Kitabı oku: «How to Talk to Anyone: 92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships», sayfa 3

When love is on your mind

If romance is on the horizon, Epoxy Eyes transmits yet another message. It says, ‘I can’t take my eyes off you’ or ‘I only have eyes for you.’ Anthropologists have dubbed eyes ‘the initial organ of romance’ because studies show intense eye contact plays havoc with our heartbeat.⁸ It also releases a druglike substance into our nervous system called phenylethylamine. Since this is the hormone detected in the human body during erotic excitement, intense eye contact can be a turn-on.

Men, Epoxy Eyes is extremely effective on women – if they find you attractive. The lady interprets her nervous reaction to your untoward gaze as budding infatuation. If she does not like you, however, your Epoxy Eyes are downright obnoxious. (Never use Epoxy Eyes on strangers in public settings or you could get arrested!)

Do you remember the lyrics to the old Shirley Bassey song?

The minute you walked in the joint, I could see you were a man of distinction – a real big spender.

Good looking, so refined. Say wouldn’t you like to know what’s going on in my mind?

The goal of this first section is not to make you look like a real big spender. Rather it is to give you the cachet of a real big Somebody the moment people lay eyes on you. To that end, we now explore the most important technique to make you look like a Very Important Person.

‘The minute you walked in the joint, I knew you were a real big winner’

When the doctor smacks your knee with that nasty little hammer, your foot jerks forward. Thus the phrase knee-jerk reaction. Your body has another instinctive reaction. When a big jolt of happiness hits your heart and you feel like a Winner, your head jerks up automatically and you throw your shoulders back. A smile frames your lips and softens your eyes.

This is the look Winners have constantly. They stand with assurance. They move with confidence. They smile softly with pride. No doubt about it! Good posture symbolizes you are a man or woman who is used to being on top.

Obviously millions of mothers sticking their knuckles between their kids’ shoulder blades, and trillions of teachers telling students, ‘Stand up straight!’ hasn’t done the trick. We are a nation of slouchers. We need a technique more stern than teachers, more persuasive than parents, to make us stand like a Somebody.

In one profession, perfect posture, perfect equilibrium, perfect balance is not only desirable – it’s a matter of life and death. One false move, one slump of the shoulders, one hangdog look, can mean curtains for the high-wire acrobat.

I’ll never forget the first time Mama took me to the circus. When seven men and women raced into the centre ring, the crowd rose as though they were all joined at the hips. They cheered with one thunderous voice. Mama pressed her lips against my ear and reverently whispered these were the Great Wallendas, the only troupe in the world to perform the seven-person pyramid without a net.

In an instant, the crowd became hushed. Not a cough or a Coke slurp was heard in the big top as Karl and Herman Wallenda shouted cues in German to their trusting relatives. The family meticulously and majestically ascended into the position of a human pyramid. They then balanced precariously on a thin wire hundreds of feet above the hard dirt with no net between them and sudden death. The vision was unforgettable.

To me, equally unforgettable was the beauty and grace of the seven Wallendas racing into the centre of the big top to take their bows. Each perfectly aligned – head high, shoulders back – standing so tall it still didn’t seem like their feet were touching the ground. Every muscle in their bodies defined pride, success, and their joy of being alive. (Still!) Here is a visualization technique to get your body looking like a Winner who is in the habit of feeling that pride, success, and joy of being alive.

Your posture is your biggest success barometer

Imagine you are a world-renowned acrobat, master of the iron-jaw act waiting in the wings of the Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey circus. Soon you will dart into the centre ring to captivate the crowd with the precision and balance of your body.

Before walking through any door – the door to your office, a party, a meeting, even your kitchen – picture a leather bit hanging by a cable from the frame. It is swinging just an inch higher than your head. As you pass through the door, throw your head back and chomp on the imaginary dental grip which first pulls your cheeks back into a smile, and then lifts you up. As you ascend high above the gasping crowd, your body is stretched into perfect alignment – head high, shoulders back, torso out of hips, feet weightless. At the zenith of the tent, you spin like a graceful top to the amazement and admiration of the crowd craning their necks to watch you. Now you look like a Somebody.

