Kitabı oku: «Fragile People: a Hidden Door into the World of Narcissists», sayfa 3

A crown as protection against vulnerability

When I was thinking of writing a book on narcissists, I feared that, like many other works on that subject, it would be filled with denouncing and condemning intonation. I really wish more and more people would see the inner world of narcissists, feel how it is to live with such type of character. What is more, my aim is to help people who recognize themselves in the questionnaire to better adapt to life and adjust to living with their special features. I seriously believe that narcissism is not worse (and not better) than other personality organizations. It is just that our means of protecting our most fragile area are different.

I believe you would agree that all people protect their fragility using different means. Those who have a schizoid type personality hide from people, going further away so as not to be seen and offended. Representatives of the histrionic personality type seduce in order to provide themselves with a relationship in which they will be loved. A masochist pretends to be weak and is able to not only feel safe by doing so but also enjoy it. A narcissist has laid a wager on protecting their fragile self-esteem. And for this purpose, they needed “a crown”. Well, yes! When it is so empty and turbulent inside, one might decide to inflate a bubble of importance and grandiosity on the outside and pay no attention to people.

Every one of us wants to be good for ourselves and others. Everyone wants to be liked and loved by other people. Each of us has a core inside, around which our personal kingdom of value and significance is shaped. It does not appear by itself but blooms like a garden when it is being well looked after. A person's “self” is born in conditions of attachment to close ones, dependence on adults, care and love from the dearest people. If a child is not loved, forced to grow up faster and not emotionally nurtured, of course, they will grow up physically. But they will always adapt to such attitude, acquiring particular qualities of the character… Narcissists are those who did not receive a chance to feel themselves valued and significant. They were so heavily and so early wounded in the fields of love and affection that they were forced to eliminate these very desires in themselves. Since then, they live like that: with great, sometimes even grandiose external ambitions and claims to be significant, while at the same time staying very fragile inside. And it is not about weakness or special inability to adapt to life. It is just because they grew up too early in the conditions of insufficient resources.

Ever since, they are bound to live:

• without sufficient inner supports;

• without clear understanding who they are and what they are like;

• without relying on attachment and dependence on people.

At the same time, they demand from themselves to bravely, wisely and maturely cope with their life on their own. But the truth is that they are objectively not ready for such deeds, since deep inside they remain underloved and ungrown small children. Yet still, they demand Aristotle's wisdom, Kutuzov's bravery, and Napoleon's cheek from themselves. They demand power from themselves so as not to see themselves powerless again. Just like back then, in their childhood…

We are used to seeing monsters in narcissists. But deep inside, behind the protective carapace… “their souls are bleeding silently. They have suffered such collapses of 'self' that their suffering itself has collapsed. They emerge from them in psychic paralysis. They have nearly perished. Nevertheless, they are alive. Alive, but not for real; you can feel they are not of this world. They come to us covered by a protective cloak and a multitude of psychotic disorders, sometimes the other way round – in 'self' without skin, only having what to say about how unlucky they are to live, and, thus, even more touching. Sometimes they appear cowered within themselves, as if ashamed of their own suffering. Moreover, they know nothing about it, so dark and elusive it remains. We could think that most of all they are afraid of facing the bottomless abyss or losing a treasure so carefully protected that it has become almost inaccessible to them. They come to us almost without any hope. We meet them, sensing a shade of dark anxiety. It is true that it is hard to walk beside those who have survived. Will we be able to change anything in our psychoanalytic understanding in order to fully accept them?” – that is what a famous French psychoanalyst P.C. Racamier wrote in his book Suffering and Surviving in Paradoxes.

Further on, we will try to touch upon experience, reality, and the feelings of narcissists. In order to understand that narcissism is not just a diagnose, it is also a wide range of human feelings, including pain, sadness, and anxiety.

