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"10. So soon born, so soon dead; so long lying in thy mother's womb, so great crimes are committed in the world. How then, O man! canst thou live here below with complacency?

"11. There are eight original mountains, and seven seas: – Brahma, Indra, the Sun, and Kudra, – these are permanent; not thou, not I, not this or that people; what, therefore, should occasion our sorrow?

"12. In thee, in me, in every other, Vishnu resides; in vain art thou angry with me, not bearing my reproach: this is perfectly true, all must be esteemed equal; be not proud of a magnificent palace."

When the reader takes a cursory view of the principal doctrines and precepts of the Hindoo Vedas, he may be very apt to imagine that the writer, or writers, have received their information from some other source than the fragments of a broken law, which are still imprinted upon the mind of man, even in a state of nature; and he may not unlikely suppose, that these men had this knowledge – although remote and much corrupted, from our sacred volume; particularly as that part, entitled "The Ignorant Instructed," seems to partake of the style of Solomon in the book of Ecclesiastes. But if you make a more minute investigation, you will see much wanting, and much wrong; and no marvel, for they who are deprived of the great blessing of revelation, or they who despise it, or wish to be wise above what is written, are like people groping in the dark; and will certainly either fall short of the truth, or stumble over it altogether. Those sages of antiquity, to whom the writers seem to refer, were perhaps distinguished for their wisdom; yet by that very wisdom they knew not God in his saving characters. Man may know, to a certain extent, that there is a God; because "the heavens declare his glory, and the firmament sheweth his handy-works." And the apostle says, in his epistle to the Romans, that "the Gentiles, which have not the law, do by nature the things contained in the law, these, having not the law, are a law unto themselves: which shew the work of the law written in their hearts; their conscience also bearing witness, and their thoughts the meanwhile accusing, or else excusing one another." I say, therefore, that by the external and internal aid which man is possessed of, even in a state of nature, he may know by natural religion that there is a God; yet it is impossible that he should come to the knowledge of God in reference to man, as a guilty, depraved, miserable captive, and yet a condemned slave, redeemed by a price of infinite value. No; it never has, it never will, "enter into the heart of man," unassisted by revelation, to come to a saving knowledge of God, "even that knowledge which is eternal life." Let us, therefore, bless God for our Bibles, and willingly give our prayers, and our purses also, "according as God hath prospered us," to send the Gospel to that country "where there is no vision, and where the people are perishing for lack of this knowledge;" for, "How can they believe in him of whom they have not heard? and how can they hear without preachers? and how can they preach except they be sent?" And, when we consider that there are computed to be no less than sixty millions even in India in that lamentable condition, of "being without the knowledge of the true God, and Jesus Christ whom he hath sent," how ought it to stir up our minds to sympathise with their condition, and to give, cheerfully and liberally, "not grudgingly, or of necessity; for the Lord loveth a cheerful giver: and the liberal soul shall be made fat?"

CHAPTER XII

January 29, 1814.– The detachments of invalids from Punamalee embarked at Madras on board the Marquis Wellington and Princess Charlotte of Wales. The Marquis Wellington, of nine hundred tons, wherein I was, received sixty of these invalids, viz. a party of the Royals, detachments from the 30th, 69th, 80th, 89th, and 25th light dragoons. We had very bad accommodation on board of this ship, having no less than sixteen sick men between each gun, many of whom could do nothing for themselves.

We had a long and very disagreeable passage; but I could have submitted to all the hardships attending the voyage much better, had it not been the dreadful wickedness that prevailed among us, as I shall have occasion to exemplify: but, indeed, this was the principal objection I had all along to the army; and it was the uncommon wickedness of my own regiment which rendered my other troubles less tolerable. But, to return to the children: when we embarked, an exact list of the names of the men was sent along with us; and when my name was called, and the children given in as belonging to me, the question was very naturally asked, Why is one of these children named Fleming, and the other Lee, when you are Serjeant B.? I related to them the story of the children in as few words as possible, all the time dreading lest they should not be permitted to go home with us; but the Lord, who has the "hearts of all men in his hand, and turns them as the rivers of water," gave us favour in the eyes of the Captain, who not only allowed them to go, but in a very short time after we sailed ordered his steward to give us regularly some broken meat after dinner. In this, he not only relieved the fatherless, but us also; for I generally received as much as sufficed both for my wife and myself. This was a great blessing; for, had I been obliged to take the ship's provisions, I certainly would have been at a great loss, considering my weak state of body, and the perpetual thirst to which I was subject. Here I thought I saw the blessing of God attending us for our kindness to the orphans. Here the Lord proved himself to be "a father to the fatherless," in putting it into our hearts to have compassion upon them; and, "when father and mother (in a certain sense) had forsaken them, then the Lord had thus taken them up."