One day, to test Hang by Your Teeth, I decided to count how many times I walked through a doorway. Sixty times, even at home. You calculate: twice out your front door, twice in, six times to the bathroom, eight times to the kitchen, and through countless doors at your office. It adds up. Visualize anything sixty times a day and it becomes a habit! Habitual good posture is the first mark of a Big Winner.

Technique 4:

Hang by your teeth

Visualize a circus iron-jaw bit hanging from the frame of every door you walk through. Take a bite and, with it firmly between your teeth, let it swoop you to the peak of the big top. When you Hang by Your Teeth, every muscle is stretched into perfect posture position.

You are now ready to float into the room to captivate the crowd or close the sale (or maybe just settle for looking like the most important Somebody in the room).

You now have all the basics Bob the artist needs to portray you as a Big Winner. Like he said, ‘great posture, a heads-up look, a confident smile, and a direct gaze.’ The ideal image for somebody who’s a Somebody.

Now let’s put the whole act into motion. It’s time to turn your attention outward to your Conversation Partner. Use the next two techniques to make him or her feel like a million.

‘Well, how do you like me so far?’

Remember the old joke? The comic comes onstage and the first words out of his mouth are, ‘Well, how do you like me so far?’ The audience always cracks up. Why? Because we all silently ask that question. Whenever we meet someone, we know, consciously or subconsciously, how they’re reacting to us.

Do they look at us? Do they smile? Do they lean toward us? Do they somehow recognize how wonderful and special we are? We like those people. They have good taste. Or do they turn away, obviously unimpressed by our magnificence. The cretins!

Two people getting to know each other are like little puppies sniffing each other out. We don’t have tails that wag or hair that bristles. But we do have eyes that narrow or widen. And hands that flash knuckles or subconsciously soften in the palms-up ‘I submit’ position. We have dozens of other involuntary reactions that take place in the first few moments of togetherness.

Attorneys conducting voir dire are exquisitely aware of this. They pay close attention to your instinctive body reactions. They watch to see how fully you are facing them and just how far forward or back you’re leaning while answering their questions. They check out your hands. Are they softly open, palms up, signifying acceptance of the ideas they’re expressing? Or are you making a slight fist, knuckles out, signalling rejection? They scrutinize your face for the split seconds you break eye contact when discussing relevant subjects like your feelings on big awards for damages, or the death penalty. Sometimes attorneys bring along a legal assistant whose sole job is to sit on the sidelines and take precise note of your every fidget.

An interesting aside: trial lawyers often choose women to do this twitch-and-turn spying job because, traditionally, females are sharper observers of subtle body cues than males. Women, more sensitive to emotions than men, often ask their husbands, ‘Is something bothering you, Honey?’ (These supersensitive women accuse their husbands of being so insensitive to emotions that they wouldn’t notice anything is wrong until their neckties are drenched in her tears.)

The attorney and the assistant then review your ‘score’ on the dozens of subconscious signals you flashed. Depending on their tally, you could find yourself on jury duty or twiddling your thumbs back in the juror’s waiting room.

Trial lawyers are so conscious of body language that, in the 1960s during the famous trial of the Chicago Seven, defence attorney William Kuntsler actually made a legal objection to Judge Julius Hoffman’s posture. During the summation by the prosecution, Judge Hoffman leaned forward which, accused Kuntsler, sent a message to the jury of attention and interest. During his defence summation, complained Kuntsler, Judge Hoffman leaned back, sending the jury a subliminal message of disinterest.

You’re on trial – and you only have ten seconds!

Like lawyers deciding whether they want you on their case, everybody you meet makes a subconscious judgment on whether they want you in their lives. They base their verdict greatly on the same signals, your body-language answer to their unspoken question, ‘Well, how do you like me so far?’

The first few moments of your reactions set the stage upon which the entire relationship will be played out. If you ever want anything from the new acquaintance, your unspoken answer to their unspoken question, ‘How do you like me so far?’ must be, ‘Wow! I really like you.’

