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Not a word need be spoken

The Hello Old Friend technique even supersedes language. Whenever you’re travelling in countries where you don’t speak the native tongue, be sure to use it. If you find yourself with a group of people who are all speaking a language unknown to you, just imagine them to be a group of your old friends. Everything is fine except they momentarily forgot how to speak English. In spite of the fact you won’t understand a word, your whole body still responds with congeniality and acceptance.

I’ve used the Hello Old Friend technique while travelling in Europe. Sometimes my English-speaking friends who live there tell me their European colleagues say I am the friendliest American they’ve ever met. Yet, we’d never spoken a word between us!

A self-fulfilling prophesy

An added benefit to the Hello Old Friend technique is it becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy. When you act as though you like someone, you start to really like them. An Adelphi University study called, appropriately, ‘Believing Another Likes or Dislikes You: Behaviours Making the Beliefs Come True’ proved it.¹⁰ Researchers told volunteers to treat unsuspecting subjects as though they liked them. When surveyed later, the results showed the volunteers wound up genuinely liking the subjects. The unsuspecting subjects were also surveyed. These respondents expressed much higher respect and affection for the volunteers who pretended they liked them. What it boils down to is: Love begets love, like begets like, respect begets respect. Use the Hello Old Friend technique and you will soon have many new ‘old friends’ who wind up genuinely liking you.

You now have all the basics to come across to everyone you meet as a Somebody, a friendly Somebody. But your job isn’t over yet. In addition to being liked, you want to appear credible, intelligent, and sure of yourself. Each of the next three techniques accomplishes one of those goals.

How to come across as 100 per cent credible

I have a friend, a highly respected headhunter named Helen. Helen makes terrific hires for her clients. I once asked her the secret of her success. She said, ‘Probably because I can almost always tell when an applicant is lying.’

‘How can you tell?’

She said, ‘Well, just last week, I was interviewing a young woman for a position as marketing director for a small firm. Throughout the interview, the applicant had been sitting with her left leg crossed over her right. Her hands were comfortably resting in her lap and she was looking directly at me.

‘I asked her salary. Without swerving her eyes from mine, she told me. I asked if she enjoyed her work. Still looking directly at me, she said, “yes.” Then I asked her why she left her previous job.’

Helen said, ‘At that point, her eyes fleetingly darted away before regaining eye contact with me. Then, while answering my question, she shifted in her seat and crossed her right leg over her left. At one point, she put her hands up to her mouth.’

Helen said, ‘That’s all I needed. With her words she was telling me she felt her “growth opportunities were limited at her previous firm.” But her body told me she was not being entirely forthright.’

Helen went on to explain the young woman’s fidgeting alone wouldn’t prove she was lying. Nevertheless, it was enough, she said, that she wanted to pursue the subject further.

Helen continued, ‘So I tested it. I changed the subject and went back to more neutral territory. I asked her about her goals for the future. Again, the girl stopped fidgeting. She folded her hands in her lap as she told me how she’d always wanted to work in a small company in order to have hands-on experience with more than one project.

‘Then I repeated my earlier question. I asked again if it was only the lack of growth opportunity that made her leave her previous position. Sure enough, once again, the woman shifted in her seat and momentarily broke eye contact. As she continued talking about her last job, she started rubbing her forearm.’

Helen continued to probe until she finally uncovered the truth. The applicant had been fired due to a nasty disagreement with the marketing director she worked for.

Human resources professionals who interview applicants and police officers who interrogate suspected criminals are trained to detect lies. They know specifically what signals to look for. The rest of us, although not knowledgeable about specific clues to deceit, have a sixth sense when someone is not telling us the truth.

Just recently a colleague of mine was considering hiring an in-house booking agent. After interviewing one fellow she said to me, ‘I don’t know. I don’t really think he has the success he claims.’

‘You think he’s lying to you?’ I asked.

‘Absolutely. And the funny thing is I can’t tell why. He looked right at me. He answered all my questions directly. There was just something that didn’t seem right.’

Employers often feel this way. They have a gut feeling about someone but they can’t put their finger on it. Because of that, many large companies turn to the polygraph. The polygraph, or lie detector, is a mechanical apparatus designed to detect if someone is lying. Banks, chemists, and grocery stores rely heavily on it for pre-employment screening. The FBI, Justice Department, and most police departments have used the polygraph on suspects. And the interesting part is the polygraph is not a lie detector at all! All the machine can do is detect fluctuations in our autonomic nervous system – changes in breathing patterns, sweating, flushing, heart rate, blood pressure, and other signs of emotional arousal.

