dogs do, and don’t kost 5 or 10 dollars reward each time tew make them cam bak hum agin.
Wodden dogs don’t hav the old hydrophobiskiousness; neither are they running round, and round, and round, and round after them selfs, trieing tew ketch up with a wicked flea, who iz bizzily engaged knawing away at the dog’s – continuashun.
Thare ain’t no better watch dog in the world than the wodden one. Yu set them tew watching enny thing, they will watch it for 3 years, and they aint krazy, and want tew jump thru a window in a minnit, if they just happen tew hear a boy out in the streets whissling “Yankee Doodle” or “Sally Cum Up.”
Wodden dogs won’t stretch themselfs out in front ov the fire place, taking up all the hot room, nor they won’t fly at a harmless old beggar man, who only wants a krust, and tare him all tew little bits in a minnitt.
If yu want tew pik out a good dog, pik out a wodden one, they range in price, all the way from 10 cents tew a dollar ackording tew the lumber in them, old age don’t make them kross and useless, and if they do happen tew loze, a hed, or a leg, in sum skrimmage, a dose ov Spaldings glu, taken at night, jist before they retire will fetch them out all strait, in the morning.
HOW TEW PIK OUT A KAT
The hardest thing, in every day life, iz tew pik out a good kat, not bekause kats are so skase, az bekauze they are so plenty.
If thare want but 2 kats on earth, thare wouldn’t be no trouble, yu would pik one and the other phellow would pik one, and that would end the contest.
To pik out a good kat, one that will tend tew bizzness and not astronomize nights, nor praktiss operatik strains, iz an evidence ov genius.
I don’t luv kats enuff tew pik one out enny how, but i have picked a kitten out ov a swill barrel before now with a pair of tongs, just tew save life.
Color iz no kriterion ov kats, i hav seen dredful mean kats ov all colors.
Kats with blue eyes, and very long whiskers, with the points ov their ears a leetle rounded are not to be trusted they will steal yung chickens, and hook kream oph from the milk pans, every good chanse they kan git.
Kats with gra eyes, very short whiskers, and four white toes, are the best kats thare iz to lay in front ov the kitchen stove all day, and be stepped on their tail, every fu minnitts.
Kats with blak eyes, no whiskers at all, and sharp pointed ears, are liabel tew phitts.
Picking out good kats haz alwus bin a mighty cluss transackshun from the fust begining, the best way haz alwus ben tew take them without enny picking, jist az they cum, and let them go, jist az they cum.
LOST ARTS
Sum ov our best and most energetick quill jerkers, hav writ essays on the “Lost Arts,” and hav did comparatiffly well, but they hav overlooked several ov the missing artikles whitch i take the liberty, (in a strikly confidenshall way) tew draw their attenshun to.
“Pumpkin Pi.” – This delitesum work ov art iz, (or rather was) a triumphant conglomerashun ov baked doe, and biled pumpkin.
It waz diskovered during the old ov the moon, in the year 1680, by Angelica, the notable wife ov Rhehoboam Beecher, then residing in the rural town ov Nu Guilford, State of Connekticut, but since departed this life, aged 84 years, 3 months, 6 daze 5 hours, and 15 minnitts.
Peace tew her dust.
This pi, immejiately after its discovery bi Angelica, proceeded into general use, and waz the boss pi, for over a hundred years.
In the year 1833 it was totaly lorst.
This pi hain’t bin herd from since. Large rewards hav bin offered for its recovery by the Govenor ov Connekticut, but it haz undoubtedly fled forever.
Sum poor imitashuns ov the blessed old original pi are loafing around, but pumpkin pi az it waz, (with nutmeg in it) is no more.
“Rum and Tansy.” – Good old Nu England rum with tanzy bruized in it, waz known to our ancients, and drank by the deacons and the elders ov our churches, a century ago.
It iz now one ov the lost arts.
A haff a pint ov this glorious old mixtur upon gitting out ov bed in the morning, then a haff a pint jist before sitting down tew breakfast, then thru the day, at stated intervals, a haff a pint ov it, and sum more ov it just before retiring at nite, iz wat enabled our fourfathers tew shake oph the yoke ov grate brittain, and gave the Amerikan eagle the majestik tred and thundering big bak bone, which he used tew hav. But, alass! oh, alass! we once had spirits ov just men made perfek, but we hav now, (o alass!) spirits ov the dam.