I shall omit the greater part of my journal concerning this voyage; as there is a great variety of matter in which the reader could take no interest; such as our progress, the latitudes the ship reached at different dates – the number of torn sails, and broken yards – the dates of men's deaths, and to what regiments they belonged, &c. and notice a few circumstances which deeply interested me; and these I will state in nearly the same words as those in which they are inserted in my journal, that you may see how they affected me at the time, and to enable you better to understand what was my situation, and what sort of companions I had on board. I have noted down part of their discourse, just as it was uttered; and although you cannot be entertained, but rather shocked at the wickedness of man, and astonished at his depravity, yet the perusal may answer one good purpose; it may, by the blessing of God, render you more thankful that you are not compelled, as I was, to live among such monsters; but that you have a home, be it never so homely, and opportunity given you to read, meditate, and pray; that you have your Sabbaths and your ordinances; and, in a word, "That you can sit under your vines and fig trees, having none to make you afraid."

It was considerably against my comfort, while I was in this ship, that I was almost totally deprived of my wife's company; for a Captain Gordon of our regiment, who wished us both well, recommended her to a lady, whom she attended during the passage, and who paid her very handsomely for her trouble. This lady being in very delicate health, my wife was almost constantly employed in her cabin. I therefore had neither the pleasure of her company, nor much of her assistance in looking after the orphans; so that, I may say, I was both father and mother to them during the voyage.

March 20.– I see the Sabbath is always particularly pitched upon for wickedness of various kinds. I have thought that it was upon account of my taking more particular notice of what was going on, and having a greater desire to get myself composed for reading or serious reflection upon this day, that led me to think it worse employed than any other; but I perceive that I have been mistaken, for I find, upon a more careful examination, that upon the Lord's day these poor creatures seem as it were to think it a kind of unnecessary, as well as a disagreeable restraint put upon them; and that they therefore determine not to submit to it; and are resolved to make it appear that they are such brave fellows that God shall not restrain them; but, by their words, as well as their actions, say, "Our tongue is our own, who is lord over us? surely we will break his bands asunder, and cast away his chords from us."

This morning is introduced by swearing, obscene songs, abusing God's holy ordinances, and trampling upon his laws: – One man says, "Boys, get ready for drill;" another makes answer, "Drill, d – n! drill upon a Sunday;" a third begins an obscene song, painful upon any day to a modest ear; while a fourth says, "Leary, don't you know this is Sunday?" to which he makes answer, "Yes; and that his song was the text." This is certainly too much for me: I will go upon deck, and see if I can find any peace there; but when I went upon deck, there was one of our fine Scotsmen singing the "Blue Bells of Scotland," and the ship-officers pouring out the most horrid oaths against the seamen; while they, in return, were nothing behind, only in a lower tone, from fear of being heard. Oh, where shall I fly from these detestable beings, "whose throat is an open sepulchre, and whose mouth is full of cursing and bitterness!" This is my company upon the Lord's day; this is all I get for a sermon, – even cursing and swearing, obscene songs, and filthy communications. It is dreadful! I think, were there no other torments in hell but such society, there is an infinite cause of gratitude due to that compassionate Saviour, "who has delivered his people from it;" but exercise patience, O my soul! consider that "the Lord knoweth how to deliver the godly out of temptations, as well as to reserve the unjust until the day of judgment, to be punished." I yet hope to have my Sabbaths and my ordinances. I yet hope to assemble with the people of God in his house of prayer, and, from a real experience, to say, "How amiable are thy tabernacles, O Lord of Hosts! my soul longeth, yea, even fainteth, for the courts of the Lord; my heart and my flesh crieth out for the living God," &c.

