Kitabı oku: «Fragile People: a Hidden Door into the World of Narcissists», sayfa 5

A “hole” in the reflection

Once there lived Little Narcissette.

When she was little, Mom was always busy either with her younger sister, or alcoholic Dad, or her sick grandma. Mom couldn't find time for Little Narcissette, who was a healthy normal girl.

When Narcissette grew up, she couldn't decide what she wanted and what she didn't want, where it began and where it ended. On the whole, she was quite unsure whether everything was fine with her…

Once there lived Little Narcissette.

For some reason, Mom really liked to shame her. With or without reason.

Perhaps, she was suffering from some shame of her own.

Then Narcissette grew up and had no place to hide from her own inner shaming look. Which found her everywhere, with or without reason.

Once there lived Little Narcissette.

As a child, she was very pretty.

But Mom was anxious about her daughter's future and criticized her all the time, just in case. Either her nose was big, like her grandmother's, or her legs were fat, just like her granddad's.

So, when Narcissette grew up, in spite of being a beautiful woman, she would shy away from compliments and attention. She didn't like looking in the mirror or being photographed.

Then suddenly she grew old. One evening, Narcissette took out photos of her younger self. And bitterly cried.

 
We want to be loved;
failing that, admired;
failing that, feared;
failing that, hated and despised.
At all costs we want to stir up
some sort of feeling in others.
Our soul abhors vacuum.
At all costs it longs for contact.
 

Hjalmar Söderberg, a Swedish poet

Under normal conditions, a mother would respond to her child with her eyes and her body. In her eyes, we begin our existence for ourselves with “my honey” and “my sunshine”. We assign ourselves to ourselves, reflecting in the mirror of our mother's psyche. And then our baby's “self” starts to get filled with narcissistic investments: response, emotional involvement, reflection. A mother serves as the very mirror that was lost for Narcissus. Through the reflection in the psyche of a mother, a father, and other significant people, our self-esteem, self-perception, and self-worth are shaped. This is a natural and the only way for the psyche – a mirror stage, without which Narcissus was left, having lost the chance to become somebody for himself. This is the narcissist's drama – a hole in the reflection, which he is striving to fill, fundamentally not having such an opportunity. He can forever sit and look at his reflection and even have the beloved nymph Echo by his side, who would again and again repeat how handsome he is. But that would by no means fill the piggy bank of the “sufficiently good” inner image of the narcissist…

He will be doomed to come to any stream, where there is hope to see himself. But he will treat himself in quite an extraordinary way. Devalue and not believe, attack and destroy, run away or stay around without any feelings, any hope for a contact. Narcissistic defenses hide all the narcissist's pain. On the whole, he himself is invisible to his mother and desperately needs to be reflected in her. At the same time, in his wildest dreams, he would not admit that he needs this reflection, dependence on the other. And so, he sits alone on the bank, trying to make something out in the empty surface of the lake…

Unrealistic demands

Little Narcissette desired love so much. But Mom could only love in the form of anxiety or warning. So, Narcissette decided: “Never mind! I want at least praise and recognition!”

As you can guess, she failed to get that as well. Mom simply refused to see Little Narcissette and reflect her success.

Since then, Narcissette has grown up and stopped wanting love.

But she is still roaming the world in search of praise and recognition.

Once there lived Little Narcissette.

Her parents demanded a lot from her. She was supposed to be good at sport, study well, be an A-student at school. Of course, along with school competitions.

And when Narcissette grew up, she began to demand a lot from herself and simply couldn't leave herself alone.

But that was not the reason of her tiredness. She was worn-out by not being able to stop constantly demanding a lot from herself.

Once there lived Little Narcissette.

She had Mom who really had a hard life. And now a little daughter was getting in the way.

But Mom was smart. And in order to reduce her anxiety about Narcissette, she would scare and scold her. With a reason or just in case.

And soon Narcissette could do it perfectly herself. She scared and scolded herself. For good reason and just in case. And when she grew up, there appeared to be no other reasons to pay attention to herself rather than those. So, that's how she addressed herself: “You're a damn fool!”

Once there lived Little Narcissette.

She was highly praised for coping with something really hard or even daunting. For example, at the age of five to go to a certain place with her younger brother and bring something without money and so that it would be enough for the whole family.

And when Narcissette grew up, she was no longer able to live without such tension. That's why she keeps roaming the world, looking for difficulties.

Once there lived Little Narcissette.

As a child, she attended five after-school clubs and a small photo club. She was also an A-student at school. But parents were still anxious that she might start slacking off and become nobody.

And then she grew up. She had three jobs, and in the evening, she did sport, on the weekend, she hiked and ran marathons. But still remained nobody for herself. Since her life seemed overfilled, but inside it felt as if she wasn't there at all.

