Kitabı oku: «Fragile People: a Hidden Door into the World of Narcissists», sayfa 4
Narcissism is the “trauma of unlove”
Even in mythology and fairy tales, heroines do not get perfectly ideal, empathic mothers. They are also unlucky in this or that way. For instance, Leiriope did not choose to be raped and then suffer from this. With a life like that, she really had no opportunity to emotionally invest in little Narcissus.
So, what can we expect from reality where all of us have various moms who simply live their lives, including that of a mother, the way they can? Our mothers may be busy with their lives, other children, dependent or sick members of the family. They might be rejecting, passive, overly infantile, unsafe. They may be concentrated solely on functional care, totally ignoring emotional needs of a child. They might be rough or even cruel, demanding, devaluing, criticizing, aggressive, hostile, not allowing anything. Finally, they just might leave. Go away. Leave a child with grandmothers or babysitters for a long time.
All these types of parents are impossible to safely get attached to. They are unsafe to love. Being close to them, you have to stop needing their support, care, attention, and understanding. As a result, faced with indifference or the abovementioned qualities of parents, children “suspend” all their normal and natural needs. They forbid themselves to:
• need,
• depend,
• complain,
• want help,
• feel weak,
• feel their right for support,
• want warm feelings,
• sincerely get interested in others and ask questions about them;
• be able to admire oneself and share the joy of it with the others;
• admire other people who can do something better;
• and much more that children do so easily…
Children make themselves not want, not expect, and not hope. But how not to feel as well? And not to lose one's worth in the process? There is only one answer. In this case, a child resorts to narcissistic defenses, the essence of which is not to want care, love, or attention from your close ones, to feel yourself independent of your needs for all this. And become big in your eyes, become an adult, not needing other people and successfully dealing with complicated problems.
It means that a narcissist is someone who “has done away with” their normal needs as far as relationships with their close ones are concerned and forced themselves to believe that they are bigger than that.
If I cannot get love or acceptance, I will not need it at all. And that is my power: to eliminate the significance of the other in a relationship or destroy the relationship itself. As one acknowledges his or her powerlessness, the desire to not need another person grows. I am telling myself: accept that they do not need you. Stop needing those who are so important to you! In order not to want this connection and valuable attachment, I secure a victory over my desire for it. I become the winner, eliminating the very need. I do away with my love by myself for the sake of not admitting the grief of not having been loved the way I wanted to be and at not being able to stop wanting it…
A child's love to their parents is innate, it does not depend on what they are like. Later, when deprivation and rejection reach his or her consciousness and become real, for some time, they continue to believe that their love would be enough to take the spell off their parents. When the sense of being invisible and unneeded reaches a critical level, they forbid themselves to love. With all what it implies. Forbid themselves to need and depend on parents' love. Of course, not consciously. It is always an unconscious decision, which immerses one's soul in ice. It may be compared to the Snow Queen's kiss, embracing little Kai's heart with ice.
A child does something to his or her love to parents, so that it is not so painful to feel rejection and neglect. In its very essence, narcissism is the defense against love and wounds inflicted by unrequited love of a parent to a child.
Uselessness and emotional deprivation
When Little Narcissette was just a little girl, Mom would always say: “Nobody needs you”.
And when Narcissette grew up, she appeared not to need anybody. This way it was not so unbearably painful.
Once there lived Little Narcissette.
And her mom was very unstable. One day she cared and loved her to death, the other – forgot about her and got cold. And there was no way to adapt to it. Since no matter how hard she tried, Narcissette could not understand the reasons for such Mom's attitude to her.
So, she stopped trying. She went to her room. To maybe not ever return.
Once there lived Little Narcissette.
When she wanted something from her parents, they would always either be angry, or busy, or give her not what she wanted or at the wrong moment. And she herself always turned up at the wrong moment. Then Narcissette made up her mind and stopped wanting anything from people. Then she tried a little harder and stopped wanting anything at all. Just in case.
But it was hard. She had to get down with depression.
Once there lived Little Narcissette.
She had Mom and Dad who would always make jokes and mock her. And that was very painful. But what was even more painful is that it didn't stop being painful. Although Narcissette tried very hard not to care at all.
And when Narcissette grew up, she kept repeating in her mind: “I feel no pain”. But for some reason, she kept running away like hell from close relationships.
