Kitabı oku: «The Complete Works of Josh Billings», sayfa 8

ROOSTERS

Thare is not on the whole horizon or ov live natur a more pleazing and strengthening studdy than the Rooster. This remarkable package of feathers has bin for ages food for philosophik, as well as the simple currious mind. They belong tew the feathered sekt denominated poultry, and are the husbands of menny wives. In Utah it is konsidered a disgrace tew speak disrespekful of a rooster. Brigham Young’s coat ov arms is a rooster, in full blast, crowing till he is almost bent over double backwards.

The flesh ov the rooster is very similar tew the flesh ov the hen; it is hard tew distinguish the diffrence espeshily in yure soup. Roosters are the pugilists amung the domestik burds; they wear the belt, and having no shoulder tew strike from, they strike from the heel.

Roosters, according to profane history, if mi edukashun remembers me right, were formerly a man, who come suddenly upon one ov the heathen gods, at a time when he want prepared tew see company, and waz, fur that offense, rebuilt over into the fust rooster, and waz forever afterward destined to crow, as a kind ov warning. This change from a man akounts for their fighting abilities, and for their politeness tew the hens. Thare is nothing in a man that a woman admires more than his reddyness and ability tew smash another fellow, and it iz jiss so with a hen. When a rooster gits licked, the hens all march oph with the other rooster, if he ain’t haff so big or handsome.

It iz pluck that wins a hen or a woman.

Thare iz grate variety ov pedigree amung the rooster race, but for stiddy bizzness give me the old fash dominique rooster, short-legged, and when they walk, they alwus strut, and their buzzums stick out, like an alderman’s abdominal cupboard. This breed iz hawk-colored, and haz a crooked tail on them, arched like a sickle, and az full ov feathers as a new duster.

But when you come right down to grit, and throw all outside influences overboard, thare aint nothing on earth, nor under it, that kan out-style, out-step, out-brag, or out-pluck a regular Bantam rooster.

They alwus put me in mind ov a small dandy, prakticing before a looking-glass.

They don’t weigh more than 30 ounces, but they make az mutch fuss az a ton, i have seen them trieing tew pik a quarrel with a two hoss waggon, and don’t think they would hesitate tew fight a meeting house, if it waz the least bit sassy tew them.

It is more than fun tew hear one ov these little chevaliers crow, it iz like a four-year old baby trieing tew sing a line out ov the Star Spangled Banner.

The hen partner in this concern iz the most exquisit little boquet ov neatness and feathers that the eye ever roosted on. They are az prim az a premature yung lady. It is a luxury to watch their daintyness, tew see them lay each feather with their bills, in its place, and preside over themselfs with az mutch delikasy and pride az a belle before her mirror.

But the consumation iz tew see the wife a mother, leading out six little chicks a bugging; six little chicks no bigger than bumbelbees.

It seems tew be necessary that there should be sumthing outrageous in evrything, tew show us whare propriety ends and impropriety begins. This iz melancholly, the case in the rooster affair, for we hav the shanghi rooster, the gratest outrage, in mi opinyun, ever committed in the annals ov poultry.

Theze kritters are the camels amung fowls, they mope around the barnyard, tipping over the hay racks and stepping on the yung goslins, and evry now and then they crow confusion.

If enny body should giv me a shanghi rooster i should halter him, and keep him in a box stall, and feed him on cut feed, and if he would work kind in harness, all right, if not, i would butcher him the fust wet day that cum, and salt him down tew give tew the poor.

But thare ain’t noboddy a going tew giv me one ov this breed, knot if i know it, i don’t think thare iz a man on earth mean enuff to do it.

Roosters do but very little household work, they wont lay enny eggs, nor try tew hatch enny, nor see tew the yung ones; this satisfys me that thare is sum truth in the mythologikal ackount ov the rooster’s fust origin.

Yu kant git a rooster to pay enny attenshun tew a yung one, they spend their time in crowing, strutting, and occassionly find a worm, which they make a remarkabell fuss over, calling up their wifes from a distance, apparently tew treat them, but just az the hens git thare, this elegant and elaborate cuss bends over and gobbles up the morsel.

Just like a man, for all the world.