Once there lived Little Narcissette.

From her early years, Dad would demand from her to get straight A's at school and take part in all school competitions. Most importantly, to take the first place everywhere.

If she only managed to take the second place or, God forbid, the third one, that wouldn't count at all.

“Anybody can do that! What is there to be proud of?” said Dad disdainfully.

Since then, Narcissette has grown up and even aged a little. But she still doesn't understand who she is and what she has of her own inside. Since if she discovers something in herself, it turns out that others also have it and are also able to do what she can. If not everyone, then someone.

So, Narcissette lives with a huge hole in her soul, being just like everyone else. And there is nothing special or unique about her.

Once there lived Little Narcissette.

When she was a child, Dad kept saying that it was important to better control yourself and not be a crybaby like other girls. So, Narcissette grew up quickly and completely forgot how to cry. Then she forgot how it feels to be sad.

She always got it together so that nobody could get it on with her.

Literally. Why did she even grow up? To never get enjoyment? Even a tiny orgasm?

Once there lived Little Narcissette.

When she coped with everything, her parents didn't quite notice it, since it was normal. But when she made mistakes or didn't achieve anything, she was properly shamed. Just for educational purposes and for the sake of a better future. So that she didn't stop aspiring for development.

Narcissette has grown up. But she still can't relax. Since in case she relaxes, she will definitely deteriorate. Instantly.

Once there lived Little Narcissette.

Her family, for some reason, were very afraid of her getting a swollen head. So, her failures were loudly noticed and successes logically ignored. And sometimes also devalued, just in case.

When she grew up, she treated herself the same way.

But also got surprised that she hadn't yet become anyone special.

Not just high but tremendously high standards are set on a future narcissist in their childhood. A child is compared with aunt Kate's daughter or uncle Fyodor's grandson. For example, who among us have not heard something like: “My colleague's son passed all the exams with flying colors and takes the first place at all biathlon competitions”?

Narcissistic challenges – level of achievements demanded from a child by parents who neglect his or her interests, talents, and abilities, including age-related ones. Children who are narcissists-to-be are supposed to develop early, achieve results earlier than other children of their age, be a constant source of pride for their mom and dad. Mostly, such moms and dads have certain utopian ideas about what it means to be ideal parents. For them, it is crucial to arrange such present for their son or daughter that would necessarily lead to the promising future. Seeing their child as an ordinary person is unbearable for them. Thus, it is necessary to reveal talents in their children and lead them to achievements and successful life. However, unrealistic expectations are not the worst part. Far worse for the child is when they have to achieve everything without any support. This requirement usually sounds like that: first achieve something, then come with the results. Moreover, legitimate needs to be seen and supported in case of difficulties, which a child is entitled to due to their young age, are totally ignored. Therefore, a future narcissist is supposed to bring himself or herself up on their own, at the same time living up to their parents' requirements and not hope for any right for help while doing it.

Summary. Narcissistic adaptation to childhood conditions

Therefore, to my mind, all of the mentioned above explains how a narcissist is “hatched” from a child. This is a person who was not fortunate enough to be in a relationship of safe attachment and dependence. Who did not experience safe, reliable, predictable, and warm relationships with the first people in their life. Who shut the door of their soul too early, having lost the hope to ever love and be loved, who detached emotionally, protecting themselves from the pain.

The very attitude to them like to an unworthy and insignificant person by their close ones or the feeling of the lack of safety forced them to spend all of their psychic sources on defense. They had no opportunity to develop healthy confidence in themselves. They were absorbed in the idea of preserving themselves on this way of loneliness and detachment from people. They remained strangers and inadequate “aliens” from another planet, mesmerized by the world of human relationships and, at the same time, scared of it. They made numerous decisions for themselves in order to cut ties with themselves, their own feelings and other people. But all of those come together as a fateful choice which paved the way for narcissism, at the same time excluding a person from numerous areas of normal people's life. They will be unavailable to them, on the one hand, due to the lack of experience and also because their experience of being attached to people was broken off so early. On the other hand, due to their absorption in their crucial goal. Since then, all of their power, attention, and resources are aimed at self-affirmation and at least some self-identification. They crave it as a guarantee for becoming more adequate, adapted to life, worthy, deserving comparison with other people.

From now on, denial of the need for anybody and rigorous demands to oneself will serve as a basis for their defense. Since if they become perfect and ideal, they will have a chance, firstly, to do without anyone, and, secondly, other people will need them. Their narcissistic choice provides them with security and control over their feelings, senses, needs, and requirements. Why waste time on trifles? Command over the whole world. Paying the price with their soul, they seal the most crucial contract of their lives: they give away their humanness in exchange for the hope of controlling reality. Thus, deep inside, the most deficient of all narcissists is the master of life and death. Just slightly unfortunate… And this is what they punish themselves for.