When a little four-year-old feels bashful, he slumps, puts his arms up in front of his chest, steps back, and hides behind mummy’s skirt. However, when little Johnny sees daddy come home, he runs up to him, he smiles, his eyes get wide, and he opens his arms for a hug. A loving child’s body is like a tiny flower bud unfolding to the sunshine.

Twenty, thirty, forty, fifty years of life on earth make little difference. When forty-year-old Johnny is feeling timid, he slumps and folds his arms in front of his chest. When he wants to reject a salesman or business colleague, he turns away and closes him off with a myriad of body signals. However, when welcoming his loved one home after an absence, big Johnny opens his body to her like a giant daffodil spreading its petals to the sun after a rainstorm.

Respond to the hidden infant

Once I was at a corporate star-studded party with an attractive recently divorced friend of mine. Carla had been a copywriter with one of the leading advertising agencies which, like so many companies then, had downsized. My girlfriend was both out of work and out of a relationship.

At this particular party, the pickings for Carla were good, both personally and professionally. Several times as Carla and I stood talking, one good-looking corporate male beast or another would find himself within a few feet of us. More often than not, one of these desirable males would flash his teeth at Carla. She sometimes graced the tentatively courting male with a quick smile over her shoulder. But then she’d turn back to our mundane conversation as though she were hanging on my every word. I knew she was trying not to look anxious, but inside Carla was crying out, ‘Why doesn’t he come and speak to us?’

Right after one prize corporate Big Cat smiled but, due to Carla’s minimal reaction, wandered back into the social jungle, I had to say, ‘Carla, do you know who that was? He’s the head of the Young & Rubicam in Paris. They’re looking for copywriters willing to relocate. And he’s single!’ Carla moaned.

Just then we heard a little voice down by Carla’s left knee. ‘Hello!’ We looked down simultaneously. Little five-year-old Willie, the hostess’s adorable young son, was tugging on Carla’s skirt, obviously craving attention.

‘Well, well, well,’ Carla cried out, a big smile erupting all over her face. Carla turned toward him. Carla kneeled down. Carla touched little Willie’s elbow. And Carla crooned, ‘Well, hello there, Willie. How are you enjoying mummy’s nice party?’

Little Willie beamed.

When little Willie finally trundled off to tug on the garments of the next group of potential attention givers, Carla and I returned to our grown-up conversing. During our chat, corporate beasts continued to stalk Carla with their eyes. And Carla continued casting half smiles at them. She was obviously disappointed none of them were making a further approach. I had to bite my tongue. Finally, when I felt it was going to bleed from the pressure of my teeth, I said, ‘Carla, have you been noticing that four or five men have come over and smiled at you?’

‘Yes,’ Carla whispered, her eyes darting nervously around the room lest anyone overhear us.

‘And you’ve been giving them little half smiles,’ I continued.

‘Yes,’ she murmured, now confused at my question.

‘Remember when little Willie came up and tugged on your skirt? Do you recall how you smiled that beautiful big smile of yours, turned toward him, and welcomed him into our grown-up conversation?’

‘Yee-es,’ she answered haltingly.

‘Well, I have a request, Carla. The next man who smiles at you, I want you to give him that same big smile you gave Willie. I want you to turn toward him just like you did then. Maybe even reach out and touch his arm like you did Willie’s, and then welcome him into our conversation.’

‘Oh Leil, I couldn’t do that.’

‘Carla, do it!’ Sure enough, within a few minutes, another attractive man wandered our way and smiled. Carla played her role to perfection. She flashed her beautiful teeth, turned fully toward him, and said, ‘Hello, come join us.’ He wasted no time accepting Carla’s invitation.

After a few moments, I excused myself. Neither noticed my departure because they were in animated conversation. The last glimpse I had of my friend at the party was her floating out the door on the arm of her new friend.

Just then the technique I call the Big-Baby Pivot was born. It is a skill that will help you win whatever your heart desires from whatever type of beasts you encounter in the social or corporate jungle.

Technique 5:

The big-baby pivot

Give everyone you meet the Big-Baby Pivot. The instant the two of you are introduced, reward your new acquaintance. Give the warm smile, the total-body turn, and the undivided attention you would give a tiny tyke who crawled up to your feet, turned a precious face up to yours, and beamed a big toothless grin. Pivoting 100 per cent toward New Person shouts ‘I think you are very, very special.’

