Kitabı oku: «The Complete Works of Josh Billings», sayfa 10
THE FLY
The fly iz not only a domestik, but a friendly insek, without branes, but happily without guile.
They make their appearance amung mankind, a good deal az the wind duz, “whare it listeth.”
How they are exactly born, i haven’t been able yet tew investigate, but they are so universal at times, that i hav thought, they didn’t wait tew be born, but took the fust good chance that was offered, and cum just az they am.
They are sed tew be male and femail, but i dont think they konsider the marriage tie binding, for they look so mutch alike, that it would be a grate waste ov time, finding out wich waz who, and this would lead tew never ending fites, wich iz the rhubarb ov domestik life.
They make their annual visit about the first ov May, but don’t git tew buzzing good till the center ov August.
They stay with uz untill kold weather puts in an appearance, and then leave, a good deal az they cum, jist az they am.
Menny ov them are kut oph in the flower ov their yuth, and usefullness, but this don’t interfere with their census, for their iz another steps right into their place, and heirs their property.
Sum looze their lives bi lighting too near the rim ov a toad’s noze, and fall in, when the tud gaps, and others git badly stuck bi phooling with mollassis.
Sum visit the spiders, and are induced tew remain, and thousands find a watery grave, bi gitting drowned in milk cans.
The fly iz no respekter ov pussuns, he lights onto the pouting lips ov a sleeping darkey, jist az eazy az he duz onto the buzzum ov the queen ov buty, and will buzz an Alderman, or a hod-carrier, if they git in his way.
Flys, moraly konsidered, are like a large share ov the rest ov human folks, they wont settle on a good healthy spot in a man, not if they kan find a spot that iz a leetle raw.
Their principal food iz every thing, they will pitch into a ded snaik, or a quarter ov beef, with the same anxiety, and will eat from sun rise, till seven o’clock in the evening, without getting more than haff phull.
They will eat more, and hold less, than enny bug we kno ov.
The fly haz a remarkable impoverished memory, yu may drive him out ov yure ear; and he will land on yure forhed, hit him aginly, and he enters yure noze, the oftner yu git rid ov him in one spot, the more he gets onto another; the only way tew inculcate him with yure meaning, iz tew smash him up fine.
Naturalists dont tell us all about the soshull habits ov the fly, but i beleave they hav temprate habits, and altho they hang around grocerys a good deal, I never saw a fly the wuss for liquor, but i hav often seen liquor the wuss for flies.
They hav a big appetight for gitting into things, they are the fust at the dinner table, and alwus take soup, and dont leave untill the cloth iz removed.
Flys see a grate deal ov good sosiety, they are admitted into all circles, and if they remember one haff that they see and hear, what a world ov phunny sekrets they could unfold; but flys are perfekly honarable, and never betray a konfidence.
What would sum lovers giv, if they could only git a fly tew blab, but a fly iz a perfek gentleman, he eats oph from your plate, enjoys yure conversashun, sees sights, and haz more phun, and privilege, than a prime minister, or a dressing maid, but when yu cum tew pump him, he iz az dry in the mouth, az a salt codfish.
Thare iz sumthing a fly will blow, but he wont blow a sekret.
Flys i think, must be born whole, for i never saw a haff born fly, they are all ov a size when yu fust see them, like a paper ov pins, and never git enny smaller.
I dont kno ov a more happy, whole souled, honest critter, among the bug dispensation, than a hansum, square bilt fly, taking a free ride in central park, with the Mayor and hiz wife, or a free lunch at Delmonico’s, with the minister from England, and then finishing up the bizzness ov the day, by sleeping upside down, on the ceiling ov my ladys bed chamber.
But thare iz plenty ov pholks who kant see enny phun, or religion in a fly, whoze whole aim iz tew set molasses traps for them, tew chase them out ov the house with a sled stake, and then clear across a ploughed lot onto the next farm, tew git up nights in their stocking feet, tew worry them, with the tongs, tew drive them tew the brink ov despair, and finally ruin them, with deth.
I thank the Lord i ain’t one ov thoze, i don’t luv a fly enuff, tew leave mi vittles, and fall down flatt on mi stummuk, and worship them, but a fly may cum and sit on mi noze, all day, and chaw hiz cud in silence, if he will only sit still.