March 26.– Ten o'clock, P.M. One of the 30th Regiment departed this life. We have had a most alarming night of it, having a breeze right aft, and a sea running mountains high. It was necessary to support the masts with strong hawsers, to keep them from going over board. Upon the upper deck two of the carronades broke loose, with the smith's forge, and one of the pig styes; and upon the gun deck, all was a jumbled mass of confusion: the eighteen pound shot, foul water buckets, tins, tin-pots, salt beef, biscuit; with hats, knapsacks, red coats, and bags, knocking about among the salt water that was shipping down the hatchways. What with the noise of wind and waves above, and the rumbling and tumbling below, it was hardly possible to hear one another speak; and, when you add to all this, our being in pitch darkness²¹, you may see our situation was by no means enviable, but, on the contrary, very alarming and dangerous; yet these men could not forbear cursing and swearing, and flying in the face of him that could have sent us all to the bottom in a moment, ("and, O the infinite patience and forbearance of that God who did not!") I say, had we at this time gotten a watery grave, many of these hell-hardened creatures must have gone into the presence of their offended judge, blaspheming his holy and reverend name. O what a dreadful state is it to be hardened in such a manner as to be unable to cease from this drudgery even for a single hour when awake, but to "be led captive by Satan at his will!" I have often thought, and it appears to me quite scriptural, that the wicked arrive at a state of far greater perfection in sin, and ripeness for hell in this world, than the people of God do in holiness and meekness for heaven, because they are the willing "servants of sin, and free from righteousness;" but the people of God carry about with them, while here, a "deceitful heart," which often betrays them into that "which their renewed natures abhor," and makes them cry out, "O wretched man!" But it is truly a happy consideration, that when the "earthly house of this tabernacle is dissolved," sin shall give us no more annoyance, for "we shall behold his face in righteousness, and shall be satisfied when we awake with his likeness," and shall inhabit that holy "house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens."

March 27.– The Psalmist says, in the cvii. Psalm, "They that go down to the sea in ships, and do business in the great waters; these see the works of the Lord, and his wonders in the deep, for he commandeth, and raiseth the stormy wind, which lifteth up the waves thereof; they mount up to the heavens, they go down again into the deep; they reel to and fro, and stagger like a drunken man." Surely they that are in such a situation, see much of the Almighty power of that glorious Being, "who holds the wind in his fist, and the waters in the hollow of his hand;" but in this ship, at least, we do not make a right improvement of such striking calls to heavenly contemplation; for we are this day viewing these wonderful displays of omnipotence, but appear to be as insensible to their language as the finny inhabitants of the great deep.

We had prayers read this day upon the quarter deck, which we heard with difficulty; but the sound was scarcely out of our ears, when some of our fine Scotsmen were at their old trade of cursing and swearing, whistling and singing, regardless both of the Lord's day, and the solemnity of his ordinances. I do not say but the men of other countries are fully as wicked; but I think it much more strange of Scotsmen; because, generally speaking, they receive better instruction, and have had a better example set before them in their youth; and, consequently, their sin is attended with many aggravations. But I hope the time will come, when I shall have it in my power to hear the Gospel preached, and be free from such depraved society; for "as the hart panteth after the water brooks, so panteth my soul after thee, O God! My soul thirsteth for God, for the living God; when shall I come and appear before God?"

April 3.– This is my birth-day; and I find it also to be the Sabbath, by the way it has been introduced. I shall here note down a specimen or two of the discourse I am at present compelled to hear, that if it please the Lord to spare me to get out of this wicked place, where the works of darkness are carried on, and where the prince of darkness dwells, I may look at this, and remember my situation, and bless God for my deliverance. They are now talking of the different situations they are to hold when they go to h – ll. One says, he will be door-keeper; another, that he will be ferryman to row them over the river Styx; a third, that he is too bad for God, and he is sure that the Devil will have nothing to do with him; and, therefore, he must stand fast like the Old Buffs! But now they begin to blaspheme the "great and terrible name of God!" I will not write their awful expressions, but go out of the way a little, and, perhaps their discourse may be less shocking when I return; but I cannot expect much improvement while I am in this ship, because it is quite natural for them to speak in this way. For it is "out of the abundance of their heart that their mouth speaketh;" and they love to speak the language of hell, because it is their native country; and people are generally fond of speaking about the place they belong to.