The essence of narcissism to a first approximation

In its deepest essence, narcissism is a defense against love and wounds inflicted by unrequited love. A child faced with the absence of love or having got the illusion of not being loved by his parents, makes himself stop loving and stop wanting love. He forces himself to stop having affection towards those who, according to him, do not love him. It resembles ruthlessly drying a river, which flowed freely and now has to stop…

What does a narcissist replace their need for love with? The desire for admiration and praise. That is why when I hear “I do everything to be noticed, valued, and praised”, I am looking for traces of love. To be more exact, I feel that having lost the hope for love, a person has decided to go for an imitation: “Screw it! At least, give me admiration! That's how I'll get normality back!” A fake carrot, but people rush at it, sometimes laying their whole lives on the altar of achievements…

People almost believe in the illusion that they have not received praise and admiration from their parents. In fact, a sorrowful loss of love is very likely there. And it is covered by a much more understandable need, which allows one to stay beyond this inner pain inflicted by the absence of love… “I'm looking for admiration” means almost “I'm trying not to remember the time when I forbade myself to love. When I chose not to want to be loved, because it's hopeless. I want to forget that I want love… But I can't… Give me at least admiration …”

Oddly enough, all this drama was described almost two thousand years ago in the initial myth about Narcissus, who was not selfish or cruel at all. Let us remember all the details of his birth and development. And then it would be clearer how exactly adult narcissism appears.

Part 1. How children turn into narcissists

But before I start telling you about this serious psychic phenomenon illustrated by the most ancient narcissist on Earth, I would like you to meet the main heroine of this book.

Meet Little Narcissette!

I “invented” her completely unintentionally, when I felt the need to show narcissism in a way that was different from how people were used to seeing it. Once I was reading my Facebook feed and came across arguments on feminine gender-specific nouns – regular words made into a feminine form. And just for fun I wrote a couple of my first stories about Little Narcissette.

Once Little Narcissette decided to become an instructress. She modestly asked her friends for advice.

“No one would do it better than you,” confirmed they reasonably.

Quite so: Little Narcissette gave a kick in the pants without excessive reflection and pity for other people's limitations.

Once Little Narcissette decided to become a bloggerine. And quickly became quite a popular expertrix on women's happiness. Since she managed to connect one's private life to the extent to which butts are pumped up so well that nobody could say anything against this type of logic.

Once Little Narcissette decided to become an authorine. She had an ingenious idea of having her own column in a magazine. But it turned out that she couldn't bring it to life as ingeniously as she had decided to. So, she didn't even write a line.

As a result, Little Narcissette didn't become an authorine. But she received a new impetus to painfully kick herself.

Once Little Narcissette decided to become a photographeress. She bought the best equipment possible and completed an expensive course. But she decided not to offer her services.

First of all, she couldn't impose herself. Secondly, she definitely needed to study more. Complete 5–6 refresher courses. Otherwise, she could screw up.

These stories appeared to be quite topical! There was a large amount of material on narcissism collected, but I had no idea how to present it to the reader in an interesting way. For some reason, the publishing house rejected my formal scientific texts which resembled a PhD candidate's thesis.

“Listen, Julia,” the editor persuaded me gently, “our readers are interested in narcissism but definitely not to the extent that requires using a scientific dictionary”.

So, Little Narcissette came on time to relieve my tired brain of throes of creativity. She would help me to introduce the inner world of narcissists and their typical behavior to you.

Little Narcissette is a diverse image that incorporates feelings and manifestations of deficient narcissists. In fact, inside, they often feel like “lesser” human beings. It does not depend on gender or age. On the whole, men and women suffer their deficiency in the same way. But here Little Narcissette will be our guide, whom we will observe both in her childhood and as an adult.

Chapter 1. Myth about Narcissus

At the very beginning of our era, poet Ovid wrote down his version of the myth about a handsome young man named Narcissus. Although it is evident that narcissists existed before him. Take, for instance, Herostratus, who burnt the Temple of Artemis in order to become famous. Does he not resemble a real narcissist, heading to glory regardless of everything? But the myth is not about that. Since Narcissus did not kill anyone and did not burn anything. Nor he wanted fame or splendor. His story displays the real phenomenon of narcissism, its essence; it is not just about one young man falling in love with himself and dying because of that. Reading the myth, we can understand how unhealthy narcissism appears in the psyche and what it actually is. Then we understand the following: not all narcissists are similarly awful. And that a real tragedy unwinds inside them, the one which few of us can imagine. And that “wounded” narcissism is a real “curse”, a mental and psychic wound causing agonizing pain. It is a series of losses and deprivations, which end up awfully for narcissists: they lose the ability to have deep human relationships, since they are unable to get attached to people, depend on them or love them.