Flys tickle me, but they don’t make me sware, it takes a bedd bug, at the hollow ov night, a mean, loafing bed bugg, who steals out ov a krack in the wall, az silently az the swet on a dog’s noze, and then creeps az soft az a shadder, on tew mi tenderest spot, and begins tew bore for my ile, it takes one ov theze foul fiends ov blood, and midnite, tew make me sware, a word ov two sillables.
A fly, the dear, little, social innocent, kant make me sware, not even an abreviated dam.
I dispize enny men who sware, it iz not only wicked, but always smells ov whiskey.
This essa, on the little fly, who visit us, in the spring ov the year, just az they am, will not interest the exceeding literary, or thoze who think they hav discovered poetry in their sile, it takes the essa on the life, and deth, ov an orphan rosebud, or the golden sheen ov a sassy moonbeam, dancing in a budoir tew the dreams ov a restive beauty, it takes sumthing ov this breed, tew fetch them.
THE CROW
Next to the monkey, the crow haz the most deviltry to spare. They are born verry wild, but kan be tamed az eazy az the goat kan, but a tame crow iz aktually wuss than a sore thumb.
If thare iz enny thing about the house that they kant git into, it iz bekause the thing ain’t big enuff. I had rather watch a distrikt skool than one tame crow. Crows live on what they kan steal, and they will steal enny thing that aint tied down.
They are fond ov meat vittles, and are the first tew hold an inquest over a departed horse, or a still sheep. They are a fine bird tew hunt, but a hard one tew kill; they kan see you 2 miles first, and will smell a gun right through the side ov a mountain.
They are not songstirs, altho they hav a good voice to cultivate, but what they do sing, they seem to understand thoroughly; long praktiss has made them perfekt.
The crow iz a tuff bird, and kan stand the heat like a blacksmith, and the cold like a stun wall.
They bild their nest among a tree, and lay twice, and both eggs would hatch out if they was laid in a snow bank, – thare aint no such thing as stopping a young crow.
Crows are very lengthy; i beleave they live always i never knu one to die a natral deth, and don’t believe they kno how.
They are alwus thin in flesh, and are like an injun rubber shew, poor inside and out.
They are not considered fine eating, altho i hav read sumwhare ov biled crow, but still i never heard ov the same man hankering for sum biled crow 2 times.
This essa on the crow is copied from natur, and if it is true i aint tew blame for it; natur made the crow, i didn’t; if i had i would hav made her more honest and not quite so tuff.
THE BUMBLE BEE
The Bumble Bee is one ov natur’s sekrets.
They probably hav a destiny to fill, and are probably necessary, if a fellow only knew how.
They liv apart from the rest ov mankind, in little circles numbering about 75 or 80 souls.
They are born about haying time, and are different from enny bug i know ov; they are the biggest when they are fust born. They resemble sum men in this respekt.
Their principle bizziness iz making poor honey, but they don’t make enny to sell.
Boys sumtimes rob them out ov a whole summer’s work; but thare is one thing about a bumble bee that boys alwus watch dreadful cluss, and that iz their helm.
I had rather not hav awl the bumble bee honey that is between here and the city ov Jerusalem, than tew hav a bumble bee hit me with his helm when he cums round suddin.
THE ROBBING
The robin haz a red brest.
They hav a plaintiff song, and sing az tho they waz sorry for sum thing.
They are natiffs ov the northern states, but go south to winter.
They git their name from their grate ability for robbing a cherry tree.
They kan also robin a currant bush fust rate, and are smart on a goose berry.
If a robin kant find enny thing else tew eat, they aint tew fastidious tew eat a ripe strawberry.
They build their nest out ov mud, and straw, and lay 4 eggs, that are speckled.
Four yung robbings, in a nest, that are just hatched out, and still on the half-shell, are alwus az reddy for dinner, az a nuzeboy iz.
If enny boddy goes near their nest, their mouths all fly open at once, so that yu kan see clear down tew their palates.
If it want for the birds, I suppose, ov course, we should all be et up by the catterpillars, and snakes, but i hav thought, it wouldn’t be enny thing more than common politeness, for the robbings, tew let us hav, now, and then, just one ov our own cherriz, tew see how they did taste.
