Kitabı oku: «The Complete Works of Josh Billings», sayfa 9
GOOSE TALK
The goose is a grass-animal but don’t chaw her cud.
They are good livers; about one aker to a goose iz enuff, altho there iz sum folks who thinks one goose tew 175 akers, iz nearer right.
These two calculations are so fur apart, it iz difficult tew tell now, which will finally win.
But i don’t think, if i had a farm ov 175 akers, awl paid for, that i would sell it for half what it was worth, just bekauze it didn’t hav but one goose on it. Geese stay well; sum ov our best biographers say, 70 years, and grow tuff tew the last.
They lay one egg at once, about the size of a goose egg in which the gosling lies hidd.
The gosling iz the goose’s babe.
The goose don’t suckle hiz young, but turns him out tew pasture on sumboddy’s vacant lot.
They seem tew lack wisdum, but are considered generally sound on the goose.
They are good eating, but not good chawing; the reason ov this remains a profound sekret to this day.
When the femail goose iz at work hatching, she iz a hard bird tew please; she riles clear up from the bottom in a minnit, and will fight a yoke ov oxen, if they show her the least bit ov sass. The geese iz excellent for feathers, which she sheds every year by the handful.
They are also amphibicuss, besides several other kinds ov cuss.
But they are mostly cureiss about one thing: they kan haul one leg up into their body, and stand on tuther, awl day, and not tutch ennything with their hands.
I take notis, thare ain’t but darn few men kan dew this.
“THE CLAM.”
The clam iz a bulbous plant, and resides on the under side ov the water. He iz born az the birds are, but don’t cum out ov his shell. He iz deserted by his parents at a young and tender age, but don’t bekum clamarous on this akount, but sits still, and keeps watch with hiz mouth, for sumthin tew cum along.
Hiz temper iz sed tew be cold and clammy, but he must hav a relish for sumthing, for hiz mouth waters aul the time.
Thare iz nothing more docile than the clam, and altho they sumtimes git into a stew, they are az eazy tew lay yure hand on, and ketch, az a stun, but they are like an injun, not very talky; they hav got an impediment in their noize; their lips open with too much titeness, and their mouth iz tew full ov tongue tew be glib.
Clams were fust diskovered, az the meazles waz, by being caught. How long a clam kan live I don’t beleaf they kan tell themselfs, probably 5 thousand years, but a large share ov this time iz wasted; a clam’s time aint worth mutch, only tew grow tuff in; it is jiss so with sum other folks I kno ov.
SNAILS, SNAIKS, AND BABYS
The slowest gaited animal on the face ov the earth iz the snail.
They are one ov the phew who take their house with them, when they go away from home.
Snails are sed tew be delikate eating, but if i kan hav all the hash i want, i will try and struggle along without any snail. You kant phool me with hash, I kno how that iz made, but i don’t kno how snail are put together. Ignorance iz sed tew be bliss, and i hav often thought that it waz, and if i don’t never kno how snails taste, i don’t think now i shall repent ov it.
It haz always been a source ov mutch doubt with me, in mi hours ov contemplashun, which waz made fust, the snail or hiz shell, but if i don’t know even this, i don’t mean tew git mad about it.
I hav grate phaith in enny job that natur turns out, and i had rather hav phaith than knowledge, it saves a grate deal ov hard work. It costs a grate deal to kno all about things, and then yu ain’t certain, but phaith iz cheap, and don’t make enny blunders.
Science iz smart, but she kant tell yu what makes the flowers blush so menny different colors, but phaith can. Science on a deth bed iz a pigmy, but phaith iz a giant.
STRIPED SNAKE
The striped snake iz one ov the slipperyest jobs that natur ever turned loose.
They travel on the lower side ov themselfs, and kan slip out ov sight like blowing out a kandle. They were made for sum good purpose, but i never hav bin informed for what, unless it waz tew hav their heds smashed.
They are sed tew be innocent, but they hav got a bad reputashun, and all the innocence in the world won’t kure a bad reputashun.
