Kitabı oku: «The Complete Works of Josh Billings», sayfa 7
THE RAT TARRIER
Theze dear little pets ov the dog perswashun are natiffs ov the ile ov Grate Brittain.
They are born there with grate precision and purity ov karakter, hav a pedigree az klean az the queen’s, and as free from spots az a nu tin dipper.
A rat tarrier who could ketch 97 rats a day, with a rust on his pedigree, ain’t worth only haff az mutch in market az one with a pure set ov ansestors, who couldn’t ketch only 43 rats.
It iz hard work for a kussed phool tew see this, but it takes edukashun tew see theze things.
A man without edukashun kan stand out doors in a klear night and count the moon, and he won’t see enny thing but a grate chunk ov light sumthing bigger than a kartwheel.
But you let an edukated man stan out there by his side, and he kan see turnpikes, and toll gates, and torch-lite proceshuns, and wimmin’s rites convenshuns, and municipal rings, and koporashun thieving in it.
Edukashun iz bully.
The rat tarrier iz not so mutch dog, az a personal matter, az the Nufoundland iz, but he haz more grit to the square inch.
Just so the hornet haz got more sting tew them than a shanghi pullet haz, and an angleworm haz more grit in them than an hanakonda haz. Natur bosses these jobs, and natur never underlets a kontract. There is one thing I alwus did like natur for, she don’t take the trouble tew explain. She don’t object tew persons asking questions, and guessing at things, but if enny boddy asks her whi a frog kan jump further at one highst than a tud kan, she tells the phellow (if she tells him ennything) never tew bet on the tud, unless he wants tew looze his munny.
I never hav had the happiness yet to own a rat tarrier even, in fakt i hav allus been poor, and haven’t been beforehanded enuff yet tew own a dog.
I mean sum time tew hav a rat tarrier, and then I suppoze, to enjoy myself, I shall have tew git sum rats. This iz the way with all the luxurys ov life, one luxury makes another one necessary. Thar iz one thing certain, if i ever do own a Nufoundland, or rat tarrier, they hav got tew be thorobred. I must kno all ov their relashuns, inkluding their mother-in-law, and if thare iz a blot on thur reputashun, as big as a fli spek, the dog wont sute me.
I must hav the pedigree all rite, if the dog aint wuth a kuss.
THE MONKEY
The monkey iz a human being, a little undersised, kivvered with hair, hitched to a tail, and filled with the devil.
Naturalists will tell you, if you ask them, that i am mistaken, that i mean well enuff, and don’t mean tew deceive ennybody, but the monkey iz not a human being, he iz simply a pun on humanity, a kind of malishus joke ov Jupiter’s, a libel, with a long tail tew it, a misterious mixtur ov ludikrous mischief, and stale humor, a kind of pacing hobbyhoss, or connekting gang-plank, between man in his dignity and the beast in his darkness.
I hav a hi opinyun ov the naturalist, and all kinds ov the dictionary fraternity, and touch mi hat tew them, when we meet, and i respect them for what they know, but don’t worship them for what they don’t know, as the heathens do, their wodden gods.
I don’t kare what the philosophers say they kan prove in this matter, i tell you confidenshally, mi christian friend, that you and the monkey, are relashuns.
I don’t pretend tew say that you are brothers and sisters, but i do pretend tew state, that monkeys, or enny other kind ov critters, who exercise reason, even if the light ov it, is dim az a number six dip candle, in the rays ov the noon day sun, are our relashuns, for a certain amount.
The only fence between the animal and brute folks, iz instinkt and reason, and if the natralist kant prove that the monkey don’t show a single glimmering ov reason, i say he must step oph from the monkey’s tail, and let him eat at the fust table.
The monkey iz imitative tew the highest degree, and imitashun iz a direkt transgreshun ov the law ov instinkt, and iz fallow ground within the domain of reazon.
Instinkt don’t step one single step aside, tew smell ov a flower or pull a cat’s tail.
But argument ain’t mi fighting weight, i git along the best by asserting things az they strike me, and i say upwards ov four thousand things every year, that i kant prove, enny more than i kan prove what melody iz.
The naturalist may hav their own way, but they kant hav mine, what little i know about things haz bin whispered tew me by the spirits, or some other romping critters, and is az distinkt and butiful, sumtimes to me, as a dream on an empty stummuk; it may be all wrong but it never iz viscious, and thus i konklude it iz edukashun.