Remember, deep inside everyone is a big baby rattling the crib, wailing out for recognition of how very special he or she is.

The next technique reinforces their suspicion that they are, indeed, the centre of the universe.

The secret to making people like you

A very wise man with the funny name of Zig⁹ once told me, ‘People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care … about them.’ Zig Ziglar is right. The secret to making people like you is showing how much you like them!

Your body is a twenty-four-hour broadcasting station revealing to anyone within eyeshot precisely how you feel at any given moment. Even if your Hang by Your Teeth posture is gaining their respect, your Flooding Smile and Big-Baby Pivot are making them feel special, and your Sticky Eyes are capturing their hearts and minds, the rest of your body can reveal any incongruence. Every inch – from the crinkle of your forehead to the position of your feet – must give a command performance if you want to effectively present an ‘I care about you’ attitude.

Unfortunately, when meeting someone, our brains are in overdrive. Remember Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar? He said of Cassius, he ‘has a lean and hungry look – he thinks too much – such men are dangerous.’ So it is with our brains when conversing with a new acquaintance. Our brains become lean. (Some of us are fighting off shyness. Others are frantically sizing up the situation.) And hungry (we’re deciding what, if anything, we want from this potential relationship). So we think too much instead of responding with candid, unselfconscious friendliness. Such actions are dangerous to impending friendship, love, or commerce.

When our bodies are shooting off 10,000 bullets of stimuli every second, a few shots are apt to misfire and reveal shyness or hidden hostility. We need a technique to assure every shot aims right at the heart of our subject. We need to trick our bodies into reacting perfectly.

To find it, let’s explore the only time we don’t need to worry about any shyness or negativity slipping out through our body language. It’s when we feel none. That happens when we’re chatting with close friends. When we see someone we love or feel completely comfortable with, we respond warmly from head to toe without a thought. Our lips part happily. We step closer. Our arms reach out. Our eyes become soft and wide. Even our palms turn up and our bodies turn fully toward our dear friend.

How to trick your body into doing everything right

Here’s a visualization technique that accomplishes all that. It guarantees that everyone you encounter will feel your warmth. I call it Hello Old Friend.

When meeting someone, play a mental trick on yourself. In your mind’s eye, see him or her as an old friend, someone you had a wonderful relationship with years ago. But somehow you lost track of your friend. You tried so hard to find your good buddy, but there was no listing in the phone book. No information on-line. None of your mutual friends had a clue.

Suddenly, WOW! What a surprise! After all those years, the two of you are reunited. You are so happy.

That’s where the pretending stops. Obviously, you are not going to try to convince New Person that the two of you are really old friends. You are not going to hug and kiss and say, ‘Great to see you again!’ or ‘How have you been all these years?’ You merely say, ‘Hello,’ ‘How do you do,’ ‘I am pleased to meet you.’ But, inside, it’s a very different story.

You will amaze yourself. The delight of rediscovery fills your face and buoys up your body language. I sometimes jokingly say if you were a light, you’d beam on the other person. If you were a dog, you’d be wagging your tail. You make New Person feel very special indeed.

Technique 6:

Hello old friend

When meeting someone, imagine he or she is an old friend (an old customer, an old beloved, or someone else you had great affection for). How sad, the vicissitudes of life tore you two asunder. But, holy mackerel, now the party (the meeting, the convention) has reunited you with your long-lost old friend!

The joyful experience starts a remarkable chain reaction in your body from the subconscious softening of your eyebrows to the positioning of your toes – and everything between.

In my seminars, I first have people introduce themselves to another participant before they’ve learned the Hello Old Friend technique. The group chats as though at a pleasant semi-formal gathering. Later I ask them to introduce themselves to another stranger, imagining they are old friends. The difference is extraordinary. When they’re using Hello Old Friend, the room comes alive. The atmosphere is charged with good feeling. The air sparkles with happier, high-energy people. They are standing closer, laughing more sincerely, and reaching out to one another. I feel like I’m attending a terrific bash that’s been going on for hours.