There is no greater narcissistic trauma than being unwanted by one's parent, either through direct rejection or by means of ignoring the child's underlying needs. Knowing that you were unwanted by your own mother or father. That for some reason they were not interested in you. That they could not give you what you were entitled to have as a child. It is a major blow to self-esteem. Something that crashes it at the very start. Unwanted, unimportant, unworthy – that is how you start seeing yourself. Sometimes, it is hidden deep inside a person and sometimes written in large letters all over their face and is evident to everyone.
Only later you will find explanation and justification for all that. Only then will you decide that you have already dealt with everything and fully explored the issue. It is later that you will attend personal growth trainings to become stronger in order not to need anybody to an even greater extent. It is then that you will enter psychotherapy and will attack yourself there: since it turns out that there is still pain somewhere deep inside. And will hate yourself for that, trying to increase the dose of anesthetic in your heart. You would give away everything not to look in the eye of this small child who had suffered a crushing defeat at a young age. And you give it all away, including your life, which cannot even start.
Psychologically immature parents
Once there lived Little Narcissette.
When she cried, was sad, laughed a lot, or just wanted to discuss something with her parents, they would always say that she was “way too complicated”. And then Narcissette grew up. In order not to be complicated, she had settled with herself to have just a couple of emotions. So, she let herself smile or make a slightly sad face. As a result, she became a little lifeless. But could be sure that she was very simple for other people.
Once there lived Little Narcissette.
And when someone offended her, for some reason, her parents wouldn't protect her but would send her to deal with it on her own.
Narcissette has learned to protect herself. But, for some reason, has stopped trusting her close ones.
Lindsay C. Gibson, a psychologist with almost 40 years of experience, provides a detailed analysis of the phenomenon of immature parents and its consequences for the psyche of children in her excellent book – Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. As the name suggests, Lindsay Gibson particularly focuses on emotional immaturity.
I would argue that narcissists are brought up by infantile, undeveloped parents who might be generally immature as far as their psyche is concerned. Immature in terms of the following:
• intellect;
• willpower;
• emotions;
• morality.
Therefore, our parents might be fully grown in terms of age and even quite socially adapted. At the same time being insufficiently prepared to solve the problems of adult life. Their behavior models, methods of building relationships, reactions, judgements, convictions, etc. better resemble those of small children, not of adult people.
Let us not idealize maturity and adulthood. We are not so successful in this area ourselves. And our parents were not supposed to be ideal and one hundred per cent ready to bring up children. Let us simply admit that they might have such features. It is neither good nor bad. Things happen, and it is just a fact that we need to accept and explore what consequences such features of personal immaturity can have on children.
Having been brought up by psychologically immature parents, a child pays the price by having the following:
• problems with self-esteem;
• doubts about one's own adequacy;
• detachment from one's own feelings;
• the ability to ignore one's needs;
• the feeling of utter indescribable loneliness
• and a lowered ability to have emotional connection with people.
My clients who grew up in the atmosphere of loneliness, detachment, neglect of emotional needs and so on very often get surprised when they find out that:
• someone in this world is interested in them;
• they can ask someone for help or support;
• if something bad happens in their relationships with people, it does not necessarily mean that there is something wrong with them;
• others may be interested in preserving and recovering relationships with them;
• and what requires special attention: that other people in relationships with them also have to do emotional work.
“Emotional labor is the expenditure of time, effort, and energy … to understand and fulfill emotional needs. By emotional needs, I mean the human needs for feeling wanted, appreciated, loved, and cared for. Individuals' emotional needs are often unspoken or unknown/unconscious … aiming to produce the specific feelings of being wanted, appreciated, loved, and/or cared for.” Harriet Fraad6
It turns out that it is called emotional labor. And the fact that another person shows me that I am loved, important, valued by means of their care and understanding is my natural and legitimate need. How could I have not known it? Why was this option not activated in me? Unfortunately, I am not the only one. People often do not even think that their need to feel love and care from others is natural and normal, regardless of their age. Their psyche sometimes does not even have a memory of an adult close by doing emotional work. And then it seems that having all these essential human needs is infantile, pointless, and naïve. But it is not so…
A narcissist's psyche is shaped in the conditions when close ones do not perform such labor in relation to their own child. Adult psyche of parents does not work emotionally in relation to children: their impulses, affects, and attractions do not find understanding, acceptance, and mature emotional treatment. A child remains alone, faced with all these waves of emotions, not just trying to cope with them but to “defeat” what, firstly, makes them feel uncomfortable, and secondly, does not receive the essential attention from the people around them.