They liv in the grass but seldom git stept on, bekauze they don’t stay long enuff in the right place.
When i waz a little boy, and wore naked feet, and waz loafing around loose for strawberrys, i waz often times just a going tew step on a striped snaik, but it alwus cured me ov strawberrys.
If a striped snaik got into a 10-aker lot before i did, i alwus konsidered that all the strawberrys in that lot belonged tew the snaik.
“Fust cum, fust sarve,” was mi motto.
I am just az fraid ov snaiks now az i waz 40 years ago, and if i should liv tew be az old az Nebudkennezer waz, and go tew grass as he did, one striped snaik would spile 50 akers ov good pasture for me.
Wimmin don’t luv snaiks enny more than i do, and i respekt her for this.
How on earth Eve waz seduced by a snaik, iz a fust class mistery tew me, and if i hadn’t read it in the bible, i would bet aginst it.
I beleave everything thare iz in the bible, the things i kant understand, I beleave the most.
I wouldn’t swop oph the phaith i hav got for any living man’s knoweledge.
Snaiks are all sorts, and all sizes, and the smaller they are, the more i am afrade ov them.
I wouldn’t buy a farm at haff price that had a striped snaik on it.
Ded snaik are a weakness with me; i always respekt them, and whenever i see a ded one in the road, i dont drop a tear on him, but i drop another stone on him, for fear he might alter his mind and cum tew life agin, for a snaik hates tew die just az much az a kat duz.
I never could ackount for a snaik or a kat hateing tew die so bad, unless it waz bekauze they waz so poorly prepared for deth.
BABYS
Babys i luv with all mi heart; they are mi sweetmeats, they warm up mi blood like a gin sling, they krawl into me and nestle by the side ov mi soul, like a kitten under a cook stove.
I hav raized babys miself, and kno what i am talking about.
I hav got grandchildren, and they are wuss than the fust krop tew riot amung the feelings.
If i could hav mi way, i would change all the human beings now on the face ov the earth back into babys at once, and keep them thare, and make this footstool one grand nussery; but what i should do for wet nusses i don’t kno, nor don’t care.
I would like tew have 15 babys now on mi lap, and mi lap ain’t the handyest lap in the world for babys, neither.
My lap iz long enuff, but not the widest kind ov a lap.
I am a good deal ov a man, but i konsist ov length principally, and when i make a lap ov miself, it iz not a mattrass, but more like a couple ov rails with a jint in them.
I can hold more babys in mi lap at once, than any man in Amerika, without spilling one, but it hurts the babys.
I never saw a baby in mi life that i didn’t want tew kiss; i am wuss than an old maid in this respekt.
I hav seen babys that i hav refused tew kiss untill they had been washt; but the baby want tew blame for this, neither waz i.
Thare are folks in this world who say they don’t luv babys, but yu kan depend upon it, when they waz babys sumboddy loved them.
Babys luv me, too. I kan take them out ov their mothers’ arms just az eazy az i kan an unfleged bird out ov hiz nest. They luv me bekauze i luv them.
And here let me say, for the comfort and consolashun ov all mothers, that whenever they see me on the cars or on the steambote, out ov a job they needn’t hesitate a minnit tew drop a clean, fat baby into mi lap; i will hold it, and kiss it, and be thankful besides.
Perhaps thare iz people who don’t envy me all this, but it iz one ov the sharp-cut, well-defined joys ov mi life, mi love for babys and their love for me.
Perhaps thare iz people who will call it a weakness, i don’t care what they call it, bring on the babys. Unkle Josh haz always a kind word and a kiss for the babys.
I love babys for the truth thare iz in them, i aint afraid their kiss will betray me, their iz no frauds, ded beats nor counterfits among them.
I wish i was a baby (not only once more) but forever-more.
“THE CRAB.”
Natur is fond ov a joke.
She must have felt full ov fun, when she made a soft shell crab. The strongest emotion the crab haz iz tew bite. They aint afrade tew bite a sawlog, or a black bear. They are born in the water, but they kan live out doors on the land as long az they kan find ennything tew bite.