THE SWALLO
The swallo iz a lively bird.
Swallows make their appearance late in the spring, and alwus in a twitter about sumthing.
They hav az mutch twitter, as a boarding skool miss.
They kan fli az swift az an arrow, and a great deal crookider.
I have seen them skim a mill pond, cluss enuff tew take the cream off from it, and even make the frogs dodge, and not touch the water.
When the swallo cums, spring haz cum sure, but thare iz an old proverb, (one ov Solomans, i presume,) which sez, “one swallo dont make a spring.”
This may be so, but i have seen a spring (ov water), that would make a grate menny swallows.
Swallows never hav the dispepshy, they liv upon nothing, and take a grate deal ov exercise in the open air.
They dont set up nites busting, and never cheat a taylor out ov hiz bill.
They dont waste enny time in the morning making their toilett, but like the flowers, shake oph the dew from their heds, and are reddy for bizzness.
I kant think ov enny thing God has made, more harmless than a swallo, they are as innosent az a daizy, and az pure as the air they swim in, they wont live, shut up in a cage, mutch longer, than a trout will.
THE BAT
The bat is a winged mouse.
They live very retired during the day, but at nite cum out for a frolik.
They fli very mutch unsartin, and ackt az tho they had taken a little too mutch gin.
They look out ov their face like a young owl, and will bite like a snappin turkle.
What they are good for i kant tell, and dont believe they kan tell neither.
They dont seem tew be bird, beast, nor insek, but a kind of live hash, made out ov all three.
If thare want enny bats in this world, i dont suppose the earth would refuse tew revolve on its axis, once in a while, just for fun.
But when we cum to think, that thare aint on the face ov the earth, even one bat too mutch, and that thare haint been, sintz the daze ov adam, a single surpluss muskeeters egg, laid by acksident, we kan form sum kind ov an idea, how little we know, and what a poor job we should make ov it, running the machinery of kreashun.
Man iz a phool enny how, and the best ov the joke iz, he don’t seem tew kno it.
Bats hav a destiny tew fill, and i will bet 4 dollars, they fill it better than we do ours.
Bats liv on flies, and hawks liv on bats, but who livs on the hawks, i kant tell.
Biled hawk may be good, i never herd enny boddy say it wasn’t, but i dont hope i shall ever be called upon tew decide it.
Tew save life, i would eat biled hawk, but if it tastes az i think it duz, i wouldn’t ask for a seckond plate ov it.
THE HAWK
The hawk iz a karniverous foul, and a chickiniverous one too, every good chance he kan git.
I hav seen them shut up their wings, and drop doun out ov the skey, like a destroying angel, and pick up a yung goslin in each hand, and sore aloft agin pretty quick.
They bild their nests out ov the reach ov civilizashun, so that no mishionary kan git to them, unless he kan klimb well.
Powder and double B shot, iz the only thing that will civilize a hawk clear through, so that he will stay so, and it takes a big charge ov this too.
I have fired a double-barrelled gun into them, loaded with fine shot, and it had the same exilirating effekt on them, that 4 quarts ov oats would hav, on an old hoss, it made them more lively for a fu minnits.
I hav seen ded hawks, but i never shed enny tears over them.
I dont surpose that even hen hawks are made in vain, but i hav wondered, if just enuff ov them, tew preserve an assortment, wouldn’t answer.
THE MEDDO MOLE
The meddo mole iz either a small rat, or a big mouse, i dont kno which.
They hav some soft, silken fur, and dig in the ground for a living.
They kan bore a hole in the ground fazter than a 2 inch augur kan, and kan travel klear akrost a 10 aker lot, in one night, and never cum once tew the surface.
They dont have enny eyes, but see with their ears, and kan see more without seeing anything, than enny rat in amerika.
How a meddo mole kan see with their ears iz one ov naturs misterys, and natur luvs misterys, it iz the misterys ov natur that makes mankind respektful.
If natur showed all the kards she held in her hand most enny boddy would think they could beat her.
But natur makes us guess at about one-half we know, and then laffs at us, in her sleeve, bekauze we dont git it right.
I dont kno whether meddo moles are an accredited artikle ov diet or not, i never hav seen their names registered on enny bill of fare, in our grate hotels spelt in english, but thare iz so mutch meat fixings with french, and dutch names on the bills, that they may be thar.
