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THE PROFANE FEAST
The ARGUMENT
Our Erasmus most elegantly proposes all the Furniture of this Feast; the Discourses and Behaviour of the Entertainer and the Guests, &c. Water and a Bason before Dinner. The Stoics, the Epicureans; the Form of the Grace at Table. It is good Wine that pleases four Senses. Why Bacchus is the Poets God; why he is painted a Boy. Mutton very wholsome. That a Man does not live by Bread and Wine only. Sleep makes some Persons fat. Venison is dear. Concerning Deers, Hares, and Geese: They of old defended the Capitol at Rome. Of Cocks, Capons and Fishes. Here is discoursed of by the by, Fasting. Of the Choice of Meats. Some Persons Superstition in that Matter. The Cruelty of those Persons that require these Things of those Persons they are hurtful to; when the eating of Fish is neither necessary, nor commanded by Christ. The eating of Fish is condemned by Physicians. The chief Luxury of old Time consisted in Fishes. We should always live a sober Life. What Number of Guests there should be at an Entertainment. The Bill of Fare of the second Course. The Magnificence of the French. The ancient Law of Feasts. Either drink, or begone. A Variation of Phrases. Thanksgiving after Meat.
AUSTIN, CHRISTIAN, a BOY.
Au. O, my Christian, God bless you.
Ch. It is very well that you are come. I am glad you're come. I congratulate myself that you are come. I believe it has not struck five yet.
Boy. Yes, it is a good While past five. It is not far from six. It is almost six. You'll hear it strike six presently.
Au. It is no great Matter whether I come before five or after five, as long as I am not come after Supper; for that is a miserable Thing, to come after a Feast is over. What's all this great Preparation for? What means all this Provision? What, do you think I'm a Wolf? Do you take me for a Wolf? Do you think I'm a Vulture?
Ch. Not a Vulture, nor yet do I think you a Grashopper, to live upon Dew. Here is nothing of Extravagancy, I always lov'd Neatness, and abhor Slovenliness. I am for being neither luxurious nor niggardly. We had better leave than lack. If I dress'd but one Dish of Peas, and the Soot should chance to fall in the Pot and spoil it, what should we have to eat then? Nor does every Body love one Thing; therefore I love a moderate Variety.
Au. An't you afraid of the sumptuary Laws?
Ch. Nay, I most commonly offend on the contrary Side. There is no need of the Fannian Law at our House. The Slenderness of my Income teaches me Frugality sufficiently.
Au. This is contrary to our Agreement. You promised me quite otherwise.
Ch. Well, Mr. Fool, you don't stand to your Agreement. For it was agreed upon that you should bring nothing but merry Tales. But let us have done with these Matters, and wash, and sit down to Supper. Soho, Boy, bring a little Water and a Bason; hang a Towel over your Shoulder, pour out some Water. What do you loiter for? Wash, Austin.
Au. Do you wash first.
Ch. Pray excuse me. I had rather eat my Supper with unwashen Hands this twelve Months.
Au. O ridiculous! 'Tis not he that is the most honourable, but he that is the dirtiest that should wash first; then do you wash as the dirtiest.
Ch. You are too complaisant. You are more complaisant than enough; than is fitting. But to what Purpose is all this Ceremony? Let us leave these trifling Ceremonies to Women, they are quite kick'd out of the Court already, although they came from thence at first. Wash three or four at a Time. Don't let us spend the Time in these Delays. I won't place any Body, let every one take what Place he likes best. He that loves to sit by the Fire, will sit best here. He that can't bear the Light let him take this Corner. He that loves to look about him, let him sit here. Come, here has been Delays enough. Sit down. I am at Home, I'll take my Supper standing, or walking about, which I like best. Why don't you sit down, Supper will be spoiled.
Au. Now let us enjoy ourselves, and eat heartily. Now let us be Epicures. We have nothing to do with Superciliousness. Farewell Care, let all Ill-will and Detraction be banished. Let us be merry, pleasant, and facetious.
Ch. Austin, pray who are those Stoics and Epicures?