THE FOX

Of all the beasts who roam the hill tops, or clime the plains, thare is none who makes so few blunders, and so many good hits as the fox.

His shewdness iz more than a match for the lion’s strength, his logick iz more than a match for the malice ov the wolf and hiz politeness and defference makes him the fop and gentleman ov the forest.

The fox is a literary cuss; he haz been the hero ov history, fable, and song, from the fust dawn ov oral or written knowledge. He waz a genius long before ackedemick honors flourished; he waz a poet, skoller and sage before the days ov Homer and Herodotus, and now, in our times, he is the Ben Butler ov diplomacy an the Brigham Young ov matrimony.

The fox is purely a game bird. It costs on an average fifty dollars tew ketch him, and when he iz caught he aint worth more than ten shillings. He follers no regular bizzness for sustenance, but livs on the chances and on hiz wit.

He iz a fleshy-minded sinner, and hiz blandness iz too mutch for the quaintness ov the goose, the melankolly reserve ov the turkey, or the pompous rhetorick ov the rooster. They all kneel tew the logick of hiz tounge, and find themselfs at rest in his stummuk.

He luvs lam & green peas, but will diskount the peas rather than lose hiz dinner, and will go a mile and a half out ov his way to be polite to a duck or a goslin.

But the most lively trait in the fox iz his cunning; he alwas pettyfogs hiz own case, and wins a great deal oftener than he loses.

Foxes are not like men, kritters ov habit; they never do a thing twice with the same figures, and often alter their mind before they do a thing once. This is the effect of too mutch genius.

There iz this difference between genius and common sense in a fox: Common sense iz governed bi circumstances, but circumstances iz governed by genius.

The fox haz no moral honesty, but he haz got a grate supply ov politikal honesty. If another fox in his parish wants a phatt goose, he will work hard and get the goose for him, and then clean the meat all oph from the outskirts ov the goose for pettyfogging the case, and giv him the bones, and tell hiz politikal friend, with a smile in the left corner of his eye, that “everything is lovely and the goose hangs high.”

Foxes have learnt this piety from watching the men git geese for each other, and if animals don’t want their piety tew git sour, they must keep away from the men week days. The fox is tew mutch ov a pollytician to invest his religion in enny sich indigenous trash. He knows that sosiety haz claims on him, and are indebted tew him for sum goose, and expekt to be for several more. This iz a nobel trait in the fox, and shows that he aint a child ov ingratitude.

Foxes cum out ov the ground, but whether they are made out ov dirt i kant sware with much certainty. They cum out ov the ground through the instrumentality ov a hole, but whether the hole begins at the surface and runs into the mountain, or whether it begins in the mountain and runs tew the surface, don’t make a kussid bit ov difference.

But philosophers hav argued about this hole bizzness for years. Sum ov them say it runs in, and sum ov them be darned if it duz; and right here we can see the amazing difference between the logick ov the philosophers and the logick ov the fox. While they stand fiteing at the mouth ov the hole, the fox iz stealing their ducks and goslins.

Foxes are like cunning men – they hav but few brains, and but a small place tew keep them in, but what few they hav got are like angle worms in hot water – full ov anxiety and mizery.

Cunning is a branding iron; the letters on it are small, but alwus red-hot, and they read thus – Look out for the fox.

A YARN. – THE AUNT, AND THE GRASSHOPPER

Once on a previous time, about four hundred thousand years ago, in the old ov the moon, during a verry dry spell ov weather, just after a hard frost, when grass butter waz skass, while venus was an evening star. An old ant, who had lost awl ov her front teeth, and waz twisted with the rhumatiz, and a pollypurse in her noze, sot in an eazy chair, near the front door ov an aunt hill, superintendin a phatt kurnell ov wheat, which the yung aunts were trieing tew git down cellar, into their house.

Jisst then along cum a loafing grasshopper, smoking a pipe, and singing, “Begone dull care, i pray thee begone from me.” – and spieing the old ant, giving orders tew the yung aunts, he stopt tew hav a talk with her.

“Good morning, old mother Industry, good morning!” sed the grassbug. “A fine cernal ov wheat that, yu are rooling in!

“Hav yu heard the grate news?