One half-pint ov the present prevailing rum would ruin a deacon in twenty minitts.
Farewell, good old nu England rum, with some tanzy in yer, thou hast gone! yest, thou hast gone tew that bourn from which no good spirits cums back.
“Rum, reguiescat, et liquorissimus.”
* * * * * * * *
“Arly to bed, and arly to rize.”
When our ancestors landed on Plimoth Rok out ov the Mayflower, and stood in front ov the grate lanskape spred out before them, reaching from the boisterious Atlantik to the buzzum ov the plaintive Pacifick, they brought with them, among other tools, the art ov gitting up in the morning and going tew bed at nite in decent seazon.
This art they was az familiar to them, az codfish for brekfast.
They knu it bi heart.
It waz the eleventh command in their katekism.
They taut it tew their children, their yung men and maidens, and if a yung one waz enny ways slow about larning it he waz invited out to the korn-krib, and thare the art waz explained tew him, so that he got hold ov the idee for ever and amen.
I am sorry to say that this art iz now lost, or missing.
What a loss waz here, my countrymen!
I pauze for a reply.
Not a word do I hear.
Silence iz its epitaph.
Perhaps some profane and unthinking cuss will exklaim – “Let her rip!”
Arly tew bed and arly tew rize, is either a thing of the past or a thing that ain’t cum – it certainly don’t exist in theze parts now.
It haz not only gone itself, but it haz took oph a whole lot ov good things with it.
This art will positively never be diskovered agin; it waz the child ov innocense and vigor, and this breed ov children are like the babes in the wood, and deserted bi their unkle.
“Honesty.” – Honesty iz one ov the arts and sciences.
Learned men will tell you that the abuv assershun iz one ov Josh Billings infernal lies, and yer hav a perfekt rite tew believe them, but i don’t.
Honesty iz jist az much an art az politeness iz, and never waz born with a man enny more than the capacity to spell the word Nebuddkenozzer right the first time waz.
It took me seven years to master this word, and i and Noer Webster both disagree about the right way now.
Sum men are natrally more addikted tew honesty than others, jist az sum hav a better ear for musik, and larn how tew hoist and lower the 8 notes, more completely than the next man.
Honesty iz one ov the lost or mislaid arts – thare may be excepshuns tew this rule, but the learned men all agree that “excepshuns prove the rule.”
The only doubts i hav about this matter iz tew lokate the time very cluss, when honesty waz fust lost.
When Adam in the garden of Eden waz asked, “Whare art thou Adam” and afterwards explained hiz abscence by saying, “I, waz afraid” iz az far back az I hav bin able tew trace the fust indikashuns ov weakness in this grand and nobel art.
I shouldn’t be suprized if this art never waz fully recovered again during mi day.
I aint so anxious about it on mi own ackount, for i kan manage tew worry along sumhow without it, but what iz a going tew bekum ov the grate mass ov suffering humanity?
This iz a question that racks mi simpathetick buzzum!
HINTS TO COMIK LEKTURERS
Comic lekturing iz an unkommon pesky thing to do.
It iz more unsarting than the rat ketching bizzness az a means ov grace, or az a means ov livelyhood.
Most enny boddy thinks thev kan do it, and this iz jist what makes it so bothersum tew do.
When it iz did jist enuff, it iz a terifick success, but when it iz overdid, it iz like a burnt slapjax, very impertinent.
Thare aint but phew good judges ov humor, and they all differ about it.
If a lekturer trys tew be phunny, he iz like a hoss trying to trot backwards, pretty apt tew trod on himself.
Humor must fall out ov a mans mouth, like musik out ov a bobalink, or like a yung bird out ov its nest, when it iz feathered enuff to fly.
Whenever a man haz made up hiz mind that he iz a wit, then he iz mistaken without remedy, but whenever the publick haz made up their mind that he haz got the disease, then he haz got it sure.
Individuals never git this thing right, the publik never git it wrong.
The publik never cheat themselfs, nor other folks, when they weigh out glory.