Now i don’t advise ennybody else tew depend for their learning upon sich prekarious school masters, the best way iz tew follow the ruts, it will take you to town just az it did yure daddy.
The route that i travel iz cirkuitus and blind sometimes, it haz now and then a vista, or a landscape in it, that iz worth, tew me, more than a farm ov tillable land, but you kant raize good white beans on a landskape.
Whenever i drop mi subject, and begin tew strut in the subburbs ov sentimentility and proverbial pomposity, i alwus think ov a gobble turkey, in a barn-yard, on dress parade, and that is jist what i am thinking ov now, and therefore i will dismount from the turkey, and git aboard the monkey, (the monkey az he am) once more.
Pure deviltry iz the monkeys right bower; he iz only valuable, (az personal property) tew look at, and wonder what he iz a going tew do next.
He iz a jack at all trades, put him in a barber shop, he will lather, and try tew shave himself, and color his mustash, put him in a dri good store, and he will handle more goods, than the best retail clerk in A. T. Stewart’s employ.
The monkey haz not got a logikal head, it iz tew mutch like a pin hed, all in a heap to onst, but hiz face is a concentrated dew drop of malishus mischief.
He resembles the rat tarrier in countenance, and skratches hiz hed, az natral az a distrikt skool boy, and undoubtedly for the same reason.
Monkeys never grow enny older in expreshun, a yung monkey looks just like his grandpapa, melted up and born again.
They are sometimes kept as pets, but i should rather watch two adopted orphan boys, fresh from the Home of the Friendless, than two monkeys.
They will eat everything that a man will, except bolony sarsage, here they show more instinkt, than reason.
But after all, tho the monkey shows evident sighns ov reazon, they are, az a means ov praktikal grace, the most useless kritters i hav ever pondered over and skratched mi head about.
They won’t work, and they won’t play, unless they kan raize sum devil, they are too mutch like a human being in looks, and actions to kill off, it is impossible tew gaze at one and git mad at him, and it iz impossible tew laff at their smirking santanity, without getting mad at yureself.
If enny boddy should make me a present ov a monkey, i don’t know now, whether i should konsider it intended for malice, or a joke, but i do know, that i should send him back bi the same person that fetched him, tew the donor, marked in loud italicks —C. O. D.
In conklusion; thare iz only one thing that i have a grate supply ov doubt about, in reference tew the monkey, and that iz his moral stamina, while in the garden ov Eden, with the rest ov the critters, previous tew the time that Adam fell; – was he strickly on the square, or was he just az full ov the devil az he is now?
An answer tew the above konumdrum iz earnestly solicited.
THE PISSMIRE
The pissmire iz about 19 sizes bigger than the ant, aktual meazurement, and iz a kind ov bizzy loafer among bugs.
They are like sum men, alwus very bizzy about sumthing, but what it iz, the Lord only knows.
I never see a pissmire yet that wasn’t on the travel, but i hav watched them all day long, and never see them git tew the place they started for.
Just before a hard shower they are in the biggest hurry, they seem tew postpone every thing for that ockashun.
Thar iz a grate difference between hurry and dispatch, but pissmires dont seem to understand the difference.
If pissmires would go slower I should like them better, for i dont know ov ennything more unpleasant to view, than an aktive loafer.
A pissmire iz like a boys wind mill, on the gable end ov a smoke house, in a gale, the faster it goze round, the less common sense thare seems tew be in it.
If pissmires haint got a destiny ov sum kind tew fill they wear out more shu leather than thare iz enny religion in.
THE POLE KAT
My friend, did yu ever examin the fragrant pole kat clussly? I guess not, they are a kritter who won’t bear examining with a microskope.
They are butiful beings, but oh! how deceptive.
Their habits are phew, but unique.
They bild their houses out ov earth and the houses hav but one door tew them, and that iz a front door.
When they enter their houses they don’t shut the door after them.
They are called pole kats bekause it iz not convenient tew kill them with a klub, but with a pole, and the longer the pole the more convenient.
Writers on natural history, dissagree about the right length ov the pole tew be used, but i would suggest, that the pole be about 365 feet, espeshily if the wind iz in favor ov the pole kat.
When a pole kat iz suddenly walloped with a long pole, the fust thing he, she, or it duz, iz tew embalm the air, for menny miles in diameter, with an akrlmonious olifaktory refreshment, which permeates the ethereal fluid, with an entirely original smell.