I decided to correct this saddening injustice and take a look into narcissism with you. Since its reverse side is no less interesting than what is usually written about it. Usually, mythological Narcissus is presented as a fully-grown young man who had been roaming the world, throwing arrogant glances, and then nymph Echo fell in love with him, but he did not love her back and was doomed to fall in love with his own reflection. Then he died. To my mind, this interpretation of the myth does not facilitate understanding of the essence of narcissism whatsoever. As a result, it leads to the notorious superficial perception of narcissists as self-absorbed people who are stuck in their own greatness and self-esteem which does not reflect reality, in vanity. That is an overly simplistic understanding of narcissism. The real drama of Narcissus and narcissists is more like horror, far scarier than Steven King's plots.

Ominous events played a crucial role in the development of Narcissus even before his birth. Nymph Leiriope was raped by the river-god Chepissus. As a result, she gave birth to a boy and named him Narcissus. He was good-looking and could have had a great future. If not for several “buts” …

Narcissus was destined to become a narcissist and serve as an illustration of this phenomenon. It was predetermined by five fateful factors.

The first one: events of his birth and relationships with his mother. The unloved, born as a result of a rape, he almost had no chance to see Leiriope's eyes shining with joy. The devastated mother had no resources for that. Neither for admiring him, nor for feeling proud of what a boy she gave birth to. Little Narcissus had no opportunity to reflect in his mother's joyful eyes. Narcissus was an unwanted and unexpected baby, nobody expected anything of him and nobody devoted him attention. It is already evident at this point what his initial pain, having predetermined his narcissism, lies in.

The second unlucky event is connected with the oracle Tiresias's prophecy that Narcissus would live a long life unless he ever sees his own reflection. No matter how unmotherly the raped nymph was, of course, she did not want her child to die. So, logically she removed all mirrors from his reach. Thus, Narcissus was deprived of a chance to be reflected in any place or in any thing. So, at first, he did not quite reflect in his mother's eyes, and then was completely deprived of a chance to find out what he was like and who he was. No matter how hard he looked for a reflection in order to find out who he was, nothing worked. No matter how passionately he wanted to know what he was like, he had no opportunity to do so. This deficit of emotional investments and reflections made his self-image “empty” and poor.

And then for the third unlucky event. Nymph Echo fell in love with him, the one, as you know, who cannot say anything by herself but just repeats the last words said by someone. Upon their meeting Narcissus said: “Who's there?” And she replied: “There.” “Come here, let's be friends,” said Narcissus. “Friends,” said Echo. All she can do is repeat, not bringing up anything of her own. So, again, Narcissus is hopeless. There is no way he can get what he is looking for in any contact: knowledge on himself, his own reflection in other people's eyes and words.

In any case, Narcissus rejected Echo, and Afrodite put a curse on him because of the nymph's broken heart. That is the fourth factor, which almost irreversibly turned his trauma into character pathology. Before, there was only deficit, which Narcissus was trying to fill. But the Afrodite's curse made him suffer, roam in search of love, which was destined to be unrequited. As a result of that, he later died.