Au. The Stoics are a certain melancholy, rigid, parcimonious Sect of Philosophers, who make the Summum bonum of Mankind, to consist in a certain, I can't tell what, honestum. The Epicures are the Reverse of these, and they make the Felicity of a Man to consist in Pleasure.
Ch. Pray what Sect are you of, a Stoic or an Epicure?
Au. I recommend Zeno's Rules; but I follow Epicurus's Practice.
Ch. Austin, what you speak in Jest, a great many do in Earnest, and are only Philosophers by their Cloaks and Beards.
Au. Nay, indeed they out-live the Asots in Luxury.
Ch. Dromo, come hither. Do your Office, say Grace.
Boy. "May he that feeds all Things by his Bounty, command his Blessing upon what is or shall be set upon this Table. Amen."
Ch. Set the Victuals on the Table. Why do we delay to eat up this Capon? Why are we afraid to carve this Cock?
Au. I'll be Hercules, and slay this Beast. Which had you rather have, a Wing or a Leg?
Ch. Which you will, I don't matter which.
Au. In this Sort of Fowls the Wing is look'd upon the best; in other Fowls the Leg is commonly esteemed the greater dainty Bit.
Ch. I put you to a great Deal of Trouble. You take a great Deal of Trouble upon you, upon my Account. You help every Body else, and eat nothing yourself. I'll help you to this Wing; but upon this Condition, that you shall give me Half of it back.
Au. Say you so, that is serving yourself and not me; keep it for yourself. I am not so bashful as to want any Body to help me.
Ch. You do very well.
Au. Do you carve for a Wolf? Have you invited a Vulture?
Ch. You fast. You don't eat.
Au. I eat more than any Body.
Ch. Nay, rather, you lye more than any Body. Pray be as free as if you were at your own House.
Au. I take myself to be there. I do so. I am resolv'd so to do. I design to do so.
Ch. How does this Wine please you? Does this Wine please your Palate?
Au. Indeed it pleases me very well. Indeed it pleases mightily. It pleases me well enough. It pleases me very well.
Ch. Which had you rather have, Red or White?
It is no Matter what Colour it is.
Au. Indeed I like both alike. It is no Matter what Colour 'tis, so the Taste be pleasing. I don't much mind how the Wine pleases the Eye, so it do but please the Palate. I an't much mov'd at the Sight of it, if the Taste be but grateful. It is no great Matter what Colour it is of, or what Colour it has, if it does but taste well. I don't desire to please my Eyes if I can but please my Taste. If it do but please the Palate, I don't regard the Colour, if it be well relish'd.
Ch. I believe so: But there are some Persons that are mighty deeply read in Table Philosophy, who deny that the Wine can be good, unless it pleases four Senses: The Eye, with its Colour; the Nose, with its Smell; the Palate, with its Taste; the Ears, by its Fame and Name.
Au. O ridiculous! What signifies Fame to Drink?
Ch. As much as many that have a good Palate mightily approve of Lovain Wine, when they believe it to be Bern Wine.
Au. It may be, they had spoiled their Palate by much Drinking.
Ch. No, before they had drank one Drop. But I have a Mind to hear your Opinion, who are a Man of great Skill in these Matters.
Au. Our Countrymen prefer White before Red, because the Red is a little more upon the Acid, and the White a smaller Wine; but that is the milder, and in my Opinion the more wholsome.
Ch. We have a pale red Wine, and a yellow Wine, and a purple Colour Wine. This is new Wine, this Year's Wine. This is two Years old, if any Body is for an old Wine. We have some four Years old, but it is grown flat and dead with Age. The Strength is gone with Age.
Au. Why, you're as rich as Lucullus.
Ch. Soho, Boy, where are you a loitering? You give us no Attendance; don't you see we have no Wine here? What if a Fire should happen now? How should we put it out? Give every one a full Glass. Austin, What's the matter that you are not merry? What makes you sit so Melancholy? What's the Matter with you, that you an't chearful? You are either troubled at something, or you're making Verses. You play the Crysippus now, you want a Melissa to feed you.
Au. What Story is this you are telling me of?
Ch. Crysippus is reported to have been so intent upon his logical Subtilties, that he would have been starved at Table, unless his Maid Melissa had put the Meat into his Mouth.
