Kitabı oku: «Fragile People: a Hidden Door into the World of Narcissists», sayfa 2

Narcissistic vulnerability

According to the narcissism scale, it is evident that although the majority of us are not extreme narcissists, we are still far from healthy narcissism. It means that all of us regularly enter the area of narcissistic vulnerability, which is associated with our self-esteem falling apart under the pressure of life's problems and failures. None of us is able to live without narcissistic losses. And to recover and once again become good for ourselves, we need time and mental work.

However, there are people (including me) who are especially vulnerable as far as self-esteem and dignity are concerned.

It is typical of us to get filled with shame when we attempt to compare ourselves with the others or in case one of our flaws is revealed.

We are used to cowering when someone is looking at us.

We are constantly criticizing ourselves and are always ready to blame ourselves for any misfortune or failure.

We do not belong to the community of people who we classify as normal.

We are striving to measure up, but we fail.

We are afraid of intimate relationships. We are afraid of rejection.

We are afraid that our feelings will go out of control.

We are afraid to lose control.

We are afraid to lose.

We are afraid…

We are vulnerable but ashamed of it, as we demand from ourselves to be mature in such a way that we would never care about other people.

We want to do everything perfectly but are unable to make a single step, since we are afraid that a failure will ruin our self-esteem, which we piece together every time with such difficulty.

We want to be with people but every time stand aside, feeling inferior and unworthy with every cell of our bodies.

When we are being arrogant, we are actually protecting ourselves from the look of disgust, which we are so afraid to see on other people's faces.

We attack ourselves in response to any blunder or failure to meet the ideal standard that we can find in any of our actions and even thoughts.

We treat ourselves mercilessly and ruthlessly, since otherwise, we might slack off and become “wimps”.

We are striving to be normal and pretend that we do not need anyone.

But it does not work every time.

We are just “fragile” people.

Narcissistic people

So, what does it mean to be a modern narcissist?

A famous psychoanalyst Nancy McWilliams³ believes that “the term 'narcissistic' refers to people whose personalities are organized around maintaining their self-esteem by getting affirmation from outside themselves… In some of us concerns with 'narcissistic supplies,' or supports to self-esteem, eclipse other issues to such an extent that we may be considered excessively self-preoccupied. Terms like 'narcissistic personality' and 'pathological narcissism' apply to the disproportionate degree of self-concern, not to ordinary responsiveness to approval and sensitivity to criticism.”

It means to feel overwhelmingly inferior and inappropriate in everything you do.

It means to drown in constant anxiety about tremendous opportunities around you – and all passing by. Thinking that everyone is able to grow, go up, climb, and only you have nothing but are supposed to have everything, since you are “special”.

It means to be under the illusion that you are able to achieve everything you have ever wanted. In such a way that the results would be unique and magnificent.

It means to constantly compare yourself with the others and always punish yourself for “losing”.

It means to be filled with dismay and boredom all the time.

That is how we go into our own personal “paralysis”: we must be magnificent, but we cannot start doing anything (we are afraid, ashamed, and “what's the point if all is doom and gloom?”), thus, becoming inferior again and again. In brief, instead of endless narcissistic orgasm – sheer impotence…

Narcissists demand grandiosity and fulfillment of the ideal image from themselves due to one very simple reason. They are not aware of any other ways of not feeling inferior. Our mind creates an illusion that it is the only way to escape the unbearable suspicion about how inferior we actually are. But here lies a trap, since it is exactly the way we open the gates of hatred to ourselves. Therefore, our “fragility” is only enhanced. So, how do we actually do it?

Narcissistic ways of treating oneself

Therefore, to be a narcissist is to constantly contempt or even despise one's real self as compared to the ideal image, which is so hard to attain. To suffer from humiliation and the feeling of being inferior, to be afraid of being rejected or unmasked. To run in circles, with a growing number of demands to oneself, while satisfaction and peace are waning…

Narcissists display a variety of ways of abusive self-treatment. We can say that it is the very reason why their self, which is far from stable, is being diminished, while they are running in narcissistic circles of “I must be the best; otherwise I'm a loser”.