Thare iz jist 16 ounces in a pound ov glory, and no more, that is, by the publiks steelyards.
Humor iz wit with a roosters tail feathers stuck in its cap, and wit iz wisdom in tight harness.
No man kan be a helthy phool unless he haz nussed at the brest ov wisdom.
Thoze who fail in the comik bizzness are them who hav bin put out to nuss, or bin fetched up on a bottle.
If a man iz a genuine humorist, he iz superior tew the bulk ov hiz aujience, and will often times hav tew take hiz pay for hiz services in thinking so.
Altho fun iz designed for the millyun, and ethiks for the few, it iz az true az molasses, that most all aujiences hav their bell wethers, people who show the others the crack whare the joke cums laffing in.
I hav known popular aujences deprived ov all plezzure during the recital ov a comik lektur, just bekauze the right man, or the right woman, want thare tew point out the mellow places.
The man who iz anxious tew git before an aujience, with what he calls a comik lektur, ought tew be put immediately in the stocks, so that he kant do it, for he iz a dangerous person tew git loose, and will do sum damage.
It iz a very pleazant bizzness tew make people laff, but thare iz mutch odds whether they laff at you, or laff at what yu say.
When a man laffs at yu, he duz it because it makes him feel superior to you, but when yu pleaze him with what yu have uttered, he admits that yu are superior tew him.
The only reazon whi a monkey alwus kreates a sensashun whareever he goes, is simply bekauze – he is a monkey.
Everyboddy feels az tho they had a right tew criticize a comik lectur, and most ov them do it jist az a mule criticizes things, by shutting up both eyes and letting drive with hiz two behind leggs.
Humor haz but phew rules tew be judged by, and they are so delikate that none but the most delikate kan define them.
It is dredful arbitrary tew ask a man tew laff who don’t feel the itch ov it.
One ov the meanest things in the comik lektring employment that a man haz to do, iz tew try and make that large class ov hiz aujience laff whom the Lord never intended should laff.
Thare iz sum who laff az eazy and az natral az the birds do, but most ov mankind laff like a hand organ – if yu expect tew git a lively tune out ov it yu hav got tew grind for it.
In delivering a comik lektur it iz a good general rule to stop sudden, sometime before yu git through. This enables the aujience, if they hav had enuff, tew be satisfied with what they hav had, and if they want enny more, it enables them to hanker for it.
I know it iz dredful tuff, when a man iz on one end ov a stick ov molasses kandy, tew quit till he gits clean through; but he musn’t forgit that hiz aujience may not be so sweet on molassiss kandy az he iz.
I hav got a very lonesum opinyun ov the comik lektring bizziness, and if I waz well shut ov it, and knu how tew git an honest living at ennything else, (except opening clams, and keeping a districkt skool,) i would quit tommorrow, and either trade oph mi liktur for a grindstone, or sell it to the proprietors ov sum insane hospital, to quiet their pashunts with.
I dont urge ennyboddy tew cultivate the comik lektring, but if they feel phull ov something, they kan’t tell what, that bites, and makes them feel ridikilous, so that they kan’t even saw wood without laffing tew themselfs all the time, i suppose they hav got the fun ailment in their bones, and had better let it leak out in the shape ov a lektur.
But i advise all such persons to pitty themselfs, and when they lay a warm joke, not tew akt az a hen doth when she haz uttered an egg, but look sorry, and let sum one else do the cackling.
If i had a boy who showed enny strong marks ov being a comik critter, if i couldn’t get it out ov him enny other way, i would jine him to the Shakers, and make him weed onions for three years, just for fun.
FASHION – FURY – FELLOW – FUN – FUSS – FLUNKY – FRETS – FITS – FINIS
FASHION
Fashion is a goddess.
She iz ov the maskuline, feminine and nuter gender.
Men worship her in her maskuline form – wimmin in her feminine form, and the excentricks in her nuter gender.
She rules the world with a straw, and makes all her suppliants.
She enslaves the poor az well az the ritch, she kneels in sanktuarys, pomps in cabins, and leers at the street korners.
She fits man’s foot with a pinching boot, throttles him with a stubborn collar, and dies his mustash with darkness.