“Dredfull sharp frost last night!

“Winter will soon set in, i reckon!

“I herd the owls hute last nite!

“Terribel bad acksident on the Harlem road yesterday!

“When dew yu think specie payments will be took up?

“Thare! mi pipe haz gone out, kant yu lend me a match?

“How menny aunts hav yu got in yure village?

“Enny sickness amungst them?

“I wonder if thare iz enny truth in the dispatch, that the pissmires, down on Sandy Creek, hav all struck for higher wages?

“Who do yu think yure ants will vote for for justiss ov the peace?

“What iz yure sold opinyun ov the new license law, will it make rum enny skarser?

“Do yu buy enny grocerys ov old Ferguson, i hope not, he iz a mean old skinflinter, he sold me, only last week, a peace ov bar sope, for sum beeswax.

“The world iz gitting more full ov wussness every day!

“I wonder if thare iz enny truth in what every boddy sez, about old Square Benson, that he kant pay, only now and then sum ov hiz dets!

“Do yu see much ov the krickets now a days?

“I should really like tew kno how they are gitting along; rather tuff times for them i guess, yu don’t think they will winter, do yu?

“When duz the moon change now days?

“Hav yu got enny onion seeds tew spare, that yu kan reckomend?

“Dew yu think England will ever pay the Allabarmer klaims?

“I kant see what makes the cockroaches so stuck up, i met one this morning, and before i could put two civil questions at him he was out ov sight!

“Sum folks are alwus in sich a swetting hurry!

“Aint thare sum good law agin the spiders bilding their webs in the grass?

“How mutch wheat haz yure aunts got laid up; yu must hav sum tew spare?

“I wonder if it wont up and rain, before tommorrow?

“They tell me that maple sugar iz a drug in the market, owing to its peculiar mutchness; yu kant tell, kan yu, whether this iz so or not, i wish yu could!

“Mi opinyun now iz, that he who livs to see next year, will see buckwheat a bigg crop!

“I overheard the older hens say, az i cum past nabor Sherman’s lower barn this morning, that eggs waz gitting a good deal on plenty, and they must git tew work agin!

“Well! i am in an awful hurry, i am going down tew tend a jumping match between Springsteel, and Steelspring, two yung grasshoppers; this iz tew be the last hop ov the seazon.

“I must be a going!

“I am uncommon sorry i kant stay longer, and make yu a good visit.

“By the way! Old mother Industry, i hav got a profound sekret, that i want to tell yu, but i wouldn’t hav it known bi ennyboddy, for awl the world, if it should git out once, it would ruin me!”

“Then keep the sekret yureself,” spoke the ant, “it iz worth more to yu than ennyboddy else.”

This iz every word the bizzy old ant sed, but kept her eye all the time on the phatt keernel ov wheat and the loafing grasshopper moved off, whistling “Sally cum up.”

REMARKS

This iz the way with all loafers, if they kant steal yure time with idle questions, their last dodge iz to steal yure credulity with an idle sekret.

A HEN

A hen is a darn phool, they was born so bi natur.

When natur undertakes tew make a phool, she hits the mark the fust time.

Most all the animile kritters hav instinkt, which is wuth more to them than reason would be, for instinkt don’t make enny blunders.

If the animiles had reason, they would akt just as ridikilus as we men folks do.

But a hen don’t seem tew hav even instinkt, and was made expressly for a phool.

I hav seen a hen fly out ov a good warm shelter, on the 15th ov January, when the snow was 3 foot high, and lite on the top ov a stun wall, and coolly set thare, and freeze tew deth.

Noboddy but a darn phool would do this, unless it was tew save a bet.

I hav saw a human being do similar things, but they did it tew win a bet.

To save a bet, is self-preservashun, and self-preservashun, is the fust law ov natur, so sez Blakstone, and he is the best judge ov law now living.

If i couldn’t be Josh Billings, i would like, next in suit tew be Blakstone, and compoze sum law.

Thare iz one law i would compoze, which iz this, “no yung snob shall walk on 5th avenew on the Sabbath day, and twitch hiz hat oph more than two times, on each block, to persons on the opposite side ov the street, whom he dont kno, and who dont know him.”