Au. He did not deserve to have his Life sav'd; but if Silence is an Offence to you, and you love a noisy Feast, you have gotten that will make one.
Ch. I remember I have. That's very well minded: We must drink more freely, we ought to drink more largely, more Wine and less Water.
You have hit on the Matter.
Au. You have hit the Nail on the Head. You are in the Right. You have hit the Mark. For, Foecundi calices quem non fecere disertum?
Ch. That is very learnedly spoken, Austin, and so indeed is all that comes from you; but since we are fallen into a Discourse concerning Wine, since we have happen'd to make mention of Wine, I have a mind to ask you, for what Reason the Ancients, who will have Bacchus the Inventor of Wine, call him the God of the Poets? What has that drunken God to do with Poets, who are the Votaries of the Virgin Muses?
Au. By Bacchus, this is a Question fit to be put over a Bottle. But I see very well, what your Question drives at.
Ch. What, prithee?
Au. You very cunningly put a Question about Wine, by a French Trick, which I believe you learn'd at Paris, that you may save your Wine by that Means. Ah, go your Way, I see you're a Sophister; you have made a good Proficiency in that School.
Ch. Well, I take all your Jokes; I'll return the like to you, when Opportunity shall offer. But to the Matter in Hand.
Au. I'll go on, but I'll drink first, for it is absurd to dispute about a tippling Question with a dry Throat. Here's to you Christian. Half this Cup to you.
Ch. I thank you kindly. God bless it to you, much good may it do you.
Au. Now I'm ready, at your Service. I'll do it as well as I can after my Manner. That they have given a Boy's Face to Bacchus, has this Mystery in it; that Wine being drank, takes away Cares and Vexations from our Minds, and adds a Sort of a Chearfulness to them. And for this Reason, it adds a Sort of Youthfulness even to old Men, in that it makes them more chearful, and of a better Complexion. The same thing Horace in many Places, and particularly testifies in these Verses:
Ad mare cum veni, generosum et lene requiro,
Quod curas abigat, quod cum spe divite manet.
In venas, animumque meum, quod verba ministret.
Quod me Lucanoe juvenem commendet amicæ.
For that they have assign'd the Poets to this Deity, I believe by it they design'd to intimate this, that Wine both stirs up Wit and administers Eloquence; which two Things are very fit for Poets. Whence it comes to pass, that your Water Drinkers make poor Verses. For Bacchus is of a fiery Constitution naturally, but he is made more temperate, being united with the Nymphs. Have you been answer'd to your Satisfaction?
Ch. I never heard any Thing more to the Purpose from a Poet. You deserve to drink out of a Cup set with Jewels. Boy, take away this Dish, and set on another.
Au. You have got a very clownish Boy.
Ch. He is the unluckiest Knave in the World.
Au. Why don't you teach him better Manners?
Ch. He is too old to learn. It is a hard matter to mend the Manners of an old Sinner. An old Dog won't be easily brought to wear the Collar. He's well enough for me. Like Master like Man.
* * * * *
If I knew what you lik'd, I would help you.
Au. I would cut you a Slice, if I knew what would please you. I would help you, if I knew your Palate. I would help you, if I knew what you lik'd best. If I knew the Disposition of your Palate, I would be your Carver. Indeed my Palate is like my Judgment.
Ch. You have a very nice Palate. No Body has a nicer Palate than you have. I don't think you come behind him of whose exquisite Skill the Satyrist says,
Ostrea callebat primo deprendere morsu, Et semel aspecti dicebat littus echini.
Au. And you, my Christian, that I may return the Compliment, seem to have been Scholar to Epicurus, or brought up in the Catian School. For what's more delicate or nice than your Palate?
Ch. If I understood Oratory so well as I do Cookery, I'd challenge Cicero himself.
Au. Indeed if I must be without one, I had rather want Oratory than Cookery.