So is it accurate? Well, yes, often it is. Why? Because when the average person tells a lie, he or she is emotionally aroused and bodily changes do take place. When that happens, they fidget. Experienced or trained liars, however, can fool the polygraph.

Beware the appearance of lying, even when you’re telling the truth

Problems arise for us when we are not lying, but are feeling emotional or intimidated by the person we are talking with. A young man telling an attractive woman about his business success might shift his weight. A woman talking about her company’s track record to an important client could rub her neck.

More problems arise out of the atmosphere. A businessman who doesn’t feel nervous at all could loosen his collar because the room is hot. A politician giving a speech outdoors could blink excessively because the air is dusty. Even though erroneous, these fidgety movements give their listeners the sense something just isn’t right or a gut feeling they’re lying.

Professional communicators are alert to this hazard. They consciously squelch any signs anyone could mistake for shiftiness. They fix a constant gaze on their listener. They never put their hands on their faces. They don’t massage their arm when it tingles, or rub their nose when it itches. They don’t loosen their collar when it’s hot or blink because it’s sandy. They don’t wipe away tiny perspiration beads in public or shield their eyes from the sun. They suffer because they know fidgeting undermines credibility. Consider the infamous September 25, 1960, televised US presidential debate between Richard Milhous Nixon and John Fitzgerald Kennedy. Political pundits speculate Nixon’s lack of make-up, his fidgeting and mopping his brow on camera lost him the election.

Technique 7:

Limit the fidget

Whenever your conversation really counts, let your nose itch, your ear tingle, or your foot prickle. Do not fidget, twitch, wiggle, squirm, or scratch. And above all, keep your paws away from your face. Hand motions near your face and all fidgeting can give your listener the gut feeling you’re fibbing.

If you want to come across as an entirely credible Somebody, try to squelch all extraneous movement when your communication counts. I call the technique Limit the Fidget.

Now let’s tackle intelligence. ‘What?’ you ask. ‘Can people come across as more intelligent than they really are?’ Well, did you ever hear of Hans, the counting horse? Hans was considered the most intelligent horse in history, and he used the technique I’m about to suggest.

How to make them say ‘you’ve got horse sense’

A horse, a very clever horse named Hans, inspires this next technique. Hans was owned by Herr von Osten, a Berliner, who had trained Hans to do simple arithmetic by tapping his right front hoof. So prodigious was Hans’s ability that the horse’s fame quickly spread throughout Europe in the early 1900s. He became known as Clever Hans, the counting horse.

Herr von Osten taught Hans to do more than just add. Soon the horse could subtract and divide. In time, Clever Hans even mastered the multiplication tables. The horse became quite a phenomenon. Without his owner uttering a single word, Hans could count out the size of his audience, tap the number wearing glasses, or respond to any counting question they asked him.

Finally, Hans achieved the ultimate ability that separates man from animal – language. Hans ‘learned’ the alphabet. By tapping out hoof beats for each letter, he answered any question about anything humans had read in a newspaper or heard on the radio. He could even answer common questions about history, geography, and human biology.

Hans made headlines and was the main topic of discussion at dinner parties throughout Europe. The ‘human horse’ quickly attracted the attention of scientists, psychology professors, veterinarians, even cavalry officers. Naturally they were sceptical, so they established an official commission to decide whether the horse was a case of clever trickery or equine genius. Whatever their suspicions, it was obvious to all, Hans was a very smart horse. Compared to other horses, Hans was a Somebody.

Cut to today. Why is it when you talk with certain individuals you just know they are smarter than other people – that they are a Somebody? Often they’re not discussing highfalutin’ subjects or using long words. Nevertheless, everybody knows. People say, ‘She’s smart as a whip,’ ‘He doesn’t miss a trick,’ ‘She picks up on everything,’ ‘He’s got the right stuff,’ ‘She’s got horse sense.’ Which brings us back to Hans.