I would hav this law compozed in brass, and send a coppy ov it to all the bar tenders, and cigar shop clerks, in the city.

This would soon put a stop tew this kind ov snobosity.

But notwithstanding all this, a hen continues tew be a darn phool.

I like all kinds ov phools, they cum nearer tew filling their destiny than ennyboddy i kno ov.

They don’t never make enny blunders, but tend rite tew bizzness.

The principal bizzness, ov an able boddyed hen, iz tew lay eggs, and when she haz laid 36 ov them, then she iz ordained tew set still on them, until they are born, this iz the way yung hens fust see life.

The hen haz tew spred herself pretty well tew cover 36 eggs, but i hav seen her do it, and hatch out 36 yung hens.

When a hen fust walks out, with 36 yung hens supporting her, the party looks like a swarm ov bumble bees.

Thare aint nothing phoolish in all this, but yu put 36 white stuns, under this same hen, and she will set thare till she hatches out the stones.

I hav seen them do this too – i dont wish tew say, that i hav seen them hatch out the stones, but i hav seen them set on the stones, untill i left that naberhood, which waz two years ago, and i dont hesitate tew say, the hen iz still at work, on that same job.

Noboddy but a phool would stik tew bizzness az cluss az this.

Hens are older than Methuseler, and gro older till they die.

Now I dont want it understood, that enny one hen ken, kan commense life, with the usual kapital, and live 999 years.

This waz the exact age ov Methuseler, if I have been informed correktly.

I simply want tew be understood, that hens (az a speciality) laid, cackled, and sot a long time before Methuseler did.

After reading this last statement over agin, i dont kno az i make myself fluently understood yet.

I dont undertake tew say, that Mr. Methuseler, cackled, and sot, what i want tew prove, iz the fakt, that hens were here, and doing bizzness in their line, before Methuseler waz.

Now I hav got it.

Thare iz one thing about a hen that looks like wisdum, they don’t cackle mutch untill after they have laid their egg.

Sum pholks are alwus a bragging, and a cackling, what they are going tew do before-hand.

A hen will set on one egg just az honest az she will set on 36 eggs, but a hen with one chicken iz always a painful sight tew me.

I never knu an only chicken do fust rate, the old hen spiles them waiting on them, and then it tires out the old hen, more than 36 chickens would.

I think this rule works both ways, among poultry, and among other pholks.

I have seen a hen set on 36 duck eggs, and hatch the whole ov them out, and then try tew learn them tew skratch in the garden.

But a ducks phoot aint bilt right for skratching in the ground, it iz better composed for skratching in the water.

When the young ducks takes tew the water, it iz melankolly, and hart brakeing, tew see the old hen, stand on the brim ov the mil pond, and wring her hands, and holler tew the ducks, tew come right strate out ov that water, or they will all git drowned.

I have seen this did too, but i never see the ducks come out till they got reddy, nor never see a young duck git drowned.

Yu kant drown a young duck, they will stand az mutch water az a sponge will.

One egg, per diem, iz all that a hen ought to lay, espeshily nu beginner, but there iz sum smart writers on the subjekt, who claim they ought tew lay two.

This needs more testimony.

Az an artikle ov diet, thare is but phew things that surpass cooked hen, if eaten in the days ov their youth and innosense, but after they git old, and kross, they kontrakt a habit ov eating tuff.

After thinking the thing over, and over, and over, I am still prepared tew say, that a hen is a darn phool, ennyhow you kan fix it.

I don’t speak of this as enny disgrace two the hen, it only shows that natur dont even make a phool without a destiny.

Az long as hens phill their destiny, eggs won’t git tew be worth over 25 cents a dozen, and broiled chicken will be one ov the luxurys ov life.

Thare iz grate proffit, and sum loss, in razeing chickens, the loss iz the heavyest when sum boddy brakes into the chicken coop, and steals all the chickens.

Thare iz a grate menny breeds ov hens, just now, but the old-fashioned speckled hen breed iz the most flattering.

After they hav laid an egg, they aint afraid tew say so, and kan outkackle all other breeds ov hens, and when yu come tew scratching up a garden, they are wuth two ov enny other kind.