Ch. I am entirely of your Mind, you judge gravely, wisely, and truly. For what is the Prattle of Orators good for, but to tickle idle Ears with a vain Pleasure? But Cookery feeds and repairs the Palate, the Belly, and the whole Man, let him be as big as he will. Cicero says, Concedat laurea lingæ; but both of them must give place to Cookery. I never very well liked those Stoicks, who referring all things to their (I can't tell what) honestum, thought we ought to have no regard to our Persons and our Palates. Aristippus was wiser than Diogenes beyond Expression in my Opinion.
Au. I despise the Stoicks with all their Fasts. But I praise and approve Epicurus more than that Cynic Diogenes, who lived upon raw Herbs and Water; and therefore I don't wonder that Alexander, that fortunate King, had rather be Alexander than Diogenes.
Ch. Nor indeed would I myself, who am but an ordinary Man, change my Philosophy for Diogenes's; and I believe your Catius would refuse to do it too. The Philosophers of our Time are wiser, who are content to dispute like Stoicks, but in living out-do even Epicurus himself. And yet for all that, I look upon Philosophy to be one of the most excellent Things in Nature, if used moderately. I don't approve of philosophising too much, for it is a very jejune, barren, and melancholy Thing. When I fall into any Calamity or Sickness, then I betake myself to Philosophy, as to a Physician; but when I am well again, I bid it farewell.
Au. I like your Method. You do philosophize very well. Your humble Servant, Mr. Philosopher; not of the Stoick School, but the Kitchen.
Ch. What is the Matter with you, Erasmus, that you are so melancholy? What makes you look so frowningly? What makes you so silent? Are you angry with me because I have entertained you with such a slender Supper?
Er. Nay, I am angry with you that you have put your self to so much Charge upon my Account. Austin laid a strict Charge upon you that you would provide nothing extraordinary upon his Account. I believe you have a Mind we should never come to see you again; for they give such a Supper as this that intended to make but one. What sort of Guests did you expect? You seem to have provided not for Friends, but for Princes. Do you think we are Gluttons? This is not to entertain one with a Supper, but victualling one for three Days together.
Ch. You will be ill-humour'd. Dispute about that Matter to-Morrow; pray be good humour'd to-Day. We'll talk about the Charge to-Morrow; I have no Mind to hear any Thing but what is merry at this time.
Au. Christian, whether had you rather have, Beef or Mutton?
Ch. I like Beef best, but I think Mutton is the most wholsome. It is the Disposition of Mankind to be most desirous of those Things that are the most hurtful.
Au. The French are wonderful Admirers of Pork.
Ch. The French love that most that costs least.
Au. I am a Jew in this one Thing, there is nothing I hate so much as Swine's Flesh.
Ch. Nor without Reason, for what is more unwholsome? In this I am not of the French Man's but of the Jew's Mind.
Er. But I love both Mutton and Pork, but for a different Reason; for I eat freely of Mutton, because I love it; but Hogs Flesh I don't touch, by Reason of Love, that I may not give Offence.
Ch. You are a clever Man, Erasmus, and a very merry one too. Indeed I am apt to admire from whence it comes to pass that there is such a great Diversity in Mens Palates, for if I may make use of this Verse of Horace,
Tres mihi convivæ propè dissentire videntur,
Poscentes vario multùm diversa palato.
Er. Although as the Comedian says, So many Men, so many Minds, and every Man has his own Way; yet no Body can make me believe, there is more Variety in Mens Dispositions, than there is in their Palates: So that you can scarce find two that love the same Things. I have seen a great many, that can't bear so much as the Smell of Butter and Cheese: Some loath Flesh; one will not eat roast Meat, and another won't eat boil'd. There are many that prefer Water before Wine. And more than this, which you'll hardly believe; I have seen a Man who would neither eat Bread, nor drink Wine.
Ch. What did that poor Man live on?
Er. There was nothing else but what he could eat; Meat, Fish, Herbs and Fruit.
Ch. Would you have me believe you?
Er. Yes, if you will.
Ch. I will believe you; but upon this Condition, that you shall believe me when I tell a Lye.
Er. Well, I will do it, so that you lye modestly.
Ch. As if any Thing could be more impudent than your Lye.
Er. What would your Confidence say, if I should shew you the Man?
Ch. He must needs be a starveling Fellow, a meer Shadow.
Er. You'd say he was a Champion.
Ch. Nay, rather a Polyphemus.