They hav several leggs, which are aul lokated on the starboard side ov their person. Crabs liv under cover, like the mud turtles, but they move evry fust ov May, into a new one.
They are sed tew be good eating, but you wouldn’t think so tew stand and look at them; it would bother a stranger tew tell where tew begin; it would be a good deal like trying tew make a sudden dinner out ov a kross kut saw.
They are biled in a pot, about 3 bushels ov them, until they stop biting, and then they are done, and are et by throwing away the boddy, and sucking the pith out ov the limbs. It is a good deal like trieng tew get the meat out ov a grasshopper’s leggs. It is considered a good day’s work to git one dinner out of biled crabs; I think perhaps a person mite sustane life on them, but he would hav tew work nite and day to do it, and keep a smart man biling crabs aul the time. Crabs bite with their feet, and hang on like a country couzin.
ESSA ON SWINE
Hogs generally are quadriped.
The extreme length ov their antiquity haz never been fully discovered; they existed a long time before the flood, and hav existed a long time since.
There iz a grate deal ov internal revenew in a hog, thare ain’t mutch more waste in them than thare iz in a oyster.
Even their tails can be wurked up into whissells.
Hogs are good quiet boarders; they alwus eat what iz set before them, and don’t ask enny foolish questions.
They never hav enny disseaze but the meazles, and they never hav that but once; once seems to satisfy them.
Thare iz a grate menny breeds amongst them.
Sum are a close corporation breed, and sum are bilt more apart, like a hemlock slab.
Sum are full in the face, like a town clock, and some are az long and lean az a cow-catcher, with a steel pinted noze on them.
They kan awl rute well; a hog that kant rute well, haz bin made in vain.
They are a short lived animal, and generally die az soon az they git fatt.
The hog kan be larnt a grate menny cunning things, such az highsting the front gate off from the hinges, tipping over the swill barrells, and finding a hole in the fence to git into a cornfield, but thare ain’t enny length tew their memory; it iz awful hard work for them tew find the same hole to git out at, espeshly if yu are at all anxious they should.
Hogs are very kontrary, and seldom drive well the same way yu are going; they drive the most the other way; this haz never bin fully explained, but speaks volumes for the hog.
THE CAT, AND THE KANGAROO
The cat, iz called a domestik animile, – but i never hav bin able tew tell wharefore.
You kant trust one, enney more than yu kan a case ov the gout. Thare iz only one mortal thing, that yu kan trust a cat with, and cum out even, and that iz, a bar ov hard sope.
They are az meak as Mosiss, but az full ov develtry az Judus Iskaratt.
They will harvest a dozen ov yung chickens for yu, and then steal into the sitting room, az softly az an undertaker, and lay themselfs down on the rug, at yure feet, full ov injured innocence, and chicken, and dream ov their childhood days.
All thare iz, sure about a cat, that iz domestik, that i kno ov, iz, that yu kant looze one.
You kant looze a cat, – they are az hard to looze, az a bad reputashun iz.
You may send one out ov the state, dun up in a meal bag, and marked, “C. O. D.,” and the next morning yu will find him, or her, (accordin tew sex) in the same old spot, along side ov the kitchen stove, reddy tew be stepped on.
Cats hav got two good ears for melody, and often make the night atmosphear melodious, with their opera musik.
But the most wonderful thing, about a cat, that haz bin diskovered yet, iz their fear ov death.
Yu kant induce one, by enny ordinary means, to accept ov death, – they aktually skorn tew die.
You may kill one, az much az yu hav a mind to, and they will begin life anew, in a few minnitts, with a more flattering prospektus.
Dogs i love, they carry their kridenshuls in their faces, and kant hide them, but the bulk ov cats reputashun lays buried in their stumuk, az unknown tew themselfs, az tew enny boddy else.
Thare iz only one thing, about, that i like, and that iz, they are verry cheap, – a little money, – well invested, – will go a grate ways, in cats.
Cats are very plenty in this world, just now, i counted 18 from my boarding house winder, one moon lite night, last summer, and it want a fust rate night for cats neither.