I dont kno how meddo moles are spelt in dutch.
A meddo mole mite eat fust rate in dutch, and be kussid common vittles in english.
THE POSSUM
The possum iz a fello ov the Southern and Western States. He owns a sharp noze, a keen eye, a lean head, a phat boddy, and a poor tail.
He enjoys roots, chickens, grass, eggs, green korn, and little mice, and eats what he steals, and steals what he eats.
Hiz boddy is kivvered with a hairy kind ov phur, ov a dirty white complexion; hiz feet and fingers resemble the rackoon, hiz ears are a trifle smaller than the mules, and hiz tail iz az round az an eel, and az free from capilliaryness as the snaiks stummuk.
The possum’s tail bothers me. I hav looked at it bi the hour; i hav studdyed it, and tried tew parse it; i hav figgered on it az cluss az i would a proposishun in Euklid; i hav hung over it az fondly az a kemist; i hav fretted and wondered, hav got mad, wept and swore, and kant tell to this day whi a possum should hav a hairless caudel.
If some philosophik mind, out ov a present job, will explain this tale to me, and sho me the mercy ov it, i will explain to him, free from cost, the pucker ov the persimmon, or the vital importance thare iz in being bolegged, two misterys which are only known to the Billings family.
The possum iz a lonesum and joyless vagabond, living just near enuff to the smoke ov a chimbly tew pick up a transient goslin or a ten dollar bill, or ennything else that aint stuck fast.
Thare iz only one man in this visionary world who seems tew hav an affinity, ov a moral natur, for the possum, and that iz a darkey. They are the nigger’s poultry and roast lamb.
The possum, in poor condishun, is az phull ov phatt as a tallo kandle in the month ov august, but having et possum miself, and biled awl from necessity, i am full ov the opinyun that between the two mi choice would be never agin to take either.
Possums alwus hav twins when they hav ennything, and sumtimes an extra one, and they suckle their yung on an entire different principal from the goose.
Their skins are a subject of traffick, and are worth in market from nine to ten cents a piece, provided the tail is amputated. A possum’s tail iz not only worthless, but iz a damage to any enterprizing man.
Theze skins are colored and made into mink muffs, and sold for twenty-five dollars a head, tew thoze whoze early edukashun has bin neglekted.
Thare iz only one thing about a possum’s skin different from a hoss hide, they don’t shed their hair, evry hair is drove in and clinched on tuther side.
Possum’s hav butiful white natral teeth, and their mouth iz az full ov them az a kow hide boot iz ov shu pegs.
But say what yu will about theze comick geniuses ov natur, they hav got two things that they own and no other animul, feathered, or hairy, possesses them so mutch.
I mean tuffness and cunning.
If a possum thinks he kant reach hiz hole, in the hollo ov the tree, tew eskape a wandering dog or a stray nigger, he lays himself down level on the opposite side ov hiz belly, and dies az ded az a two dollar watch.
The dog will smell ov hiz corpse and pass on, the nigger will rool him over, pheal ov hiz phatt, and konkluding that “dis possum hab been eating pizen;” take him by the tail and send him buzzing into a brush heep.
Many a possum haz saved hiz life, and hiz phatt, bi thus loozeing it.
I hav often killed them with a klub, sufficiently dead enuff tew bury, and hiding behind a tree, fur a fu minnitts, hav seen them born agin, and sneak oph into the underbrush.
If thare iz enny boddy who don’t beleave this i don’t care, i only write what i know, and don’t hold miself liable for other folks’ ignorance.
Possum grease and hoe kake, in equal parts, will phatt a nigger in 60 days, and make hiz face glisten like a piece ov pattent leather.
If the possum only had hare on the tail i could account for him fully, but this lack ov the hirsute attachment bothers me.
I think now i would giv ten dollars tew be made well on this subjeckt.
Altho the possum dies hard, he lives eazy, and i might az well own it, forever, for i have spent a great quantity ov mi life surrounded by possums and other historick vermin, and never heard only ov acksident death in the possum family.
The muskrat and the possum hav similar tales, but the muskrat steers himself with hiz while bathing, but the possum never bathes in ennything but chicken blood.