Narcissists are shaped out of children who have defeated their own attractions to close ones, as well as their emotions, having taken them under control.
Emotional exploitation of a child
Once there lived Little Narcissette.
When she was little, Mom was either struggling with her alcoholic Dad or pulling her sick grandma out of the jaws of death. In the evening, Mom would sit Narcissette on a chair in front of her and tell her how hard it was to live with her “damned father”, and that only dear daughter could understand her and feel sorry for her.
And Narcissette felt sorry for Mom. But she herself had no one to complain to or share anything about her childhood life with.
And when she grew up, she even forgot how to cry. Since it was completely pointless.
If there is psychological immaturity or parents' infantilism in a family system, emotional use of children by their parents is also not far behind. The absence of sound and mature supports, which would allow adults to cope with their lives, often make them ask help from those who are far from suitable for it – their children. Stephanie Donaldson-Pressman and Robert M. Pressman provide a brilliant illustration of this phenomenon in their book The Narcissistic Family: Diagnosis and Treatment. They write the following: “In a narcissistic system of family relationships, the scheme of fulfilling emotional needs is turned upside down: if in a healthy family, parents try to fulfil emotional needs of their children, in a narcissistic family, children become responsible for fulfilling their parents' emotional needs”.
Reality is distorted and children acquire a conviction that they have to:
• feel sorry;
• rescue;
• support a parent;
• solve their problems;
• constantly monitor their parents' emotional state;
• focus on parents' needs rather than their own, etc.
This “overload” makes a child grow up early and “improperly” and might activate their narcissistic defenses. From now on, they forbid themselves to feel powerless, not cope with anything, have no control over their relationships. They may not allow themselves to relax, be weak, silly, confused and so on…
Unsafe dependence on adults
Little Narcissette's Dad really liked Nietzsche.
Perhaps, that's why whenever appropriate, he would repeat: “What does not kill me makes me stronger.” Along with that, he did something painful or offensive. And he didn't respond when Narcissette asked him for help. Or he would make her deal with something she was not yet capable of and was very afraid of.
On the whole, trained her willpower and other powers. By the method of Nietzsche.
Narcissette actually did not get killed. And became very strong. But on her way, she completely forgot that she was born just a girl.
Once there lived Little Narcissette.
As a small child, she was used to coping with everything and not complaining about how hard it was.
And then Narcissette grew up and would sincerely not understand why she needed other people. If you can do everything by yourself. And there is no need to waste time worrying about it being hard.
Only sometimes her back started letting her down. And even that didn't change anything.
In order to grow up physically and psychologically, a child requires external resources. At least help, support, attention, and care.
As a child, a future narcissist has no relationships where they could safely feel dependent. That means that such a child is bound to understand and come to terms with the following: there is no support and there is no point in expecting it from the people around. They strive to cope with themselves, the others, and the world without sufficient resources. They are simply forced to do it. And this is a real tragedy of a narcissist: they have nothing to rely on inside, but they are holding the world on their shoulders, “for the sake of humanity”. They really seem not to need help, support, or understanding. They have no such option inside. They bring themselves up, forever holding on to the following: if I want to move forward and cope with things, I must do it by myself without relying on others.
According to Harry Guntrip, an English psychoanalyst, “an abandoned or traumatized child must feel that in an unfriendly, threatening world, it is very dangerous to remain weak… And if you cannot change the world, you can attempt to change yourself. Thus, a child becomes afraid and starts hating their own weaknesses and needs; now rejecting their immaturity, they are faced with a goal of growing up”.
Future narcissists – children who were not allowed to be small. It means that their children qualities were not accepted by their parents. Such children are usually not allowed to cry, behave in a naughty way, be awkward or clumsy. They are expected to naturally be able to control themselves, be strong and make quick decisions. They are scolded for all manifestations of their childishness or even shamed, thus being driven to their own shame for not managing to do things the way adults do.
“Healing fantasy” of narcissists
Once there lived Little Narcissette.
Her Mom had to work hard, and there was no one to babysit. So, Mom decided to send Narcissette to the village to her Grandma, who neither had time for the little girl. Garden, cows, and hens… Grandma would put Narcissette behind a small fence for the day, so that she doesn't get in the way.