The Kangaroo is an overgrown monkey. They are fello-citizens ov Afrika, and spend most ov their lezzure moments on foot. They hav four legs, but their fore legs aint ov mutch use to them; they do most ov their acktual bizzness with their hind legs. They travel a good deal az a frog duz – on the jump.
Kangarooes are verry valuabel in their plase, and Afrika iz the plase for them. I hav thought if the whole ov Afrika had been planted with Kangaroos, and none ov it with other peeple, it would hav been full as good a crop to know what to do with.
Kangaroos liv upon roots, gras, and herbs, and kan outjump ennything in the wilderness. In the face they resemble the deer, but in the length ov their tails they resemble a whole herd ov deer.
A kangaroo’s tail iz a living kuriosity; in its general habits it looks and akts like a rat’s tail, but in size you must multiply it by six thousand and upwards.
What on arth a kangaroo wants so mutch tail for haz bothered the philosophers for ages, and i understand, that lately, at one ov their scientifick meetings they hav giv it up.
The philosophers git beat oftener than ennybody i kno ov, but they seldom giv a thing up; but the kangaroo’s tail waz too mutch for them.
But a kangaroo’s tail don’t bother me enny more than a kite’s tail duz; a bob-tailed kangaroo on the jump would akt just as a bob-tailed kite duz in the air. Whenever i cum acrost ennything in natur that i kant explain, then i kno at once that it iz all right for natur never made enny blunders in the animals; if she has failed ennywhare, it iz in man.
Natur gav man reazon, and showed him how to use it, but man luvs to open the throttle valve and let reazon hum. This ackounts for hiz running oph from the track so often and gitting bust up. I never knu a kangaroo tew bust up.
THE CODFISH
The codfish iz a child ov the oshun. This ackounts for their being so salt.
They are caught with a hook and line, and bite a steel trap, and hang on like a poor relation.
They are good eating for a wet day; they are better than an umbreller to keep a man dry.
Dried codfish iz one ov the luxurys of life, but codfish three times a day would weaken mi confidence in them.
Codfish never venture in fresh water; they would soon spile if they did.
I never hav been codfishing miself, but think I should like it better than fishing for frogs.
I think i could ketch frogs well enuff, but i should insist upon their taking themselfs off from the hook.
I had rather take a boss bumble bee in mi hand than a live frog, not bekause I am afraid the frog would bite, but i am afraid ov their kicking.
Sum people ain’t afraid to take ennything with their hands, that they can reach, not even an eel, but if I should ever git caught by an eel, if i couldn’t settle with him, right off, by giving him the hook and line, i would throw the pole into the bargin and put for home.
The codfish iz sed tew be an aristokrat, and to keep aloof from the other fish of hiz size in the sea, and claims tew be a relation of the whales, but this looks to me rather fishy.
I hav noticed that the codfish alwus haz a stiff upper lip, but I think this iz more owing tew the bone that iz in him than it iz tew his blood.
THE MACKREL
The mackrel iz a game fish. They ought tew be well edukated, for they are always in schools.
They are very eazy to bite, and are caught with a piece ov old red flannel pettycoat tied onto a hook.
They ain’t the only kind ov fish that are caught by the same kind of bait.
Mackrel inhabit the sea, but thoze which inhabit the grocerys alwus taste to me az tho they had been born and fatted on salt.
They want a good deal ov freshning before they are eaten, and want a good deal ov freshning afterward.
If I can hav plenty of mackrel for brekfasst i can generally make the other two meals out ov cold water.
Mackrel are considered by menny folks the best fish that swims, and are called “the salt of the earth.”
THE POLLYWOGG
The pollywogg iz created bi the sides ov the road, out ov thick water, and spends hiz infancy in pollywogging.
After he haz got through pollywogging he makes up hiz mind that this world want made for pollywogs and “nothing venture nothing have,” and then he turns hiz attenshun tew bigger things.
He looks out upon life with the eye ov wisdum, and studdying the various animals ov creashun, he cums tew the konklusion that the best thing he kan do iz tew bekum a frog.