We berate our virtues and human qualities; our achievements and the existing results.

We devalue all that we have inside that we could rely on.

We berate our creative energy, destroying with perfectionism all the impulses that hardly ever come out.

We berate certain parts of ourselves, for instance, a dependent, a loving, a gentle, a relaxed, a needy one, etc.

We scold ourselves for still needing someone and wanting to depend on people, although we should have long forgotten about that.

We condemn our future and our aspirations, all the time blocking the way forward…

Instead of normal actions, we carry on demanding from ourselves to live up to unattainable ideals.

Instead of acknowledging our own merits, we habitually look in the direction where we do not measure up to perfect performance.

Instead of living our lives, we are stuck in timelessness. While we are waiting for the ideal life, we are not living our real everyday life.

At the same time, we “understand everything”, since we are gifted with rare rationality and intellect.

But we cannot change anything about these ways of dealing with ourselves.

First of all, since we cannot act any other way rather than attacking and imperiously demanding something from ourselves. And secondly, if we stop doing it to ourselves, our dream of living up to the ideal self will collapse. And we will be overwhelmed with horror of staying inferior forever…

Fragile self-esteem and how we adapt to it

Our generation is terrified of the thought that they might be noticed, and even more terrified of the thought of not being noticed.

Jeffrey Epstein⁴

Let us once again explore what we call narcissistic “fragility”.

It is an unstable self-image, a distorted view on one's abilities, virtues, and talents.

It is a refusal to accept one's limitations and flaws.

It is a constant risk that the pettiest problems or misfortunes could lead to collapse of one's self-esteem.

It is a direct correlation between one's self-respect and the extent to which other people express their admiration and recognition to them.

These are serious fluctuations in the sense of self-worth depending on the extent to which the set goals and plans are fulfilled.

This is an utterly devastating impact that negative feedback or even neutral attitude from the outer world has on self-esteem.

Unworthiness, inferiority, and self-discrepancy – these are the three pillars, or namely three “holes” in the narcissist's psyche. Feeling this way is so unbearable that we are constantly trying to cover, plug, fill, or sate those “holes”. Everything is put to use: work, education, relationships, food, drugs, and other ways of “compensation” or “distraction”. Just to silence this anxiety of self-deficit.

Depending on whether we accept this feeling or not, there are two common narcissistic strategies. Some of us seem not to feel this anxiety and have no distinctive sense of their own unworthiness. On the contrary! They behave as if the world must give them all the best, as if it is perfectly obvious that they have value for themselves and for others. They radiate confidence, and we could even mistake that for healthy narcissism. If not for a small “but”, which might slip a casual observer's attention. On closer examination, it appears that there is no clear and realistic grounds for their high self-esteem, since all it is based on is exclusively a belief that “I am valuable in my own right”. If we ask why this person considers themselves unique and interesting, the answer will contain something very general that is not firmly based on reality. It would be totally unclear what grounds there are for such pride in oneself. Therefore, we can say that we are talking here not about high self-esteem but inadequately exaggerated self-esteem. This is excessive narcissism in action, which grants those who have it with inadequate evaluation of their self-worth in this world.

Usually, teenagers and adults who have not grown out of teenage years “suffer” from this type of narcissism. Looking at them, we see that while they have quite a few ambitions and claims for their uniqueness and absolutely special originality, there are no grounds to confirm their abilities to fulfil any of those. Or there is no understanding that for all this both time and effort are required. Excessive narcissism creates an illusion for the person suffering from it that they will get everything for free and in large amounts, just because they are so unique. As a rule, this type of narcissism is cured naturally as time goes by. Inadequate beliefs in being superior, chosen, unique, and influential often dissolve over the years by themselves. There would still be suffering and anger, but one would shed their illusions of excessive narcissism, staying with quite an adequate image of self and accepting their real abilities and limitations. Those who “get stuck” in such narcissism endure unreasonable arrogance and excessive ambitions. As years go by, it is getting harder and harder to ignore reality, and it is expected that you prove your value for yourself and people around you by real achievements and success in a particular sphere (either family, children or a career in a preferred field). And the main criterion would be the life that satisfies, lets one fulfil their potential in various ways. Therefore, someone attacked by the virus of narcissism is likely to become a grumpy person when they grow old, angry at the whole world and suffering from total injustice. That would be the price they pay for not agreeing to accept their real “size”, staying in a continuous illusion of one's exclusive uniqueness and significance.