Part 2. Deficient narcissism. What is it like?

Chapter 3. “Puzzles” of deficient narcissism

Narcissism manifestations resemble jigsaw puzzles. All of them are of a very different nature. The more puzzle pieces come together in one person and the more complex they are, the graver their narcissistic personality disorder. In this chapter, we will examine them and discover different bizarre “patterns” they may form. Keep in mind that this or that “puzzle” might manifest itself in each of us to a different extent. For instance, let us consider a typically narcissistic syndrome of grandiosity. It may be present in a form of a regular occurring fantasy, which a person gets indulged in after looking at numerous Instagram pictures showing “successful success”. It could also occur in the form of delirium. The same with omnipotence. People who are healthier will only slightly ignore their real limitations, while in more severe cases, a person will seriously look for the means to take over the universe. In some of us, narcissistic states are manifested more evidently, in others less. Some of us rarely get into the following states, the others – constantly feel the pressure of inadequacy and inferiority.

In this part, we will explore “puzzles” of a narcissistic personality which has the majority of the provided symptoms that seriously and systematically distort the perception of self and reality, thus depriving of a full life. For instance, a person turns out to be worn-out by attacks on self for not managing to be someone who, as they imagine, they were long supposed to become. Or they are “paralyzed” in professional activity, not being able to find power or energy to make the necessary steps. Or they are exhausted from constant swinging on narcissistic swings, where one minute they are inspired by some activity or work, and the next – lose all the interest and get bored…

Of course, reading this section, you will inevitably recognize yourself and think: “Game over! I've got narcissism!” Well, firstly, a little narcissism does not hurt anybody. Secondly, even a combination of several features does not make us true narcissists. We can live a full life with these features, being aware of the obstacles and adapting to limitations.

How does a deficient narcissist live?

If anyone asked me to briefly describe Little Narcissette's character, I would say the following…

Once there lived Little Narcissette.

At first, she was just a little girl and then she grew up. And became the very narcissist who has the same problems as the majority of us. Lack of confidence, difficulty building close relationships, undermining achievement of goals, and so on.

Narcissette's life is not a bowl of cherries. She is poorly aware of who she is and what worth her everyday activities have. Sometimes, she fills her life to the gills, but that does not protect her from anxiety of still not having achieved anything.

She is looking for relationships but cannot enjoy or even maintain them. Sometimes, all these relationships between people appear to be absolute nonsense to her. But still, she is running looking for them. Since otherwise, she is filled with the shame of “what a woman am I then?”

Little Narcissette demands a lot from herself but is never satisfied. A strict inner voice constantly catches up with her, devaluing what she has done and craving even more achievements.

Narcissette is probably no longer young. Even at quite a mature age. But she still fantasizes that her whole life is ahead of her and is just about to start. She thinks that she has a great potential, although she has long forgotten what it lies in after so many years.

Our Narcissette's vulnerability point is self-esteem and everything that is connected with it. She is never good for herself and is quite inferior despite all of her achievements and success. And there is only one thing that she is afraid of: for it to become evident to anyone around her. Everywhere she goes, she sees comparison, evaluation, and requirements to meet standards. She has mastered disguising herself, not coming closer and not exposing herself to other people's gazes… And always ends up alone.

The thought of grasping herself and finally showing the world what a truly unique person she is comes to her mind more and more often. But only in the morning. As the afternoon passes, she is already viciously attacking herself.

She scolds herself for everything. For not having lived up to the expectations, not having achieved and not having attained. She is ashamed to look someone in the eye, since she is nobody, a loser. No matter how hard she tries to persuade herself that she is still way to go, it does not work in practice.

In an everyday sense, she still went to the office and did the things she had to. But they were too petty for her, not worthy for her unique fate. Dumb people around annoyed her, and new things did not bring her any joy.

On the whole, Narcissette was tired, she suffered, whipped things up, devalued and attacked herself again. For not managing to cope with all that and do something to her own life.

So, looking for something glorious and successful, Narcissette has not noticed how her human life has almost finished. In an attempt to make it great, she did not even learn how to live it at all.

On the whole, Narcissette has never found the button that activated her life. Although it seemed that she did everything right. Never let herself slack off and never got distracted by the stupid things.

Little Narcissette is just like us. It is just that her personal story made her adapt to life in such a way. Split off feelings and emotions from herself. Stop believing in love and attachment. Not believe people and their human manifestations. Demand perfection from herself in exchange for some guarantee of control. Forget that it is possible to need people and ask them for something. Develop hyper-independence. Believe that complete self-reliance is possible. And desire to be a superhuman in order to never experience the horror of uselessness, invisibility, and humiliation, which she had experienced one day…

So that you could further identify the “puzzles” of deficient narcissism yourselves, let us investigate its main “symptoms”.