The day of the big test arrived. Everyone was convinced it must be a trick orchestrated by Herr von Osten, Hans’s owner. There was standing room only in the auditorium filled with scientists, reporters, clairvoyants, psychics and horse lovers who eagerly awaited the answer. The canny commission members were confident this was the day they would expose Hans as chicanery because they, too, had a trick up their sleeves. They were going to bar von Osten from the hall and put his horse to the test all alone.

When the crowd was assembled, they told von Osten he must leave the auditorium. The surprised owner departed, and Hans was stranded in an auditorium with a suspicious and anxious audience.

The confident commission leader asked Hans the first mathematical question. He tapped out the right answer! A second. He got it right! Then a third. Then the language questions followed. He got them all right!

The commission was befuddled. The critics were silenced.

However, the public wasn’t. With a great outcry, they insisted on a new commission. The world waited while, once again, the authorities gathered scientists, professors, veterinarians, cavalry officers, and reporters from around the world.

Only after this second commission put Hans to the test did the truth about the clever horse come out. Commission number two started the enquiry perfunctorily with a simple addition problem. This time, however, instead of asking the question out loud for all to hear, one researcher whispered a number in Hans’s ear, and a second researcher whispered another. Everyone expected Hans to quickly tap out the sum. But Hans remained dumb! Aha! The researchers revealed the truth to the waiting world. Can you guess what that was?

Here’s a hint: when the audience or researcher knew the answer, Hans did, too. Now can you guess?

People gave off very subtle body-language signals the moment Hans’s hoof gave the right number of taps. When Hans started tapping the answer to a question, the audience would show subtle signs of tension. Then, when Hans reached the right number, they responded by an expulsion of breath or slight relaxation of muscles. Von Osten had trained Hans to stop tapping at that point, and therefore appear to give the right answer.

Hans was using the technique I call Hans’s Horse Sense. He watched his audiences’ reactions very carefully and planned his responses accordingly.

If a horse can do it, so can you

Have you ever been watching TV when the phone rings? Someone asks you to hit the mute button on the television so they can talk. Because there’s no sound now, you watch the TV action more carefully. You see performers smiling, scowling, smirking, squinting, and scores of other expressions. You don’t miss a bit of the story because, just from their expressions, you can tell what they’re thinking. Hans’s Horse Sense is just that – watching people, seeing how they’re reacting, and then making your moves accordingly. Even while you’re talking, keep your eyes on your listeners and watch how they’re responding to what you’re saying. Don’t miss a trick.

Are they smiling? Are they nodding? Are their palms up? They like what they’re hearing.

Are they frowning? Are they looking away? Are their knuckles clenched? Maybe they don’t.

Are they rubbing their necks? Are they stepping back? Are their feet pointing toward the door? Maybe they want to get away.

You don’t need a complete course in body language here. Already your life’s experience has given you a good grounding in that. Most people know if their Conversation Partners step back or look away, they’re not interested in what you’re saying. When they think you’re a pain in the neck they rub theirs. When they feel superior to you, they steeple their hands.

We’ll explore more body-language specifics in Technique # 77: Eyeball Selling. For the moment, all you need to do is tune to the silent channel being broadcast by the speaker.

Technique 8:

Hans’s horse sense

Make it a habit to get on a dual track while talking. Express yourself, but keep a keen eye on how your listener is reacting to what you’re saying. Then plan your moves accordingly.

If a horse can do it, so can a human. People will say you pick up on everything. You never miss a trick. You’ve got horse sense.

You now have eight techniques to help you come across as a confident, credible, and charismatic person who makes everyone he or she comes in contact with feel like a million. Let’s explore one last technique in this section to put it all together and make sure you don’t miss a beat.

How to make sure you don’t miss a beat

You’ve seen professional skiing on television? The athlete at the top of the piste, every muscle primed and poised, waiting for the gun to propel him to ultimate victory. Look deeply into his eyes and you’ll see he is having an out-of-body experience. In his mind’s eye, the skier is swooshing down the slope, zapping back and forth between the poles, and sliding across the finish line in faster time than the world thought possible. The athlete is visualizing.

All athletes do it: divers, runners, jumpers, javelin throwers, lugers, swimmers, skaters, acrobats. They visualize their magic before performing it. They see their own bodies bending, twisting, flipping, flying through the air. They hear the sound of the wind, the splash in the water, the whirr of the javelin, the thud of its landing. They smell the grass, the cement, the pool, the dust. Before they move a muscle, professional athletes watch the whole movie, which, of course, ends in their own victory.