April 8.– This is Good Friday I understand, by some of our strict religionists refusing to eat flesh. Yes, poor creatures, they are afraid of polluting themselves, although they can vomit up a belly-full of oaths without any remorse; and likewise trample upon every thing that is sacred. They are surely a sad compound of ignorance and superstition, for they do not consider that it is not that which entereth into a man that can defile him; but that which cometh out of him: these are the things which defile the man.

Early in the morning of the 10th of April we came in sight of the long-wished for island of St. Helena. This was a place which had been looked forward to with great eagerness by many in the ship besides myself, although the objects we had in view were, I doubt not, very different; for, so far as I am able to judge of my deceitful heart, the principal motive with me was the hope of seeing the Bengal and China fleets forward, as was generally expected, that we might not be detained waiting for them, but steer straight onward for Europe, and thus, by a prosperous voyage, I might be enabled sooner to leave these wicked scenes, and arrive the sooner at that happy country where the blessed streams of divine ordinances that make glad the city of our God flow in all their abundance. This was what I believe I eagerly coveted; my desires were, above all things, going out towards God, and towards the remembrance of his name; but I have every reason to believe the principal cause why many of my shipmates wished our arrival at St. Helena so intensely, was on account of their not having had it in their power, for a considerable time, to gratify a certain very strong propensity, produced by habit; or, in other words, there had raged amongst us, for some weeks, a famine of tobacco; the men had not counted on so tedious a passage to St. Helena, and, from this fatal mistake, they had not provided themselves with a sufficient stock before they came on board. The condition of many of these poor, miserable men, was indeed fitted to draw pity from all who knew from experience any thing of the amazing force of that desire, and take into account the present impossibility of getting it gratified, while, on the other hand, those who are free men, and not slaves to this lust, might be disposed to treat such people with contempt rather than sympathy, for being brought into such a miserably restless condition for the lack of an insignificant, unsightly leaf, and might think, if they had been in their circumstances, they would have thrown the pipe overboard, and have resolved against ever touching it again in their lives; but this is easier said than done, and this I know was a sacrifice which my unhappy shipmates found entirely too great to be accomplished. – No, to leave off smoking, and to cast away the pipe as a nuisance, was altogether out of the question; for smoke they must, although the appetite by which they were held in bondage compelled them to employ a strange and disgusting substitute for tobacco; for they had, for a number of days, been under the necessity of using a bit of tarry-rope yarn, in the form of oakum, with which they filled their pipes; and at that sickening stuff they would suck away until they were like persons in the rage of a fever, occasioned by the immoderate use of intoxicating liquors. We here see the great need there is for putting in practice the Apostle's resolution, "to beat under the body and keep it in subjection," that we may not be brought under the power of habits and practices, which, if not absolutely sinful in themselves, are almost sure to lead to much evil. This was, however, a great misery from which I was exempted; for although I had used tobacco for a series of years, my propensity to it by this time was completely abated. The reason of my giving up the use of tobacco was this: – Previously to our leaving Punamalee, I went to the doctor in charge of invalids, and told him I was afraid that smoking was unfavourable to my constitution, as it always excited a great palpitation at my breast, and a considerable desire to drink. He told me that if it produced such effects as I had described, it would be much better for me to give it up if I possibly could; but added he was afraid that I would find it rather difficult, as it was a habit not easily overcome. However, I promised to take his advice, and accordingly the moment I entered the barracks, I gave all my sea-stock of pipes and tobacco to one of the men; and by this one act, and the putting in full force the resolution I had formed, I was soon delivered from the desire itself, and was exempted from the dreadful effects of the present famine of that plant; the want of which has caused so much uneasiness to individuals, and such great disturbances and privations in families; and which, in no small degree, drove on our unprincipled shipmates to curse father and mother, the day of their birth, and even that providence that had placed them in circumstances wherein it was impossible for them to obtain it. But although I was not in their state with regard to that tormenting desire, yet the intelligent Christian reader will easily perceive some resemblance between their condition and mine. The expedient to which they had recourse in the absence of tobacco, gave them considerably more pain than pleasure, and rather mocked and tantalized, than gratified their propensity.