The studdy ov natur iz a good risk to take, and will make sum men az phull ov knowledge az an unabridged Webster’s spellin book, while thare iz others that natur nor ennyboddy else haint bin able tew edukate yet.
THE CURSID MUSKETO
Dear – : – Yure letter kame safe unto hand last nite bi mail, and i hurry tew repli.
The best musketers now in market are raised near Bergen point, in the dominion ov Nu Jersey.
They gro thare verry spontaneous, and the market for them iz verry unstiddy – the grate supply injures the demand.
Two hundred and fifty to the square inch iz konsidered a paying krop, altho they often beat that.
They don’t require enny nussing, and the poorer the land the bigger the yield.
If it want for musketers i dont kno what sum people would do thare tew git a living, for thare iz a grate deal ov kultivated land thare that wont raize ennything else at a proffit.
The musketer iz a short lived bug, but don’t waste enny time; they are alwuss az reddy for bizzness az pepper sass iz, and kan bight 10 minnitts after they are born just az fluently az ever.
Thare iz people in this world so kontrary at heart, and so ignorant, that they wont see enny wisdum in having musketers around; i alwus pitty sutch pholks – their edukashun haz been sorely neglekted and aint level.
Wisdum iz like duks eggs – if yu git them, yu hav got tew sarch for them – thare aint no duks in theze benighted days that will cum and la eggs in yure hand – not a duk, Mr. – , not a duk.
The musketo is a soshul insex; they liv verry thick amungst each other, and luv the sosiety ov man also, but don’t kontrakt enny ov hiz vices.
Yu never see a musketer that was a defaulter; they never fail to cum to time, altho thousands looze their lives in the effort.
The philosophers tell us that the muskeeters who can’t sing won’t bight; this information may be ov grate use to science, but aint worth mutch to a phellow in a hot nite whare muskeeters are plenty.
If thare ain’t but one musketer out ov ten that kan bight good, that iz enuff to sustain their reputashun.
The philosophers are alwus a telling us sumthing that iz right smart, but the only plan they kan offer us tew get rid ov our sorrows iz to grin and bear them.
They kant rob one single musketer ov hiz stingger by argument. I say bully for the muskeeter!
The muskeeter iz the child ov circumstansis in one respekt – he can be born, or not, and liv, and die a square deth in a lonesum marsh, 1600 miles from the nearest nabor, without ever tasting blood, and be happy all the time; or he kan git into sumboddy’s bed-room thru the key-hole, and take hiz rashuns reglar, and sing sams ov praze and glorificashun.
It don’t kost a muskeeter mutch for hiz board in this world; if he kant find enny boddy to eat he kan set on a blade ov swamp meadow gras and liv himself to deth on the damp fog.
The musketo is a gray bug and haz 6 leggs, a bright eye, a fine busst, a sharp tooth and and a reddy wit.
He dont waste enny time hunting up hiz customers, and alwus lights onto a baby fust if thare iz one on the premises.
I positively fear a musketo.
In the dark, still nite, when every thing iz az noizeless az a pair ov empty slippers, to hear one at the further end ov the room slowly but surely working hiz way up to yu, singing that same hot old sissing tune ov theirs, and harking to feel the exackt spot on yure face whare they intend tew lokate, iz simply premeditated sorrow tew me; i had rather look forward to the time when an elephant waz going tew step onto me.
The musketo haz no friends, and but phew associates; even a mule dispizes them.
But i hav seen human beings who want aktually afraid ov them; i hav seen pholks who had rather hav a muskeeter lite onto them than to have a trakt peddler lite onto them; i hav seen pholks who were so tuff aginst anguish that a muskeeter mite lite onto them enny whare and plunge their dagger in up tew the hilt in vain.
I envy these people their moral stamina, for next tew being virtewous i would like tew be tuff.
This life iz phull ov pesky muskeetos, who are alwus a looking for a job, alwus reddy tew stik a thissell into yu sum whare, and sing while they are doing it.
Dear Mr. – , pardon me for saying so mutch about the cursid muskeeto, but ov all things on this arth that travel, or set still, for deviltry, thare aint enny bug, enny beast, or enny beastess, that i dred more, and luv less, than i do this same little gray wretch, called cursid muskeeter.