When Narcissette grew up, of course, she left the village, completed two programs at university and even went to work. But for some reason, neither two degrees with distinction, nor well-deserved success at work helped her become somebody for herself. Looking into people's eyes, she was still unable to believe that someone could ever be interested in her.
In the abovementioned book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents Lindsay C. Gibson tells us that the children who are brought up by parents depriving them of love, belonging, and dependence share one common quality: “Children have different ways of reacting to emotionally immature parenting, either trying to attract attention, receive care, or improve relationships. But all children growing up in the conditions of emotional deprivation have something in common: they develop fantasies about how they will eventually get what they need”.
The author calls them healing fantasies. They consist of expectations and hopes concerning the conditions in which it would be possible to receive parents' love and fulfil one's needs. My clients often share such fantasies with me: “If I could behave the necessary way (better explain, try harder, work on myself, heal myself…), I would be able to make our relationship better (make mom happy, receive her love, support, take the spell off her, etc.). And it seems that narcissists are somehow special in this relation. Looking deeper, we can understand that once their hope for love fell into a coma or a lethargic dream. Anyway – they became oblivious of it. It means that it is so unconscious that you cannot get through to it. Their healing fantasy works according to the following principle: “If I could, I would do without your love at all”. Or “If I succeeded, you all would love me, and I wouldn't be dependent on you in that way”.
This healing fantasy has an obverse and a reverse side. It seems that on the obverse side a narcissist sees “I would become better than anyone and prove it to all of you, and you all will love me (admire, accept, be proud of…)”. But deep inside, so deep that we cannot be sure that it is there, a tiny voice of the most essential need says: “If you have lots of love for me, then maybe you will be able to take the spell off me… but I do not need it”. And it goes around in circles, again and again…
Narcissistic hunger
Once there lived Little Narcissette.
She was a healthy and active girl. But Mom worked hard and couldn't cope with endless questions and frantic activity of her daughter.
So, very soon, Narcissette learnt how to stop and control herself in every situation.
Then she grew up. But by that time, she'd already stopped feeling alive.
Once there lived Little Narcissette.
She was sent to the nursery at about six months of age. She kept being ill there and once even almost died because of some common complication.
When she was four, her mom gave up and made her stay home all alone for the whole day. She prepared sandwiches for herself and played all day long in her room. Nobody paid attention to that. And soon she would be mentioned only as a good and a grown-up girl who is totally fine on her own.
Our healthy narcissism and, therefore, normal psyche are shaped with the help of narcissistic investments. I understand that the words “savings” and “investments” are better associated with economy rather than psychology, but there is simply no other way of naming these phenomena.
Thus, at the initial stage, a mother makes factual investments in the child's psyche. We all know the little things that constitute them:
• warm hands rocking a baby;
• a mother's affectionate gaze directed at the child;
• care about the child's comfort and joy;
• facial expressions showing mom's emotions in relationship with her child;
• all the support – by words, looks, and actions directed at the child, starting from the moment when they begin exploring the world;
• words of admiration for the child and the joy that he is like he is/she is like she is, not like someone else;
• and much more.
Overall, the whole amount of the mother's emotional investments, which serve as a signal for the child that they are valued and significant to another person.
Under these conditions, our normal human “self” becomes good and valuable for us. Being the object of someone else's care, love, and attention, we acquire the sense of self, of our own abilities and limitations. If none of that happens to us, our “narcissistic piggy bank” is not filled, and our heart is not fed by value, and we enter the world “hungry”. Our narcissistic hunger makes us constantly look for the confirmation of our value, significance, and even grandiosity, since it becomes hardly possible to sate ourselves with a simple human reaction to us. A deficient narcissist requires plenty of one's own grandiose deeds and ingenious projects to be able to calm down and relax. In response to all that, they expect incredible initiative from those around them, who are to notice, appreciate, and admire what a narcissist has done and achieved.
They are insatiable. They stay forever hungry. In the endless search of the means to sate this hunger… Such character is shaped around narcissistic hunger, when you either have never been the object of somebody else's attention, love, and care, or you had to pay too much for that.
It appears around the “unhappened events”.
If mom's happy eyes did not follow you in your first footsteps and even your success on a potty.
If dad's eyes did not shine with pride for your achievements at the nursery, school, and after-school clubs.
If you survived the hard times of your life on your own without involvement, consolation, and support.
If everyone pretended that nothing had happened, but you did not know whether to weep or furiously attack everyone.