In like manner, I may say, that in my attempts to get any spiritual consolation, I had more pain than profit; for when I set myself to read, meditate, or pray, I was sure to meet with some miserable opposition to distract my mind, which, perhaps, proved as great a trial to me as it would have been to one of these persons, at that time, to have had a pipe full of good tobacco snatched from his mouth, when he was in the act of enjoying it after his long abstinence. I use this similitude as I cannot find one upon the whole more suitable to represent my condition. They however had, on our arrival at St. Helena, considerably the advantage of me, for we were hardly well anchored when the idol of their hearts was presented to them; but, alas! it was far otherwise with me; for, to my great mortification, there seemed no great likelihood of my soon enjoying that happiness which "my soul was following hard after;" for, instead of the fleets being forward, there was only one outward-bound Indiaman lying in the bay. I see, therefore, O my soul! that there is nothing for it but patience; and, O Lord, grant that patience may have her perfect work, and let my present state of tribulation work patience, and a hope that will not make ashamed; and yet it is heart-breaking to think that I may be in this ship, and among these men, three months longer; but, O my soul, wait thou upon the Lord in the best way you can; be of good courage and he shall strengthen thine heart. Wait, I say, on the Lord. Commit thy way unto the Lord, trust also in him, and he shall bring it to pass. He shall even give thee the desire of thine heart.

April 20.– I was sent ashore to St. Helena this day, to bring two of our invalids on board. They received a pass until three o'clock yesterday, but did not return until I brought them from the main-guard, being confined for some misbehaviour ashore.

There was one of the 25th light dragoons died this day. We have had several deaths; but I mention this because of some circumstances attending it, as a further illustration of the character of those people amongst whom I dwell. I was amusing myself with a tune upon my violin, to drown the painful sound of that cursing and swearing which abounds, when one of the men interrupted me by saying, "Serjeant B – , don't you know that there is a man dying?" I answered, that "I did not know that he had been so ill." I went, therefore, immediately to see him, and found one of his comrades standing by the side of his hammock, attempting to comfort him in his own way. Another of his comrades, with a horrid curse, said, "Let him alone; let him sleep away, can't you?" But while he was yet speaking, the spirit of the dying man departed; and now they are beginning to enumerate all his good qualities, which, alas for him, were very few. One says he was a – good fellow; another, he was a bloody good soldier; and a third, he was a h – h obliging fellow; and a fourth wished himself to be d – d if he should be thrown into the sea, for he would collect money in the ship to bury him ashore; while one of the former speakers declares, that he had prayed to God for him, and was sure he must now be happy. "Surely even the tender mercies of the wicked are cruel." – "My soul, come not thou into their secret, into their assembly mine honour be not thou united." I could have wished to have spoken to them about the absurdity, as well as the criminality of such conduct; but I knew that it would have had a bad effect, as it "would be giving that which is holy to dogs, and casting pearls before swine; and, therefore, they would no doubt have trampled them under their feet," and turned upon me with abusive language, and thus have sunk themselves deeper in guilt; so, upon a due consideration, I saw it to be my wisdom to keep "my mouth as with a bridle." But while I am yet writing, their temporary feelings of grief are over, and now they commence singing, and swearing, and arguing. Now from words they are coming to blows: I certainly must interfere, as being a part of my duty; but already the fight is over, and they are becoming more quiet. There is some disturbance upon deck: I will go and find out what is the cause. I have just learned, that the man who was talking so much about his prayers for the person just departed, was taken in the act of throwing himself overboard! – Poor creature, you are rescued from the jaws of death a little longer. But what can I expect from such men? He who infallibly knew "what is in man, and needed not that any should testify unto him", says that "a corrupt tree cannot bring forth good fruit."