She trails the ritch silks ov wimmin along the filthy sidewalks, leads sore-eyed lap-dogs with a string, and banishes helpless children to murky nurserys, in the kare ov faithless hirelings.
She cheats the excentric with the clap-trap of fredom, and makes him serve her in the habiliments ov the harlequin.
Yea, verily.
FUN
Fun is the soul’s vent.
Fun iz whare the kruditys eskape, where she kiks up her heels, and runs snorting around the lot, unhaltered, and az eager az an eskaped konvikt.
Fun iz a safety-valve that lets the steam preshure oph from the biler, and keeps things from bussting.
Fun iz the dansing particles, which fli oph from the surface ov unbottled cider, it iz the senseless frolik ov the spring lam in the clover, it iz the merry twinkle that kreeps down tew the korner ov the parson’s eye, to stand in the sunlite, and see what’s going on.
Fun iz az karliss az a kolt, az happy az a bridegroom, and az silly az a luv-sik skool-girl.
Fun iz the holy day wisdum ov the sage, the phools pholly, and everyboddys puppet.
Next tew the virtew in this world, the fun in it iz what we kan least spare.
Truly! O! truly!
FRET
Fret iz a kanker, a gangreene, a blister, a bile, salt on a sore place, and a sliver everywhare.
Fret iz frickshun, a dull lancet, a gimblet.
Fret makes a yung man ackt like an old one, and an old man ackt like a yung one.
Fret iz a grind stun, whare he holds hiz noze on, haz tew do hiz own turning.
Fret haz burnt more holes thru a man’s koppers that all the other hot things, it haz killed az often az the doktors hav, and iz az lawless, and senseless, az a goose.
Fret makes the husband a tyrant, the wife a plague, the child a nuisance, an old maid terrible, and a bachelor disgusting.
Fret makes home a prizon, and puts teeth into the gums ov all life’s misfortunes.
I bet! thou bet! he, she, or it, bets!
FURY
Fury iz the tornado ov the inner man, a thunder shower, a blak kloud phull ov litening, a tiger out ov hiz kage, a maniak armed, a bull in fli time.
Fury knows no law only its strength, like a rocket, it whizzes till it busts, and when it haz bust, like a rocket, it iz but a senseless and burnt reed.
Fury iz the argument ov tyrants, and the revenge ov the embecile, the courage ov the kat, and the glowing embers ov dispair.
Fury makes the hornet respektabel, and the pissmire a laffing stok, it makes the eagle allmoste human, and clothes the little wren, battling for her brood, with a halo sublime.
Indeed! indeed!
FITS
Fits are the moral tumblings ov man’s natur, the bak summersets ov hiz disposishun, the flying trapez ov the kritter himself.
Fits prompt him tew klimb a greast pole, tew fite a wind mill at short range, to go too near a mule’s heels, and to make a kussid phool ov himself generally.
Fits taketh a man bi the end ov hiz noze, and leadeth him into bak lots.
Fits hav no conshience, and no judgment.
Fits jerk a man from the path ov duty, they knok him krazy at noontime, they seize him at twilite, and twist him arly in the morning.
Sum men, and sum wimmen, are good only in fits, and bad only in fits, when they haint got a fit they are unfit for ennything.
Yes, i think so.
FUSS
Fuss iz like an old setting hen when she cums oph from her nest.
Fuss iz like kold water dropt into hot grease – it sputters, and sputters, and then sputters agin.
Fuss iz haff-sister to Hurry, and neither ov them kant do enny thing without gitting in their own way and stepping on themselfs.
Thare iz more fuss in this world than thare iz hurry, and thare iz a thousand times more ov either ov them than thare iz ov dispatch.
Fuss works hard all day, and don’t do enny thing, goes to bed tired at night, then gits up next morning, and begins agin whare she left oph.
Oh, dear! whi iz this sutch.
FELLOW
A fellow iz like a bottle ov ginger pop that haz stood six hours with the kork out, in a warm room – it ain’t ginger nor it ain’t pop.
A fellow iz a hybrid; he hain’t got enny more karakter than a drizzly day haz, he iz every boddy’s cuzzin, and hangs around like a lost dog.