On the other hand, the other category of narcissistic personalities is associated with a totally different adaptation approach to their own fragility. Their self-esteem is also inadequate but the “other way round”. It is unreasonably low. We are talking here about deficient narcissism, which instead of providing a feeling of one's significance, deprives a person of self-worth even in spheres where they evidently have it. In contrast to excessive narcissists, they really consider themselves not deserving even the most modest success and see themselves as incapable of anything. Then it turns out that along with that, for some reason, they demand outstanding accomplishments from themselves and are eager to meet the standards of “successful success”. That is their main pain.

Deficient narcissists are entirely unsatisfied with themselves, no matter what they achieve or do. They ignore reality where they actually have certain abilities, opportunities, and talents, and display behavior associated with one's self-worthlessness.

I also call such people hidden or covert narcissists, as it is practically impossible to suspect narcissism in them. Since instead of significance and grandiosity, they exhibit humiliation and reactions of acute shame in response to anything.

They are characterized by the following:

• the sense of one's inferiority and unworthiness;

• high sensitivity and vulnerability;

• high personal standards;

• procrastination and inability to reach goals;

• constant search for approval and recognition;

• proneness to shame;

• envy for other people and self-abasement when comparing oneself with others;

• narcissistic depression due to inability to live up to ideal and perfect images;

• lack of emotion and detachment form one's own life;

• and much more.

It is important to note that there are inner “holes” in both cases. However, excessive narcissists still believe and hope that if they try hard enough, they will conquer the world with their grandiosity. While hidden narcissists are stuck in hopelessness: they feel so unable to recover themselves to the level of a good and a worthy person that there is only one way to act left – linger in shame and hopelessly strive to disguise yourself as a normal person.

“Feeble semblance”

Thus, deficient narcissists are people whose “inner ear” constantly catches the signals confirming their unworthiness and inferiority from reality. Their sense of worth and self-respect is impaired. They are associated with particular types of behavior which demonstrate their insignificance and “defectiveness”. Instead of hiding their vulnerability, say, by seeming grandiose or unapproachable, they intentionally and manifestly undervalue themselves and complain of being undeserving. You would not believe it, but their narcissism is also aimed at maintaining a stable view on themselves. It is only that it does it in a way that seems paradoxical at first glance. As if it does not give one a chance to “get a swollen head”, so as not to be disappointed in oneself later. Thus, it turns out that deficient narcissists' psyche maintains the state of their “dismal worthlessness”, and by doing so protects them from greater damage to their self-esteem.

It may seem that deficient narcissists are all self-belittling whiners and victims who do nothing but sit and grumble about life. That is not true! In the course of my practice, I regularly meet objectively very successful men and women who have achieved a lot and continue breaking through the ceiling. They never sit still, they are constantly occupied, work or receive new education. They earn good money and have pretty good families.

Yet still! All of them have something in common. They are never satisfied with themselves. And not just like “I should've done better, I'll try again tomorrow”. It is a devastating process of blaming oneself for not doing it on time, doing little, badly, worse than the others. For not doing it earlier, better than anybody else, and besides, “everybody can do it”. For not doing it perfectly, ideally or ingeniously. For having required a lot of effort but must have coped with it easily. And so forth…

This book is about those people who are called deficient, hidden, or covert narcissists. About those who instead of being fulfilled and plentiful, feel that they lack something valuable and important. And all their lives are hopelessly trying to recover the good sense of self. This book is FOR those who recognize themselves in this narcissistic deficiency and decide to fill oneself with healthy and adequate worth. The goal is achievable, and a good sense of self is worth working on, isn't it?