I describe fourteen of them:

• inner emptiness,

• narcissistic insatiability⁷,

• ideal “self”,

• “inner critic”,

• the feeling of self-inferiority,

• fragility of self-esteem,

• self-devaluation,

• inability to make effort,

• narcissistic procrastination⁸,

• impostor syndrome,

• narcissistic depression⁹,

• boredom,

• inability to feel pleasure and rejoice in life (anhedonia);

• the feeling that “life passes by”.

Chapter 4. Foundations of deficiency. The feeling of inner emptiness

Once there lived Little Narcissette.

She had a good and active life. But she kept feeling worse and worse. Since no matter how much she invested in herself, she still remained empty inside.

Three degrees, two marriages, and several hobbies dissolved in this emptiness. Perhaps, they still were somewhere there, at the bottom of her soul. But so deep that Narcissette could never reach them. So, it seemed that nothing was inside her. And she herself remained nobody. Despite three degrees, two marriages, and several hobbies.

Once there lived Little Narcissette.

At work, at home and while relaxing, she was doing a hundred things at a time. She had enough energy for everything, but for some reason, her anxiety would only grow.

It turned out that throughout her entire life, Narcissette hasn't found out anything about herself for sure. But for some reason, did her best not to have time or energy to do so.

A distinct feeling which is strongly felt and vividly described by narcissists is the feeling of inner emptiness. Sometimes, it is referred to as a “hole inside”. In fact, the entire phenomenon of narcissistic deficiency is developed around this feeling. A famous blogger and psychotherapist, Aglaia Dateshidze, even wrote a poem about this very hole, which describes this state and the feeling of narcissistic emptiness with remarkable precision. I have met many people who recognized themselves in this poem. Their soul resonated with the words illustrating the feelings of a person with such a hole, which is very painful and shameful to have inside. And with those that reflect how fussily and anxiously one wants to fill it.

Inside this hole, there is draught and cold. Narcissists also describe it in a similar way. Nothing can persist there, nothing of all the things that happen to people. Neither achievements, nor evaluations, responses, acknowledgement, reflections… Nothing! Everything falls into this blackness, and as years go by, one still has nothing inside to rely on. Or it stays around for some time, very soon dissolving in the depths of this emptiness. One never knew anything about themselves and still does not know. The hole sucks in all the efforts and experience. Everything disappears in it, like in the Bermuda triangle. One genuinely suffers from inner emptiness, which is unbearably hard to handle. They resort to anything to avoid facing these emotions: social networks, which are full of diverse information, movie series, shopping, food, alcohol, sex, etc. Many people attempt to deal with this hole with the help of new education, a new, more successful marriage, casual dating, switching jobs. All the available methods of deflecting attention away from the feeling of anxiety about being empty and turbulent inside.

Exercise

In many trainings on “cultivating” self-confidence, there is an exercise which involves writing out 10-20-30 of your achievements or outstanding qualities. On the one hand, it is important and useful. On the other hand, …

Time and again, I have noticed how this task, simple in its essence, increases narcissists' anxiety. Firstly, they start doubting whether this or that is a success or an outstanding quality. Since everyone has it and everyone can do it. The very desire to devalue something they have achieved or mastered can already be considered “diagnostic”. Therefore, this exercise might not reduce but increase narcissistic anxiety.

As we are not at a public training but on our own, I offer you to do the following. Conduct an inner inventory despite everything. You will have to write out twenty achievements. Do not limit yourself to social success. Remember: the “achievements” criterion is inside you. Thus, among what you will have written out might be a degree with distinction or strong friendship since school which you still manage to maintain. You might remember your first salary of a hundred dollars or may want to mention breastfeeding a child until one, which was so hard, yet so important to you. And so on.

I understand that for now you might treat those achievements of yours differently. And it is more likely that you would again wish to pretend that there is nothing inside. But they are there.

Later we will work with this list. So, do not put it away and continue filling it with what you see as personal achievements.

Key to the exercise

An American writer, Sam Kean, once said: “Narcissism is a voluntary blindness, a promise not to look inside.” While a narcissist is alone, they are forced to give themselves such a promise. When they find an ally, there is a chance to see everything that they have where they promised themselves not to look…

In fact, narcissists are not empty inside. They simply know too little about themselves. If we return to the myth on Narcissus, we will see that he kept looking for his reflection not to admire himself. But to discover himself, find out how people see him. Not having received sufficient reflection as a child, narcissists appear to be dependent on it their entire life. And they wish that inquiring looks would fill this emptiness, returning to them the knowledge of what they are filled with.

Before presenting anything, we need to perform an inventory of what we have. That will provide us with the basis for calculating what we have inside.