Er. I wonder this should seem so strange to you, when there are a great many that eat dry'd Fish instead of Bread: And some that the Roots of Herbs serve for the same Use that Bread does us.
Ch. I believe you; lye on.
Er. I remember, I saw a Man when I was in Italy, that grew fat with Sleep, without the Assistance either of Meat or Drink.
Ch. Fie for Shame; I can't forbear making Use of that Expression of the Satyrist, Tunc immensa cavi spirant mendacia folles.
Thou poeticisest. You play the Part of a Poet. I am loath to give you the Lye.
Er. I am the greatest Lyar in the World, if Pliny, an Author of undoubted Credit, has not written, that a Bear in fourteen Days Time will grow wonderfully fat with nothing but Sleep: And that he will sleep so sound, that you can scarce wake him, by wounding him: Nay, to make you admire the more, I will add what Theophrastus writes, that during that Time, if the Flesh of the Bear be boil'd, and kept some Time, it will come to Life again.
Ch. I am afraid that Parmeno in Terence will hardly be able to comprehend these Things. I believe it readily. I would help you to some Venison, if I were well enough accomplished.
Er. Where have you any Hunting now? How came you by Venison?
Ch. Midas, the most generous spirited Man living, and a very good Friend of mine, sent it me for a Present; but so, that I oftentimes buy it for less.
Er. How so?
Ch. Because I am obliged to give more to his Servants, than I could buy it for in the Market.
Er. Who obliges you to that?
Ch. The most violent Tyrant in the World.
Er. Who is he?
Ch. Custom.
Er. Indeed, that Tyrant does frequently impose the most unjust Laws upon Mankind.
Ch. The same Tyrant hunted this Stag, but the Day before Yesterday. What did you do, who used to be a very great Lover of that Sport?
Au. Indeed I have left off that Sport, and now I hunt after nothing but Learning.
Ch. In my Opinion, Learning is fleeter than any Stag.
Au. But I hunt chiefly with two Dogs, that is to say, with Love and Industry: For Love affords a great Deal of Eagerness to learn, and as the most elegant Poet says,
——Labor improbus omnia vincit.
Ch. Austin, you admonish after a friendly Manner, as you use to do; and therefore, I won't give over, nor rest, nor tire, till I attain.
Au. Venison is now in the Prime. Pliny tells us a very admirable Story concerning this Animal.
Ch. What is it, I pray you?
Au. That as often as they prick up their Ears, they are very quick of Hearing; but on the contrary, when they let them down, they are deaf.
Ch. That very often happens to myself; for if I happen to hear a Word spoken of receiving Guineas, there is no Body quicker of Hearing than I; for then with Pamphilus in Terence, I prick up my Ears; but when there is any Mention made of paying them away, I let them down, and am presently hard of Hearing.
Au. Well, I commend you; you do as you should do.
Ch. Would you have some of the Leg of this Hare?
Au. Take it yourself.
Ch. Or had you rather have some of the Back?
Au. This Creature has nothing good but its Flank and hind Legs.
Ch. Did you ever see a white Hare?
Au. Oftentimes. Pliny writes, that on the Alps there are white Hares; and that it is believed in the Winter Time they feed upon Snow:
Whether it be true or no, let Pliny see to that: For if Snow makes a Hare's Skin white, it must make his Stomach white too.
Ch. I don't know but it may be true.
Au. I have something for you that is stranger than that; but it may be you have heard of it. The same Man testifies that there is the same Nature in all of them; that is, of Males and Females, and that the Females do as commonly breed without the Use of the Male, as with it. And many Persons assert the same, and especially your skilful Hunters.
Ch. You say right; but if you please, let us try these Rabbets, for they are fat and tender. I would help that pretty Lady if I sat nigher to her. Austin, pray take Care of that Lady that sits by you, for you know how to please the fair Sex.
Au. I know what you mean, you Joker.
Ch. Do you love Goose?