This smell iz less popular, in the fashionable world, than lubins extrakt, but the day may cum when it will be bottled up like musk, and sold for 87 1-2 cents per bottle; bottles small at that.
A pole kat will remove the filling from a hens egg, without braking a hole in the shell, bigger than a marrow fat pea.
How this iz did historians hav left us to doubt.
This iz vulgarily called “surking eggs.”
This iz an accomplishment known amung humans, which it iz sed, they hav learnt from the pole kats.
Pole kats also deal in chickens, yung turkeys, and yung goslins.
They won’t tutch an old goose, they are sound on that question.
Man iz the only phellow who will attempt tew bight into an old goose, and his teeth fly oph a grate menny times before he loosens enny ov the meat.
A pole kat travels under an alias, which is called skunk. Thare iz a grate menny aliases that thare iz no accounting for, and this iz one ov them.
I hav kaught skunks in a trap. They are eazier tew git into a trap than tew git out ov it.
In taking them out ov a trap grate judgment must be had not tew shake them up; the more yu shake them up the more ambrosial they am.
One pole kat in a township is enuff, espeshily if the wind changes once in a while.
A pole kat skin iz wuth 2 dollars, in market, after it iz skinned, but it iz wuth 3 dollars and fifty cents tew skin him.
This iz one way tew make 12 shillings in a wet day.
THE WEAZEL
The weazel haz an eye like a hawk, and a tooth like a pickerel.
They kan see on all three sides of a right angle tri angle board fence, at once, and kan bite thru a side ov sole leather.
They alwus sleep with one eye open, and the other on the wink, and are quicker than spirits ov turpentine, and a lighted match.
It iz no disgrace for a streak ov litening tew strike at a weazel and miss him.
If I owned a weazel, litening mite strike at him all day for 50 cents a clap.
I hav tried tew kill them in a stun wall with a rifle, but they would dodge the ball, when it got within six inches ov them, and stick their heads out ov another krack, three feet further oph.
They are the hardest kritter amung the small game tew ketch or tew kill, yu kant coax one into a trap, and keep him thare, enny more than yu could ketch a ray of light, with a knot hole.
Weazles are skarse, but the supply alwus equals the demand, they aint useful only for one thing, and that iz, too kill chickens.
They will kill 14 chickens in one night, and take off the blood with them, leaving the corpse behind.
I hunted 3 weeks for a weazle once (it iz now six years ago), and knu just whare he waz all the the time, and hain’t got him yet.
I offered 10 dollars reward for him, and hold the stakes yet.
Every boy in that naborhood waz after that weazle nite and day, and I had tew withdraw the reward to keep from breaking up the distrikt skool.
The skoolmaster threatened tew su me if i didn’t, and i did it, for i hate a law suit rather wuss than i do a weazle.
A weazle’s skin, wore on the neck, it iz sed, will kure the quinsy sore thrut, but the phellow who sed this had a sure thing; he knu nobody could ketch the weazle.
I waz told, when i waz a boy, by a cunning cuss, that the way tew ketch a crow waz tew put sum salt on hiz tail. I prakticed all one summer on this, but never got sum crow.
I hav did things az foolish az this since i hav quit being a boy, but prefer tew keep mum what they are.
Weazles hav got no wisdum, but hav got what iz sumtimes mistaken for it, they hav got cunning.
Cunning stands in the same relashun tew wisdum that a tadpole duz tew a frog, he may git tew be a frog if he keeps on growing, but he aint one now.
Wisdum knows how tew jump, but about the best thing that cunning can do iz tew wiggle.
I hav saw cunning men who thought they waz wize, but i never saw a wise man who thought he waz cunning.
ANGLE WORMS
Are ov arth, arthy, and crawl for a living. They liv in ritch ground; ground that won’t raize angle-worms won’t raize ennything else, and whare angle-worms rejoice, corn iz sure to be bully. If yu want yure angleworms ov enny size, yu must manure yure sile. There aint nothing on arth more miserable tew ponder over and weep about than a half starved angle-worm. Angleworms are a sure crop on good sile, and handy tew hoe, for they plant and harvest themselfs. They don’t take up mutch room in the ground, and are az kind tew childen az a piece ov red tape.
It iz sed by the naturalists that angle worm ile, rubbed on the rear ov the neck, will kure a man ov the lies. I don’t beleave this, unless it kills the man. Death iz the only reliable heal for lieing that has bin diskovered yet.