He iz often clever, and that iz jist what ruins him. A clever phellow iz wuss oph than a mulatto.
I am sorry for this – i am aktually sad.
FLUNKEY
Flunkeys are just abuv loafers, and just belo fellows.
They ain’t maskuline, feminine, nor nuter – they are just human dough.
They hav the currage ov a spring chicken, the ferocity ov a kricket, the combativness ov a grasshopper, and the bakbone ov an angleworm.
They are human dough made to order, and baked az yu choose.
Ain’t it orful?
FINIS
Finis iz the end ov all things – the happyest place in the whole job.
All things on arth hav an end to them, and i kant think ov but phew things now that hain’t got two.
A ladder haz two ends to it, and the surest way tew git to the top ov it iz tew begin at the bottom.
Finis iz the best and only friend that menny a man in this world ever haz, and sum day Finis will be the autokrat ov the universe.
Bully for yu, Finis.
THE NU FOUNDLAND AND THE TARRIER
Dogs are one ov the luxurys ov civilizashun.
In uncivilized life they perhaps are more one ov the necessitys, az they quite often are cooked, and eaten whole.
Among the civilized, if they ever do git onto a bill ov fare, (ov which i have mi own private doubts,) they are more artisktly handled, and enter into hash, or sassage, not az the leading artikle, but more tew kreate a good average.
But i am not now disposed to treat ov dogs az vittles, but as the companyun ov man, hiz pet, and hiz partner.
The Nu foundland dog iz a natiff ov the place whare the nobel kodfish iz kaught.
He dont liv in the water, like the kodfish, but unlike the kodfish, livs on the land.
Hiz principal amuzement iz saving life, and i am told that thare iz hardly a man, or a woman, in all Nu foundland, but what haz had their lives saved several times by these wonderful dogs.
They are taken from Nu foundland to various parts ov the world, and are kept for the purpose ov dragging the drowning from a watery grave.
Yu will find them in mountaneous countrys, whare thare aint enny water, but little brooks. Here they dont hav mutch to do, in their line ov bizzness, and git verry fatt.
But i am told, that even here, they dont forget their natur, and kan often be seen looking down into the wells, after drowning men.
This shows the grate power ov instinkt, and the force ov bizzness habits, alwus looking for a job.
I never hav had mi life saved by one ov theze nobel kritters, but am reddy tew hav it done, at enny time, at the usual rates.
Life iz sweet, and it iz cheaper tew hav it saved by a dog than by a doktor.
But these dogs are all hydropaths, and thare iz sum pholks so kussid sentimental that they had rather die than be doktered bi ennything else than an old skool allopath.
I am just phool enuff, if I waz in the pond, just at the pint ov deth on ackount ov too mutch water, and thare waz a Nufoundland dog standing on the shore out ov a job, I should let him handle the case, rather than send four miles for a regular dokter.
I may be all wrong in this, but if the dog hauled me out all right, I should hav time tew repent ov mi blunder, and next time send for a physician with a diploma.
It iz never too late tew repent ov a blunder, not if you hav got plenty ov time on hand that you don’t kno what to do with.
I never hav owned a Nufoundland dog, but just az soon as i git able tew board one, without skrimping mi family, i mean to buy one, or borro one, just for hiz board.
I don’t know ov ennything more magnificent than tew hav a grate illustrious Nufoundland dog tew follow yu in a mountaneous country.
I liv at Pordunk (the home ov the Billings family) and Pordunk iz not a wet place.
Thare iz sum good wells thare, and two grocerys, but the water priviliges at Pordunk are used only az a beverage.
Thare iz only one Nufoundland dog now at Pordunk, and i think the town would support two.
I don’t suppose i should hav work enuff tew keep one ov theze nobel animals bizzy hauling drowning men out ov wells, but in the spring ov the year, after the gardens waz made, i could lend him out tew the nabors tew run in the gardens.
I don’t kno ov enny thing better tew keep the angleworms, and early lettiss, and beets out ov a garden than a full-grown Nufoundland pup.
It iz nothing but phun tew giv them a kalf-skin boot, and turn them out into a nu-made garden, and see them kick up their heels, stir up the garden, and jerk the boot.
I am almoste krazy tew hav a Nufoundland dog.