This iz the way that frogs fust cum tew be made, and pollywoggs tew be lost.
The pollywogg now leaves the water and spends a part ov hiz summers upon land.
He haz tew fite hiz way through life, and generally goes on the jump.
Being better at diving than he iz at dodgeing, he often runs hiz hed aginst sticks and stuns that the boys throw at him, but hiz two mortal enemys are the frenchman and the striped snaik.
The frenchman iz satisfied with hiz hind leggs, but the snaik swallows him whole.
I have seen sum good time made by the frog, and the snake, the snake after the frog, and the frog after dear life.
If the frog kan only reach a tree, and klimb it, he iz safe, for a snake kant travel a tree.
I don’t kno az the pollywogg gains ennything by swopping himself oph for a frog, unless it iz experience, but i never hav bin able to diskover much ov enny happiness in experience.
If experience ever made a man happy, i should hav happiness to sell, for I am one ov them happy phellows who never found ennything (not even the bite ov a lobster) only through the kindness of experience.
THE BULL HEAD
This remarkable beast of prey dwells in mill ponds and mud puddles, cluss to the ground, and lives upon young lizzards and dirt.
They hav no taste to their mouths, and never spit out ennything that they kan swallo.
They have two ugly black thorns sticking out on the sides ov their hed, and are az dangerous tew handle az a six-bladed penknife, with the blades all open to onst.
They are like a kat, yu hav got to skin them before they are fit to eat, and after they are thoroughly cooked, if yu set them away in the cupboard until they git cold, they will begin life anew, and bekum az raw az a live mule.
They will liv, after they are ded az long az striped snaik kan.
I don’t advise enny man to fish for bull heads, but if yu feel az tho yu must, this iz the only best way to do it.
Take a dark, hot, drizzly night in the month ov june; steal out quietly from home; tell yure folks yu are going tew the nabors to borry a setting of hen’s eggs; find a saw log on the banks ov a stagnant mill-pond, one end of which lays in the water; drive the mudturkles and water snaiks oph from the log; straddle the log, and let yure leggs hang down in the water up tew yure garters; bait yure hook with a chunk ov old injun rubber shoe; az fasst az yu pull up the bull heads, take them by the back ov the neck and stab their horns onto the saw log; when yu hav got the saw log stuck full, shoulder the saw log, and leave for home; git up the next morning early, skin the bull heds, and split up the saw log into kindling wood, let yure wife cook them for brekfast, and sware the whole family to keep dark about it.
This iz the only respektabel way to hav enneything to do with bull heads.
MUDTURKLES
Mudturkles liv in a shell, which tha git verry mutch attached to. Tha are not fond ov company, and seldom receive visitors in their houses. Their food consists prinsipally of what they eat, which tha find wharever tha kan git it. Their style iz haf land, and haf water, and tha are at home on the banks or at the bottom ov a kanal. Tha hav sum eggs, which tha lay in sum warm sand, and ginerally hav them hatched out tew the halves. Tha belong tew the class known az “close korporashuns,” and are a hard animil tew whip, bekause tha alwus fite under cover. The mudturkle kant climb very well, and therefore seldum iz found up a tree. Tha are verry tuff ov life, and will outlive an injun rubber shoe, and don’t seem tew gro old enny faster than a paving stone duz. Tha kan be domestikated without enny trubble; awl yu hav tew dew, iz tew put them into a barrel, and tha aint ap tew stray off far. Mudturkles hav their faults, but tha won’t lie, nor drink rum, nor chaw terbacker, and tho tha cant trot as fast az sum hosses kan, thare sure tew git tew whare tha go tew, and never brake down on the rode. I take a deep interest in moste awl the animils, and particularly in mudturkles, and i dew hope that the Legislature in their wisdum won’t pass a law “prohibiting enny more mudturkles.” I regret tew hear, that in sum parts ov the kuntry, the people are in the habit of using mudturkles tew pitch quoits with, but I think this wants an affidavy with a revenew stamp onto it.