April 23.– The dead man was interred this day upon the island; but it certainly would have been much better had he been thrown overboard in the usual manner; for the men, embracing the opportunity of getting ashore, where they could have plenty of liquor, returned at night drunk, and we had truly a dismal ship of it. It was no doubt insufferable at all times to a person who desired good order and quietness; but this night was by far the most dreadful we have experienced, for all the foul and detestable language that the devil and themselves could invent was brought forward; every thing that was horrid in cursing and swearing seemed to have been collected on this occasion; and their obscenity went so far as to expose their fathers and mothers in such a way as was shocking beyond conception. Had they really been begotten and born by the worst men and women that ever lived, it was impossible that they could have been guilty of what their vile children now laid to their charge. "But woe to the man that saith unto his father, what begettest thou? and to the woman, what hast thou brought forth?"

This was not all: One of them openly threatened to have blood for supper! and that lives should go for it before the morning, if the devil was alive, and as sure as God Almighty was – ! but I dare not venture to pollute my paper, or shock my readers, by reciting his expressions, which were only fit for the ears of men already in the place of everlasting torment. I had too much reason to think that my wife and I were the objects of his malice, and I did not know how to act. I knew that to confine him would only make matters worse when he should be released again; for he would then have some shadow of excuse for taking his revenge. His malice, as far as I knew, was entirely unfounded, for we had done him no harm, unless it was by conducting ourselves in a manner somewhat like what we ought to do; or because he saw us taken favourable notice of by the Captain, on account of the children. I therefore thought it would be our duty to remain upon deck, until the heat of his rage, and the heat of the liquor, were a little abated. But I found myself in too weakly a state of body to expose myself so long to the cold damp air, else I would have been inclined to this measure; for I saw, that to go below was attended with danger. After some deliberation, I resolved to commit myself and family to the care of the "keeper of Israel, who neither slumbers nor sleeps;" and we accordingly went to our hammocks, yielding ourselves wholly to the protection of our heavenly Father, in language similar to that of the Psalmist, when exposed to still more imminent dangers: "In thee, O Lord, do I put my trust; let me never be put to confusion. Deliver me in thy righteousness, and cause me to escape; incline thine ear unto me, and save me. Be thou my strong habitation, whereunto I may continually resort: thou hast given commandment to save me; for thou art my rock and my fortress. Deliver me, O my God, out of the hand of the wicked; out of the hand of the unrighteous and cruel man: for thou art my hope, O Lord God: thou art my trust from my youth. O Lord, be thou our hiding place; thou alone can preserve us from trouble;" and, in thy good time, O our God, do thou "compass us about with songs of deliverance."

We therefore lay down and slept quietly, because "the Lord made us to dwell in safety," even in the midst of danger. But after my first sleep, which was sweet, as my manner was, I arose to put the children to rights; and the first thing I laid my hand on, upon the top of my chest, was a razor fixed into a piece of wood, with a ring of lead round the handle; but my astonishment and terror were much increased, when I next found Mr. H., the man who had used the threatening language, lying upon the deck beside the chest, fast asleep. You may be sure I was not a little surprised to find matters in this state; for although I did suspect, and had great reason to suspect, that he intended us mischief, yet I partly persuaded myself, that after he had worn himself out with cursings, and threatenings of slaughter and vengeance, he would have become quiet, and forgotten us; but I now saw it to be otherwise: for here was a tolerably clear proof that he intended to carry his threats into execution against us when asleep; "but he that was for us, was stronger than all that were against us." Blessed be God, who delivered us from this "bloody and deceitful man." I thought it would be the best way to make no noise about it; and therefore threw the razor overboard, without even telling my wife the circumstance at the time, and returned again to my hammock, until gun-fire. But, as a proof that my suspicions were well-founded, I must notice, that this razor never was inquired after. Had it belonged to any other of the men, there is little doubt but that they would have made a noise about it: and I would farther remark, that this man's conduct towards us was henceforth very different from what it had formerly been, being much more friendly during the time we remained in the ship.