The fifth and the last fateful event which led to his death occurred when once, in spring, while hunting, Narcissus came to a stream and wanted to drink. This episode is vividly described by a practicing psychotherapist and psychiatrist, Jeremy Holmes: “Once, dying of thirst after hunting, Narcissus finds a clear stream and bends to it to drink:

 
There as he stooped to quench his thirst another thirst increased.
While he is drinking he beholds himself reflected in the mirrored pool – and loves; loves an imagined body which contains
no substance, for he deems the mirrored shade a thing of life to love.
He cannot move, for so he marvels at himself…
 

He madly falls in love with his own reflection. And the more he desires to embrace and kiss himself, the more he is frustrated and lovelorn. He laments his fate. Forever separated from his love object, he is suffering from the feelings of loss and sorrow for the first time. And finally, he recognizes himself:

 
'Tis I in thee – I love myself – the flame arises in my breast and burns my heart – what shall I do?
Shall I at once implore? Or should I linger till my love is sought?
What is it I implore? The thing that I desire is mine – abundance makes me poor.
Oh, I am tortured by a strange desire
unknown to me before, for I would fain put off this mortal form;
which only means I wish the object of my love away…'⁵
 

All his life, Narcissus was deprived of a chance to enjoy being himself, possessing the richness of his own personality, which he knew nothing about. His inner beauty remained unexplored, unrecognized. Having lost the hope of being reflected in someone alive, he acquires the illusion of recognizing himself in the dead surface of the lake. So, he is gazing at the stream, wishing he could absorb everything that the one in the reflection is endowed with. He wants to merge with this image in order to become himself. He himself became the one who his lovely image depends on.

Chapter 2. Narcissus's drama

His mother's attitude left Narcissus empty. She could give him nothing and could fill him with nothing. And that would forever predetermine his future life, when he will not be able to take anything from people, remaining “empty” inside. Absence of mirrors will not let him be reflected in anything and understand what he is like. And he will get addicted to this search. He will be looking for someone who would tell him: “You exist. You are normal and worthy”. Again and again, Narcissus will be looking for his own reflection, at times losing hope, at times chasing an ephemeral illusion. A nymph without her own voice will not give him a chance to find out anything new about himself. In this context, Narcissus will not be able to manifest himself for someone else, reflect in them, and become someone for himself. The Afrodite's curse will put an end to his ability of mutual relationships with people. It will make him incapable of deep relationships in general and love in particular. His fixation with his own image will lead to eternal loneliness.

This myth illustrates the essence of narcissism. No matter whether we are talking about the ancient Narcissus or modern narcissists surrounding us. Their crisis always begins in the same way, and its manifestations are exactly alike. A typical narcissist of our time will behave in the same way the myth's hero did.

They will be tirelessly looking for someone else's gaze in order to confirm who they are and what they are like. Trying to fill the deficit of one's self-perception with other people's assessments and opinions. Constantly feeling the emptiness inside, filling it with achievements and fuss, just to sense a hint of being alive and worthy.

They will depend on the reflection from other people but will never admit it. Otherwise, they will have to contact with their childhood pain of being unworthy and abandoned.

Narcissists find no enjoyment in constant thinking about themselves. It is a forced, endless, and desperate search for oneself. The feeling of inner emptiness that is aroused from the lack of reflection makes them constantly feel anxious about being inferior. So, all that narcissists do is not about enjoying their beauty and virtues. It is about suffering, being forced to concentrate on finding out anything about yourself based on how other people see you.

Narcissists are far from being self-centered, since they have nothing to love about themselves. We can say that they are focused on the endless search of something that they could love themselves for. Their contacts with people and things they do to impress are just means of receiving response confirming that they have something inside, except for the emptiness that they feel. The narcissist needs all the people around them to identify what they have inside.

The myth itself outlines how deficient narcissists are shaped. Their predecessor had been through it all and became the prototype for all the people with narcissistic fragility.

That is how we can describe the set of relevant circumstances:

• the closest people treat them coldly, almost neglecting them;

• people around them do not “reflect” them and provide them with no opportunity to see themselves the way they are;

• they no longer hope to receive any adequate feedback;

• they are incapable of loving and needing people.

These are the very circumstances that can lay the foundation for a person to be doomed to feel inappropriate or inferior in the future, forever trying to plug the hole of their narcissistic deficiency.

However, each of us is born perfect and grandiose… a narcissist! And something must happen for this grandiosity to grow into inferiority. In particular, for the baby's superiority and the natural command over the world to shrink to complete insignificance.