I dont kno ov enny sight that pleases me more than tew see an old speckled hen cum sputtering oph from her nest and pitch, feet fust, into a new made garden.

I suppoze if I owned the garden this thing might not look so phunny tew me, but yu see, I dont own enny garden.

I belong tew that misfortunate klass ov real estate men who dont own enny garden, and I have sumtimes wondered if it want just about az proffitable for me tew enjoy the skratching up ov the garden, and let them other folks who own the hens and the garden do their own gitting mad and swearing.

THE GOTE

The gote iz a koarse wollen sheep.

They hav a split hoof and a whole tail.

They hav a good appetite, and a sanguine digestion.

They swallo what they eat, and will eat ennything they kan bite.

Their moral karakters are not polished, they had rather steal a rotten turnip, out ov a garbage-box, than tew cum honestly bi a pek ov oats.

The male gote haz two horns on the ridge ov hiz hed, and a mustash on hiz bottom lip, and iz the plug ugly ov hiz naberhood.

A maskuline gote will fite ennything, from an elephant down to hiz shadder on a ded wall.

They strike from their but-end, insted ov the shoulder, and are az likely tew hit, az a hammer iz a nailhed.

They are a hi seazoned animal, az mutch so az a pound ov assifidity.

They are faithful critters, and will stick tew a friend az long az he livs in a shanty.

They kan klime ennything but a greast pole, and kno the way up a rock, az natral az a woodbine.

They are az certain tew raize az yung ones, sum familys are haff gotes, and the other haff children. They are good eating when they are yung, but they leave it oph az they git stronger.

They are alwus poor in the boddy, but phatt in the stumick, what they eat seems to all go to appetight, yu mite az well agree tew phatt an injun rubber over shew bi filling it with klam shells, az tew raize enny adipoze membrane on the outside bust ov a gote.

A phatt gote would be a literary curiosity.

They use the same dialekt az the sheep, and the yung ones speak the language more fluently than the parients do.

Thare iz only two animals ov the earth that will eat tobakko – one iz a man and tuther iz a gote, but the gote understands it the most, for he swallers the spit, chaw and all.

The male gote, when he iz pensiv, iz a venerable and philosophy looking old cuss, and wouldn’t make a bad proffessor ov arithmetik in sum ov our colleges.

They are handy at living a longtime, reaching an advanced age without arriving at enny definite konklusion.

How long a gote livs without giving it up, thare iz no man now old enuff tew tell.

Methuzeler, if hiz memory waz bad at forgetting, mite giv a good-sized guess, but unfortunately for science and this essa, Methuzeler aint here.

Gotes will liv in enny klimate, and on enny vittles, except tanbark, and if they ever cum to a square death, it iz a profound sekret, in the hands of a few, to this day.

I wouldn’t like tew beleave enny man under oath who had ever seen a maskuline gote acktually die, and stay so.

Speaking ov Methuzeler, puts me in mind ov the fackt, if a man should liv now daze, as mutch az he did, and only hav one eye tew see things with, he would hav to hav an addishun bilt onto the back ov hiz head tew sto away things into.

The femail gote iz either the mother, or sister, or cuzzin ov the male gote, ackording tew the prevailing circumstansis in the case, or else i labour under a delusion, i forget witch.

They giv milk intuitively about a quart, before it iz watered, in twelve hours, which iz the subjickt ov nourishment in various ways.

This milk, whitch is extrakted from the female gote, iz excellent tew finish up yung ones on, but is apt to make them bellycose, and fightful.

It iz not unkommon for a babe, while inhaleing this pugnashus fluid, to let oph hiz left colleckshun or diggit and ketch the nurse on the pinnakle ov the smeller, and tap it for claret.

This iz a kommon fakt amung irish babes, and explains the reazon whi, in after life, these same babes make such brilliant hits.

In writing the history ov the male and female gote tew adorn the pages ov futer times, i flatter miself that i hav stuck tew the truth, and haven’t allowed mi imaginashun tew boss the job.

A grate menny ov our best bilt historians are apt tew mistake opinyuns for facts, this iz an eazy mistake tew make, but when i strike a goose, or bed bugg, or gote, yu notis one thing, i stay with them. – Finis.