Au. Ay, I love 'em mightily, and I an't very nice. I don't know what's the Matter, but this Goose don't please me; I never saw any Thing dryer in all my Life; it is dryer than a Pumice-Stone, or Furius's Mother in Law, upon whom Catullus breaks so many Jests. I believe it is made of Wood; And in Troth I believe 'tis an old Soldier, that has worn itself out with being upon the Guard. They say a Goose is the most wakeful Creature living. In Truth, if I am not out in my Guess, this Goose was one of them, who when the Watch and their Dogs were fast asleep, in old Time defended the Roman Capitol.
Ch. As I hope to live I believe it was, for I believe it liv'd in that Age.
Au. And this Hen was either half starv'd, or else was in love, or was jealous; for this Sort of Creatures are much troubled with that Distemper. This Capon fatten'd much better; see what Cares will do. If we were to geld our Theodoricus, he would grow fat much the sooner.
Th. I an't a Cock.
Au. I confess you are not Gallus Cybeles, nor a Dunghil-Cock; but it may be you are Gallus Gallaceus.
Ch. What Word is that?
Au. I leave that Word to be unriddled by you: I am Sphinx, and you shall be Oedipus.
Ch. Austin, tell me truly, have you had no Conversation with French Men, have you had no Affinity with them? Had you nothing to do with them?
Au. None at all, indeed.
Ch. Then you are so much the worse.
Au. But perhaps I have had to do with French Women.
Ch. Will you have any of this Goose's Liver? This was look'd upon as a great Delicacy by the Ancients.
Au. I will refuse nothing that comes from your Hand.
Ch. You must not expect Roman Dainties.
Au. What are they?
Ch. Thistles, Cockles, Tortoises, Conger-Eels, Mushrooms, Truffles, etc.
Au. I had rather have a Turnip than any of them. You are liberal and bountiful, Christian.
Ch. No Body touches these Partridges nor the Pigeons, to-Morrow is a Fast-Day appointed by the Church; prepare against that Hunger; Ballast your Ship against the impending Storm. War is a coming, furnish your Belly with Provision.
Au. I wish you had kept that Word in, we should have risen from Supper more merrily. You torment us before the Time.
Ch. Why so?
Au. Because I hate Fish worse than I do a Snake.
Ch. You are not alone.
Au. Who brought in this troublesome Custom?
Ch. Who order'd you to take Aloes, Wormwood and Scammony in Physick?
Au. But these Things are given to Folks that are sick.
Ch. So these Things are given to them that are too well. It is better sometimes to be sick, than to be too well.
Au. In my Opinion the Jews themselves did not labour under such a Burden. Indeed I could easily refrain from Eels and Swines Flesh, if I might fill my Belly with Capons and Partridges.
Ch. In a great many Circumstances it is not the Thing, but the Mind that distinguishes us from Jews; they held their Hands from certain Meats, as from unclean Things, that would pollute the Mind; but we, understanding that to the Pure, all Things are pure, yet take away Food from the wanton Flesh, as we do Hay from a pamper'd Horse, that it may be more ready to hearken to the Spirit. We sometimes chastise the immoderate Use of pleasant Things, by the Pain of Abstinence.
Au. I hear you; but by the same Argument, Circumcision of the Flesh may be defended; for that moderates the Itch of Coition, and brings Pain. If all hated Fish as bad as I do, I would scarce put a Parricide to so much Torture.
Ch. Some Palates are better pleas'd with Fish than Flesh.
Au. Then they like those Things that please their Gluttony, but don't make for their Health.
Ch. I have heard of some of the Æsops and Apitius's, that have look'd upon Fish as the greatest Delicacy.
Au. How then do Dainties agree with Punishment?
Ch. Every Body han't Lampreys, Scares, and Sturgeons.
Au. Then it is only the poor Folks that are tormented, with whom it is bad enough, if they were permitted to eat Flesh; and it often happens, that when they may eat Flesh for the Church, they can't for their Purse.
Ch. Indeed, a very hard Injunction!
Au. And if the Prohibition of Flesh be turned to delicious Living to the Rich; and if the Poor can't eat Flesh many Times, when otherwise they might, nor can't eat Fish, because they are commonly the dearer; to whom does the Injunction do good?