When lieing gits into a man’s blood, the only way tew git it out, iz tew drain him dry.
Angle worms are used az an artikle ov diet tew ketch fish with; they are handy tew put onto a hook, and handy tew take oph, az enny boddy knows, who haz straddled a saw log and fished for daice all day long Sunday in a mill pond.
Old fishermen alwus carry their worms in their mouth.
Angle worms liv in a round hole, which they fit like a gimlet, and are diffrent from aul other creeps that I kno ov, for they alwus back into their holes.
Here the natral angle worm ends.
THE MOUSE
Ever since natur waz diskovered, mice hav had a hole tew till.
Paradise, az good a job az it waz, would not hav bin thoroughly fitted up without a mouse tew dart akross the bowers like a shaddo, and Eve would never have knu how tew skream pretty without one ov these little teachers.
Adam would never hav bin fit tew kontend with the job ov gitting a living outside the garden if he hadn’t trapped suckcessfully for a mouse.
Ketching a mouse iz the fust cunning thing that every man duz.
Mice are the epitome of shrewdness; their faces beam with sharp praktiss; their little noses smell ov cunning, and their little black-beaded eyes titter with pettit larceny.
They are az cheerful az the criket on the harth. I should be afrade tew buy a house that hadn’t a mouse-hole in it.
I like tew see them shoot out ov their hole in the korner, like a wad out ov a pop-gun, and stream akross the nursery, and to hear one nibble in the wainscot, in the midst ov the night, takes the death out ov silence.
Mice alwus move into a new house fust, and are there reddy tew receive and welkum the rest ov the family.
They are more ornamental than useful, ackording to the best informashun we hav az yet; but this iz the case with most things.
Mice cum into this world tew seek their fortune, four at a time, and lay in their little kradles ov cotton or wool, like bits ov rare-dun meat, for a month, with not a rag on them.
When they dine, they do it jist az a family ov yung piggs duz: each one at their own particular spot at the table, and it is seldum that yu see better-behaved boarders, or them that understand their bizzness more thoroughly.
I hav seen them at their meals, and i will take mi oath that everything iz orderly, and az strikly on the square, as a checker-board.
When mice hav reached their manhood, their tales are just the same length az their boddys. This would seem at fust sight tew be a grate waste ov tail.
The philosophik mind, ever at work, applying means tew ends, might be a bigg phool enuff tew want to know whi a bob-tailed mouse wouldn’t be a better finished job; but philosophy haz no bizzness tew alter things to suit the market. It must take mouse-tails just az they cum, and either glorify them, or shut up.
If there want ennybody in the natral philosophy trade, i hav thought it would be jist as well for natur bekause a man, if he kant orthodox a reason for the entire length ov a mouse’s tale iz often willing tew tell hiz nabors that the whole critter iz a failure.
Sutch iz man; but a mouse iz a mouse.
The mouse kan live ennywhare tew advantage, except in a church. They phatt very slow in a church. This goes tew show that they kant live on religion enny more than a minister kan. Religion iz excellent for digestion.
Thare aint a more prolifick thing on earth (prolifick ov fun i mean now) than a mouse in a distrikt school-house. They are better than a fire-cracker tew stir up a school-marm with, and are just the things tew throw spellin books at when they are on the run.
One mouse will edukate a parcell ov yung ones more in ten minnitts during school time than you can substrakt out ov their heds in three days with Daballs arithmetik.
Now thare iz many folks who kant see enny thing to write about in a mouse; but mice are full ov informashun. The only way that edukashun was fust discovered waz bi going tew school to natur. Books, if they are sound on the goose, are only natur in tipe.
A grate many kontend that a mouse iz a useless kritter; but kan they prove it?
I am willing to give an opinyun that too menny mice might not pay; but this applies to musketoze, elephants, and side-wheel steambotes.
A mouse’s tale iz az unhairy az a shustring. This iz another thing that bothers the philosophers, and i aint agoing to explain it unless i am paid for it.
I hav alreddy explained a grate menny things in the nuzepapers that i never got a cent for.
There aint nothing on earth that will fit a hole so snug az a mouse will. Yu would think they waz made on purpose for it, and they will fill it quicker, too, than ennything i ever saw. If yu want to see a mouse enter hiz hole, yu mustn’t wink. If do, yu will hav tew wait till next time.
I luv mice. They seem tew belong to us.