Sports psychologists tell us visualization is not just for top-level competitive athletes. Studies show mental rehearsal helps weekend athletes sharpen their golf, their tennis, their running, whatever their favourite activity. Experts agree if you see the pictures, hear the sounds, and feel the movements of your body in your mind before you do the activity, the effect is powerful.

‘Twenty-six miles on my mattress’

Psychological mumbo jumbo? Absolutely not! I have a friend, Richard, who runs marathons. Once, several years ago, a scant three weeks before the big New York marathon, an out-of-control car crashed into Richard’s and he was taken to the hospital. He was not badly injured. Nevertheless, his friends were sorry for him because being laid up two weeks in bed would, naturally, knock him out of the big event.

What a surprise when, on that crisp November marathon morning in Central Park, Richard showed up in his little shorts and big running shoes.

‘Richard, are you crazy? You’re in no shape to run. You’ve been in bed these past few weeks!’ we all cried out.

‘My body may have been in bed,’ he replied, ‘but I’ve been running.’

‘What?’ we asked in unison.

‘Yep. Every day. Twenty-six miles, 385 yards, right there on my mattress.’ Richard explained that in his imagination he saw himself traversing every step of the course. He saw the sights, heard the sounds, and felt the twitching movements in his muscles. He visualized himself racing in the marathon.

Richard didn’t do as well as he had the year before, but the miracle is he finished the marathon, without injury, without excessive fatigue. It was all due to visualization. Visualization works in just about any endeavour you apply it to – including being a terrific communicator.

Visualization works best when you feel totally relaxed. Only when you have a calm state of mind can you get clear, vivid images. Do your visualization in the quiet of your home or car before leaving for the party, the convention, or the big-deal meeting. See it all in your mind’s eye ahead of time.

Technique 9:

Watch the scene before you make the scene

Rehearse being the Super Somebody you want to be ahead of time. See yourself walking around with Hang by Your Teeth posture, shaking hands, smiling the Flooding Smile, and making Sticky Eyes. Hear yourself chatting comfortably with everyone. Feel the pleasure of knowing you are in peak form and everyone is gravitating toward you. Visualize yourself a Super Somebody. Then it all happens automatically.

You now have the skills necessary to get you started on the right foot with any new person in your life. Think of yourself in these first moments like a rocket taking off. When the folks at Cape Kennedy aim a spacecraft for the moon, a mistake in the millionth of a degree at the beginning, when the craft is still on the ground, means missing the moon by thousands of miles. Likewise, a tiny body-language blooper at the outset of a relationship may mean you will never make a hit with that person. But with Flooding Smile, Sticky Eyes, Epoxy Eyes, Hang by Your Teeth, Big-Baby Pivot, Hello Old Friend, Limit the Fidget, Hans’s Horse Sense and Watch the Scene Before You Make the Scene, you’ll be right on course to get whatever you eventually want from anybody – be it business, friendship, or love.

We now move from the silent world to the spoken word.

Just as the first glimpse should please their eyes, your first words should delight their ears. Your tongue is a welcome mat embossed with either ‘Welcome’ or ‘Go Away!’ To make your Conversation Partner feel welcome, you must master small talk.

Small talk! Can you hear the shudder? Those two little words drive a stake into the hearts of some otherwise fearless and undaunted souls. Invite them to a party where they don’t know anyone, and it mainlines queasiness into their veins.

If this sounds familiar, take consolation from the fact that the brighter the individual, the more he or she detests small talk. When consulting for Fortune 500 companies, I was astounded. Top executives, completely comfortable making big talk with their boards of directors or addressing their stockholders, confessed they felt like little lost children at parties where the pratter was less than prodigious.

Small-talk haters, take further consolation from the fact that you are in star-studded company. Fear of small talk and stage fright are the same thing. The butterflies you feel in your stomach when you’re in a roomful of strangers flutter around the tummies of top performers. Pablo Casals complained of lifelong stage fright. Carly Simon curtailed live performances because of it. A friend of mine who worked with Neil Diamond said he insisted the words to ‘Song Sung Blue,’ a tune he’d been crooning for forty years, be displayed on his teleprompter, lest fear freeze him into forgetfulness.