Ch. To all; for poor Folks may eat Cockles or Frogs, or may gnaw upon Onions or Leeks. The middle Sort of People will make some Abatement in their usual Provision; and though the Rich do make it an Occasion of living deliciously, they ought to impute that to their Gluttony, and not blame the Constitution of the Church.
Au. You have said very well; but for all that, to require Abstinence from Flesh of poor Folks, who feed their Families by the Sweat of their Brows, and live a great Way from Rivers and Lakes, is the same Thing as to command a Famine, or rather a Bulimia. And if we believe Homer, it is the miserablest Death in the World to be starv'd to Death.
Ch. So it seem'd to blind Homer; but with Christians, he is not miserable that dies well.
Au. Let that be so; yet it is a very hard Thing to require any Body to die.
Ch. The Popes don't prohibit the eating of Flesh with that Design, to kill Men, but that they may be moderately afflicted if they have transgress'd; or that taking away their pleasant Food, their Bodies may be less fierce against the Spirit.
Au. The moderate Use of Flesh would effect that.
Ch. But in so great a Variety of Bodies certain Bounds of Flesh can't be prescrib'd, a Kind of Food may.
Au. There are Fishes that yield much Aliment, and there are Sorts of Flesh that yield but little.
Ch. But in general Flesh is most nourishing.
Au. Pray tell me, if you were to go a Journey any whither, would you chuse a lively Horse that was a little wanton, or a diseased Horse, who would often stumble and throw his Rider?
Ch. What do you mean by that?
Au. Because Fish-eating, by its corrupt Humours, renders the Body liable to a great many Diseases, that it can't subserve the Spirit as it should do.
Ch. To what Diseases?
Au. Gouts, Fevers, Leprosies, the King's-Evil.
Ch. How do you know?
Au. I believe Physicians. I had rather do so than try the Experiment.
Ch. Perhaps that happens to a few.
Au. Indeed I believe to a great many; besides, in as much as the Mind acts by the material Organs of the Body, which are affected with good or bad Humours, the Instruments being vitiated, it can't exert its Power as it would.
Ch. I know Doctors do very much find Fault with the eating of Fish; but our Ancestors thought otherwise, and it is our Duty to obey them.
Au. It was a Piece of Religion formerly not to break the Sabbath; but for all that, it was more eligible to save a Man on the Sabbath-Day.
Ch. Every one consults his own Health.
Au. If we will obey St. Paul, Let no Body mind his own Things, but every one the Things of another.
Ch. How come we by this new Divine at our Table? Whence comes this new upstart Master of ours?
Au. Because I don't like Fishes.
Ch. What, then won't you abstain from Flesh?
Au. I do abstain, but grumblingly, and to my great Detriment too.
Ch. Charity suffers all Things.
Au. It is true; but then the same requires but little. If it suffers all Things, why won't it suffer us to eat those Meats the Gospel has given us a Liberty to eat? Why do those Persons, from whom Christ has so often required the Love of himself, suffer so many Bodies of Men to be endanger'd by capital Diseases, and their Souls to be in Danger of eternal Damnation, because of a Thing neither forbidden by Christ, nor necessary in itself?
Ch. When Necessity requires it, the Force of a human Constitution ceases, and the Will of the Lawgiver ceases.
Au. But the Offence of the Weak does not cease. The Scruple of a tender Conscience does not cease. And lastly, it is uncertain with what Limits that Necessity shall be bounded; shall it be when the Fish-eater shall be a giving up the Ghost? It is too late to give Flesh to a Man when he is dying; or shall it be when his Body becomes all feverish? The Choice of Meats is not of so much Consequence.
Ch. What would you have prescrib'd then?
Au. I can tell well enough, if I might be allow'd to be a Dictator in Ecclesiastical Affairs.
Ch. What do you mean by that?
Au. If I were Pope I would exhort all Persons to a perpetual Sobriety of Life, but especially before an holy-Day; and moreover, I would give every one leave to eat what he would, for the Health of his Body, so he did it moderately, and with Thanksgiving; and I would endeavour that what was abated of these Observations should be made up in the Study of true Piety.
Ch. That in my Opinion is of so great Weight, that we ought to make you Pope.
Au. For all your laughing, this Neck could bear a triple Crown.