Rats i dont luv. They lack refinement.
THE YALLER DOG
Dogs hav infested this world just about az long az man haz, and will hang around it, az long az thare is enny grizzle left on a bone.
We hav no reliable ackount ov the fust dog, and probably shant hav ov the final one.
If Adam kept a tarrier, or Eve a poodle, the laps of ages hav washed away the fakt.
If Noah had a pair ov each breed ov dogs, on board ov hiz vessell, and only one pair ov fleas, he waz well ont for dogs, and poor ont for fleas. But history iz numb on this subjekt.
Esaw waz a mity hunter, but whether he kept a houn, or followed the cent himself, iz az ded, and departed to us, az the chirp ov the fust reliable cricket.
We read that Esaw sold out hiz birth rite for soup, and menny wonder at hiz extravegance, but Esaw diskovered arly, what menny a man haz diskovered since, that it iz hard work tew live on a pedigree.
If i waz starving, I wouldn’t hesitate tew swap oph all the pedigree I had, and all mi relashuns had, for a quart of pottage, and throw two grate grandfathers into the bargain.
But I don’t intend this essa for dogs in the lump, but for the individual yellar dog himself.
The yellar dog haz no pedigree, the blood in hiz veins iz az krude az petroleum, when it fust cums pumping out ov the earth, bitter, thick, and fiery.
He iz long, and lazily put together, hiz ears flop when he shacks along the dusty thoroughfare, and hiz tail iz a burden.
Thare iz no animashun in a yeller dog’s tail, it iz useless, the flies aint even afraid ov it, it iz wus than a 10 per cent mortgage tew the rest ov hiz boddy.
Whi the Yeller dog aint born diskounted, iz a mistery tew me, but when i ask miself, “Whare would yu hitch the tin pan to,” then at once the folly ov a bob tailed yeller dog, flashes on mi mind.
Ever since this kontinent waz found bi Christopher Columbus, in 1492, and for what i kno, much time previous tew that, the Yeller dog haz been a vagrant, travelling bi moon lite, and hungry bi natur.
Whare he cums from noboddy seems to know, and if yu speak a kind word tew him, he thinks it a kite in disguise, and straddling hiz tail, with both hind legs, he goes suspicious, and sideways, on his lonesum jurney.
Mankind hav made him a vagabond, and life to him iz made up ov starvashun, and brickbats.
If he cums out ov hiz lurking place in the hot ov august, he iz a “mad dog,” and the common council at once assemble, the riot act iz read, 50 dollars reward iz offered, men cum panting into town, crieing “mad dog,” their two horse waggon waz bit that morning, bi a yaller dog, the fury rages, old guns are kleaned up, the cannon iz run out on the village green, dames talk to dames ov the awful event, men look sober and defiant, boys pocket their marbles in the midst ov the game, pigs run squealing tew their hovels, and the whole boddy politik surges with horror.
The poor innocent whelp haz done hiz worst, and while a whole village iz in the extacys ov hydrophobia he has passed on, and may be seen, tugging away, in the subburbs, at the shin bone ov a departed omnibus hoss.
The yeller dog haz but one friend among men, and that iz the darkey.
A common misfortune links them together.
Why iz it, that the old negro, and hiz yeller dog, are vagabonds on the face ov the earth?
Mans inhumanity iz wuss than the malice ov wild beasts.
A day ov reckoning will cum, a day ov judgment, and i kant tell but what the yeller dog will be thare, a mute witness, and then, and thare, will the grate problem be solved.
This wurld iz phull ov grate wrongs, and the next one will az certainly be az phull ov grate retribushuns.
I kant endure the sight ov oppreshun, it disgraces mi manhood, if i had money enuff i would like tew buy even all the yeller dogs thare iz now on the buzzum ov the earth, and make them respekted and happy.
But i haint got the money, nor never shall hav, but az long az i hav strength tew steer a gooze quill, and blood enuff in mi heart for ink, i will bid mankind beware ov oppreshun, i dont kare whether it is in hi places or low, the oppreshun ov caste, the oppreshun ov wealth, or even the low, and degrading oppreshun, ov a tin pale, in hot pursuit, ov the friendless, yelping, yeller dog.
Yeller dogs will sumtime, and sumwhare, hav their day, and when the huge piles ov brikbats, and mountains ov old tin ware, cums into court, i want tew be thare, for i am anxious tew know what the line ov defence will be.