Questionnaire for identifying narcissistic deficiency

I am pretty sure that having reached this page you have started to suspect deficient narcissism in yourself. At least, a light form. To provide you with some reference, I have prepared questions which would enable you to check how true your suspicions are.

Just answer “yes” or “no”, without thinking for too long. And believe me: even if you give a positive answer to the majority of questions in this questionnaire, it does not mean that you are a “rabid” narcissist. It is just that the narcissistic sphere of your personality is pretty vulnerable due to the circumstances of your life. We will talk about it in detail further on.

In the meantime, enjoy!

Statements connected with self-esteem

• My self-esteem greatly depends on what is happening in my life at the moment.

• Troubles and misfortunes leave me with a sense of inferiority for a long time.

• I rarely feel worthy and respected.

• I keep doubting my value and worth for the people around me.

• I often feel inappropriate when I contact with people.

• I never measure up to the ideal I set for myself.

• I can't see anything in myself that would make me unique as compared to other people.

• I have no virtues to be proud of.

• I don't know my strengths.

• I don't know what I could be loved, valued or respected for.

• I feel desperate when I think that I am an ordinary person, one of many.

• I often compare myself to the others. Not to my advantage.

• I feel overwhelmed by other people's success. When I compare myself to them, I instantly get absorbed in gloomy worthlessness.

• If I understand that in some way I'm worse than other people, I get overtaken by the feeling of unworthiness.

• I constantly criticize myself and devalue what I've done and achieved.

• I believe that if people discover who I really am, they will get irreversibly disappointed in me.

• When people look at me, I see criticism and judgement more often than benevolence and interest.

• Because of my flaws and the mistakes I've made in life, I'm much worse than the people surrounding me.

• My achievements and success do not convince me that I'm sufficiently competent or professional.

• I often feel like an impostor and I'm afraid that it will become evident to other people.

Statements to do with relationships with other people

• I often notice thinking that I feel better without people, since this way I can avoid the feeling of shame.

• If surrounded by people, I feel that there's something wrong with me.

• I believe that people around me are normal, but I'm sure that I'm not one of them.

• I don't like competition. It is associated with high risk of being worse than someone else.

• I can't imagine someone showing their condescending attitude to my flaws. It would be better for me not to reveal them to anyone under any circumstances.

• If I accept that I have many virtues, I'll have to always strive to live up to them and feel tense in order not to disappoint other people.

• Most of all I'm afraid of depending on other people.

• Asking for help makes me feel humiliated. It would be good if people voluntarily did for me what I needed, since, in turn, I do all I can for them.

• I don't understand why people need a relationship which does not involve mutual benefit.

• My goal is not to need people and cope with everything by myself.

Mental mindsets

• I'm often anxious about not being able to relax, since I have to move on; otherwise I'll always be “nobody”.

• I have to constantly prove to myself that I'm able to do many things in order to feel that there's nothing wrong with me.

• I don't gain satisfaction from achievements and success. After I've climbed another step, I must immediately move forward.

• I definitely cope with my life worse than the people around me.

• Criteria of success in life: beauty, strength, wealth, and power.

• I believe that clever people do not make mistakes.

• I believe that if you try hard, you can manage the events of your life.

• I can't accept the fact that some events happened in my life. I would prefer to have a different life story.

• I think it's humiliating for people to be dependent.

• Affection makes people dependent on each other, and that's dangerous.

• There is no point in pure enjoyment which brings no benefit.

• You shouldn't start something new if you're not perfectly sure of the result.

• If I started doing something, I would ask a perfect performance of myself, even if it wears me out.

Perhaps, having answered the questions, you have got confused: “Narcissism is the last thing I need!” But you are completely wrong. It seems that healthy narcissism, which would provide a stable foundation for your self-esteem, self-respect, and confidence while communicating with people is just what you need. The subsequent parts of the book will take us to the world of narcissistic health and wounds of this sphere. But before that… Just a few more words in defense of narcissists.